HOLY- "I Haven't got a CLUE"......................

jonijoni1 · MIP Old Timer

HOLY- "I Haven't got a CLUE"......................

jonijoni1 · MIP Old Timer

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AGO · MIP Old Timer

I am sorry you are going through this...(((((Joni))))

umm...I don't really know what to say...What step are you on? How are meetings going? Are you doing 90 in 90 now that you are back? Have you called your sponsor today?

I remember the Roller coaster, seems like just yesterday...or even earlier today...LOL...I still do it, I have just learned to say "Oh Look, I am having an emotion", Like Look I have anger or have frustration, NOT I AM angry or I AM frustrated, it somehow makes a HUGE difference to me, I am having these things, I am NOT them, does that make sense? Like learn to detach...that makes it easier to let go of the stories in my head that are perpetuating this insanity...

I just read this, right below you, maybe that will help?

Bill Wilson Stuff

Larry_H · MIP Old Timer

Joni,

You need a hug

(((((((((((HUG))))))))))))

Consider yourself hugged

We all really care about you.

This too shall pass.

Remember "Easy Does IT"

Larry,
-------------------------------
Latin Worth Heeding:
"Non urum ad ventum" trans: Don't urinate into the wind."

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

(((((Joni2)))))...you triggered me...Came to believe that a Power Greater than
myself could lead me to S a n i t y. Program definition for me..."A continuous
and orderly process of thought" S a n i t y. The trigger included Alcohol +
Adrenalin (AA) = Red Out. Alcohol alone = Blackout. Revert back to the last
word of Step 2...S a n i t y. I will hold you in a Serenity Prayer and know that
you will reach better when the meditation kicks in. ((((hugs)))) smile

ljc · MIP Old Timer

Hmmm, yes I'll agree you do need a hug

((((((((( Joni )))))))))))

You are most definately dealing with life and doing a pretty good job of it too without drinking. Good for you !!

While reading your post I kept waiting to see when you were praying and you did finally say near the end that you in fact were praying. Are you also listening to what God would have you do ?

How about going back to a few little basics , and using the slogans ?
Such as .... Keep it simple, Take it easy.

How bout slow down !!!
Your brain is spinning out of control.

You have developed a few resentments as well as a result of having wayyyyyy to much on your plate. Would be very smart to work on those and try in the future to NOT pile on so much .

Are you eating anything besides nasty old pork potatoe chips ?? Anything good for you ??
How can your brain and body function on junk ??

I am anti-med so cant help ya there.

It sounds like you really do have alot of blessings in your life. Maybe when you go to bed at night instead of retiring with the attitude that Shit, I gotta do this all again tomorrow, you might try thinking differently .... Please God help me have a better outlook on my life, help me to pause when agitated or doubtful ....
Id suggest reading the book pages uhhhh 84-88 ( i think, forgive me, I dont have my book in front of me, but basically its steps 10 & 11 ) And I dont know where you are in working the steps, so those could be ahead of where you are in program .

Youve done the right thing in coming here and venting, sharing.
Thanks for helping me !!

I'll say a little prayer for you today that your life smooths out some, at least for today

John · Admin

(((((((SSS Hug))))))))))) SSS= Super Sized Safe

Whoa! Sounds like you are really pushing yourself way to hard. If someone else was doing to you what you are doing to yourself, you'd probably put a contract on their ass!" ashamed

LOL

Step Two - Came to believe in a Power greater than ourselves, that could restore us to sanity.

Breath, inhale, exhale... deeply. You are not alone. HP is in the office with you. (No, I'm not talking about your printer). biggrin

One thing (Step/Day/Project...) at a time
Easy Does It
First things First
Keep It Simple
Think, think, think... (think about your decisions, think about what you are thinking about your decisions, and think about calling your sponsor before you act on your decisions.)

HALT = Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired?? Take care of yourself, treat your dis-ease.

Know that there is a world of Miracles In Progress who love you dearly, want the best for you... We don't want to be on your nut hut visitors list! A degree in there won't do you much good, and those in there who call themselves PhD's truly believe it! LOL

In the spirit of recovery,
John

louisa · Senior Member

(((((Joni))))))

*smiling* Similar situation here !

7 weeks to my final assignment and exam and the Landlord decides to refurbish the flat next door to mine. OK Louisa!! Deep breath!!

Have got some ear plugs that do reduce the noise a fair bit but not enough when the drilling and knocking down of walls really starts! Have had to change my schedule to studying at night!!!!

