Things have been tough for me recently. When I first came into the program, I was so happy to be sober for the first time ever really that I got through 90 days, 6 months with relative ease. Worked the program & it worked for me. The meetings in & around my hometown (or, where I live now) have a reputation for being a little hard to take. More than one person I know has said that she stopped going to those meetings because... "I don't know what you people think you're doing here, but this is not AA." example: in one meeting all references to a Higher Power have been crossed out from the 12 & 12.
That's beside the point at the moment. Things have been difficult lately because I've sustained a great deal of loss in my life. It started late last year with one of my uncles, then my grandmother, then a friend of mine, then my most beloved uncle/ godfather died very suddenly in January, my best friend's mother succumbed to cancer & then a good friend of mine took her own life a little less than 3 weeks ago. Because of all of those things, which overwhelmed me- consumed me is more like it- I gave myself permission to drink. Maybe once every couple of weeks, and I was still going to my meetings. Over this past weekend I realized I want my sobriety back. I recommitted myself to doing 90 in 90 (which I didn't do the first time around), stop by church twice a day to pray, call my sponsor, call people I know from meetings & change up a few things in my routine so I am not as focused. It's either this or rehab, and if I go to rehab I'll lose my job. Even though "technically" I can't lose my job, I know my industry. I know my client base. I've worked hard for what I have financially & if I go away for 6 weeks there is a real possiblity that I'll come back to less. And yes... I've given myself the "well, if you had cancer you'd go for chemo" talk. Right now I'm going to do everything that AA recommends & see a grief counselor and see if I can get back on my feet. Didn't occur to me that I might need grief counseling... duh...
Anyway, the thing that is tripping me up is the meeting that I thought would be my home group. I can't stand it anymore. I can't go in there and talk about my slips/ relapses. I just can't, there are people in there talking about remodeling the kitchen in their 15 million dollar houses & how that is their problem of the moment and they are praying about not being woken up by workmen before 10 in the morning. That meeting is the only place where I really feel self conscious & as though I am being judged on what I say. Now... that may not be true, but it's how I feel.
My big question is, I found a beginner's meeting that is easy for me to get to instead of that other meeting. I feel like I could go to this beginner's meeting and spill my guts in peace & to be honest- with maybe a little more anonymity. If I switch meetings, is that bad? Is that me running away and being incapable of being honest? Every other meeting I attend is great & I have no problem talking in it- it's just this one Wednesday night meeting where I feel like everything has been so easy for everyone. No one ever slips, no one ever relapses, everyone just grabs on to the AA rope and sails into 10+ years of sobriety, and I guess I can't relate to that.
Maybe I just answered my own question. Mind you this is not me asking whether it's OK not to go to a meeting. That's not even an option. I just feel like maybe I should go where I'm comfortable..
-- Edited by lukin on Wednesday 14th of April 2010 12:21:42 PM
My big question is, I found a beginner's meeting that is easy for me to get to instead of that other meeting. I feel like I could go to this beginner's meeting and spill my guts in peace & to be honest- with maybe a little more anonymity.
If I switch meetings, is that bad? Is that me running away and being incapable of being honest? Every other meeting I attend is great & I have no problem talking in it- it's just this one Wednesday night meeting where I feel like everything has been so easy for everyone. No one ever slips, no one ever relapses, everyone just grabs on to the AA rope and sails into 10+ years of sobriety, and I guess I can't relate to that.
Switching meetings for a valid reason is not bad. What I mean is that I have been to some meetings just as you describe. They seem to talk about everything except alcoholism. I did not go back, if I want to know how to paint the back porch I can get that information at Home Depot. An invalid reason to switch meetings would be when I am hearing something that I need to hear which makes me uncomfortable and I do not want to face.
Beginner meetings are very useful as they frequently concentrate on the basics of the AA program which all of us need to be reminded of from time to time.
Some people do get it right from the start, no slips no relapses, as you say they grab onto the AA rope and sail into 10+ years of sobriety. What you don't see is the storms thier ship encountered along the way. In my humble opinion it is usually those with the lowest bottoms who seem to get it from the start.
Larry, ---------------------------------- "If I don't go to meetings, I don't hear what God wants me to hear!"
