I know how hard it is, Toni. My late husband relapsed with drugs off and on during our marriage and my youngest daughter, too. I have brothers and sisters, too, who haven't gotten into recovery in the first place. It's really hard to see people you love and care about going back out. The younger ones I could see might not have hit their bottoms yet, but my husband had gone even lower than me and he still couldn't get it and stay clean and sober. I had to just accept the fact that our disease is so cunning, baffling and powerful that a good many of us don't make it. The members of my family have been the hardest ones for me to "let go and let God".

I also learned that the more I meddled and even the more I gave "subtle hints", the worse it could be. It's really hard for me to just keep "hands off". You might have seen me say that my youngest daughter now has hep C, A strain, and she's not using drugs anymore but she does drink. I'm her controlling Mom, for heaven's sake! Boy, is that ever a hard one.

But I find that the best remedy for me isn't to let myself just stew about it. I can---and definitely should---pray about it. But the other really best thing for me is to go find someone who is still suffering that I can reach out to who really does want sobriety. Newcomers meetings are good for putting me in touch with those people. That gets me out of my head and into action that's positive. I have to remind myself that it's not a simple matter of deciding we want to stop drinking, just putting the cork in it and then going to AA or NA. It's not that simple. If I think it's that simple for me or anyone else, then I'm thinking it's possible to control the disease. When I kid myself it's that simple to have control over my disease or anyone else's, I'm headed for a fall. We do tell newcomers to do those things and they are very important things to do to get into sobriety and stay there, but my frustration seems always to be, "Well, I did it and it worked for me. Why can't they just do that?"

I have to remind myself that all I can do is plant the seed. I may never know whether the seed grows and flourishes in someone else or not. It may be in the plan for other people to do the tending and helping that seed to grow, not me. I may not even live long enough to ever see the results for all I know. You've planted the seeds, so now you have to just trust God with the results and go out and plant some more seeds. Hugs for you, Toni.

By the way, I didn't realize you had had an earthquake down there today. It sure seems like the world is doing a lot of moving around lately, doesn't it? I'll have to go find the news and see what's happening.

Toni,

I do not know why God allows some of us to get the program while others go back out.

I do feel that until I had hit my bottom staying sober with or without AA would not have been possible for me.   Perhaps your friend has not reached her bottom yet.
Remember the serenity prayer the only thing we can change is ourselves. I can't
get anyone sober or drunk.

I can carry the message and be the type of person that a still suffering Alcoholic
might find hope in.  Thats all I can do.  I do that by not drinking, attending meetings, getting a sponsor, and working the 12 steps.

I am not your sponsor but if I were,  I would suggest doing another grattitude list.
I have found that when I have an attitude of grattitude I have no room for fear, anger, resentments, poor me or any of the numerous things that stinking thinking
brings about.  

You will be in my prayers

Larry,
-----------------------------
When we were children we were grateful to those who filled our stockings at Christmas time.  Why are we not grateful to God for filling our stockings with legs?  ~G.K. Chesterton

Heya Toni,

I have to say I have "been there, done that, got the Tshirt"

The biggest was my sister, the 25 year saga of her disappearances where we thought she was dead, she reappears, she gets sober, she relapses, she gets sober, she runs off to mexico and gets married to a man she married in prison and did heroin with and gets pregnant, has a baby and then relapses....it goes on and on.

My experience matches that of Ellen exactly, except I am the "big brother" instead of the mother

It can be heartbreaking, and the truth is, there is nothing I can say except I have gone through it too, and it hurts, and at the end of the day, the truth is the people in AA became my family and what we have is each other, sometimes that's all that gets me through difficult stuff is all of you people I met in AA.

I do gratitude lists, I do everything right, I go to meetings, I turn it over, I let go and let God, I plug it into the steps, I see my part, I do everything right and still want to die inside, and it's the simple loving voice of an AA friend that soothes me and makes it "OK", not because they have the answer, but because they have experienced that very pain and suffering shared is suffering halved.

At the end of the day what we have is each other, and that has proven for me, to be enough.

You know it's funny, I still remember the very first really big speaker meeting I ever went to, the guy came out and said,

"My name is Adam, and I am an alcoholic, and I don't have to like you people. As a matter of fact, I probably don't like most of you people.

But I have to love you, and I have to answer the phone."

That statement resonated with me to the very core of my being when I heard it, initially because this guy had the huevos to stand in front of 600 people and tell us he didn't like us and we cheered him for it, but as the years pass, it comes to mean more and more to me, it, to me, embodies the program

I am sorry for your pain and know how you feel, I wish I had something wise to say, but all I have to offer you is understanding, compassion and love. I wish it was more.

Nobody ever relapses to help others, though I do agree that hearing how crappy it is for those that do does keep me from wanting to do it myself. People relapse because they forget or stop caring about being sober. After attending AA for any length of time, I can't figure how anybody could view relapse as anything but a very selfish act. Nobody should fool themselves into thinking a relapse does others good...it really doesn't. We have all gotten to know we are better people sober...We see how our peers in AA heal when they don't drink. Relapse is simple self-sabotage and it also hurts others...

Granted, I really empathize with anyone that does relapse and I know I am vulnerable (extremely vulnerable) to it like we all are if we don't stay vigilant. I stick out my hand to anyone that relapses, as long as they get back in the program fast and make their best effort...Otherwise, I stay away cuz usually the person is just full of excuses and they don't really want to be sober and are not good for me to be around and not good for my recovery (that is the only time where the "it's a selfish program" quote applies for me). Sorry you are going through this with your friend Toni. Prayers...

Hi All,

This Board is Amazing, or rather the responses I received were, they were taken in like a soothing sauve. and today, I did it,
Completely and Unconditionally Let go and let God!!!!!!

Was thinking this am when rising, that Letting go and Letting God, is not really an option. 

As someone pointed out, we are ALL just one bad Decision away from returning to a life of sheer hell......

Vigilence! Always. How can we help another if we are not taking very good care of our own Soberiety ??? food for thought for yours truly....

Thank you all for you heartfelt compassion. I breathed in every word, and the healing began...

Toni 

-- Edited by Just Toni on Monday 5th of April 2010 08:08:00 PM