Frustrated, Angry Rant

Aquaman · MIP Old Timer

Frustrated, Angry Rant

slugcat · Senior Member

hi wow you are doing well to stop the smokes. gosh i dont know what to say really but i am listening.
first off, congrats on stopping the smokes for one day! it is hard stuff to stop. me i waited till i was a year sober before trying, and then i went onto the nicotine replacement therapy, its 9 years later lol and i still use those patches when i want to which is not that great but its still way better than my chain smoking years ago. (maybe i should stop stop asi can do days without which is good)

i dont know how long u been sober but that was suggested to me to wait for at least a year or two before stopping the smokes.
Ive not been to Nicotine anonymous, (not ready for me yet) so i dont know what is said there. but my counsellor did warn me smoking dulls emotions and emotional pain so even after the withdrawls are gone it can still be really hard to cope with for some people because all the emotions come up.
i think you are doing really well to try stop the smokes. i tried cold turkey and could not do it, my body was hurting in agony and i was a mess crying. i dont give a damn if no one beleives me. I have come across some people who have stopped smokes easy and seem to be able to take them or leave them, have one and then stop. and then others like me who smoke 40 a day and cant even have one because then i start back to 40 again instantly.

me my husband does not go to alanon, i dragged him to an |AA once and he said it was ok. i wanted him to know what i was going through. he supports me but isnt interested in alanon or aa. it is dissappointing but i cant force him. i have been to 3 alanon meetings myself recently due to his drinking getting a bit worrying, and i think i might go to some more. i like their 3 Cs, i didnt cause it, i cant control it,i cant cure it. i think those are really good. i wish i heard them in AA cause it helps me. I think i am codependant and an alki.

anyways it would be great if spouses all went to alanon. i get fed up with my hubby not even trying a meeting but i cant make him. i think you are doing very well to not be screaming- stopping the smokes i screamed and yelled a lot i think. I hope you are not too hard on yourself with this going smoke free.

i hope you cut yourself some slack because you are doing great and honestly it is really good to stop smoking but a lot of people have to make multiple attempts. and its better to keep not drinking, aa first then the other addictions like smokes when ready, like i was told to wait a year, some might say dont wait but for me i think it was best. and i still didnt even go cold turkey and still use a patch now and then. I am not the best quit smoker to speak LOL oh dear.

but yeh stopping the smokes can be really really hard and my temper was nuts with it. still is when stressed so im still on and off nicotine sometimes(crutch i know) but ive not drank so that is the main thing for me i am happy about.

ps: i did find it really ahrd and i was on the gum and then patches, dont think i would have coped cold turkey at all. I was very emotional - angry yep but also i do think the smokes dull emotions in general.

best thoughts for you tc and plz be kind to you k

pps: i dont know what nicotine anonymous says about how long withdrawls are for? I felt like crap for at least a few weeks, then it started to be a lot lot easier, ive been told smokes are out of the body within 3 days though and feeling ick shouldnt last longer than a few days.

-- Edited by slugcat on Thursday 22nd of April 2010 06:01:20 PM

-- Edited by slugcat on Thursday 22nd of April 2010 06:02:35 PM

SUSIE · Senior Member

Aquaman I feel for you!!! BUT I want you to read what you wrote a few weeks from now and see if your still feeling that way. Just know we care and understand how hard it must be. Ive heard quitting cigs are harder then quitting the alcohol for alot of people. Hope you have a calmer nite.

AGO · MIP Old Timer

My reaction to this post is many layered

1st: I have what is best described by my Avatar to people who think THEIR boundaries belong in "my yard", who know what is best for everyone else and then force them to do it

Fear and Loathing of an almost pathological degree, like some people loathe alcoholics and the harm they have brought to their lives, I feel about codependants on occasion, the harm codependency has wrought in my life far outweighs the harm done by alcoholism, which isn't insignificant.

So no arguments there

However:

This to me appears to be a "justifiable resentment" coupled with chemical withdrawals from nicotine, which in and of themselves made me murderously angry

It sounds like you have a justifiable resentment and have "entertained it" ie allowed it to take over the drivers seat and go for a pretty significant drive in your head with a pretty good assist from nicotine withdrawal

This is the most dangerous, of the most dangerous of our emotions, the justifiable resentment, the book says we are not qualified to handle them, that they are best left for other men.

This is my experience

The book also states that we alcoholics are seriously sensitive, even over sensitive, and that it takes many of us a long time to outgrow this serious handicap.

In another thread Larry suggested someone "get off the cross, we need the wood", now I said normally I don't put up with that shyte, it was reserved for when I was being an ass, and my friends could then say that.

So If you and I were talking at a meeting and we were friends I would say that to you

and then run smile

SUSIE · Senior Member

lol AGO I love your post!

Toad · Senior Member

Howdy,
I am sorry for your pain my fisherman friend. I have no easy solution for the unfair spot you are in. Please don't drink.
Toad

Larry_H · MIP Old Timer

Rob,

A little compassion may be needed for your Wife my friend.

