Just a few things on my mind today...I've been on quite the emotional rollercoaster this week.
My ex is driving me mad...well I guess i'm letting him...giving my power away...
I've been praying for him for a while now. Page 552 in the BB...I'm trying so hard not to hate him...everything he is...everything he does. I've just finished a good little book called the four agreements...they are:
Be impeccable with my word:
speak with integrity. say only what you mean. Avoid using the work to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
Don't take anything personally:
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.
Don't make assumptions:
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid musunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
Always do your best:
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse, and regret.
So, i'm trying to work on these everyday, it's harder than it sounds..i find the trick for me is trying to remember these in the heat of any moment...well, simply heat or not. Progress not perfection, thank God!!!
I've been thinking lots about anger, resentment...and how they (whoever they are...) say that anger is rooted in fear. I'm amd at my ex...not fearful just flippin' mad!!!! I went to a meeting yesterday...I was boiling inside..felt like i was in a knot. By the time i finished sharing...i felt some relief. Actually when I said that to a fellow member, they said...I know...I can see it in your eyes. But it only diminished some of my anger...not all of it. To boot, I got an e-mail from my mom last night...more shite hitting the fan. My ex took my youngest daughter to Calgary to visit my sister and nieces. This trip has been kind of planned for a while now, but my sister thought it was only for a weekend...he called her the night before they were going to "tell" her it was for 2 weeks...didn't ask, told. I didn't find out she was going until the night before either...when i got on the phone with him to ask why he didn't tell me he just said..."I don't have to tell you anything" I said...( here's one of those heat of the moment moments...)..."you don't HAVE to be an a**hole either!!!so the convo goes on...he says he's her CAREGIVER..(actually he kept saying it..) not that he's her DAD but her CAREGIVER...sigh...
Says he's the one who loves her...like because I wasn't around I don't love her. When I think I've accepted my past it rears it's ugly head and I feel guilt and shame all over again...I know I can't change my past or my daughters...it's set in stone..and wishing I could is a waste of time, and energy. I feel like it's time to get the ball rolling on getting my daughter living with me. She told me that's what she wants but is scared to tell him. If I tell him it will only create worse problems for her. In his self-centeredness HE is the all important one...not the girls...Ive been praying on this..I'm not getting any answers. My mom said for some reason, she doesn't know why, she loves him...I said Mom, he is a lovable guy but an a**hole more often than not...and that fact makes one forget what's lovable about him.
I really try when I'm talking to him to remember he is sick, living int the past, angry, and will never understand that I have a disease. Yes I am responsible for my actions, but can only live in today to be well.
Resentments being the number one offender scares me. I try to send him love, to see us in my minds eye as getting along, communicating like adults...blah, blah, blah...
i wonder if sending him an e-mail telling him, in an adult way...what I feel, but I know in my heart is is useless, he won't hear me.
My mom said not to push my daughter, I didn't think I was, but that she needs to do this on her own, she's 11, doesn't know her own mind yet, is changing her mind everyday. And I guess the fact that he disowned my oldest for moving in with me has her scared, I would be too!
She also said that she told my sister that she's not ready yet but is just thinking about it, and I should be satified with that, I am...but I don't want her to suffer anymore!!! Because of ME and my self centered, selfishness and ego she ( they) have gone through so much!!! Thats so hard to swallow!! It is tearing my heart apart,,,what's left of my heart, it's in little itty bitty pieces..
Life could be so much simpler for all involved today is he could live in today...I honestly don't ever see it happening, even though i'm trying.
I don't know...i'm babbling now, but these are the thoughts that keep churning in my brain.
My sponsorsaid Wendy, your back on step 2...don't pray for patience...you'll only get things to test your patience...pray for strength..and BELIEVE that your HP will give it to you.
I also pray for strength for my girls.
Last Friday I wanted to drink...it's not often these days that i feel my anger so strongly...I wanted that escape that i'm used to when I feel like that. But I know it's only temporary..it won't solve anything but add to it. I played that tape to the end...i prayed..i tried to ground myself...i called my sponsor but got no answer. I got through it, thank God.
The meeting yesterday, just how it goes...was on love and tolerance of others. sigh...what I needed to hear...but got me thinking that really I need to love and tolerate my self first. Did anyone tell me this would be easy???!!And so...to top it off my ex stayed at my sis's all weekend...gave her greif over cooking sausages for supper, she is a single mom of 3...she's not running a five star hotel...so he goes out and buys a big sub and shares it only with my daughter...how rude!!! Got in a big arguement with my sister and my oldest neice...over what they don't know..he said he was taking my daughter home, he wouldn't allow her to stay there..five minutes after they left my daughter is back at the door apparently "allowed" now to stay for her visit...but he made sure to tell my sisterthat when he is back in 2 weeks to pick her up that it will be her last visit with them. How is my anger rooted in fear????????????? How do I let this go? He thrives on other peoples misery!!!
that saying "time takes time"..is really peeing me off today...