My flatmate has been told now to NOT disturb me while I am studying (speaking wise) unless there's a fire. I had to shout and make a real big scene for him to finally get it. I had done the gentle diplomatic thoughtful (er....program?)approach only to be disturbed by such vital enquiries as, and I quote "Does this empty tuna can go in that rubbish bin or in that one?" WHAT!!!!!!! furious

WHAT!!!!???? mmm (me thinking to myself)...I'll tell ya somewhere it CAN go!!!!! biggrin

....or......."was it cold when you went out this morning?" confuse

At the moment he seems to be helpfully cooperating(I promise I am not being selfish - I am only asking to not be disturbed for the 3 - 4 hours I study each day) but like most things ......"this too shall pass" and no doubt I shall have to have another major blow up at him in time biggrin

I have NO idea what on earth this share adds to this thread but I have in the end ended up laughing at the insanity of it all!

DEEP BREATH Louisa!!!

mikef · MIP Old Timer

I can only say ,here in support,sometimes just rest from the day your in until God allows you the next one is all we need to restore us to sanity"Restoration written as coming to a point where alcohol,and "all its accompanying insanity,no longer control you life!Start your day deep into the 3rd and 11th steps,take 1 thing at a time,breathe!!!and step aside in humility,and I believe when you look back in the next period of life you'll say"man was kinda wound up huh!!!:) Talk to you later,have a blessed and productive day......... smile

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Joni...your life has a lot of crazy and hectic things going on. It is natural that you are feeling this way. When I first came into AA, I was dealing many of the same stressors. I split from my 7 year relationship, moved out on my own, started dealing with a bunch of new responsibilities. Anyhow, you do have a clue. You know how to do all these things. Just take time to realize the outside environment is really hectic for you and you don't have to respond with a frantic mind (as much as possible). My suggestion...try and make some time to do fun stuff!

Love,

Mark

turninggrey · MIP Old Timer

Joni,
Other than the expensive dental stuff (which any of us may have to deal with) and the fact that you are tired, look at how much you have accomplised under duress! I know that when it rains it pours, but I see this as a hugh test that you have passed. The paper is done, you are about to move and find peace, I know the dental is a bummer, but it has to be done, so get some sleep after class, congratulate yourself on your toughness and press on with a feeling of confidence that you lived through all that and remained sober--and put the experience in your back pocket when you are challenged again!
Prayers,
Tom

jonijoni1 · MIP Old Timer

Oh my Lord,
I thank all of your for your kindness, advice and keen sense of humor as well. I cracked a smile, I really did. I woke up this morning to soon-to-be-ex alarm going off downstairs at 5:30am, and him sleeping thru it, as usual (or so I though) and I hollered downstairs to the living room where he has been sleeping for the past 4 out of almost 6 years of marriage, "Turn that thing OFF PLEASE!!!!!!!" only to be met with, "I am across the hall from you, in the bathroom taking a Pi$$!!!!!! GAWD!! This is one of things I am NOT going to miss from beign married!" Apologies were offered. And I am not going to miss having to (???) yell like that, because there will be no one to yell at once in my new place, ALONE. <--(Blessing)

Got up again and guess what? I have too much on my plate right now, just like some of you said, waaay too much and then some (way too much for 2 people to deal with), and I rescheduled my hand nerve test for next week. WHY? Because I have a limited amount of sanity and eneergy, and I choose not missing group therapy this afternoon, over having needles pressed into my muscles (electromyelogram). Just for Today. The test is important, but my hand is NOT going to fall off between here and then. Did I mention that this is called prioritizing? It's a novel idea that I have seen done before.

So group, and sleep, is ALL I have on my agenda today. And by the grace of God, you people have brought me to this place. Ease and comfort? Not exactly. But a lot closer than at 4:30 am when I was ready to get catatonic and be wheeled away to the Wild Unknown.

A few questions here to answer-

AGO, I was on Step One as of last night, with nowhere else to go at 4:30 am for sanity, except here, which is the same for me as believing that God can indeed restore me to being rational and honest. And now as you will see below, being convinced, I am at Step 3.

I have been either speaking (and listening this time) to at length, or sitting down with my sponsor, every day. I have either gone to Group for 3 hours and shared and listened to my counselor who has 20 yeasr sober in AA and had a broken neck his last drunk, or to a meeting every day.

ljc, thank you ever so much for not advising me against medication, just because you are, as you said, "anit-med". Shows your humility and recognition that what is right for you may not be right for others. Thanks for that, and for not pouring gasoline on the fire which is atop my head.

And I have been eating a lot of fish (pass the vinegar Jeeves), and lots of orange juice and yogurt and fresh spinach salad, and yes, I do get my share of ice cream and junk, but to a lesser degree.

And to all the others, slogans. Cliche', but then I post them all the time (or my own made up ones which I have to watch lol) and although Easy Does It makes me want to grit my poor helplessly overpriced crowns right now (one of which has fallen our 4 times in the past 2 weeks), I know that meditating on this "Easy Does It" thing does indeed help me.

