I have been reading your forum for many months now off and on. You are very encouraging and kind.
I am an alcoholic. I am a female, 34 years old. I am also a teacher. I have commited to seeking treatment and quit drinking on April 11th. I am a strict schedule/structure oriented person, so this is how I operate. I need a day, a precise time, etc. I need to get ready. I hope you do not think it is inapropriate for me to be posting this right now. If so, please, kindly let me know. Social rules do not come easily to me.
I grew up in a very disfunctional family. Finally, my parents divorced when I was 15. I would go out on the weekends to parties and drink heavily. I was always the drunkest one at the party. This continued into college. I drink every day. I get fall down drunk on the weekends. If I wake up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night I will drink and not wake up until like 10 in the morning. I have a black eye right now from it and I just can't do this anymore.
I am a runner/fitness enthusiast. It seems crazy, I know. But I can drink 10 beers at night and run 6 miles at 5:30 am the next morning. I have been doing this for a long time. I completed a marathon last May in 4 hours and 27 minutes.
I had a DWI 4 years ago. I almost lost my job, but my Superintendent had faith in me and knows I am a good person/teacher. I know I am a good person.
There have been days where I have not drank and I get terrible night sweats and can't sleep. I have anxiety. I am not nice to the people around me. It simply sucks.
I am married and have three dogs that I hold dear to my heart. My husband was out of town on business and I woke up in the morning after drinking a lot realizing I had left them outside all night. They were sitting by the door shivering. It broke my heart and made me sick to my stomach. My husband drinks too, but he is no way near the level I am at. He will not drink when I start recovery.
One of our friends has been through this and he is willing to be my sponser. He was court ordered to go to AA every day after he failed a breathalizer on probation after his drunk driving.
I am just really, really scared. My job stresses me out. I teach fifth grade in a high poverty area. It kills me that some parents behave the way they do. It kills me that I behave the way I do. I think about my drinking problem every single day on the way home from school. There is not a day that goes by that I do not feel guilty.
I feel bad. I am going to need help. I would like to do a 30 day program in a hospital or something, but we can't afford it. I was thinking my first step would be to go see a substance abuse counselor and see what their recommendation is for treatment. It will most likely involve AA, but I refuse to do it here in my small town. I will have to go about an hour away to go to a meeting.
I am making preparations. I am getting ready. I am extremely scared, but I want to be a better person for my students, husband, friends and dogs. I am finally ready.
Well done on making preparations to quit drinking, as part of that preparation can you attend a few AA meetings?
You won't be required to do or say anything, and the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking, so you don't even have to be sober or quit drinking to go.
It is encouraged that you identify yourself as new as soon as you can/are comfortable with it, so we can extend a hand of greeting and help.
I can't tell you the relief that washed over me in my first few meetings being in a roomful of people that understood how I felt. For me it felt like I was coming home to the home I never had, it was that powerful.
The meetings are usually listed in a schedule online, I would recommend a speaker meeting, as they are usually larger and don't require "audience" participation, just a place to go to hear a bit about the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.
You don't have to do this alone, and what we promise is, you never have to drink again, we promise freedom from the bondage of alcoholism, the bondage of "self"
Please, keep coming back, we care very much.
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Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a night, light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
First , please let me suggest that you find yourself a female sponsor and not a male sponsor. You will be able to find a woman in some AA meetings once you start to attend.
It sounds as tho you have everything all planned out as to your stop date and some help for yourself. Good, very good. I hope it all works out for you.
Of course you are scarred, it is perfectly normal to be frightened. I know I was in the beginning when I got sober.
But let me tell ya ... my life sober is so much better today than it ever was when I was drinking and I wouldnt trade it for anything !!!
I can promise you 2 things :
#1. If you stop drinking and get yourself some help to stay stopped, your life is going to improve way beyond what you ever could have imagined it to.
#2. If you dont stop drinking, your life will get worse, guaranteed !!!!
