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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Alcoholics Anonymous -> Alcoholics Anonymous -> How did you deal with the embarrassing things you did?
Post Info TOPIC: How did you deal with the embarrassing things you did?
Jundrewia


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How did you deal with the embarrassing things you did?
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I am in my first week of sobriety. This finally came about from a very bad, and very embarrassing night on Saturday. I've had many, but this time I could have hurt a friend of mine because of my actions. I've since apologized to her and asked for her forgiveness. She has been amazing. She's forgiven me, been non-judgmental about the whole thing, and said she's happy that we're friends.

What I can't get out of my head is how embarrassed I am. I blacked out and not knowing what I said or did is beyond embarrassing. I don't want to leave my house. I don't want to see people. I don't want to talk on the phone. I just have this horrible feeling in my gut.

How have other people gotten over the embarrassment of things they did while drunk?

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AGO


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Hi, at the risk of sounding like a broken record, by going to meetings and working the steps, one of which is confession of sorts, but what it really is figuring out where I went wrong,  another is restitution, with the guidance of another human being that has experience with exactly what I am doing am able to set things right.

We do this with amends, which is to set the matter right as opposed to apologize, which is a formal defense, people are usually sick to death of our apologies by the time we got here, so we are shown how to actually set things right in a step by step process.

For example a number of amends I make are "living amends" and I do that by being sober and being a good man, a good friend to my friends, and a good man, to my best gal, and I have step by step instructions how to do that daily as well.

The amends step has some things we call "the promises" that I have never seen not come true for anyone who has reached and done this step

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the world serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

 

If these things sound like something you might want, like comprehending serenity, and not regretting the past, we have found the steps are a good way to achieve them.

 

For a great example of a sober life in action, read Rob's post here:

 

http://aa.activeboard.com/forum.spark?aBID=42735&p=3&topicID=34984754



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Ellen E


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I found that the longer I kept drinking, the more things I did both in blackouts and out, that were humiliating, embarrassing, and in some cases, actually unforgivable because the people weren't around anymore to make amends to by the time I got sober. Some of the people died before I got sober and I'll never be able to make amends to them in person.

When I first got sober, if I'd been told I had to make amends to these people right away to be in AA, I'd have kept right on drinking and never gotten sober. They didn't require me to do that right away, though. They just told me not to drink, to come to meetings, and listen, get phone numbers and call someone before I took a drink. After awhile they gave me the job of making coffee before the meetings. Simple stuff. I wasn't ready for anything else right then. If I had gone out trying to make amends at that time, I couldn't have done it properly and with the right results anyway. I'd have been doing it to get my own embarrassment out of the way, not to truly make amends to them, and I wouldn't have stayed sober. As soon as I was forgiven and told "that's okay" then I'd have gone out, gotten drunk, and done something even worse eventually till finally they wouldn't have me in their life anymore at all.

When I was drinking, of course I always apologized for making an ass of myself right away. At first people believed me and forgave me. In time, though, the longer I drank and did stuff like that, the less they believed me and the harder it was. I lost a whole lot of friends and even some family members that way. My alcoholic mind rationalized that they hadn't been true friends anyway if they'd desert me like that. My kids finally quit believing me and some of them had nothing to do with me for quite a few years after I quit drinking. There are things I've done in blackouts that they still talk about and that I know hurt and humiliated and scared them beyond belief. I was able to make my amends to them eventually, but my deepest regret is that I know I'll never be able to go back and undo what I did to those little kids who never did anything to deserve it----they just loved me and trusted me because I was their Mom.

The way I got over the embarrassment and humiliation was to stop drinking and stay stopped. To learn how to stay stopped drinking, I had to go to meetings. That was the first thing. I couldn't jump across that one and stay sober. So to get started cleaning up the wreckage you've made of things, go to meetings.

Have you been to a meeting yet? Have you called Central Office in the phone book and found out where they are or talked to someone in AA yet about your problem?



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Larry_H


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I used to think thatt I was the only one who did some of these embarrasing and crazy things.   When I started going to AA and listening to others share I found I was not unique.   That awarness helped me a lot in the early days.

I also used to think that I was a bad person because of what I did.  I did not want to be a bad person but I thought that can be the only explaination for my actions.  When I came to AA I learned from others that I was NOT a bad person. I was a SICK person who needed to get well.   That nugget of understanding helped a lot with my feelings of guilt.

Slowly but surely by attending AA, by listening to others and by looking for similarities, not differences and by not drinking things began to get better in my life. I was then able with guidance to start working the AA program.

It worked for me, it worked for my AA friends and it will work for you.   You are no longer alone in this, you have thousands of friends you have not met yet and we do care.

Larry,
----------------------
When I talk with a newcomer to AA,
my past looks me straight in the face. . .

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Jundrewia


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Wow, thank you all for your comments. I was feeling really good about myself today and then my husband (in a fight) brought up all the things that happened this weekend and it brought me down to a very bad place. I was very, very depressed. What I decided to do was pick up my computer and go out to a coffee shop. That's where I'm writing from right now.

Reading your posts has made me feel so much better. I'm going to a meeting tonight. I'll keep you posted on my progress.