Your loved one was pregnant and had hormone swings all over the place, Now she had your daughter and may well be into Post Partum Depression. A dangerous woman. It is hard for us alcoholics to realize that when our wives fire an artillery salvo in our direction that she may be in pain. Emotional pain and you are in her gun sights. This too shall pass.

My wife is afflicted with severe daily migraine headaches and she frequently gets very hostile and angry towards me. I used to send another salvo right back and the War of the Roses would be on. Today I wait, I stop and think is she mad at me or is she hurting? Most of the time she is not angry with me but I am handy to vent on.

I can see the pain she is in. The best thing for me is not to accept the invitation to the argument.

Calmness and time always changes things.

When we got married I told her that I would not argue and fight with her. I would discuss issues calmly but if she wants to start a fight she should to go to the bathroom mirror and fight with the person in the mirror. You know that its impossible to argue if the other person does not join in.

Larry,
----------------
Forgiving is love's toughest work, and love's biggest risk. If you twist it into something it was never meant to be, it can make you a doormat or an insufferable manipulator. Forgiving seems almost unnatural. Our sense of fairness tells us people should pay for the wrong they do. But forgiving is love's power to break nature's rule. ~Lewis B. Smedes

Sobrietyspell · MIP Old Timer

Rob.. I hear you.. & my beautiful, angry, frightened brother.. I love you too. I know when you're done feeling frustrated, attacking, hurt & blaming.. You'll surrender & remember, there's only you you have your Higher Powered connection to change. I appreciate your coming here & releasing your pent up negative energy.

This is a safe place & you can let go & return to the love that is in you. The love of acceptance, understanding & forgiveness. I'm not saying your situation is ideal & it definately sounds difficult to deal with but I know you have your deep, deep, deep inner resource to protect you just for this moment. You said this share was not honest. I read honest frustration & anger.

If you want to get rigorously honest.. What will you say next? God bless you. I believe in you. I'm glad & grateful you vented here before doing anything else. I know you'll work through this just fine. You are not alone. Thank you for sharing & trusting in us. Recovery love & fellowship 1Day@aTime, Danielle x

runnergirl · Senior Member

Rob-
I'm sorry you're feeling so frustrated. I know what you mean about people just not getting it... It's not until you've experienced it that you truly understand. I remember thinking that an alcoholic friend of ours must have done something really terrible to feel as bad as he did. Now I get it... Guess we can only take deep breaths and get through the intense emotions...

Hugs,
L

Aquaman · MIP Old Timer

Thanks so much, everyone. Rant done...negative energy expended...AGO - you crack me up!
Ya know, I just needed to spew that crap out. Turns out that She & I had bigger trials to try.

Just got back from taking River to The Mayo Clinic in Rochester for some emergency follow-up blood work.
Her initial screening showed an indicator for wicked-rare Carnatine Uptake Defect (CUD...try getting a telethon for CUD!) which would basically result in her cells being very limited in how much carnatine (something our body turns food into so that our cells can metabolize it) is transported to the mitochondria in the cells. The body cannot create or process fat for energy reserves and metabolism during sleep cycles.

Best Case (1) = The initial screening was hyper-sensitive. 50/50 no worries at all.
Best case (2) = As long as she eats healthy on a regular schedule she's okay and will only need supplements if she gets some kind of digestive bug.

Worst Case (1) = Daily IV supplements and home schooling to minimize her exposure to colds and flus.
Worst case (2) = It won't get that far.

Still didn't drink. Twelve ounces short of hell.
Still didn't smoke. Just a puff away from a pack a day.
Put away a nice half a box of donuts, though.

Peace,
Rob

AGO · MIP Old Timer

My love and prayers are with you and River

I will however, continue to sulk at your wife for you if needed, nothing more frustrating then when life throws a monkey wrench in one of my tantrums, blows my whole deal man smile

Totally kidding, my prayers are with you and your whole family

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

Aloha Rob...Great rant or vent or vented rant...whatever. It reminded me of the
"befores"...before I got into recovery, before I got a sponsor and was also in
counseling at the VA alkie Center, before I was willing to dispose of all of my
weapons and just go humble with "Abandon yourself to God as you understand
God..."   No that didn't mean that I didn't also work the justice angle very well
either. "Love cannot exist without some dimension of Justice."

I learned to tantrum or relearned tantruming because the violent alternative was
gone with the alcohol. So outside, safe space, jump up and down pumping my
fist and swinging my arms wildly and use the best French I know and when I am
finished straighten my shirt and tie and calmly walk back in to our house.