Like the lady who came to my house over a week ago and started the Steps with me again said, "Joni, when you relapsed, did you WANT to drink, or did you want peace/release/escape and you chose to try to obtain that through the lie of alcohol?" I gues it is evidentiary here that I do NOT want to drink, and that I DO know some truths about myself:
I don't want to drink today (=membership in AA)
I know fully that I am powerless over alcohol (=which is why I don't have a drink in my hand right now, because if I did I couldn't stop))
My life with alcohol in it is unmanageable (=which is why I have so many extracurricular things going on that I now need for survival as an alcoholic like AA, sponsor meets and group therapy, along with all this LIFE stuff)
My life is unmanageable WITHOUT alcohol in it (=because I have a thinking/perception/processing/scheduling dis-ease)
I believe with all my heart that a Loving God can and will restore me to sanity (=or at the very least right now, the ability to survive)
Having been convinced, I am, with your help, at Step 3. I will make the first real attempt to give this crap over to God, and make a decision to stop "Managing a Complex Universe" [Danielle] all by my lonesome)- and I will do this by syaing the 3rd Step prayer, on my knees, because life has brought me to my knees, and then I will make that list of things to do which I lied about last night, because that's how I can place this stuff physically in His hands. I can lay the list before my HP (no, not printer, thanks John) and let him have it for THIS 24 hours only.

Last week in a flurry when the SECOND car in our household had broke down for the week, and I was stuck downtown and about to be late for Group, I chose to leave the car, go to group and deal with the car later. And my 20-yeasr sober counselor, when I came in in a flurry, said, "She makes me nervous!" Uh huh. Me too. Can't wait to get this stuff out today in Group and hopefully leave some of it at the feet of the people trying to help me. Which is the same as leaving it before my HP, as they are the lifeboats he has placed in my path.

And you know what? No matter the size of the list by then I will give it to God again tomorrow, to cross out what He wants me to, and to KEEP me accomplishing what I have to.

And there is a silk thread of gratitude running through the tattered messy fabric right now, and that is that a) I have not found it necessary to pick up a dirnk or a drug, and b) at the very leat, having had $4 in my bank account, God did a pretty good job of providing the $300 for car repairs and the $4,000 for the teeth and the $500 for the land lord and so on.... "My HP shall supply all my needs, so long as I do not pick up and keep facing forward, ODAAT."

Good gracious, thanks for sharing with me, and letting me share again. I hope to God that someone here can benefit from my sober whirlwind right now, and I hope one of those poor souls is, in time, ME.

(((((((((((((((((((((((SSS HUGS BACK))))))))))))))))))))))

-- Edited by jonijoni1 on Monday 26th of April 2010 09:13:52 AM

-- Edited by jonijoni1 on Monday 26th of April 2010 09:50:18 AM

turninggrey · MIP Old Timer

Hey Joni
Read today's 24 hours a day message and see if your HP is not
speaking directly to you!

jonijoni1 · MIP Old Timer

With God's Help..... and Easy Does It.... and ODAAT.... and K.I.S.S.

Official To-Do List
Go to either Group or AA daily
Morning prayer
Call or email my sponsor
Eat
Take care of teeth
Take care of hand
Take care of mental health (Psych appts.)
Finish school work
Pack the house
Call cable company
Call electric company
Call gas company
Eat again
Get more moving boxes
Renew work credentials by July 1st
Meet with landlord/pay up rent thru July31st
Move boxes in small trips over 4 weeks
USE calendar
Schedule GP appt.
Keep up with laundry
Check in with MIP
Take a nap when I need one
Take a hot relaxing bath, daily
Eat again
Take my medication
Pray before bed
Go to bed before 2am

(There I am not lying this time LOL)

whitewhineoh · Veteran Member

Hey darlin,

I know EXACTLY how you feel. Overwhelmed isn't even the word. You would PAY to be overwhelmed or even have the capacity to THINK THE WORD because so much is going on all you can think is "AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!" I know the panic feeling of not being able to find my meds too. I have honest to God felt before that there was a decent likelihood of my being put in an institution as well. And this was before I even drank! (Ah PTSD, I do not miss you...)

A couple of things to note here: I get that the soon-to-be-ex kept interrupting you on the paper, and how stressful that was, but if you have anymore schoolwork to do today (which I imagine you do because it seemingly never ends), try and look at that not as work but as a pleasure, since you said you liked it. Think of it as "you time". Any time where you are doing something you enjoy can count as that.

Something that has been beyond helpful to me has been reminding myself over and over that I can only do one thing at a time. The more time I spend thinking about all I have to do, the more time I am actually just sitting there being unproductive. So take the thing you have to accomplish AT THAT MOMENT and focus only on that.