Thank you again.

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bikerbill


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To learn how to get and stay sober, I went to meetings, learnt to trust people, let people love me for who I am right now, not who I tried to be, got a sponsor and worked the steps.

These steps are in an order for a reason, so tis still best to start at no. 1 with the guidance of a sponsor and work your way through 'em.

As I see it, and this is only my opinion, which is worth exactly what you paid for it (that'll be shag all then)

Steps 1 to 3 helped me to accept that I was an alcoholic, see that I couldn't sort it by myself and lead me to ask for help. with help from my sponsor.

Step 4 thru '9 help me discover what sort of a person I am, deal with that, admit who I hurt and how and lead me to make restitution, with help and guidance of my sponsor. This also allowed me to learn from my mistakes and to not be embarrassed or guilty about it.

Step 10 to 12 help me maintain sobriety and live a good life on a daily basis. My sponsor also guided me through these steps.

See the common threads here. Meetings, steps, sponsor.



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Jundrewia


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Went to a meeting tonight and going to one in the morning. Going to bed feeling good.

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Ellen E


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Wow! Congratulations and good for you! I'm so proud of you!

How did you like it? I take it you liked it alright since you're going to bed feeling good. I'm so very glad you went!



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Aquaman


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Oy. I did LOTS of shameful things when drinking; cheating on girlfriends, verbally abusing my kids, stealing, brawling, belittling others, etc.... (Instant A$$hole...Just Add Alcohol)

And I'm not the only drunk who did. The AA fellowship showed me that no matter how nasty we used to be, we can change.

BUT...as I worked the steps with trust in God, the program, the AA fellowship and my sponsor peace & acceptance of myself came to me.

(We will neither egret the past nor wish to close the door on it...sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly...if we work for them.)

Key phrase that got me through is in The Lord's Prayer...
"Forgive us our trespasses...AS...we forgive those who trespass against us."

Somewhere between steps 4 & 9 you'll "clean house" and learn to turn your 7 Deadly Sins into 7 Holy Virtues. One...Day...At...A...Time.

You're on the right track. Good Job!

Peace,
Rob


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Jundrewia


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I liked the meeting. Everyone was very nice. When it was my turn to share I started crying. I felt like such an idiot but everyone made me feel ok about it. I got about 12 numbers of people to call if I needed to. It's amazing that people will just give so much of themselves to a perfect stranger. When I left I cried again, but it was a good thing. Almost a release of sorts.

I feel blessed to be going to bed sober and waking up sober. Looking forward to day 5!

I can't say thank you enough to everyone for your support and I hope as I continue this process that I can return the support to others beginning their new life of sobriety.

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soberdrunk


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I've seen lots of people cry in meetings. And you know what? I've never seen anyone laugh about it. Know why? Because it's not funny. Coming into A.A. we are pretty banged up and it is serious as life and death. I can't tell you how many embarassing things I've done drunk. I've done a bunch sober though. It's better doing them sober because we can look back and laugh about it at some point!! You are not alone!

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Justin S.
Ellen E


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Not wanting people to see me cry was partly why I drank. Now I can cry sober and it's okay. Heck, I oughta wear a roll of toilet paper on a string around my neck and make it a fashion accessory because I get sniffly over all kinds of stuff now. :D You just go right ahead and cry. It's good for the soul and not a one of us hasn't done it.

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LastOneLeft


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I can relate... I dont speak at much at meetings yet because I know I'll fall apart as soon as I start talking about all the bad crap I've done.So I ususally just say "I can Relate".
I think all alcoholics have an endless list of embarassing things We've done drunk.I still have alot of guilt.The Meetings really really helped me put things in perspective.
as for the smoking, good luck.Im still working on that too.
Hang in there

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SUSIE


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All I can say is Awwwww.....I love to hear how people feel in the start of thier recovery! So excited for them to see how wonderful it feels to be a real human being. The tears will cleanse you never apoligize for them. Its your hear thawing.

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Jundrewia


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I made it to another meeting this morning. What a great way to start the day! And I spoke without crying...although I'm not sure that what I said made sense to anyone else. It made sense to me though.

This meeting was specifically for women and was very different from the meeting I went to last night. It was nice. They even gave me a book of daily reflections for women. Looking forward to my next meeting. Not sure when, but I love knowing that I have a place to go for strength.

Day 5 here I come!!!!

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SUSIE


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Awesome!

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Ellen E


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Good for you! I'm glad to hear you made it to another meeting. I'm also glad to see your enthusiasm for sobriety and the AA program.

I've never been to a bad meeting, whether it was a mixed meeting or a women's meeting. Big or small, mixed meeting or not, I always get something out of them that I need to hear just at that time.

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Jundrewia


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Thanks Ellen. It's nice to hear how other people are developing ways to succeed in their sobriety. I know that I have many, many more challenges ahead of me, but with support from the AA community I know I can face them with my strongest self. (Does that even make sense? Oh well, maybe not. I've been writing for about 6 hours now--on depression of all topics--so my brain is a little fried. Hope I can finish this article soon and go out to play some basketball with the family!)

Adios!

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ljc


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I dealt with the embarrassing things I did by working all of the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.

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