I have been going to meetings and have been sober for approx 2 and 1/2 months. I have chosen to share this with a few members of my family, but have mostly been quiet. I know this is out of my personal shame and fear of judgement from others. I found out tonight on my way back from a meeting that my husband had told his mother. It has surprised me how upset I feel now. For many years I have heard his mother be very free in talking about others in the family that go to meetings or are in AA that she knows about. I believe at this point that this should be kept private unless I decide to share. Am I being unfair to feel this way? Should I feel stronger and not let this bother me? I would very much appreciate everyone's thoughts.
I am very new to AA so I'm unsure about the violation of anonymity, but I can relate to how you feel about telling others. My husband is the only person I've told and plan to tell at this point. I am sharing with people that I'm not drinking, but I haven't said that I'm actually going to meetings. Right now it's very personal for me and I may share someday, but on my own terms.
Re: your mother in law, can you ask her not to say anything?
I was told that if actions caused by my drinking caused harm to a close family member they had every right to share it with other family members. I felt like you did until I discovered that almost everyone already knew I had a serious drinking problem. Not only that, but for me, the more people that know, the more I have to show that I'm truly trying to stay sober, and that makes me work the program that much harder. Today I'm proud of the fact that I'm a recovering alcoholic. There are much worse diseases out there, and I was blessed with one that makes me a better person when I'm treating it. I would suggest you talk to your sponsor and pray about it. I've come to believe that for me, these sorts of things just have a way of working themselves out. Good luck and God bless... Brian
Reffner wrote:I've come to believe that for me, these sorts of things just have a way of working themselves out.
Good luck and God bless... Brian
Exactly
Anonymity really doesn't mean we don't tell family members, and it doesn't mean we don't get "outed", as it was said before, it applies at the level of press, radio, and film, later on it become the spiritual foundation of everything we do, everything we stand for, but that's best saved for later.
I went through the same thing, as time went on it became a non issue
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Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a night, light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
Hey Blue...congradulations on the 2.1/2 months!! YAY!! Don't let anything let you stumble in your progress. I found out that there is absolutely nothing out there that is justification for a drink any other destructive reaction. Reffner has some pretty sound feedback on the issue and it was very similar to some of the suggestion I got early on. If the people who have the information are known blabbers you pretty much are leaving the outcome to HP and continuing on with your recovery. Any resentments or fears reread Ref's suggestion about sponsor and prayer. Pray for forgiveness and the ability to forgive others while at the same time the courage to continue changing the things you can.
Everyone knew I was an alcoholic. I was actually the last one to know that. So telling people I was was kind of an anticlimactic thing. I was glad to have people close to me know that I was finally admitting it and doing something about it.
As others have said, anonymity at the level of press, radio and film is the issue. News reporters, film companies and radio entities couldn't have cared less to ask me what was going on unless I had a hit-and-run accident or something. By the grace of God, I didn't do anything to get my drunken face on the front page while I was drinking and therefore press, radio and film wasn't a factor for me.
Congratulations to you and your Higher Power on the 2 months! Don't forget that resentments are the great killer of us alcoholics, so don't hang onto a resentment about this. It isn't worth it. You don't want to have to drink about it, do you? Just let it go and get on with sobriety.
Congrats on two months! I'm right there with Ellen on letting the resentment go. Done is done and ya can't put the sh*t back in the donkey. Tell your HP that you're willing to accept things you can't change...like other people's communications.
A Member outing another Member to a Civilian IS a violation. (Americans no longer keel-haul Members for it but The British & Irish do. Americans have opted for waterboarding instead) A Civilian outing a Member to another Civilian (or to another Member) isn't. We can't control other people's behavior any more than we can control the weather.
