Hello everyone. I am reaching out to all of you. I have not been on here for quite some time, playing toe touch with my home meetings as well, not b/c I don't want to go but...well there really is not excuse other than the fact that I can't share at a meeting w/o crying my eyes out. I'm 27 months sober, and I am so proud of me for that! I have found something that I do for me on a regular basis that is not work and I enjoy it so much. My boyfriend since I am not at home all the time comes hom after drinking often now more it seems and he is not an alcoholic but it is so aggrivating to be exposed to that often. I guess I feel I have paid my dues! I'm doing my part, I am sober!! My son is having his own issues and I'm dealing with that as well, and on top of that mt step son (well not legally) has moved here b/c his mom could not take him anymore and he is SO needy, she has always done everything for him and I am getting a full dose of that and his father well....I'm doing it all, we'll just say that! My school work is suffering and I got to say I'm just hurt, mad, any other word you want to put in there go ahead. I know I'm venting and I am glad that you all will read. I have called my sponser and awaiting her reply, it was suggested to me today to start the 12 steps over, doesn't seem like a bad idea. I just feel broken today, can't stop tearing up. This to shall pass I know but god my heart is so heavy right now. Thx for listening
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Don't tell God how big your storm is, tell the storm how big your God is!
I'm glad you know you're not alone & will reach out no matter how upset you might be. Start the program over? I don't know where you're upto with your program & steps but if you've worked hard on each step & are in your maintenance steps right now with an ongoing willingness to make amends/take action, it may be that you have to step up your maintenance program e.g. 10/11/12. I have to take a written inventory daily whilst honestly praying in the morning & listening for God's will for me to keep my worries at bay.
Life is hard & we spin many plates but it's my heart, mind & soul that needs looking after & that takes a great faith that my Higher Power is doing for me what I can't do for myself. You'll be surprised how some stepwork & sharing will lighten your load, Carla. You're a little over two years sober & still learning how to live in the world away from that old dependence on alcohol. I learn & relearn all the time just how much I need to continue to depend on my God too. I neglect my program when I'm feeling well because I think maybe I don't need to do it & I can be 'independent'. I very quickly unravel after a few days/weeks & a great pressure & sadness builds up.
Do the program over if you feel guided to or it makes sense on talking with your sponsor & members that you trust. You are doing well & I know you work hard on you. Mind for your resentments, lady, they always disturb my serenity. You can do this & you can love & let go knowing that all of this is in the care of. You are not alone, Carla & God is helping you if you can stay open, hear & notice. Pray for strength & guidance. Your answers will come 1Day@aTime. See if you can keep it in the day. I know for me I can allow worry to mount & I have to remember my Step3 decision followed by the action of my program. I hope some of this may encourage you.
I know with your willingness you will feel better soon. Godbless you, Sacrifice :) Recovery love & fellowship, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Hello Carla! Glad you stopped back in.Congratulations of staying sober for 27 months ,a miracle for sure.We are similar in our situatuions.I am an alcohol in recovery almost 26 years,and have a son (23 yrs old) who is now in recovery from years of IV heroin abuse.I not only attend our fellowships but also a 12 step program for Parents and relatives of those with substance abuse problems(in respect to our 6th tradition)We must be very careful to ensure,no matter what ,our recovery has to come first and stay intact or everything goes out the window.I would highly suggest you find an Al-ANON or a similar program to help yourself learn to "detach with love" ,set boundaries(that you can keep)and realize that the steps work in all those situations also. ,we are powerless and unmanageble. Boundaries are very important as,they give you guidelines so you dont feel you are being walked over and catching all the "resentments that really keep us sick.,but you must follow thru on what you set up ,and only a couple to not overwhelm the situation..We had to put our son at 19 out on the street in hopes of saving his life.We were fortunate,he was arrested and went to jail and then court placed.Our disease will always lay in wait and even myself after so many years started thinking"diseased thoughts"(I could blot this whole thing out in a minute!!) when our world was crumbling around us.You are taking correct steps of meeting with your sponsor,continue to make meetings ,reenforce that you are sick and need help( our disease manifests itself in all areas of our lives).You don;t have to live like this,but you will need to use tools you have and learn others(co-dependancy,family addictions,etc)I will keep you in prayer and definitely can identify.Keep the God of your understanding in front of everything,get out of the way and 'LET GO IN THE AREAS YOU NEED TO....keep coming back,and continue "working"
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Thank u for your kind words Mike and Sobrietyspell, they really are appriciated. I know that boundries are going to have to be set around here. I can't be me and do for me( work 2 jobs, go to school and my only favorite outlet is me hooping(not basketball) when I have a 16yr old, 19yr old and a 43 yr old....that rely on me for everything. The alcohol is never in my home but really! must I smell it on him? NO!
