Doesn't it get painful old listening to people, like me, who are constantly battling their sobriety... Thinking they just need one more time to give it a try, see if it can work. I haven't picked up, but I'm fighting it tooth and nail. For those of you who have completely given yourselves to the program, don't you get sick of listening to people like me who just can't give up the fight? Not drinking is one thing... Not thinking about drinking and not being mad as hell that you can't drink is another.
So, this e-mail is more about your response to how I just MIGHT be feeling right now... Don't even want to write it out because it's so friggin' old!!! BLAH!
No...I don't ever get sick of it. You forget we have the same disease. And if you didn't have those thoughts or questions you and I wouldn't need AA or this web site. So Keep posting girl you are helping more people then you think. Just keep fighting it tooth and nail and believe that it will get easier. It has for this Alcoholic. Keep posting Runnergirl. I love to read your post!!! :)
The answer is a simple one, NO...it took me almost light years to finally SURRENDER, I was one of the sicker ones, did not stop til all that I loved was gone, this is a very Progressive Disease, took that elevator all the way down to the basement, and crawled around down there for a long time too.
And I see you still on one of the higher floors, but you never really know how fast that elevator might start moving.
You are not drinking! that is a wonderful big deal, so please just bitch away til someday that Miracle of seeing that light at the end of the tunnel, and you can walk through it to the surrendering of your Will, and stop fighting it.
Seems to me you a case of being so determined to see if you can get that Pickle back into a cucumber.........LOL Ain't going happen, but who am I, I just might see you in that Guiness Book of Records someday. haha.
Once a group of women in a Recovery Home, we were directed to go around the room, and come close to that person's Strongest attribute, well mine was Tenacious, it was meant as a compliment, but because I was still not done with drinkng, it rapidly turned into one big glaring character defect.
Always love seeing you here, this board is designed for you to share wherever it that you are, with us. We, as a family of drunks that dont drink anymore, one day at a time, love you dearly, so please dont stay away so long. thats my own little request.
How is you Sponsor Relationship going, you have one, right, and are you still going to the AA Meetings??
A Big hug,
Just toni, and just one of your sisters here.
-- Edited by Just Toni on Thursday 29th of April 2010 09:00:12 PM
Runner, people like you and me BATTLING and sharing is what keeps these other people here sober. In like manner, hearing about this kind of stuff over and over and over again in the meetings is also part of what keeps us sober.
We alcoholics are so darned sick that we need to be REMINDED OF, AS OFTEN AS NECCESARY, WHAT IT WAS LIKE.
Now, I am going to respond to the TRUTH of the matter, and that is that you are thinking about drinking, you are mad as hell because you know you shouldn't, and you want someone here to comfort you and tell you that you DON'T need to drink, and that this will pass. And I am telling you that right now, just as I have been told on this board and in meetings 1,000 times. Hearing it once is not good enough for me, I have to have it repeated over and over. And most AA's are not sick of hearing it. They take it as a reminder that it sucks to be new in recovery, and they don't want to go back.
You and I do not have to stay in what I like to call the "pergatory" of new abstinence. We keep reaching out, and we keep reading that Big Book and we keep surrounding ourselves with people like us who are WELL, and we get more WELL over time. We really do.
So hang in there, girl!! PLEASE hang in there. Things will ONLY get worse if you drink, they will NOT, in any way, get better. And you will not just pick up where you left off in today's misery, you will have to start this sh*! all over again. That is what keeps me sober some days, just knowing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and that if I get drunk (thought a lot about it yesterday), I will have to EXIT the tunnel, and if I am LUCKY and not dead by suicide or accident or other means, I will have to go back to the beginning of that damned dark tunnel and start all over again. And I am TIRED!!!
Pick your chin up and keep unloading. And by all means, keep going to meetings and calling people in AA, all hours of the day and night if needed. They will love and respect you for it, and you will respect YOURSELF for it to, for taking care of yourself.
I say all this not only to address YOUR difficulties right now, but to address my own.
WE CAN DO THIS, AND WE WILL DO IT THIS TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
"Doesn't it get painful old listening to people, like me, who are constantly battling their sobriety..."
Hell no, Laurie. It's called SHARING and it's how I stay sober between relapses
This first year sucks. This first year is beautiful. This first year is maddening. This first year hurts like hell. This first year I pray more than a monk and cuss more than a soldier. This first year would actually BE a year in about three months if I had CALLED SOMEONE AND SHARED instead of drinking.
I often feel tired of the work that goes into staying sober. That's how my damned relapses will start. Next comes creating the opportunity, justifying it to myself and doing it. Then comes wanting more, bigger, better and again. As if I had never walked through the doors of AA or did a whole 12 Steps.
BUT I have averted far, far, far more relapses than I have indulged by using the tools, skills and fellowship of AA as well as yielding my will to my higher power.
Sure, it sucks. Tell us more. And more. And more until YOU feel better.
It doesn't get old, it just reenforces what works, and what doesn't
Occasionally you see someone come in, grab on, work the steps, and boom off to the races, in 6 weeks you see them offering help to the newcomers, sober and happy....