I'm not sure if your husband is in the program or not, from what you said. If he isn't, then the point is moot as far as following AA traditions goes - not that it makes it ok for him to tell his mother. He obviously should have asked you first, and you should let him know that you would have preferred to be asked. If he is in the program, he clearly made a mistake because most meetings end with the admonition, "Who you see here, what you hear here, when you leave here, let it stay here." But try not to let a resentment build up over this because resentments can cause us to drink. Tell him how you feel, then forgive him because he is human and humans make mistakes.
Beyond that, it's important for you to get over this feeling of shame as quickly as possible. None of us decided, "I think I'd like to become an alcoholic." It just happened for each of us, and we are united in believing that we suffer from a disease - an obsession of the mind and an allergy of the body. The longer you remain in the program, the less of an issue this will be for you and you will gradually lose your fear of being judged and your shame over the condition. For me personally, I don't go around advertising the fact that I'm an alcoholic, but I don't mind it being known anymore either. For all I know, the fact that people know I'm an alcoholic who has recovered may someday cause someone to steer a still-suffering alcoholic my way whom I may be able to help. And that's the name of the game for us.
-- Edited by FlyingSquirrel on Saturday 3rd of April 2010 06:30:52 AM
That's how we end a lot of meetings here, too: "Who you see here, what you hear here, when you leave here, let it stay here." But that's for the meetings. If he didn't go to a meeting, then he didn't hear that part.
Just tell him nicely that you'd rather he left it to you to spread the word yourself in the future. But have you thought about this? That man loves you and is probably so proud of you for seeking help that he wanted to share it with his mother. I'd thank my lucky stars if I were you that you've still got a husband and that he's still loving you and now he's proud of you. A lot of us weren't so lucky. I imagine he was pretty humiliated when you were drinking and didn't want to have anyone know about that.
I ended up having a big blow-up with my Mom--she had been trying to hide it from various family and close friends of the family for years. But what she did not know about is that over the years some found out anyhow.
Most were from casual conversations or at a gathering--like I ran into one couple that they knew while crossing a parking lot to catch the bus--I was kind of in a hurry but stopped to say Hi, they were in chat mode but I had to cut it short--they asked why i was taking a bus and I told them.
Then at a family gathering--I was declining drinks and finally had to say why. My first Christmas Sober, my Aunt kept pushing her famous grasshoppers on me and I kept saying No, finally I had to go into the kitchen and tell her.
The only problem I see with a/about another family member talking about the not drinking or the problem thereof should make sure the story and circumstances are correct before saying anything.
Otherwise the normal rules, of press, radio, film and in some cases job positions should remain anonymous so as not to harm yourself or others.
I had a little nervousness after a meeting today. I noticed one of the other people attending the meeting had the same employee parking tag as I did. I didn't recognize the person and don't know if they would recognize me. I don't know if they would have seen the parking tag in my car either. I since have decided I should take the tag down when I'm not at work.
In any event I decided not to worry about it. I'm sure she like me will keep everything within the rooms of AA. I don't know that I really care all that much anyway. I want to stay sober and don't feel any shame in doing something about it by attending AA meetings.
This is just me but after many years of family functions the part about me being an alcoholic wasn't a secret, I didn't ever mind getting completely picklefaced at family functions although I thought I was being pretty slick about it, once I got sober though I noticed it's easy to spot drunk people.
I was very secretive about my sobriety early on though too and totally misunderstood the anonymity part, which was people at meetings weren't supposed to "out" me, but the truth was everyone in my family and all my friends knew I liked my drink, truth was they all knew I was an alcoholic years before I did.
