Tomorrow morning I go in work to talk to my manager about the incident last night. The incident is that I was drinking at work (I work the graveyard shift at a shell station so no manager present) and I passed out. A customer called an ambulance because I was unresponsive. When I came to the place was surrounded by cop cars and an EMT was trying to get me into the ambulance, I refused the ride bc it would have costed me a ton of money, which it probably still will bc they took down all my information. As you may have guessed this is not an isolated incident but a pattern of behavior that goes back to when I first got drunk during Mardi Gras 2006 (I live in new orleans) at age 18, a very late bloomer for a nola resident. In these 4 years I've managed to really make a mess of things. I had a full scholarship to Loyola here in new orleans but thats long gone (in fact i actually got a letter from the dean of residential life saying I couldnt attend the university anymore unless I got treatment for alcohol abuse)
So that brings me to today. I went to a meeting today, got a chip. No big deal though because I could probably tile a roof with all the desire chips I've picked up. But on those other occasions, while i really wanted to stop drinking, i didnt want to do what is necessary. i still wanted to hang around all my friends who drink and use drugs on a daily basis. but this time I'm glad to say I did two things that I've never done. I asked a guy to sponsor me who had spoken at the meeting, and I myself actually spoke ( this is an indicator of how desperate I've become considering my social anxiety and especially my fear of public speaking)
So that brings me to now. Its about 11 30 and as I've mentioned I have to go talk to my manager at the shell to see if I even have a job anymore. I had a bad habit of helping myself to the beer without paying for it, so hopefully I dont have any legal bs to deal with but thats a possibility. I have a pit of tension in my stomach, not only about my meeting but about this whole way of life. I'm trying to become convinced that I can enjoy life without the booze. I know in an intellectual sort of way, but theres something deep down in my alcoholic mind that whispers 'you'll never be happy without booze, you need it to make friends, to break the ice, to feel cool etc. I'm glad that I'm at least to the point where I can take a detached view of some of the stuff my mind comes up with to justify the actions that are more and more making cannonfodder of my life. Even just typing it out here, it looks so absurd.
Well thats where I am, I have less than 24 hours, and even though I'm standing at the turning point as they say, full of fear and anxiety about the future, I feel at a deep level that I'm doing the right thing for once.
Thanks to all you in cyberspace who take some time to read the ramblings of a 22 year old newly minted recovering member of AA.
Go to some meetings and listen to others share about there alcoholism and how there living without drinking in there lives, theres much to learn so get going ASAP and welcome to AA this is agood life compared to what your going to go through if you keep drinking, you can raise the bottom, get the big book start reading go to meetings get a sponsor just take a few simple suggestions, give it a try all you have to lose are years of misery if you don't....
-- Edited by bigv on Wednesday 14th of April 2010 01:54:15 AM
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And God said to me "I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger" , Uh yeah I got sober LOL....
Thanks bigv for covering all the bases. Nola, you are going to hear the same suggestions over and over. If you chose to ignore them, you are progressively going to get worse until you reach a point where it becomes impossible to recover. Please take AA seriously. You are in the grips of a very serious disease and unless you understand it, do what the steps of AA suggest,the insanity of drinking will return over and over again. You might lose your job, but do not lose your life. You might lose whatever else you stand to lose, but do not lose your sanity. God Bless, Gonee.
Welcome...later on, you will realize it is a blessing you got here earlier rather than later. Life for us is better without alcohol...Alcohol only stops you from being all you are meant to be. You would be graduated from college by now if not for it and you probably can and will go back without it...many many things can and will happen if alcohol isn't wrecking and running your life. Have hope and try and have faith!
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
This CAN be your bottom, which is such a blessing. If you lose your job, no biggie.... you can always get another one of those. If you continue to drink, you stand to lose so much more than that...
It doesn't have to get any worse than this. Go to LOTS of meetings, more than one a day if you can swing it. Reach out, raise your hand and announce that you need help. Get lots of phone numbers.
You can live without the stress that alcohol causes, for sure. Alcohol lies to us!
I wish you the best. Keep us posted.
Michael
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"I answer to two people, myself and God... and I don't give a s#*% what anyone else thinks of me."-- Cher
Update: By some miracle, I didn't lose my job. They said this is my last chance, charged me 50 bucks for all the beer I drank (thats a deal because I know I've drank more than that) and a 3 day suspension (which is actually kind of like a holiday). so this is the best possible outcome at this juncture. I'm still uncomfortable with the prospect of never drinking but I do feel it might be doable. I didn't sleep last night so I'm about to pass out, but I'll definitely try to get a meeting in sometime this afternoon.
Don't think about never drinking again. Way too overwhelming. I'm only three days in and I just can't think about the whole never thing. Three days off sounds risky to me though. Too much time on your hands. Go to as many meetings as you can. There's no rule that you can only go to one a day.
Well, you sure got some good suggestions from bigV and the others, without real-time AA meetings you WON'T want to stay sober, that's why AA exists all across the world, cos people like us need to meet and talk to people like us - and people who don't go to AA meetings never get to know what happens to people that don't go to AA meetings.