Hi Lukin - switching meetings is definitely NOT bad, it's a sign of willingness to go to any lengths to get and stay sober. OK, I know some people will use bad meetings as an excuse to stay drinking, but I don't get that feeling from your post, and I know exactly what you mean about the 'Designer Handbag meetings' which you seem to have found.
I have sat in that meeting, aching in every bone in my body struggling with some deep emotional problem that I couldn't handle, only to hear, 'Don't worry about it, just hand it over' 'and OH by the way I bought this Gucci bag today isn't it just divine'
OK, slight exaggeration, but I do understand where you are coming from. Switch meetings until you find one you DO feel comfortable with, and claim your seat and make it your homegroup, then go around some other meetings and you will find more that suit you, so long as you are still willing, and of course this site, although never a substitute for real AA meetings, has a wealth of experience, strength and hope to share with you, so stick around.
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Serenity is Wanting what you have, not having what you want
Always remember non-alcoholic beers are for NON-ALCOHOLICS
Aloha Lukin...Let me pass on to you what an earlier sponsor passed on to me regarding my recovery. "Find and use whatever is available to gain and maintain your recovery." He actually gave me permission to participate in my own recovery making it an inside job and not the responsibility of others or other members. I've been to meetings where the ESH was full filling and awesome and meetings where just one little bit of ESH was the best I could get and then I've been to meetings where sitting and listening to the end was a practice of "any lengths" as Avril mentioned. "If you keep an open mind you will find help" was my first direction and promise when I got into recovery thru the rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups. I have that condition and promised tattooed upon my spirit. "Let nothing stand in the way of your sobriety...for that you are responsible."
I would do exactly what these fine people have all said: go where you feel most comfortable. It's your recovery, it's your program. I suppose, if you really felt the need to, you could go to your old home group one more time and share about why you feel that, for the sake of your recovery, you no longer feel like that meeting is appropriate for you right now.... if you really feel the burning desire to be honest with them about it.
Bottom line is giving yourself what you need to stay sober!
Good luck to you...
M
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"I answer to two people, myself and God... and I don't give a s#*% what anyone else thinks of me."-- Cher
I don't "get" the permission seeking. Sobriety is life or death for me, and I'll do what it takes to maintain it, to the extent that anything I do or don't do can affect such a powerful disease. I also don't need to visit a church to pray...I can pray anywhere, anytime, or go to this meeting vs. that meeting...I just need to be sure it's a "true" AA meeting---these days SOME meetings really ARE crap, using the name & steps of AA but in a distorted, derivative way that is not conducive to a program of recovery. We don't like to go so far as to say that, but I'm not into playing the Emperor's new clothes...if he's naked, he's naked and I'm going to say so. The text doesn't say "Goddess of our understanding" or suggest that we should just eliminate the words we don't like-and what they mean. We may be free to so so, but that ain't AA!!
Requiring certain meetings, places to pray etc. as part of my daily reprieve and my daily use of tools for sobriety can be just building in subtle obstacles...so when something doesn't work with them, I have set myself up to end up at loose ends...not a good place to be. So I don't put that stuff into my program in the first place...I keep it flexible, portable, and make sure I go where I need to go to get the best quality from "my" AA--the heck with what some other fools might do/say/think.
Even today's cultural norms, like "90-in-90" and "get a sponsor", were not part of the AA program as originally put forth. May be great tools, may help a lot, but there is no need to shame-blame your self if you don't choose to do it that way and other people use that to take your inventory. Maybe spend some time reading the original AA literature---tons of wisdom there, and you can trust the source!
-- Edited by leeu on Thursday 15th of April 2010 08:24:28 AM
If you feel unsafe(as opposed to uncomfortable), are personally attacked or the traditions are clearly not being followed consistently(check in with sponsor on this one) find other meetings. Go to both for a while and see what happens.
Today I went to a meeting that I refused to go to in early sobriety. It was fine and I got something out of it. My sponsor and I had a laugh about that one. It did help me realize I have chosen to stick with the meetings my gut told me I was getting the message in, whether or not I was always uncomfortable or not.
This could all change. Meetings are autonomous and they evolve and hopefully grow. I'm grateful for a choice and the ability to connect with a sober fellowship.