Please Franny, you sound like a good person. Give yourself a chance at getting healthy, so you can be the person you were really put on this earth to be
If you like, email me, we can chat loricrawford63@gmail.com
Hey Franny, glad that you have made the decision to quit drinking. As you already know there is a great deal of knowledge and support to be found in this forum. I hope you keep posting and reporting your progress. As I've been told we all keep each other sober.
I was just re-reading the replies to your message and wanted to state my agreement with a comment AGO made. I think you would find getting to an AA meeting to be very beneficial.
I went to my first one just over a week ago. I went by myself and was quite nervous. That didn't last long. I couldn't have found a more warm and welcoming group of people. I had been feeling a bit of an outcast and lonely prior to that meeting, but came away feeling not at all alone. I also went home with a whole list of phone numbers and a Big Book.
Going to an open speaker meeting like AGO suggests might be a more comfortable option. In any event I don't doubt that getting to a meeting will help you deal with your fears tremendously.
Thank you so much for the responses! You don't know how much they mean to me.
As for going to meetings this week....that is a possibility. I have no meetings scheduled after school and then I am on spring break April 2nd-12th. I am still drinking though. Is it acceptable to go? I respect the program and do not want to offend anyone.
I will be in Montana until April 10th.
I am so scared.
Why do you think it would be bad to have a male sponser? I have known this person for 9 years. I have seen him drunk and now I see him sober. He called me today because my husband told him about my choice and he wants to help me. He truly cares about me. I was just wondering your thinking is all. I am new to this and need help. I can't do it by myself. It is too much.
It is absolutely OK to go while still drinking. If there is anywhere in the world that understands needing to have a few drinks to do something scary it's Alcoholics Anonymous.
It is very very very strongly suggested to get a same sex sponsor, as once we quit drinking our feelings go all over the map, and sometimes sponsor/sponsee relationships between those of the opposite sex get tricky.
This is our overwhelming experience, it started with alcoholic #6 sleeping with alcoholic#7 on our founders examination table and hasn't changed much since.
It's also recommended for a few other reasons, we need to be able to "relate" to our sponsors, and females experience most often matches female experience, also in step 5 we relate ALL of our life history to another human being, it's usually best and more comfortable if that person is of the same sex.
OK, all that being said, I know of women including the one I am dating who started with a male sponsor because there was a lack of qualified female sponsors. In every successful case however, there was a caveat, he was older then God.
My third sponsor was a woman and I found that to be an invaluable year, she was old enough to be my grandmother and had 3 sons older then me at the time and had been sober 25 years, I still refer to things she taught me nearly 2 decades later.
So there are exceptions, but there are pretty strong suggestions to get a female sponsor, and stick with the females especially in the first year. Many newcomer women are frequently uncomfortable with men, and I have been approached many times over the years to sponsor women, and I have always steered them to other women, I have never ever ever not once sponsored a woman and I would do anything for this program, as a sober male I would be doing them an incredible dis-service, and now we get into the realm of opinion, but I don't think any healthy, sober man that was qualified to sponsor would sponsor you until you had exhausted all means possible to find a qualified female sponsor. I wouldn't trust him or his motives. I have seen this a number of times in the years I have been sponsoring, and we call it something different then sponsorship, we call it sexual predation on the vulnerable, and to say that it is frowned upon is an understatement.
-- Edited by AGO on Saturday 27th of March 2010 10:01:13 PM
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Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a night, light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
I get what you are saying. I don't need a sponser. He is a friend near and dear to my heart, but there is also a 24 hour help line if I need it. I am an alcoholc, but very smart.
I'm happy to hear you have decided to go to a meeting next week franny. You will be greatfull you did. I look forward to hearing about your experience.
Welcome to the board. I admire you for taking a job most people will run far away from . Things can be really tough with alcoholism, but the fact that you are will to try is great. I will say a prayer for you. Things will get better.
