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Poz


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Help PLEASE- what would you want?
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-- Edited by Poz on Monday 19th of April 2010 11:14:48 AM

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AGO


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Welcome

You may be able to get the help and support you need from a friends and family of alcoholics forum, also by attending Al-anon meetings yourself

http://www.activeboard.com/forum.spark?forumID=42727

Given a choice I would let it lie but I really am trying to do what would be in his best interest.

We find it best not to work another persons program or what happens is we get emotionally twisted around if they don't "do it our way" or "do it right"

Alcoholism is called a family disease as it affects everyone it comes in contact with, Alanon teaches us to bring the focus back on ourselves and start looking what is in our own best interest, not worrying about what is in someone else's best interest, which usually has adverse consequences for US strangely enough

Please check out the link I posted and some Alanon literature as well as "Codependent No More" by Melody Beatty, Getting them Sober by Toby Rice Drew and Pia Melody's Books


-- Edited by AGO on Monday 19th of April 2010 09:42:51 AM

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Larry_H


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Poz,

Look up Alanon in the phone book and give them a call.  You will be glad you did
they all are spouses, family or friends of Alcoholics.  Alanon helps them deal with the Alcoholic no matter if they are drinking or sober.

As to your question, Alcoholics like me are usually best served when we are held
accountable for our actions.   However many of us when we drank, me included had blackouts.  A blackout is not the same as passing out.  In a blackout we continue to function but have no memory at all of what we said or did while drinking.   That does not excuse our actions at all but it may explain why your husband does not remember putting you in danger.

The bottome line is if you are serious about helping your husband, you have to help yourself first and the answer is in Alanon.

I wish you the best.

Larry,
------------------------
My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.  ~Author Unknown

-- Edited by Larry_H on Monday 19th of April 2010 09:45:34 AM

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Poz


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Oops. Never mind...
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-- Edited by Poz on Monday 19th of April 2010 11:15:38 AM

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Larry_H


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Poz wrote:

Thank you AGO and Larry. The general opinion of those groups is that I should talk to him. But that's from the perspective of people who aren't struggling with addiction. Their advice is meant for ME and that's not really what I'm seeking. I know exactly what I need but I don't know what it's like to be on the other side of this particular fence. No matter how many times it's explained to me the daily challenges & victories, I can't ever really know what it's like. I guess that's really what I'm asking here- if you were my spouse, would it help or harm your recovery? Would you want to know? This isn't about ME, it's about him and I'm lost as to what I should do.


Larry- did people ever tell you what happened during a blackout? Was it helpful to know or do you think it would have been better if they let it go?


-- Edited by Poz on Monday 19th of April 2010 09:48:00 AM

 I would want to know,   Without a full knowledge of my condition I have no hope for telling the doctor (my sponsor) so that I get the right treatment.

I have frequently been told what I did in blackouts and although very embarrasing and humbling it was a good thing for my recovery


Larry,
---------------
The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own.  You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president.  You realize that you control your own destiny.  ~Albert Ellis



-- Edited by Larry_H on Monday 19th of April 2010 09:53:12 AM

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Poz


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Thank you Larry! That's what I needed to know

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AGO


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I really suggest reading those books

Yes, the truth never hurts but my favorite Alanon saying is "Get off of their back, get out of their way, and get on with your life"

We alcoholics get addicted to alcohol, we codependents get addicted to alcoholics, and thinking we know "what is best" for them and then telling them, there is a reason why your friends in Alanon are trying to bring the focus back on you


We didn't cause it
We can't cure it
We can't control it (or them)

In AA I had to learn if I did something 5 times the responsibility stopped being the other person's, for example, if I got into a car being driven by a drunk person, the first car wreck I could maybe say it was their fault, the next four times I would have to take responsibility for myself getting in the car, it is no longer "their fault"

I really suggest Alanon



-- Edited by AGO on Monday 19th of April 2010 10:28:58 AM

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mikef


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Hello Poz! welcome to the forum.I also attend Naranon(RELATIVES AND FAMILY OF ADDICTS in respect for our 6th tradition,no endorsement)),for myself,as my 23 year old son is a hard core IV heroin abuser(by God's grace in recovery now). For me,as someone who suffered from all mind altering mood changing substances I also found out the manifestation of my disease also kept me co-dependant on my son.My life was unmanageable I was powerless over his addiction.I also spent many years in blackouts,not knowing what state I was in (literally when I came to)what I did,only sick feelings in my stomach or people telliing me down the road what happened.Wasn't pretty..I believe it is very important for you to get help for yourself(one of the aforementioned programs.No one can save us!!!!By surrendering and coming to believe and doing the work,one day at a time, we move forward.Ask your Hp for guidance and I'll keep you in prayer.let us know how its going okay................

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jonijoni1


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Poz, I don't want to be the wet blanket here, but speakaing as a surgical technician who knows a little about medicine, there is no way a "swimmer" could fertilize and egg in the abdomen unless that egg was IN the abdomen or headed for it, where an egg doesn't belong in the first place and usually can't even get to. The blame-game has to go for either of you to get better and move on, whether individually or separately. WHO is responsible for the unusual pregnancies might not be worth arguing, as after the first one,when husband was blamed, you elected to attempt additional pregnancies with the same man with the same drug problems. So you were part of the decision there..... I am not trying to beat YOU up here, I just think this whole thing is totally OFF the mark as to what is really important today for you, which is this:

Do you, as a responsible non-alcoholic, want to keep living and dealing with an alcoholic? If so, then you accept the consequences of doing so, plain and simple. And Al Anon can show you what to expect possibly on the horizon, and how to deal with that in a way that does not make YOU sicker for it. I once heard a non-alcoholic woman who was married to an alcoholic man say, at a convention where they had both AA and Al Anon speakers,
"I had to look at who was sicker... the one who came home and puked every night at 3am, or the one who night after night, continued to clean up the puke at 3am."

Like others have said here, Al Anon is a great program and specifically tailored to someone like you who is trying to cope. There are codependency issues run amok in these kinds of marriages, and best to get the support from people who understand what YOU are going through. There are marriages just like yours that develop a recovery-based foundation which succeed and flourish, and there are marriages that don't. But Al Anon will give YOU the best possible chance you have of making the right choices for yourself from here on out.

take care and best of health to you and your baby!!

Joni

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