Can't get comfortable at meetings

jluvs2day · Member

Can't get comfortable at meetings

Oblong · Veteran Member

You said

"I can only get away from work about once a week to go and it is always helpful,"

I guess if you think it's helpful you should keep going:)

I can totally relate to not feeling comfortable though. I just went to my first meeting. Posted about it in another thread though.

Larry_H · MIP Old Timer

Jan,

I do not know what hours you work but I checked the meeting listing for Nashville, TN. They have over 200 hundred meetings a week in that city. I find it hard to believe that your work limits you to one meeting a week.

One meeting a week was not enough for me. We suggest 90 meetings in 90 days as a starting point. Have you discussed not going to meetings with your sponsor? If she agrees with not attending meetings I would suggest getting another sponsor.

The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous reads in part "If you are willing to go to any lengths". Only you know the answer to this. If you want what we have you need to follow the suggestions of those who have gone before you.

The choice is yours alone to make. We are not the AA police (there is no such thing)

Larry,
---------------
If all you do is go to meetings and sit on your ass, all you're going to get is a sore ass

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

Aloha Jan...that was my story early on also.   It seems that the issue is fear and
here is a suggestion. Go back to that meeting and offer to lead the meeting
on the topic of fear. Share about it for yourself and then let the rest of the group support you. There a three anagrams for fear that I've heard in program
since I've been here   F E A R    "Eff everything and run"; "Face Everything And
Recovery" and "False Evidence Appearing Real" which is the one I have
currently adopted.   What I am usually affraid of is in my head only and appears
real only from that personal point of view. When I lead the group in discussing
it they give me more evidence to look at from their experiences which helps me
to reach the opposite emotion of fear (to me) Love is the absence of fear.

That is some of the treasure I have dug up from inside the program. Try the
suggestion and if you are feeling fear in the lead?   Say it out loud and let
the group know. They will support you beyond your expectations.

Keep coming back.    smile

Rob84 · MIP Old Timer

Keep coming back!

Congrats on 8 months you must be doing a lot of things right.

It did take me some time to become comfortable at meetings, you mentioned you drank to cover up your shyness and discomfort with people, sounds like you still have some discomfort.

The great thing is that by going to meetings and dealing with this issue you are experiencing personal growth and learning to face your personal issues without the drink.

1) It would be great if you could go to more meetings, then you would see many of the same people more than once a week.

2) I would suggest getting to the meeting early and standing by the entrance door and stick out your hand and greet everyone as they walk in the room, maybe your sponsor or another person will do this with you. It used to be tradition in many groups for new people to do this so others would get to know them.
A few weeks of doing this and everyone will know you.

3) Become active in the group/become a member, make coffee etc.

The root of our problem is selfishness, not going to meetings and giving back what was given to us is the most selfish thing we can do. What if your sponsor didn't go to meetings?

Be there for the newcomer and do whatever you can to help them feel comfortable and pass on the miracle

lukin · Veteran Member

Do you have a sponsor? As soon as I got a sponsor I liked, my days of going to one meeting a week were OVER. Quickly.
Highly recommend the 90 in 90.
I did 1-2 meetings a week for about the first 9 months in the program. I also relapsed and relapsed and relapsed. Drove me crazy.

If you don't like one meeting, find another. Find one that's all women if that might make you more comfortable. Ask around, stay after & find out where the other people go. Trust me, if you ask for help people are more than happy to offer suggestions. They won't, however, come up to you and give you advice.

And I agree, unless you truly live in Dogpatch, there really ought to be more than one meeting a week you can get to. I grew up in a teeny-tiny town (less than 1000 people) and there were at least 3 AA meetings a week there.

Ellen E · Senior Member

Oldtimers at the meetings I went to would say, "It's not all about you!" In other words, even though I felt like I was the center of interest at every meeting I went to, that wasn't the case. Everyone there has their own concerns and their own lives to work on so they weren't as interested in "me, me, me" as I was. The reason I felt like all eyes were on me is that I was self-centered. Alcohol had wrapped me all up in myself so that me and the booze were all that was important to me anymore. It didn't even occur to me that I wasn't so important to everyone else, too.

To remedy this, my sponsor and the others more mature in the program told me to get involved with those who were newer than me. They told me to reach out to them. Get them a cup of coffee, greet them at the door and stuff like that. To get phone numbers from as many members as I could who had more time than me was suggested, too, and then not just collect them---to use them---make calls!

The way this program works is one alcoholic reaching out to another alcoholic. It doesn't work by just showing up at a meeting a week and sitting there like a deer in the headlights, not saying anything and bolting out afterwards. Until you get involved----becoming willing to go to any lengths which means ACTION---it's not going to work.

They told me to think of this----what would I have done to get a drink? Would I have found time off work to go somewhere else to drink if I had to? Would I have talked to other people if I had to? Would I have lingered around if I was getting drinks? Well, I had to do all that if I wanted to stay sober, too. If I had wanted to drink, I'd have blown off the job, friends, marriages and kids for a drink. In fact, I really had done that by the time I sobered up.

As for your sponsor, I was also taught that I was to sponsor others to keep myself sober, not to get them sober. I can't get anyone else sober except myself. So your sponsor isn't sponsoring you to keep you sober. You have to do that yourself. That means you have to put some oomph into your own sobriety by getting involved and working for it, not depending on the fact that you just make it to one meeting a week and have a sponsor. I'm surprised your sponsor isn't requiring that you go to more meetings a week than you do with so many available to you in your area. I hope she doesn't let you just hang onto her coat-tails and drag along not even going to one meeting. If she does, I suggest you find another sponsor.

Are you willing to go to ANY lengths? If you aren't, then you might have some more drinking to do.

angelov8 · MIP Old Timer

I experience paralysing fear in front of groups of people. In the beginning I felt it important to listen and look for things I related to in what others had to say. After the first few months, I have forced myself to share in meetings in order to feel more connected to the fellowship. Besides, I was told someone else might need to hear something I say. I have to be willing to be horribly uncomfortable for 30 seconds or so. I ask HP for guidance and a pinch of peace before sharing. I often can't recall exactly what I've said, but people often tell me they appreciated it after wards.

It's gotten easier to share with time. I keep it simple. Once found myself saying something ironic and everyone laughed, that was good day. The angst before sharing still causes my heart to beat so fast that it feels it will bust outta my chest. I lose my train of thought and end what I'm saying abruptly. It's OK. I'll be freezing beforehand and have to take off all the layers afterward.

I have wanted to tell it at the board that I still sometime experience horrible fear about posting right HERE, where no one knows me physically. It's wacky.

Why do I go to the trouble? Because I know beyond a doubt I am alcoholic and it is infinitely more painful to continue the way I was than try to change. Besides, the promises say it gets good-And it really has! All this social fear shows me how deep my messed up behavior patterns go. I thought the alcohol was helping, no way-the opposite was true. It was keeping me stuck in a rut.

Despite this social muck, I have managed for twenty years to hold down jobs dealing with the public and no one thinks I am shy. It's all pretty bizarre. Thank you for bringing up the topic.

Avril G · Senior Member

Checkout this topic about not feeling comfortable in meetings

http://www.activeboard.com/forum.spark?aBID=42735&p=3&topicID=35393677