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You have to live life to the fullest because you don't know what you got till it's gone.
Hi Franny welcome, while you don't need a sponsor, it is highly suggested that you get one. I know this may be scary as I was terrified of getting one but after my second or third meeting a guy there asked if I had one, I said no and he said he would be. He then moved and I asked my current sponsor if he would be and he said he would be honored. The key is going to as many meetings as you can and try to come a bit early or leave a bit late. A lot of people like to gather before and after the meetings, usually to smoke (not sure if you do) but I am sure you will have a sponsor before you know it that is a female with some good time under her belt. Also some meetings have a part in the beginning where they ask if anyone is willing to be a sponsor and people hold up their hands. These people are willing to take on anyone as a sponsee. It is highly suggested you get a sponsor as to complete all the steps it is nice to work with someone and especially step 5. This sponsor will be someone you call to keep you in track and call to check in every day. Also this is a program that has been given to us freely and the best way to keep it going is to give it back so after you complete the steps and feel ready you then can be a sponsor to others and start saving lives! The first step is admitting you were powerless over alcohol, sounds like you have done that. Now get to a meeting ASAP! You will feel so much better!!!! Remember they were all in your shoes at one point or another. They are not there to judge, only to gather and help each other!
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Aloha Franny...welcome to the board. Sounds like your qualified for the program and it also appears that your have come to a full understanding of the first step. Admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanag- able. Going to meetings is only one of the things we do and I also recommend or suggest you get there as soon as possible. Ours is such a cunning, powerful and baffling disease. Getting around others who have learned how to live without alcohol at all is real support and while many meetings won't react if a new member shows up after drinking I'd like to recommend that you don't for a lease a while because you might miss some really powerful support if your mind is closed because of alcohol, stress and fear. Going alcohol free and open minded will give you a wider margin to work with. That has always worked for me and listening to the recovering membership is what keeps me rooted in sobriety.
You are not alone...we are more similar than we are different. When you're in the meeting look for those similarities and don't let whatever fear you feel stop you from reaching out for help. I was never turned away, I have never turned another drunk away and you won't be turned away. Keep in mind that you know most about being drunk and very little about getting and staying sober. Being humble is being teachable and the most humble I have ever been and still ever get is face to face with another drunk asking for support. Don't try to drive this bus alone.
You are not alone...we are more similar than we are different. When you're in the meeting look for those similarities and don't let whatever fear you feel stop you from reaching out for help.
I was guilty at first of mostly seeing the differences, but discovered the truth in what Jerry wrote above early on. It is a good reminder for myself as well to keep looking for those similarities.
I will go to a meeting this week. It is so embarrasing to me and I am shy by nature. I do not want to say a single word when I am there. I hate that I have to travel so far to go.
It feels really good to know that I am ready for treatment. You may know this feeling. I am ready to make the commitment. I am ready to be sober for me and the people around me.
When I finally do get sober I feel sorry for my students and husband. I am going to be one crabby you know what. My friend said it gets easier after about a month.
Thank you all so much for your responses. I am nervous about going to a meeting, but I will go. I am proud of myself realizing this is the time. We only have a short time in this life and I want to live.
Hi Franny, I read your post and other than a few small differences I felt like I was reading my own post. You have three dogs, I have three 3 cats, and two daughters. But, I too am a teacher, I have tried to quit a few times but have clearly not been ready. I have to be ready now. For myself and my family. I am also afraid to go to a meeting anywhere near my hometown. But to go somewhere outside "my community" entails driving a distance.
I did take the same first step you are about to take. I had my first appointment with an addiction specialist. I didn't get too far, it was mostly my history and how much I drink etc. He recommended meetings and I will see him again tomorrow.
Sounds like we are in a similar place with this wretched disease. My doc. did say he was a bit nervous about me just stopping because I have some serious heart issues. I am not sure what he is expecting to happen. I have cut way way back since my last visit with him, but now want to take the next step and just stop.
