The last couple of weeks have been pretty hellish for me. Unable to completely "get" step one has been a real problem for me, leaving open the doors to and questions about drinking. I had a few days of drinking, hiding it, and doing stupid stuff which resulted in what boils down to an ultimatum from my husband. While that is absolutely heart breaking and devastating to me, I think it's the kick in the ass I needed. My husband and kids are the MOST IMPORTANT thing in my life and I cannot, will not, hurt or lose them. I'm having a hard time to wallowing in self-hate and remorse for what I've done, but am working hard at today. Have an apt. with an outpatient clinic next week and will do whatever I have to in order to straighten myself out. This shit is done. Sorry I've been absent here for a while. To mired in my own crap, I guess. Say a little prayer for me if you have some spare time. My heart is achin'.
-- Edited by runnergirl on Friday 16th of April 2010 01:14:40 PM
hEY lAURIE! when we surrender completely, for whatever reason ,we know we can't do this anymore.,,Make this the time for you.!..In support,let us know how you are doing ..
__________________
Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
The last couple of weeks have been pretty hellish for me. Unable to completely "get" step one has been a real problem for me, leaving open the doors to and questions about drinking. I had a few days of drinking, hiding it, and doing stupid stuff which resulted in what boils down to an ultimatum from my husband. While that is absolutely heart breaking and devastating to me, I think it's the kick in the ass I needed. My husband and kids are the MOST IMPORTANT thing in my life and I cannot, will not, hurt or lose them. I'm having a hard time to wallowing in self-hate and remorse for what I've done, but am working hard at today. Have an apt. with an outpatient clinic next week and will do whatever I have to in order to straighten myself out. This shit is done. Sorry I've been absent here for a while. To mired in my own crap, I guess. Say a little prayer for me if you have some spare time. My heart is achin'.
-- Edited by runnergirl on Friday 16th of April 2010 01:14:40 PM
If there was ever a group of people that understand having to ride the little choo choo to the end of the line it's this one, it's what we all have to do in our own way in order to "get" this thing
Aint none of flown in here on the wings of victory, but one thing you might take note of is every single person that surrendered and did what was suggested is flying on them now.
The elevator only has one direction as long as we keep doing what we were doing, and it aint up, it can ALWAYS go lower, conversely, once we surrender and "do the deal" it only has one direction as well, Up.
They both are bumpy rides but one has heaven in it as the destination, the other has hell, and I aint talking about no Christian afterlife either
Keep coming back, go to a meeting TODAY do NOT wait, this thing will eat you and your family
__________________
Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a night, light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
Because you are a part of this family, and when I see that your heart is hurting, makes my own ache for you...
Laurie, about that self hate, wow, I had so much of that, it would have filled an encyclopedia...
What I did not get, in my relapse history, was that I WAS NOT a Bad Person, I was a pretty decent and loving person, that had a really really horrible and BAD Disease that was so cunning baffling and powerful .....Took years for me to separate the two. and with God's help and HIS LOVE, I was finally only through his GRACE, allowed to see finally that I was Loved by God, always was, just missed understanding it..
We are here for you always, as someone else wrote, no one in here comes in on wings. it is usually up and out of the trenches of shame and despair, and utter giving up to I CANT, HE CAN, and I LET HIM!!!!
love you my dear friend. WE ALL DO! Toni
-- Edited by Just Toni on Saturday 17th of April 2010 10:15:10 AM
Hi Laurie, there's no teacher like experience, and you've been going to school for a while on this. If you recall, last year I believe that I mentioned that it's more than typical for spouses to get fed up with our drinking. Their frustration can feed into a viscous circle. Imo, newly sober, that are in domestic relationships must work extra hard to keep the focus on themselves and their recovery. I wasn't able to do and consequently lost my marriage, which happened to be a good thing, because it was pretty dysfunctional. My suggestion is to stop trying to think your way out of this and just try working the program. It works if you work it.
what boils down to an ultimatum from my husband. While that is absolutely heart breaking and devastating to me, I think it's the kick in the ass I needed. My husband and kids are the MOST IMPORTANT thing in my life and I cannot, will not, hurt or lose them.
I came to the program because of an ultimatum from my wife, but I stayed for me. I found out that I could not get sober for another person no matter how sincere my desire or how much I loved them.
When I wanted to get sober because I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I was finally able to accept and work step 1 completely.
You have ask yourself are you at the point that you are willing to do whatever is suggested no matter whether you want to or not? Are you willing to go to any lengths? If your answer is yes you have our full support, prayers and love. If your answer is no you might as well go back out and drink some more until you can answer yes. Because it just won't work until you surrender completely.
Larry, ----------------- Anything an alcoholic lets go of has claw marks all over it
-- Edited by Larry_H on Friday 16th of April 2010 06:26:03 PM
It took me every single drink I drank to get me where I am today. Not a single one less. When you finally own your disease then it will work for you to get into lasting sobriety. For me, I had to run out of excuses for why I drank. It couldn't be "I didn't go to meetings" or "I didn't do the steps" or "I didn't have a sponsor" or "I didn't call my sponsor" or "I didn't have a Higher Power" or whatever----I had to drink till I ran out of every single excuse for why I drank except that "I'm an alcoholic." I didn't drink for any other reason----I drank because I'm an alcoholic." I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else, but that's how it was for me. I had read the Big Book that day, I had said prayers that day, I had gone to two meetings that day, I had talked to my sponsor that day, I was working on steps that day---and I still drank! Now that scared the hell out of me because I had no excuses left except that I'm an alcoholic and I'm powerless over this disease. Until I got to that point, I was doing it on my own power, believing that if I did the right thing, then I had control over it. For me, I had to be totally and utterly convinced that there was nothing I could do about it on my own power.
I wish I could have pulled you over the threshold but that threshold is for you to walk through, never to be pulled through.
Your well-being means a lot to me and you mean a lot to me, too. Strange as it sounds to you right now...I'm happy for you that you ran out of places to hide.
runner, I too have fallen down as of late. But YOU have to become more important than your husband or kids, really. You do it for YOU. And then in time, they will also reap the benefits of your sobriety. That is what I have been told and am steady learning for myself, one day at a time.
Love and hugs, and we can do this!!!
Joni
__________________
~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
My heart is achin'.
hEY lAURIE! when we surrender completely, for whatever reason ,we know we can't do this anymore.,,Make this the time for you.!..In support,let us know how you are doing ..