On a more negotiative basis I learned how to say to my spouse, "I understand
that things are not right with you now and that you are going thru some pain.
However don't attempt to make me responsible for something I have no part
in."   I remember that I only had to say that one two or three times years ago
and while she still has the body voodoos at time I'm not blamed with it and
can use compassion rather than disinterest. Yowzers...Higher Education stuff.
It works the other way around too...She doesn't get to be responsible for my
crashes and cliff leaps either and I do not and will not make her pay for it.
Some of my flash rages are obscene and she doesn't feel fearful or concerned
because I own my own stuff.   Smoking? went for help with that...no patches
program revisited and used the VA cessation program. Funny I was at the
drug store yesterday and just had to check out the price of cigars...Just had to.
I know how my system works so I've up graded my program because I just had
to...Cunning Powerful and Baffling and I own the consequences which include
smelling like a Cuban leaf roller in front of my wife. It is a part of my own
program to own the addiction and the security of others. At this point I don't
feel like and have not bought any cigars nor have the desire (yay!!). From
a connected angle smoking and drinking always went together for me...better
play against all angles.   Its bigger than I am.   "God I offer myself to thee..."

Go practice a personal tantrum and walk the program in front of her.

smile

bikerbill · MIP Old Timer

Aquaman wrote:

Since joining AA and working it, I am a new man. For a few weeks now she has said "our new daughter won't grow up around third-hand smoke or your disgusting smoker smell."

So this is not a surprise demand then - for a few weeks she's been clearly expressing her expectations.

Difference between a terrorist and a sponsor? Terrorists negotiate. Difference between my wife and my sponsor? My sponsor has never taken a hostage.

Difference between a Social Worker and a Rotweiller, it's easier to get your kids back froma rotweiler than a social worker. Difference between my missus and a rotweiler - Lipstick. My missus is a social worker - you think you got problems?

So Cigarette-Free Day One sucks. It sucks fermented raw sewage through a Silly Straw.

That sounds like a good analogy for a cigarette for someone who has stopped smoking.

We addicts...we're f**king injured. We are spiritually and often psychologically wounded. Almost every non-addict, even the ones who claim to love us, rarely take our conditions seriously. Our condition/disease/whatever is as life-threatening to ourselves as total blindness and as dangerous to others as paraniod schitzophrenia. It's REAL and we work hard EVERY SINGLE DAY with our fellowship and God to live decent, loving, productive lives.

Hmm - have a hug. Nothing new here. the sympathy of my wife and her willingness to blunt the consequences enabled me to keep drinking for years. Glad she doesn't do it no more, but sometimes it feels like I'm being got at.

They see us as weak and they just want us fixed. BUT do they want us fixed for THEIR ends, or for a true love and concern for our well-being?

Cynical mode. People are selfish, civvies want us fixed for what they can get out of it, what's so wrong with that?

F**k. I gotta. Go.

Fishing. I prescribe fishing. Often.

really good of you to have a rant here rather than go to a bar, smoke 20 and chug beer. We are sensitive, we take things the wrong way. But I read that you knew you're wife wanted you to stop smoking so YOU have decided to stop smoking. Good for you. I'll give you 6 months before you turn into a rabid anti smoker. (smile)

SUSIE · Senior Member

Prayers for you and your family! Gods hands!

Larry_H · MIP Old Timer

Great Post Biker Bill,

You covered it all with sensitivity and humor

Larry,
---------------------
"I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all;
but whatever I have placed in Gods hands, that I still possess."

bikerbill · MIP Old Timer

Thanks Larry

Ms London · Veteran Member

Rob, I will be hoping for the best case scenario for your family and River. Take good care of yourself.

Aquaman · MIP Old Timer

I like you, Bill. Consider yourself invited.

whitewhineoh · Veteran Member

Heya, I may be new to sobriety, but quitting cigs I did a year and a half ago. I was a pack and a half a day smoker. I found the book "The Easy Way to Stop Smoking" to be an absolute life saver, no pun intended. Not only did I quit when I hadn't even been thinking about doing so, I never wanted to smoke again! Though your wife would have to allow you to continue smoking for a couple of days while you read the book, it is required.

That said, he has an "Easy Way to stop Drinking" which did not work for me in the slightest. I wish it had. But yeah. I had an easier time of quitting than ever before because it totally changed my perspective. It made me honestly not want to smoke. And it had nothing to do with scare tactics or anything. That doesn't work. It just takes away what you think appeals to you about it so that you no longer want it.

jonijoni1 · MIP Old Timer

AGO: "Fear and Loathing of an almost pathological degree, like some people loathe alcoholics and the harm they have brought to their lives, I feel about codependants on occasion, the harm codependency has wrought in my life far outweighs the harm done by alcoholism, which isn't insignificant."

----

Just like alcoholism, codependency is an -ism in its own rite, and we can eventually walk away from codependency just like we can alcohol or some of its -isms. Although codepencency can be viewed as a separate illness, and the word is never used in our BB (I don't even think it was a concept yet then), the BB is frought with examples of it, and it is part of alcoholism in every alcoholic life that did not get sick and then get well on a deserted island, in complete solitude. I think folks who have the knowledge that there is codepency run amok in their lives can also, and to a very good end, get help for this along with AA, wether it be through counseling or a separate CODA program, or both.

I know it is massive in my failed marriage due in part to my alcoholism and my husband's separate -isms, and I need all the help I can get.