Good luck to you! I hate that someone is going through this hell with me, but it makes me feel more connected to the process.
I will be attending meetings as soon as I can get one during off hours. It is difficult, my husband is away much of the time travelling and my kids require rides everywhere at all times. Then the other chunk of time I am working. You would think I would not have the time to drink, but the bewitching strikes in the evening, and there I go.
When will you see your doctor? I would ask him what he expects to happen if you quit. Can you call him?
I need to find the right counselor. I want to wash all of this off, but it will not be that easy, I know.
I imagine it is difficult having children to drive all over the place and your husband working all the time. (((HUGS))).
I do not look forward to driving an hour to go to a meeting. I am tired after school. Those kids wear you out, as you very well know. But I will not be drinking, so maybe it won't be so bad.
I just want to get home so that I can drink everyday. I don't want to live like this anymore. I am young and have a long life ahead of me. I don't want to die and I am tired of living a life of lies. I hide my problem very well. At least I think I do.
Night time is the worst....you are right. I say I am so busy, but have the time to get tanked every night. I am a high functioning alcoholic. That is not okay to me anymore.
How nice you have cats to comfort you. I grew up with them and would like to get one, but my husband doesn't like them.
I just found a meeting for tomorrow. The woman I spoke to was saying the one I plan on going to is usaully attended by professionals in the work force. She said it would be a good place to start and that I should also go to other meetings where the attendance is different.
The lady I spoke to was very nice. She said that everyone has a different idea of what being at the bottom is like.
I wish the meeting wasn't so late though. It is at 8 pm. Then we have to drive an hour home.
I just found a meeting for tomorrow. The woman I spoke to was saying the one I plan on going to is usaully attended by professionals in the work force. She said it would be a good place to start and that I should also go to other meetings where the attendance is different.
The lady I spoke to was very nice. She said that everyone has a different idea of what being at the bottom is like.
I wish the meeting wasn't so late though. It is at 8 pm. Then we have to drive an hour home.
I will get through it.
Good for you, Yes, you will get through it, and it will be OK, as many have said, we actually come to enjoy meetings
It took me a year to start attending meetings in my home town because I was embarrassed somebody would see me, and it was hilarious because I knew everyone there, and they all knew I had been sober a year and I had no idea any of them were sober.
It was like coming across a secret society that pervaded every area of our culture that I never even had noticed, but I thought I would be wearing a giant neon sign blinking over my head when I went to the church, turned out nobody noticed, and other then the people that were there for the same reasons I was there, no one cared.
and when people did find out I was sober, every single one said "good", my drinking hadn't been nearly as secret as I thought it was. People could smell when I sweat, could see my eyes when I was hungover, and the biggest thing everyone noticed was my change in attitude and demeanor, especially during the day because I wasn't hung over all the time.
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Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a night, light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
Hiya Franny, and welcome to the board. Congrats on making a decision to be sober and good luck on your new journey. Stick around and help us to stay sober.
I think it is sad that you feel such stigma attached to going to a meeting. It's your life and you are seeking help. Probably in that meeting in your home town there are lawyers, counselors, other teachers, and professionals no different than you.
I work with teenagers and had a complex about what I was doing on a daily basis as well....I am a therapist and was telling them to stop abusing substances while I was a daily drinker... Anyhow, my drinking reached the point that I may have gotten fired anyhow and I was so miserable I didn't care about anything but stopping. When you have a disease and you take steps to conquer it, you should feel good. This is not shameful, but empowering that you are seeking help.
You stated in one post that you didn't need a sponsor. You absolutely do need a sponsor pronto...especially if you are going to have a sparse meeting schedule...You need support and this is a "WE" program which means the more people you have contact with that are sober and have coping skills to help you, the better. Would be ideal if you could go to 90 meetings in 90 days. I did it and did not miss a day of work the whole time. I was a stumbling, fall down drinker also and thought I had it pretty well hidden.