On the flip side..I know I have been cutting corners on meetings and well...How's that working for me? It's not at all so my next step is getting back to the regularly and maintaing that peace and serenity. I got a new big book today that I will begin reading once again, I need that also.
Thx again for both of your replys. Carla
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Don't tell God how big your storm is, tell the storm how big your God is!
Good to see you reaching out for help before you drink. Sounds like you know what is needed. Now do it!
Get back to what worked, frequent meetings, sharing, working the steps with a sponsor, Not drinking one day at a time no matter what. Reading and STUDYING the Big Book.
If it were me I would instill a little responsibility into those who live with. you bu cutting back on doing everything for them. If they don't do it it don't get done if you know what I mean. Sounds hard, well it seems to be affecting your sobriety and that has to come first in your life no matter what.
Larry, ----------------- Every day is an opportunity to make a new happy ending. ~Author Unknown
You know, last time I got married, my prayer to my Higher Power was to ask Him to give me strength to make it to the "till death do us part" of the wedding vows this time without being unfaithful and without drinking. I promised that I'd do everything in my power with His help but that I couldn't promise I'd be able to do that if my husband drank or used. I even added that to my wedding vows. Because I knew my sobriety absolutely had to come first no matter what. I had proven to myself in other relationships that if a partner used or drank, I'd fall off the wagon myself eventually.
It's true what they say---watch out what you pray for. LOL I did make it to the "till death" part but my husband didn't stay clean at the end of his life. It was hard but my HP got me through it. I've stayed sober through it all and ever since his death, too. I almost didn't get there, though. I had told him a couple of days before that it was the end of the road and I couldn't do it anymore. Two days later, he OD'd on heroin. It wasn't my fault, though.
Thing is, though, I had to make it plain to him---and above all to me---that if at any time my sobriety was threatened, sobriety came first. With me it has to be my Higher Power, my sobriety---and then everything else. Nothing can come before those two things. I put my Higher Power first because without Him, I don't have sobriety anyway.
When I first got sober I saw a little blip in the newspaper that said, "When the going gets tough, the tough go drinking". I cut it out taped that to the back of my driver's license. It was meant as a joke, I'm sure, but that was very, very true for me. When I tried to suck it up and power through anything and everything on my own, I buckled from the stress and drank. I had to admit I was powerless over people, places and things and just trust a Higher Power for everything. But my Higher Power will let me take things back and try powering through on my own any time I think I can do it better. Then the stress starts building---and building---and building again. Then I'm headed for a drink for sure unless I stop myself, admit my powerlessness over people, places and things again, and turn it all over to my Higher Power.
Being powerless means I can't compensate for what someone else failed to do for their kids. It means I can't honor relationship commitments through boozy breath blowing in my face. It means even if someone else---even someone else in the program----can do these things, I can't and that that's okay. I don't have to. All I have to do is admit I can't. Turn it over to my Higher Power. Then let him take care of it. But that also means I don't keep myself in a position where I'm trying to do what I can't do where the stress is going to build---and build---and build.
My heart goes out to you. You remind me a lot of myself. Please don't let that stress build. :)
Update to you all, I had the discussions that needed to take place last night and today. I got great responses, so....we will see what happens. I went to my meeting again this morning and walked away feeling whole again. I do know what I need to do and am doing just that. I was so much at peace today, so much of my heart, mind and soul.
Thank you all for your support, it still amazes me that I can be gone away from this site and still have you all that care and are willing to help with anything needed. It is truly a blessing to me:)
It is wonderful to meet all of you as well!
Sobrietyspell, resentments are truly an ugly thing! They manifest and manifest until I become the old Carla that drank and was angry and frustrated. That is not me today and I refuse to let myself fall back into that place. I love me and my life now, but if I don't take care of me, than I can't help anyone else. Surrounding myself with great friends that have this illness is the key to my success and in the process hopefully help someone in need.
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Don't tell God how big your storm is, tell the storm how big your God is!