I've started my day over i don't know how many times....yesterday i had drug paraphenlia coming out of no where in my brain...i kept trying to push it out of mind but persistence is an understatement...i got through yesterday too....Today is a new day. I'm grateful to be alive, but i'm still mad.. I'm sick of the circles my brain does. I'm trying to be positive. I refuse to give up. I'm really trying not to let this crap rule my head. It's hard. Plain and simple, it's hard.
FEAR...false evidence appearing real. So why is anger really fear? Fear of losing your daughter,maybe? Please remember that she will ALWAYS be your daughter, no matter what the ex does. Time does heal, maybe not as quickly as we would like, but it does as long as we keep working the program and living a happy productive life. TIME...things I must earn. Give your daughter as much time as she needs to make her decisions, and love her no matter what her decisions are.
As for the ex...(here I go with the BB) We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves,"This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done." We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn't treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one. pp 66&67
I've really missed you here. I hope I get to see you more on the board...I know you must be really busy too. Just know that lots of people love and are rooting for you here and at the meetings.
When I spoke of fear...I was referring to others fear. When we get angry we enter a power play. Anger is often fear based (as in fear of loss), but if we consider what anger does...it always evokes more fear. The fact that we get angry is not the problem, its what we do with our anger. We get angry, we attempt to dominate and that is how wars are created.
The only way to stop wars is to stop defending and accept a greater goodness...to rid our world of negativity, I found only one way...recognise some goodness in the other and bare your belly... have faith the other will NOT kick you, because the man is capable of caring, loving, believing, parenting, making decisions - just as you are - it might just be expressed differently to the way you do all those things.
Sometimes we find they will still kick - that's when we give thanks for our strength and hold firm onto the idea that goodness or the light will always counter darkness.
Your daughter clearly had a voice in this. She's there. Kids are cluey. She can and will make her own appraisals. Maybe she might agree that sausages aren't top shelf stuff. Maybe she might have so much fun she decides life with a single mum is fun...Who knows? Life is about finding the good bits and holding onto them, cherishing them, feeding them and watching them grow. She clearly found something good or attractive in your sisters home, because she voiced her desire to be there.
If we all believed that Saddam was just a tired and confused old man, who did what his wife told him to do, collected fancy houses because he could, and had trouble communicating with his kids and neighbours...the world would be a very different place today. Instead we made decisions about him, his capacity to care, love, believe, parent and govern. We all accepted that he must be the epitamy of evil and we accepted the propaganda because everyone else was.
We forgot that everything we do has the capacity to change the world.
You once loved your ex. You know his goodness, probably better than most. If anyone can find peace in interactions with him, it will be you.
Go put the extra into extraordinary Wendy. You are just the girl for the job.
Hey Wendy, I'm saying wow, too. Everything Cheri and Nic said makes sense , they are two very wise women. The only thing I'll add is that I learned a little prayer early in recovery. "God, give me the attitude you want me to have toward this person." I say it at least once a day if not fifty, it helps me . I have to say it about my husband, Mom, people in AA, strangers,it has been a lifesaver, stopped me from saying some mean, hurtful and self-rightous things.
I feel for the children in these situations. I talked to my son two days ago, he is still so full of anger at his Dad, doesn't understand why I won't divorce him , and is just feeling so much like a victim, it breaks my heart. I have suggested he go to Al-anon,he had a professor suggest he go to a counsler last semester and he won't do either one. I have to keep the focus on me and pray for the best for everyone in my life. God's will not mine.
Wendy, next time you feel like your going to drink and can't get your sponsor or someone in the program,please, if you can, post here. We care , that's what we are here for, not just for when all is going great. We all need support sometimes, I know I can post anytime I'm having a bad day and someone will reach out to me.
...even where children are concerned, I need to omit any unneccesary discussion with sick or 'toxic' people in my life. I cannot help them, I cannot control them (or anyone else), and I also have a RESPONSIBILITY to MYSELF to steer clear of hopeless situations where resentments habitually crop up. If I ignore someone, to the best of my ability, neither one of us is going to die. If I DON'T ignore toxic people, I MIGHT die (resentment>futility>drink>death), and I choose not to contribute to my own demise, today.
I was not put on this earth to help EVERYONE; a lot of people would actually GET better if I left them alone to find their own healing somewhere else!
Let me never forget that it indeed DOES begin with me, and my recovery.
people in my life. I cannot help them, I cannot control them (or anyone else), and I also have a RESPONSIBILITY to MYSELF to steer clear of hopeless situations where resentments habitually crop up. If I ignore someone, to the best of my ability, neither one of us is going to die. If I DON'T ignore toxic people, I MIGHT die (resentment>futility>drink>death), and I choose not to contribute to my own demise, today.
if I left them alone to find their own healing somewhere else!