Finding a sponser

Sid · Senior Member

Finding a sponser

AGO · MIP Old Timer

Has anyone caught your attention yet?

Questions and answers about sponsorship is helpful, but what you want is someone who will take you through the Big Book page by page the way it was done for him. He should smile, have some solid sober time, and you should literally see something inexplicable in his eyes, he should use the words God, and recovered, and talk about how the obsession was lifted by working the steps with his sponsor. The first thing he should ask you if you ask him if he will sponsor you is "Are you willing to go to any length?"

http://www.aa.org/pdf/products/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf

His job won't be life coach or relationship counselor, but simply take you through the steps.

He should laugh and smile a lot yet be a little intimidating, not because he is mean or gruff, but intimidating in a jedi knight or Morpheus from The Matrix sort of way, intimidating because he knows something you don't and it's apparent in every move and gesture he makes.

These are all just my opinion, good luck

Larry_H · MIP Old Timer

Get to the meeting early and leave late. Talk to everyone before the meeting and again after the meeting. I found some of my best AA before and after meetings.

Sponsor.

#1 And very very important get a sponsor who is the same sex as you. Men sponsor men and women sponsor women.

#2 Look for some one who has what you want. Sobriety, joyous and happy what ever it is you are looking for in your life.

#3 Interview a prospective sponsor. Ask have they worked all of the steps with a sponsor? Ask how long have they been sober. Ask how many sponsees they have. Some times we take on too many newcomers and our effectiveness is not as good.

#4 Ask how many and which meetings they attend. A visitor who leaves won't do you much good.

#5 Ask are they willing to be your sponsor. Do not take a no answer personally. Their are many reasons a prospective sponsor may say no. Start at step #1 above again.
You will find one.

#6 Sometimes we pick the wrong person. It is OK to fire your sponsor. Your sobriety must come first. Just be sure and get another sponsor right away. We do a lousy job on our own.

Good luck,

Let us know how things turn out.

Larry,
-----------------------------------
"A recovering alcoholic without a sponsor is much like leaving Dracula in charge of the blood bank."

Rob84 · MIP Old Timer

Hi Sid,

Congrats on your first few meetings, hope you are
staying sober and learning from and enjoying the meetings.

Good question and I don't know if there is a lot of info in the forum on "sponsorship".

Do a google search "AA questions and answers on sponsorship", click the link and download the pdf. This is a pamplet circulated bby AA world services.

I suggest you ask someone who goes to some of the groups you enjoy. It might be a good ideal to ask a group seceratary or elder to suggest someone to be a sponsor, unless you have strong feelings about someone you want to ask.

Keep the faith

SteveP · MIP Old Timer

Heya Sid, welcome. Some good advice on here. I'm not sure about how helpful it is to you, but my own experience is that my sponsor was right in front of me for about 6 months, but it was too afraid of rejection to ask him. So, I went superficial, went with a guy who sounded fancy and had a fancy education at a fancy persons meeting that I went to at the time. He'd been in about three years. This guy had the *things* in life that I wanted, not, I now realize, the sobriety that I wanted.

Suffice to say, it was total disaster. I had to fire the guy.

I went to the guy I'd known all the time, a practical, older man, with 30 years sobriety, sobriety gained at hard-scrabble meetings in a rough ol' part of a large city. He's a great sponsor. There when he has to be, making me do my own work, intensely pragmatic, no sense of him even pounding a pulpit.

I learned from that that we don't need to fear rejection when asking for a sponsor and it's the person whose quality of sobriety I admire that is likely to be a good sponsor for me, rather than the quality of their education or their shoes (that said, my guy has a built a great career in sobriety, so go figure).

Keep coming back!

Steve

angelov8 · MIP Old Timer

I recommend keeping it simple. If you announce at the beginning of a meeting that you are a newcomer, then others should identify themselves as willing to be a temporary sponsor, when the chair asks. You can also announce that you are hoping to meet a temporary sponsor when you mention that you are new, then someone might approach you afterwards. I got mine seemingly by chance because she was the only one I could put a face to that listed an email on the phone list. She already had a lot of sponsees but after we communicated a few times someone else made plans to move away and we got together, and I can't imagine anyone more perfect for me. Eventually it was clear it was no longer temporary. Sponsorship is the best in so many ways!!!!! I hope you embrace it.

-- Edited by angelov8 on Monday 22nd of March 2010 02:58:39 AM

Bob K · Senior Member

The best sponsor is found with the ears not the eyes. Listen to people with some clean time during meetings, get there early and see how they interact with others before and after meetings, Seek someone who has been sponsored, it's hard to sponsor someone if you don't know what to do.

Sid · Senior Member

I thank you all for the great advice. I think for the near future I am going to be content getting to know others and doing a lot of listening. I'm also trying to get to a variety of meetings as well as attending meetings in different locations. Find out were I fit in the best and feel the most comfortable. I'll work on reading the Big Book as well.

Ellen E · Senior Member

I was pretty picky with sponsors. I had to find just the "right" sponsor. I really wanted a guy sponsor because I got along better with men, but they said I had to find a woman sponsor so I held off on it for a long time. So I'd just tough it out and talk to guys more than women and I figured that was my "sponsor". The women I disliked the most were the pretty blondes with big blue eyes and big boobs and who gave me competition with men and it seemed like there were too many of those in meetings to suit me.

And I did what AGO said guys do----I got a guy, (sometimes more than one) got a job, got a car----and got drunk.

So then I quit drinking again, went back to meetings, got a job, got a guy, got a car, got a sponsor----never called her. Got drunk.

Lost the job, lost the car, lost my kids, lost my will to live anymore, had a guy who nearly obliged me by trying to kill me, but this time I did get the message that I had to get serious about doing what was suggested to me or I was going to die.

I went to a meeting and asked someone to be my sponsor. She was a tough old lady, too, and I thought that's what I needed. She gave me her phone number. I politely offered her mine and she banged her hand on the table and said, "I don't want your damn phone number. I don't want what you have. If you want what I have, you call me!" Scared the crap out of me and hurt my feelings, so then I decided she wasn't the one for me after all.

I was determined I had to have a sponsor, though, and anyone would do so long as it was a woman and she said yes and she didn't bang her fists on the table and insult me and scare the crap out of me.

I asked a couple more women and don't you know it? My luck! The last one I asked said yes---and she was a pretty blonde with big blue eyes, big boobs and men thought she was just the cat's meow! But I was really desperate to do everything in my power to follow suggestions and try everything I heard other people saying worked for them so I right away started going through the steps with her and bless her, she hung in there with me.

Steps are another topic, but the first few times I had taken my time doing those, and especially the 5th step. I was desperate enough to do them all to the very best of my ability ASAP, though, and this time it worked.

I don't know why the whole last part of this is in italics. I didn't do it on purpose.

There---third time's a charm, maybe I fixed the problem this time.

-- Edited by Ellen E on Thursday 25th of March 2010 04:37:30 PM

-- Edited by Ellen E on Thursday 25th of March 2010 04:38:44 PM

-- Edited by Ellen E on Thursday 25th of March 2010 04:39:46 PM

Sid · Senior Member

I had a read through all the great information posted here and wanted to say thanks again. I have a real good sense of what I am looking for in a sponser.
Actually, I am looking for someone very similar to a few individuals I have gotten to know through their postings on this forum.
I can think of two people I have met at meetings who I might be interested in asking. I'll keep attending meetings, getting to know people and hopefully find the right fit. I'm anxious in getting started on working the steps, but at the same time feel finding the right sponser isn't a decision to rush.