In retrospect...I don't care what people know now cuz I am in recovery. I feel no shame about that and this is because the amount of active alcoholics out there that feel no shame over their drinking triples those of us in recovery....SO..why be ashamed of getting well and doing the right thing when there are so many out getting hammered nightly that have no fears or remorse from hurting themselves and others by continuing to do the wrong thing? In sum, I applaud the steps you are taking and judge urge you to pursue recovery with all you have. If you want this bad enough, it WILL happen....but you have to be willing to go to whatever lengths possible and that may include calling people frequently to share you feelings, freaking out for a bit...relying on others for help, going to lots of meetings...working hard at this. If you can do that, you have a great shot at getting and staying sober. I promise.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
It is unfortunate that I do not want to go to a meeting here in town. I do not judge anyone, I am far from perfect. I just don't want to go to a meeting here.
Yes, I am ashamed of myself. I am extremely excited and proud of my myself also. I have come to a conclusion about my life and how I want to live it.
As far as a sponser....if one comes to me, fantastic. I never said I didn't want one. My friend just said he would do it, but apparently it is not good to have one of the opposite sex.
I am a driven individual and if I want something, I get it. I am going to win. I need to keep that in my mind, because that is how I will conquer this disease.
All I know is that my heart is good.
If I am failing, I will get the help I need. As I said in my first post.....I am ready.
I know that my principal, Superintendent and union reps have my back. If I walked into my principal's office and said I need to seek treatment and will be gone for a while, she would be totally accepting.
I did not share this. It stings really bad. :( I was in a meeting at 7:30 am with my grade level. Someone reported to my principal that I smelled like alcohol. My principal had to leave for a conference so she had no choice but to call the Superintendent. I did not drink before school, I would never do that, however.....I had many the night before and did not go running that morning. I was called into my principal's office. There was the Superintendent, school liason officer and union rep. He asked me some questions and asked me if I was willing to take a breathalizer. Of course I did and blew O. Thank the Lord! This was after I had to deal with getting the DWI. My Superintendent said that if this is a problem for you, we will help you, even if it means taking time off of school. He is a good man. I need to get better.
My husband is the only one who knows this happened. I have not told my very best friends. It is too much, too embarrasing.
Franny, Again I so relate to you right now. We will do this, right? I don't know, my fear of going to a local AA meeting is that I may see a parent, or a grandparent, or a friend of a parent, who might fear that they need to tell for the safety of the kids. My guess, Franny, that you also are always completely sober in your class and invest all your emotions and energy into it. It is exhausting, and the meetings I am finding are also at 8pm. It is all consuming with these guys. LOVE it more than anything, and it probably saves me from drinking other parts of the day, but the last thing I want to do is drive an hour at 8pm.
I guess we have to don't we!!!!! We can do this!!! My husband is a pilot, that is why is is not home quite often. A couple of weeks ago I came downstairs at night, pretty buzzed. He was watching a movie, a few yrs old. A MAN LOVES A WOMAN, with Andy Garcia and Meg Ryan. It was us. He is a pilot and the wife a teacher, and she is an alcoholic. It was so agonizing to watch that we had to turn it off. I had watched it when it first came out, and was saddened by it, but couldn't relate. Now, it is my story. Keep us posted Franny!! I am holding your hand and praying!!
Ok, I didn't read your last comment about smelling of alcohol in the class. That could easily happen to me. My husband has told me that I smell of alcohol at times when I haven't been drinking. Gosh, that is scarey. I can't imagine how your heart must have been pounding with that conversation. Gosh, I am so sorry that happened. How is your husband reacting to your nighttime drunkenness. Mine is getting wary. I am petrified he will give up on me. He has been so patient, but we have two girls. I am sick just writing this. I am such a horrible person. I am having a hard time getting past that demoralized feeling.