When I got sober my girlfriend had thrown me out, I went on a week long bender and then sobered up. Shortly thereafter I called my dad and told him Margo had left me, (literally the love of my life) and that as a result I had gotten sober
He said in what I thought was this totally heartbroken voice,:
"Oh son........oh son...........you'd better get down here right now"
WHAT WHAT WHAT????? I replied he sounded SO disappointed
He said, and I will never forget this, "I have been waiting for this phone call for 15 years"
I was 27
He was crying, because he was so happy
anyone who ever truly cared for me was very very happy I got sober. My "little problem" was never a secret, I still don't understand why I was so ashamed when I got sober, it's like it's socially acceptable to get completely smashed but we carry this secret shame and stigma early on for getting healthy.
healthy is good
still having a husband is good
not drinking is good
having a husband who cares enough about you to tell his mom his got sober is good.
hiding and pretending there is no elephant in the living room is bad and makes everybody very very sick, and is one of the reasons they call alcoholism a family disease, having everyone hide it and cover up for the alcoholic makes everybody very very sick. Alcoholism is like mushrooms, it likes to be kept in the dark and fed sh*t, it flourishes under those conditions, it withers away under truth and throwing some light on it, since addiction is based on lies, lies we tell to ourselves and others, it flourishes and grows stronger while we and everyone around us get sicker and sicker, the more lies we tell ourselves and others.
I am sorry you got your feelings hurt, but getting sober and getting help is good, sometimes it hurts when we pull the band aid off an infected area though.
-- Edited by AGO on Saturday 3rd of April 2010 09:20:11 PM
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Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a night, light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
Personally I feel if you didn't want the family to know then your husband should have respected your wishes. But, did you tell him personally beforehand not to tell anyone especially his mother? If he didn't know you didn't want her to know then how can he be held responsible? It's done...forgive him & move forward & don't let it determine your AA membership, etc. If you haven't already maybe sit down & explain to him you'd rather be the one to mention or not mention anything about your AA membership to anyone & ask him in the future to please respect that. Others outside the program doesn't understand what the traditions means. The anonymoty is within the AA program & unless he's also a member of the program then he's not bound by the traditions. Basically what's said inside an AA meeting should stay there & is not to be discussed amongst others. I shouldn't even come home & tell my friends or family that Tom, Dick or Jane (from AA) said such & such at a meeting or even acknowledge that's where I know you from, etc. At least I don't "out" people I know publically from AA. Congratulations on your sobriety!!!
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Rheinhold Niebuhr
IMHO the anonymity statement is aimed at members in meetings, not other people outside the rooms who we choose to tell, unless we make them take the oath of silence. The biggest and proudest breaker of MY anonymity is my dear old father aged 90 this year. Quite early in my recovery, he wanted to go visit his aunt and neice in a nearby town, so I agreed to take him to see them, knowing that there was an afternoon meeting I'd like to go to.
I told dad that I would just say I was going to pop out to meet a friend nearby, to avoid any awkward questions, but when it came time yo go, I said I was popping out for an hour or so, and dad said, She's going to her AA meeting, she hasn't had a drink for over a year now' and it was said with such pride, I felt quite emotional. In sobriety, I have done too much service in public information to be anonymous anymore, I often get kids stopping to talk to me in town, cos they remember me talking to then in school, which is great, if they remember me NOW, they will remember me IF they ever need help.
Am still on daughter's computer, hopefully not for much longer, but just dropped in to say HELLO and HAPPY EASTER whilst I am child-minding my two eldest rugrats (Grandkids) who are higher than a kite after all the easter eggs they've scoffed today. I'll not get them to bed before midnight, which will probably still be before mum and dad get home!!
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Serenity is Wanting what you have, not having what you want
Always remember non-alcoholic beers are for NON-ALCOHOLICS
I found that I didn't remember the facts as clearly as the members of my family did. My memory got all fuzzy when I drank and I also had blackouts. I also had a personality change when I drank. When people would tell me what I had said or done in a blackout, I didn't believe them. I'd get mad and argue with them that what they said I had done, I'd never do in a million years because it was so out of character for me. I didn't even believe I had had a blackout. But then one day I was standing at the sink doing the dishes and all of a sudden, a little memory flashed back to me of something they said I'd done in a blackout so then I realized I really was having blackouts.
Anyway, it's possible that that might explain why your mom remembers things differently. And then, too, if you weren't honest with her and were trying to hide your drinking from her, how could she possibly have all the facts straight?