I cannot speak for anyone else, but I sure as hell identify with you, and I came very close to losing my job, I lost 2 homes, 2 husbands and went bankrupt. Like you, I was summoned to a disciplinary hearing when I was employed, and I was given a six month suspension from work pending an investigation into allegations made about me (all of which were true) but somehow or another my union rep saved my neck and told the management that THEY should be on a suspension for gross mismanagement!!!
Tonmorrow is my 56th birthday, and almost 20 years ago I was 'dead' for a couple of minutes after an overdose. My heart stopped and I was resuscitated and in ICU hooked up to heart machines, drips and suction etc. etc. (I have also had 2 heart attacks in sobriety, most likely due to this episode)
God willing July 11th 2010 I will celebrate my 20th year of sobriety, and I still regularly do 2 meetings a week and lots of service, and believe me,m if you do what ius suggested, there will come a day when you will ask yourself. 'Hell, how on earth did I ever find the time to drink?'
I am going out for a meal tomorrow evening with my 2 lovely daughters and their partners and kids (my 3 beautiful grandkids aged between 3 and five) and I feel so blessed, I put those 2 girls through a hell on earth as a drunken mother, but AA gave me the tools to live without alcohol, and now I am a much loved mum and nannan, which still brings a lump to my throat and tears to my eyes, gratitude does that to me, and if I was to die tonight in my sleep I can tell you I will die happy AND sober - BUT I wanna live forever!!! Life is beyond my wildest dreams - full of problemss, but also thanx to AA and the 12-step programme my life is also full of the solution.
To hear someone say they were a 'grateful recovering alcoholic' used to make me want to send for the little men in white coats - but I am so glad I stuck around long enough for the miracle to happen. I am a grateful recovering alcoholic today, grateful to be alive, grateful to be sober, grateful to be able to love and be loved, and with friends who love and understand me all over the world.
Come June 21st my partner and I will celebrate 10 years together, and we met on an AA related site very similar to this one, he lived in Belgium, I live in UK, and again, God willing, after end of July, we will live together here permanently, when he leaves his employment.
Don't leave five minutes before the miracle happens for you. You deserve to live sober. Because you're worth it.
-- Edited by Avril G on Wednesday 14th of April 2010 04:18:37 PM
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Serenity is Wanting what you have, not having what you want
Always remember non-alcoholic beers are for NON-ALCOHOLICS
Don't think about never drinking again. Way too overwhelming. I'm only three days in and I just can't think about the whole never thing. Three days off sounds risky to me though. Too much time on your hands. Go to as many meetings as you can. There's no rule that you can only go to one a day.
You know what?? I LOVE IT when newcomers reach out to other newcomers, that feeling of being and belonging shows in your post. Keep on keeping on, together we can make it.
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Serenity is Wanting what you have, not having what you want
Always remember non-alcoholic beers are for NON-ALCOHOLICS
Aloha Nola...Your post brings back memories of how it was for me and the stuff I had to learned in order to get "I am powerless of alcohol and my life had become unmanagable" from my head to my heart where I could fully grasp it and admit to it. I had to eventually do a written assessment on my drinking behavior and that idea and why I was eventually at the doorstep of AA. Blackouts Toxic shocks and then continued drinking. Judges and others "letting me off" drawing the line in the sand farther and farther away from the last one which didn't cause me to seek help and then sobriety but to use the margin to support my denial that "I am really alcoholic and my crappy life is the consequence of my drinking. You got off and you got off light...I would use it to believe I was not alcoholic. I too gave up and lost many life benefits or "gimmees" because I of my drinking attiitude.
I learned to be more fearful of drinking than any boss or crises I would have to face next. I blew off so many people in positions of authority that I just could not count high enough at the incidents my pride and ego mixed with alcohol had passed up. If I didn't not get sober it will get worse just not yet because of the program.
Your tomorrow has come and gone...you still have your job and you got off light on the financial aspects of drinking their booze. That is a continuation of the past only...been there and done that before by admission. Pretty well admits to powerlessness and unmanagability and still for me I continued on until I could no longer muster anything but sitting down, listening with an open mind and staying away from everything and anything that had something to do with alcohol. I'd suggest keeping your sponsors phone number right in front of you while you are at work...alone with Nola Alex...at night and with the keys to the beer refer. Save your life first and then get sober.
Thanks for the memory lane visit. In support. Keep coming back.
Wow, a three-day suspension.... sounds like an opportunity to get to LOTS of meetings! Shoot for three a day, arrive early and stay late..... and before you know it, those three days will be done, done and done!
I'm glad you didn't lose your job.
M
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"I answer to two people, myself and God... and I don't give a s#*% what anyone else thinks of me."-- Cher
So, Alex, I'm guessing you're back at work again after the suspension? Hope you made it sober, stick around, not just here but in reall AA meetings, and the days will become more enjoyable sober.
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Serenity is Wanting what you have, not having what you want
Always remember non-alcoholic beers are for NON-ALCOHOLICS
