First and foremost I am grateful that I made it through last night without a drink. It was beyond difficult. For those who didn't see my post yesterday, after a stressful day at work, I had to go first to a wake and then to a bar for a date. (Yes, yes, I know, bad on two counts with the date.) Oddly enough I had a much harder time at the wake. I didn't know the deceased so that wasn't it. It was just that I got asked what felt like a thousand times if I wanted a glass of wine. I had a half a sandwich and that made me very self conscious since I don't normally drink around these people. There were a bunch of people I didn't like who I feel very insecure around. High school mean bitches who haven't changed. My mom who was supposed to be there to support me came 40 minutes late. She commented that I looked incredibly tense. Um, yeah. Ya THINK?
Went from there to the bar to meet the date, who was kind of jerky. I drank seltzer. Oddly enough, I totally didn't mind! I didn't drink at bars all that often, was much more into drinking at home or other people's houses. So long as I had something cold it didn't really bother me. Certainly wouldn't go to one to just hang out for fun, but was surprised that it wasn't harder. I have another date this weekend, but this is much better as we are going to take my dog for a walk in central park. Much better.
It occurred to me that if we were drinking, yeah I used to think of it as "relaxing" but then we're not really getting to know each other, are we?
I have been having a really big problem calling people from the program. People are wonderful and give me their numbers and I just can't bring myself to call even when I know I need to. I have always been big into isolating myself and getting through things myself. I know that won't cut it here. Yet I am just TERRIFIED. I take out my phone and just stare at it, chicken out and put it back.
One of the reasons MIGHT have to do with my eating disorder stuff. I am a recovering Anorexic and with eating disorders, it's INCREDIBLY triggering to hear another anorectic talk about their behavior or experience with starving/exercising etc. It always made me, and many others go out and want to outdo it. So I sometimes feel like I shouldn't bother anyone with my drinking stuff lest they get triggered by it. I know that's not really how it works, but I think just out of habit maybe?
Or where I wanted to call someone before going on the date I was afraid they'd yell at me for going, which would make me say "the hell with it".
Hey WW, Your body is reacting to a lack of alcohol. Your brain is used to the pattern of alcohol. You have conditioned yourself to have alcohol as part of your life, your brain, body, emotions, eating patterns, bathroom patterns, etc, etc. You sound a lot like me in that you are more reclusive and do not want to call other AAers. Call them. AA is like anything else in life, in that its not perfect. You will be lucky if you hit on the "right" combo of people in AA right off the bat. By "right" I mean "in tune" with your particular needs. Many people get a sponsor and then change until the right combo is hit. The "right" sponsor does not mean the "easy" sponsor. To me it means the sponsor who can keep you on track and who you can respect enough to believe because this person has walked in your shoes. What do you do outside of AA? The reason I ask is because no matter what you do, and do well, there is some expertise that goes with it. There is always a "learning curve" and that is where your body and mind are at. Its frustrating, but we have all been there. Read all you can from the Big Book and really try and find a sponsor. Call the numbers. Find your niche. Trust that after a few frustrating "start up" experiences, the program will make more and more sense. A sponsor or calling your contacts would get you an immediate answer to your questions instead of waiting for 3 hours for someone to get back to you here. BUT this forum is great to put it down in writing and getting lots of view points! Good Luck, Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Glad you made it through yesterday, WW, I was concerned for you. :)
I can relate to your having a hard time picking up the phone. I think, for me, it's my ACOA stuff, which 20 days withoout alcohol has nothing to numb it or quiet it. "I don't want to bother anyone. What if they're busy? I don't want them to think I'm needy."
And as far as feeling stoned, I SO know what you're talking about! I go in and out of it. I notice that my response to sugar now is a lot more dramatic, like I really feel the buzz from it when I consume it, whereas before if someone talked about having a "sugar buzz" I would think they were overreacting or just being lame.
Everything is so new now.
M
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"I answer to two people, myself and God... and I don't give a s#*% what anyone else thinks of me."-- Cher
Yes, the two thousand pound telephone, it happens to all of us but we must use it anyhow.
If not my sponsor reminds me that I said I was willing to go to any lengths this includes use of the phone whether I want to or not. Today I enjoy the calls but I did not at first.
My sponsor has the memory of an elephant. LOL
Larry, ---------------------------- Don't wait for people to be friendly, show them how. ~Author Unknown
That brought a big smile.....you said it not me....
When we give up alcohol, as has been mentioned, what I did for those really really really crankypants moments, I had a stash of my favorite candy bars, and when feeling like i was headed there, I had one candy bar. That subject today is somewhat controversial....
and happy to see that you survived the wake, and then had your date. (just a little footnote, if you are in a real dating mode, and it sounds like you are,no matter what) just watch out for any male in AA that might want to "hit" on you, with your newness, they call that the 13th Step, have seen it too many times to count, but just a word of caution, that's all.) Also really good to gravitate to only the woman in the rooms. Ok, this section of the scheduled program is now over....did not mean to come across like a little lecture....sorry if it did.
Just happy to see you here today and sharing your evenings events with us.
You are one of our new little kids in our little family and just want you to know we are here for you, always dear, no matter what!
Have a good time walking your doggie and chatting later on.
Love and Hugs, Toni
-- Edited by Just Toni on Thursday 15th of April 2010 06:12:55 PM
You're doing fine, Whitey. Use your phone. Use this board. Use the candy aisle at the super market (I just DESTROYED a pint of Rocky Road like locusts on a wheat-field). Read. Indulge in 100% selfish and hedonistic non-substance activities. My selfish-time vice? South Park & zombie movies. Oh yeah, and pre-dawn fishing trips that I tell don't tell anyone about!
(just a little footnote, if you are in a real dating mode, and it sounds like you are,no matter what) just watch out for any male in AA that might want to "hit" on you, with your newness, they call that the 13th Step, have seen it too many times to count, but just a word of caution, that's all.) Love and Hugs, Toni
-- Edited by Just Toni on Thursday 15th of April 2010 06:12:55 PM
Hey Toni, I will have you know that my first "group" was comprised of Victoria's Secret super models or ex super models. I was so new to the program and naive! They 13 stepped me over and over. About five years later, I figured out what was going on and I put a stop to it! So its not just the guys that are the "bad guys" here. Tom
-- Edited by turninggrey on Thursday 15th of April 2010 10:16:41 PM
__________________
"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
(just a little footnote, if you are in a real dating mode, and it sounds like you are,no matter what) just watch out for any male in AA that might want to "hit" on you, with your newness, they call that the 13th Step, have seen it too many times to count, but just a word of caution, that's all.)
Just Toni is right on and we have another saying;
"Looking for a relationship in AA is like shopping for a car in a junkyard. "
Larry, --------------- "The quality of your recovery is proportional to the quality of your surrender."
turninggrey wrote: Hey Toni, I will have you know that my first "group" was comprised of Victoria's Secret super models or ex super models. I was so new to the program and naive! They 13 stepped me over and over.
And exactly how was this a problem for you? (Just kidding - predatory behaviour by a 'beautiful person' is no differnt to predatory behaviour by a fugly)
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
I had actually heard about 13th steppers so I have been cautious as hell about that. Thankfully the men have been very respectful. And I am not someone who is quick to jump into bed with people, (and without alcohol, well, good lord it's gonna take awhile...) but I find that weeds out the lame-os pretty quickly.
Hey Toni, I will have you know that my first "group" was comprised of Victoria's Secret super models or ex super models. I was so new to the program and naive! They 13 stepped me over and over.
(that's a wink)