That movie has been on and I can't watch it because it is disgusting to me. I don't like seeing my behavior on the screen.
My husband is behind me 100%. He will not leave me. He knows that I have a disease and wants me to get better.
That meeting with the Superintendent is in my mind every single day. I just want to move away. But I know that will not solve the problem.
I do not have children. I can't bring a child into this world the way I am right now. I am a teacher and I see abuse and neglect all the time. It kills me. Give your children a big hug and tell them you love them.
Yes, we will get better. It is going to be ok. We are going to be ok. Geez.....it sure is scary though, not having that drink.
You are not a horrible person. You are just sick is all. Go to sleep and go to school tomorrow. It will be okay. The kids always make me laugh and feel better. There is something about them that I love. They are good, they have good hearts. What grade do you teach? It is going to be okay. That is cool your husband is a pilot. My husband is in the flyfishing industry, but is also two classes away from a Masters degree in English/Language Arts.
Larry and Franny, I just love that expression, Larry. To hear that being sober is so great, is just amazing. I see myself reaching my arms out and grabbing that word. I need to make it real in my life. It WILL happen. I watched my precious 9th grader in her school play this afternoon. She looked so innocent, and precious, yet I know her pain and anger. I just can't believe me. I am going to my addiction doc. tomorrow afternoon. I hope he can help!!
My husband is away as always, and my 9th grader is going on a missions trip to Guatemala at the end of the week. She needs me to stay stable and encouraging and help her get through the fear. She is going to help children in an orphanage over Spring break. I know she will want her dad, but she is stuck with me. Pray, I can hold it together this week for her. She needs me, but I am very worried about everyone being in different parts of the world. That is what triggers me to drink.
My younger daughter and I will be heading to Children's Hospital, as she suffers a disabling chronic illness. I am the one that drives 4 hrs. for her appts. IT is long with appointments and procedures and incredibly stressful for both of us.
I am clearly a big complainer, and I hate that, so in its place I drink.
I haven't read all the responses here but enough to want to add a couple things.
When I got sober, I discovered that the only person who didn't know I was an alcoholic was me! I was the last one to know. But I also found out that when it was learned that I was going to AA, people cheered my decision to go there.
AA is an anonymous program, though, just like the name says. Nobody in meetings is going to go home and say, "Oh my god, guess who I saw at the meeting tonight!" Anybody in a meeting is usually there to save their own life, not to find out dirt to dish on someone else. Nobody puts out the red carpet and takes photos to put on the internet or a newspaper when we go to a meeting. There's not even a sign on the building. Not that I've ever seen, anyway. Meetings are usually held in a church basement or a Moose lodge or somewhere that's normally used for other stuff.
I heartily agree with those who have said to get a female sponsor. No truly sober man with good sobriety will sponsor a woman normally. Not even the old guys. Old guys aren't necessarily without their own weaknesses, after all. We don't get perfect because we get old. I'm 64 and I wouldn't sponsor a young guy, a middle aged guy, or an old guy. No guy of any kind. I'd share my experience, strength and hope with them any day of the week, any time of night or day, but not sponsor them. There are plenty of available sponsors at mixed meetings. My answer to someone of the opposite sex, supposing they had tried everyone male and everyone had turned them down, would be, "I'll gladly share my experience, strength and hope with you, but I won't sponsor you" and then I'd give them a few names of men who I knew were looking for or open to sponsoring someone.
But now on the topic of sponsoring, nowhere in the first 164 pages of the book Alcoholics Anonymous is sponsorship even mentioned. In the back of the book are stories written by members who have gotten sober and they mention that it was important to them, but sponsorship isn't a requirement for sobriety. The requirements for sobriety are in the first 164 pages of the book and they include being willing to go to any lengths to stay sober and that includes being willing to go to meetings in your own area. If you can't find a woman for a sponsor, if you feel you need one, then don't get one.