A very useful thing to me has been meditation. You might want to try TEN MINUTES of it in the morning. It actually makes me much calmer and more productive. I found it easier in the beginning to listen to a guided meditation. It makes it pretty foolproof. A great site for this is www.wildmind.org I recently told justtoni about it. They have free meditations you can download as well as really good explanations/intros to meditation. There are not enough words to say how much that site has helped me, but since you are overscheduled I'd just jump right to the guided meditation and worry about the hows and whys later!

You will get through this. You can't get through any more than this current moment right now. You can't get the car fixed or pack etc at the same time as you are reading this, eating breakfast, etc. So focus on what you are doing at the moment and be as present for it as you can. Remind yourself of this every time you can. YOU ARE DOING GREAT. YOU GOT THROUGH THAT WITHOUT A DRINK AND I COMMEND YOU! I say again, you will get through this.

XOXO
Rachel

jonijoni1 · MIP Old Timer

Rachel, thank you sincerely, from the very soul of me. A crown just fell out while I was reading here and eating toast with OJ, (LOLOLOL gotta LAUGH My ARSE OFF) and then with some dental apoxy, here I am again, reading and soaking in all that you and others have to offer, which is the calm peaceful voice of God through all of you, reaching out to me. Your suggestions for Meditation sound like something I am willing to try right now, especially with the convenience of the computer, and right here in my own home. (I also have suffered from diagnosed PTSD, and it creeps up to antagonize me again in times like this, thus a little help from a psychiatrist who practices prescribing that is SAFE for alcoholics and addicts- but that is another subject... it just helps to know that we are not alone in any of our -isms).

If I could make the time, and WHEN I can make the time, there is a spa here called Indian Summer, and being that I live in the Akron, OH area (what a blessing for an AA), this spa hosts yoga classes starting in June at the very Gate House (in it's gardens) where Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob first met, as guests of Henrietta Seiberling. It is called Stan Hywett gardens. And when I go there in a month or so when it starts in 5 weeks, after having accomplished so very much due only to the Grace of God in my life through AA, I will be the luckiest person there at the yoga class, with so much spirit pouring into me. It is hallowed ground for AA's, and I get the opportunity and pleasure of soaking that stuff in, right here in Akron. I am thrilled about the idea and one day at a time, I will get to June. But first, I have to get to tonight, right?

And I find myself sitting on the threshold right now, of starting to laugh uncontrollably while I look at my "LIST OF TO DO's" and at the little Murphy's Law stuff that presents something new and aggravating every half hour it seems, and if all this is not evidence of powerlessness and unmanageability, then someone needs to show me what is! I am seriously starting to feel much laughter well up inside me, and once I start, I may not be able to stop.... LOL I will linger for a few more minutes here, then it is to the tub for me, for that long hot bath. No harm in NOT waiting til tonight to do so, I need it now. And thank you, Rachel, for reminding me that this tool called relaxation is available to me right now.

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}

Aquaman · MIP Old Timer

Holy Sh*t, Joni!
You've been through quite the wringer in the last 15 hours.
"I am RELIEVED I am sober, but I am not HAPPY, not at all! I feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown at any moment."

all the way up to...
" I am seriously starting to feel much laughter well up inside me, and once I start, I may not be able to stop.... LOL I will linger for a few more minutes here, then it is to the tub for me, for that long hot bath."

Nice to see you didn't throw in the towel 5 minutes before the miracle.

Don't forget job #1; breathing (one more in than out is suggested) and job #2; don't drink or use today.

Peace and long hugs,
Rob

jonijoni1 · MIP Old Timer

OMG DUHHHHHHH.....

"Don't Drink!!" There is a novel idea Rob.....

Geesh, see how poorly my brain "functions"?? See? See that?? See??

Yup, I am an alcoholic of the garden variety and I BELONG here in AA.

(((((hugs))))))

P.S. I made it to Group, in a total fog, and was nodding and I was trying at one point to eat Baked Lays, and kept taking one out, dropping it on the floor by accident, throw it away, eat one, then drop another on the floor... repeated about a dozen times over... until my couselor, after 2 of our 3 hours of group, said, "You need to HALT. Go home and get some rest and we'll see you tomorrow, when you feel better."

Wise advice. A 3 hour nap, and I managed to get up this evening, eat some pretzels and gingerale (no caffeiene) and stop in here to say hello. And headed back to bed before midnight tonight. Ahhh, relief.

Larry_H · MIP Old Timer

Joni,

Nothing like a nap and some junk food to make you feel better.

((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))

Larry,
----------------------
Life is mostly froth and bubble,
Two things stand like stone,
Kindness in another's trouble,
Courage in your own.
~Adam Lindsay Gordon