I knew it was coming and I held it at bay for as long as I could, my powerful subconscious. I have a history of PTSD, and things that are NOT life-threatening even, my inner psyche often will suppress, as a "protective mechanism". (Freud would have loved to pick this brain.) If it hurts, it is hard for me to feel it. And heal it. I am not unique I know, most alcoholics have this phenomenon going on. But mine is pretty strong-willed, this suppression thing. PTSD usually presents as either fight or flight, or the "flatness" of emotional suppression later on.
So I talked about it in my recovery outpatient group. I could only talk about it, and about the separation and divorce, but could not feel any grief. But I was warned that it was going to come, once I am able to slow down long enough to just "be" for some moments. And I would have to find ways to cope, through working with others.
later..... Got the keys to my new pad tonight. Paid up a few months rent in advance. Feeling really good. Quickly thought about having husband come over on a whim, and we could order Chinese and sit on the beautiful polished oak floors, and celebrate with chopsticks and shrimpies. And then it hit me, a thought (and a theme of self-pity, but for cripe's sake, I AM getting divorced you know).
It said, "You can't just do that any more. You are alone now. You can't report all your joys and triumphs and blessings to him and expect him be there for them." I cried and cired. I called my sponsor to weep some more. She has been divorced twice.
Then in talking to her, it hit me. My mind had told me a lie. The truth of the matter, is that "Now I'm alone" is a lie. Folks, I have been married for 6 years, and alone for 5. And not all his fault, he is a workaholic. He is the poster-boy in the DSM-IV for this phenomenon. He works over 100 hours a week. Not because I have ever been a "wild shopper" or irresponsible and gotten us into debt or anything. He was like that when I met him. And I chose to marry him. He was a little more available at first, but shame on me, I put up with being married and alone for 5 years after. He has stated that he knows it is a sickness. That he has so many problems he can't cope with them (kids 1,000 mi. away, one with a mental illness... etc.) He says he works so much because he can just "go out and supervise or just get into a truck and he doesn't have to think." Bingo. Addiction. And he is content with it, and no desire to get help. Consequences are not that bad (2 divorces, materialistic relationship with the kids. Blood pressure 170/95 at age 36.) Rewards? Fills him up with constant outside praise and yet he searches again the next day for MORE praise, just like an addict searches the next day for another fix. And that is his choice, and though I have asked for marital counseling for years to no avail, I have never pushed him to make a different choice. It is his way, his choice. And I am not pushy. And despite my example of what it looks like to get a lot of help for different things, "he is okay with living that way." So I have BEEN alone, nothing on that front has changed. "Now I'm alone....." should have been followed with "... just like every other day I can remember for the last 5 years" (even some holidays.) It is MY fault for sticking around to be the maid while I worked my own job, and that I lived for so long with my needs for intimacy not being met.
But now I am "supposed" to be alone. I am single, and I am ok with living alone now that it is SUPPOSED to be that way. Kind of funny, eh?
Anyway, let me follow up here by saying, I can be alone and NOT "lonely" at the same time. I have done it before and been amazingly happy and serene and fulfilled. I will be there again.
But first I have to hurt like the devil from time to time right now, and then possibly for a longer journey of it, when things slow down in a few weeks. And I am better prepared for it. And I called my sponsor, without even thinking about dialing the number, I just did it as soon as my hands started shaking and the tears welled up (that's not a me thing, it's a God-through-AA thing.) I did it this time, I actually called (God/AA thing). I didn't wallow in my grief alone. And I made sure that after a little self-pity, I used some rational thinking and got through it. And more importantly, I let someone who WANTS badly to help me, I let my sponsor do just that.
Peace out, and thanks for letting me process all this stuff here.
Love and hugs to all my friends here, Joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Thanks for loving me in my grief, friends. And Rob, my imaginary friend is going to be a celery-green pony that fits in the palm of my hand and is very warm. His little hooves are black with silver sparkles (to match my toenail polish LOL). His name is Felix.
:o)
__________________
~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