Hit "submit" too soon. I was going to add: but do get to meetings, wherever, whenever and however you can.
-- Edited by Ellen E on Monday 29th of March 2010 04:14:37 PM
You will be disapointed in me knowing that I am not going to a meeting tonight. I had an anxiety attack at school while the kids were at recess just seriously thinking about quitting on my date.
I know you said it was ok to go to a meeting while you are still abusing, but it just does not feel right to me.
I probably will not be back on to post until I am doing the work to recover. I feel guilty and respect you very much for what you are doing.
Thank you all for the replies.
Know that since I did not go to a meeting today does not mean that I have given in. It is extremely frightening for me to think about not drinking.
Sorry if I let anyone down.
I am just terrified.
I don't know anything about the program, the steps, sponsers, etc. This is all sinking in and I am having a really bad day.
I will see you soon. I promise, but I know that means nothing to you. :( You have probably seen this a lot. I am not going to be that person.
You're not letting me or the rest of us down, franny. Really, you're only letting yourself down, when it comes right down to it. But it takes every last drink it takes for each of us to come to the point where we're desperate enough to try AA. If you have some more drinks to take, then by all means, do what we've all done and go take them. We won't blame you at all. We all had to do it. But AA will still be there when you're ready, if there comes the time when you really are ready.
I was terrified at first, too, but then I got so desperate that I was even more terrified not to go see if I could find help. That's when it started to work.
Franny, I am exactly where you are. I am terrified. I saw my addiction doc. today and he said find a meeting, and gave me ideas for good meetings,that he heard positive things about. I am scared out of my mind too. Lets do this together. PLEASE!!! I thought we could dive in together. What part of the country do you live? Gosh I wish we could be together in this. I have no one and can tell no one. It is awful.
Thank you Ellen E for your very honest post. I will need the prayers, thank you.
CeeCee: I live in the midwest. I need to go to a meeting, I know. I did not have time to make the appointment for the substance abuse counselor today. I was busy and forgot about it when the time was appropriate. I am about to write my lesson plans right now so I will make sure to put that at the top of the list.
I know I said I wouldn't post....but here I am.
Will I be given a book on the program when I go to AA, or do I need to buy it on Amazon?
My friend who has been through this asked me to call tonight, but I am tired and I still have to write my lesson plans.
I am so tired whenever I get an anxiety attack. Being so emotionally upset is taxing. I get up at 4:15 in the morning to wake up, drink coffee, etc.
I had to get to a place where it was don't worry about books, don't worry about appointments with specialists, don't worry about the rest of all my busy things or even thinking, don't worry about my job, don't worry about sponsors or no sponsors, or if anyone knew I was an alcoholic
Let's reduce it to the basic common denominator
I had to say to myself Just get to a meeting, raise my hand and ask for help, and it was that simple
Just go to a meeting if you want to stop drinking, I had to learn my best thinking was what kept me drinking
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Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a night, light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
Well, if you keep drinking, you probably won't have to make lesson plans anymore because you won't have a job. That was my experience. I was just too busy and I'd forget and I couldn't make time. Pretty soon I had all kinds of time on my hands because I was unemployed and nobody would hire me anymore.
The best place to get the book is at an AA meeting but yes, you can buy it from Amazon. It's a little more expensive there, though, I think.
The big book is available online. Google bigbookonline. I read it cover to cover online and it helped me get to meetings because I could relate to what it suggested. Good Luck. Jeff
The big book is available online. Google bigbookonline. I read it cover to cover online and it helped me get to meetings because I could relate to what it suggested. Good Luck. Jeff
I've only skip read most of this but one thing jumped out at me:
I don't want to go to a meeting in my home town.
Neither did I because I thought 'everyone will knwo' and 'I might meet someone I know'
So i went to a meeting in the next town. And sat next to a guy from the village of my birth. and we knew each other. As for I don't want anyone to know - well in my case, I was the last one to know I had a drink problem, everyone else knew much earlier than me.