Then you see people trying the same thing over and over and over and getting the same result, living in unutterable pain, in awful pain sober, then in worse pain drinking, then back to incredible suffering without alcohol until the inevitable return to alcohol...
Just "Not drinking" literally doesn't work for alcoholics, it's WAY to painful, it's an awful way to live, that's why we always return to drinking without the cure, which is the steps, 90 in 90, etc.
we found a way that works
When you are done researching the pain of trying to not drink, you will try sobriety, simple but not easy, a price has to be paid
When you get in enough pain, you may want to consider it, until then, know that we love you and we have all been in your shoes, we have all tried to find an easier softer way, but we could not, with all of the earnestness at our command we BEG of you to be fearless and thorough
I am on bended knee offering the answer, please don't lose everything before you accept the outstretched hand extended to you by AA and everyone here
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Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a night, light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
It never gets old, whether it be once or a thousand times. Working with others is the keystone of this wonderful program Alcoholics Anonymous. It's what keeps me refreshed and ever mindful that I am only six inches away from my next drink.
The six inches between my ears.
Larry, -------------------- When I turned myself over to God, I took my life out of the hands of an idiot
Honestly yeah...sometimes it does get old and then the memories kick in of the times I was doing the pity potty and poor mes and I'm so hopeless; helpless and unworthy. No one ever left my support group...no one and I learned from that. There is no way better to measure growth and highs that to spend some time in a rut. As long as I remember all of those times that the fellowship was patient with me and held me up until I had no use anymore of the rut. It's an inside job..you can change it anytime you want. After a while recovery time adds up but then it doesn't get old it just gets much better.
A former sponsor use to ask me (but not very often thank God) ..."Do you want some cheese with that whine?" LOL Simple program for complicated people.
-- Edited by Jerry F on Friday 30th of April 2010 02:00:05 AM
Laurie, you're helping us to stay sober by reminding us what a pain in the @$$ it is to get sober the first 90 days. I was a chronic relapser for 2 years, "fighting it" and doing it my way. It absolutely sucked and I wondered what people thought when the saw me going in and out and picking white chips by the dozen, but I never quit and eventually I got tired of trying to do it my way, trying to lead a double life, trying to slip in and out of occasional meetings and not let "those people" get to know me while keeping my old friends.
Unfortunately I had to suffer some "yets" and some losses (marriage, good job, and a lot of self esteem, my freedom, and was relieved of a lot of $$$ by the court systems and attorneys.). Finally when my best drinking and drugging friend died of an OD I knew it was time to do the 90 in 90, get the good sponsor, work the steps, make friends in the program and start hanging out with them to learn how to Live a sober lifestyle. Laurie, just stopping drinking and not changing your thinking is like walking around with a couple a broken ankles. You can do it for awhile but it's painful. AA IS the easier and softer way. You just making it hard on yourself. Why don't you completely give yourself to working this for 90 days. Give everything that you've got, attend meetings every day and at the end of 90 days, if you don't feel great relief then try something else.
"I'm fighting it tooth and nail" were the key words I picked up on. It reminded me of this passage from the big book:
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(From pg. 84-85:)
And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone - even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality - safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.
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I don't fight alcohol, because alcohol is gonna win. Instead I concentrate on doing the things that have been suggested to me, to the best of my ability (which is to say, not perfectly), one day at a time. It's all I can do, and it has worked so far.
No Laurie, I have endless patience for you fighting the fight and working and trying....My patience wears thinner when people do the same dumb stuff again and again, don' t listen, and expect things to get better. You are working hard. This is not easy what you are doing so please feel free to bitch, complain, and talk about how hard it is all you want as long as you take the actions people with sobriety suggest. I will do whatever I can to listen and help, as long as I see the willingness. Complain that it is hard, but don't drink...use the tools....I would only get fed up if you repeatedly went out and said "this is too hard...I quit! AA sucks and Alcohol wins!" With that said...someone (even me) is going to eventually tell you to work on your gratitude and stop complaining and fighting so hard because that IS one of the chief tools of achieving serenity and sobriety. It just takes a litttle more time to latch onto. You will get there.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Ugh...Franny...why torture yourself when there is support from your fellows out there? We are here for you and love you. Go to a meeting! Love,
Mark
P.S. - Generally speaking, when people with a little time see you guys doing the early struggle and toughing it out it offers us the chance to help which is crucial to our program, but also reminds us of how hard it is/was to get sober and helps to avoid relapse... SO....go to a meeting and share...it can only help us and you!!!!
-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 1st of May 2010 06:39:21 AM
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Hey Runnergirl,, for me it is a constant reminder that know matter how far removed I am from drinking(years of sobriety)I know I am only one bad decision away from devastation.This disease rampages my life in "all areas' so I know I can never drink again but I also battle daily with all my shortcomings/character defects and fallen nature.The God of my understanding and working the steps are my solution.I love "recovery" not just staying away from alcohol!Im glad you post because that means your still working,never get tired of listening,I do get weary at times but thats when I really dig in!! peace
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