Nothing gladdens my heart more than meeting a friend from outside who has owned and accepted their alcoholism and has found the rooms.
When you're ready, we'll be here.
__________________
It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Franny, I am 3 days sober and I completely understand how you are feeling. It was so embarrassing to admit that I have a problem, but now that I have I feel much better. It's like dipping a toe into a very cold pool. You know it's going to be cold and you don't want to jump in because of it. But once you jump and start getting used to the water it feels nice. I'm still at a point where the water's a little cold, but it's warming up :)
Stay strong and think about how nice it's going to be to wake up feeling good every morning!
Its been my experience that most people don't hang around AA meetings who don't need to be there. Also most people don't even know where the meetings are held unless they need to go to one. I know what you must be feeling. I went to a meeting and there were two people who I graduated high school with. They went thru, and had the same issues I did and actually they made me feel better. Most people will take you under thier wing ,not make you feel embarrased. Go to the out of town meeting till you get a feel of the fellowship and the program. In time you might feel more confident to try one closer and make your recovery a bit easier. When I go to meetings I just sit back with my cup of coffee (they even come around and pour you a second if you want) feeling like a queen. lol You don't have to say anything. Just say you want to listen today. As time goes on you will be amazed on how much your confidence soars in every aspect of your life. In time you will have something to share to help the next person. Good Luck to you I will be praying for you!!
I will look at the Big Book online. Cool it is available.
On the way home from school today I only had positive thoughts about what it is going to be like sober. I will have freedom, not at first probably, but I'm sure there will be a time when I finally get there.
I have a feeling that once I start treatment, I am not going to give a crap about what anyone thinks. An in town meeting might just be ok.
I will look at the Big Book online. Cool it is available.
On the way home from school today I only had positive thoughts about what it is going to be like sober. I will have freedom, not at first probably, but I'm sure there will be a time when I finally get there.
I have a feeling that once I start treatment, I am not going to give a crap about what anyone thinks. An in town meeting might just be ok.
The moment that you take that decision to put the drink down, you start to get freedom. When you decide to leave the drink down, you get more freedom.
You get freedom from illness, lying, hiding, denial, the shakes, the sweats, the bladder malfunctions, the poor sleep patterns, the anxiety, the worry, the paranoia and all the other negativity that comes with drinking alcoholically.
Then you get real freedom to become the person that your dog thinks you are.
So give yourself a wee pat on the back for taking those first steps on the road to recovery and freedom.
__________________
It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Tomorrow I leave for my trip. I will be seeing my very best friends. They are the ones who bailed me out of jail when I got my drunk driving. My husband was out of town. They are our family. Yes, they do drink, but not like me. They have the shut off button. They will love me even if I do not drink anymore. We are that close. They had to move because of the economy and my husband and I miss them terribly.
I am wondering what it will be like with some other friends when I quit. I wonder if we will still hang out. I will not be able to be around people who are drinking for a while, I clearly know that. I will just be pissy. That is how I am.
I called the local counseling place and they do not take my insurance. My insurance will pay half of substance abuse counseling. It is $80/session. I called Catholic Human Services, but they must have been closed. I left a message that I wanted to make an appointment and my number, but they never called back. :( I know they take my insurance because I had to go after my drunk driving for legal purposes. Of course I lied about my problem then. They probably could see right through me though.
My feelings are all over the place now that the day is growing closer. I will do it though. My husband even said that I have strong willpower.
I talked to my husband about going to meetings in town and he thinks it is a great idea. He said who cares.....wear this like a badge of honor. You have admitted to having a problem and are doing something about it.
I probably won't get on here until I get back. When I do get back I want to check in daily. I am in a runner's check in and that helps me stay on track with my workouts. I think it will help me, actually, I know it will.
Hope all are doing ok. I will be back. I think I will read some of the Big Book online from my phone on my layover tomorrow.
