Hi my friend,

First before I talk about the 4th Step, just wanted to say I laughed so hard at your old boyfriends answer to the bumper problem, made me think of one of my all time favorite jokes, about a man that cut off the tail of an alligator, painted him yellow, and used him as his dog  ....wow, head is on stright now so to your question.

I had the same sense of confusion of how to do this the most
throughily, no not perfectly, but wanted to feel confident that I was doing it completely.  I had a Sponsor then, and when I talked about this same issues with her, she handed me a book, and said maybe this might help.  The name of the Book, "A Gentle Path throught the 12 Steps of Recovery".  This Book is AA Approved, can be found on the second page of the Bookshop here on MIP.

Anyway, I sort of had to start at Step One, as far as the writing in the Book, and it was great, then when I read through the 4th Step guidelines, this book was exactly what I needed, it broke down all the elements of negative stuff that had to be put on paper, a seperate page on Shame, Fear, etc.  But what I really loved was the complete comprehensiveness to this great book, and so when I worked that 4th step, with each itemized inventoried....there was a corresponding page, that had to be completed before going forward, and that was a List of Attributes, good things about myself.

I am sure that all the work pages available are pretty much just what I have stated, but what I liked the most, was first it was a Complete and Comprehensive Workbook, that was of course tied completely to the BB.  The author did stress repeatedly, his idea that the Goal in Recovery is all about getting and staying in Balance.... I liked that a lot, as a woman whose life had always been so OUT of balance in Everything in my life.

Have reordered several times, a great way to also re-do the Steps.....My take,  they are the source of
living the this awesome Program...one little day at a time....

As the years go by Tessa, and I am needing to repeat them, I never have to worry, cause if I forget, then the Steps, start working me.....(an overwhelming urge comes over me rework one, and with  the need to always do them in order, so do all Twelve.

You can buy this book anyway, if you wanted to, order it from
Amazon, cost is about 10 bucks, use to be 8.

So let us know.....I just realized now that you are not working and perhaps not the right time to be buying anything. so just let us know how it goes. Okey dokey.

Hugs, and great to see you here so much.

Toni

I didnt use any worksheets. My sponsor guided me just exactly the way the BB says to do the 4th step.

I did not use a guide. I just did as my sponsor suggested.  Mine was a mix of the Big Book style and a narrative.  Sure worked for me after the 5th step everything changed in my world.

Larry,
-------------------------------------
You won't learn much from people who agree with you

I found when I started writing stuff came pouring out.

I'm not being a smartass either, the biggest revelation was my GF at the time, she had dumped me, ran off with a sea captain, and made my life a living hell for 2 years, I mean she frickin tortured me, yet I had no resentment, because the truth was, I had been sleeping with everyone in a skirt for those 2 years and I was pretty drunk the whole time so I wouldn't rule out any small land or sea mammals, I mean I was busy, so I deserved everything she did, I had it coming.

I wrote down her name, stared at the page.....nothing

When she left me though, she "took" my best friend with her, we had been best friends for 20 years, so when I wrote his name down, I got 5 pages of her.

Rage

murderous anger

(so of course 6 months later we were back together, us alkies are like that)

You know that thing everyone says at the end of the meeting when they are all flapping their arms like some kind of idiotic geese or something?

"It works if you work it"

It does, it really does

Tessa wrote:

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OMG! AGO, you had me rollin when you two got back together!!! That's an alkie for ya!! I presume you two are together now?

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Nah, that was 20 years ago, I'm dating a different ex now

 

you want a suggestion?

 

just start writing LOL, it's literally that easy, nothing to prepare, first list everyone that ever pissed you off, that's it, and list everyone you ever slept with (i had some overlap, this is to be expected), thats a good start, then  list your fears, then go back to the book for fresh instructions

I have heard so many times in the meeting rooms of AA that there is no right way and no wrong way to work the steps and I highly disagree with that .
Uhhh, seems to me we have a program that specifically states ... Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.

If I deviate from the book, then Im NOT keepin it simple, and I feel that is wrong, for me.

One of my very first sponsors said it would be okay to just go to the church I was attending at the time and make a confession to the pastor there of all the wrongs Ive done. She said that would be fine for a 4th step . Wrong !! ( now it does say in the book that it is okay to talk to a priest or pastor, something to that effect, Imnot sure exactly what it does say, cuz Im to lazy right now to get my book and look it up ).

Another one of my first sponsors said for me to just start writing down all the things I ever did bad while I was drinking ... everything I felt guilt or remorse over. Wrong again !!

I should mention that I drank in between the above mentioned attempts at the 4th step.

Then I got a real sponsor, One that knew what She was doing as far as guiding a new person thru the steps.
She told me to get some paper and pen, and that I was to pray and ask for Gods guidance as well while I tired to remember all the grudges I had against ppl. places or things in my past . If it bothered me and made me as angry when I remembered it as it did when it happened, then I was to write it down. Now, lets say for instance, I was mad at my Mom cuz she wouldnt let me wear makeup at age ... 12 and I had a resentment about that and was still hanging onto it at age ... 41, then Id better write it down. If I wasnt mad any more, then let it go.
The 4th step is a grudge list, plain and simple.
I had a list , took it to my sponsor, we put the list in the columns like the book says and that is where and when I found out what the heck was really goin on. I saw my part, I found out what MY character defects were. Then we did the 5th step together as well.
And backing up a little to the 3rd step, We did that together too. Just like the book says.

It paid for me to follow directions. It paid for me to listen to my sponsor.

ljc wrote:

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The 4th step is a grudge list, plain and simple.

---

well, resentments are the number one offender, but certainly not the only offender:

First, we searched out the flaws in our make-up which caused our failure. Being convinced that self, manifested in various ways, was what had defeated us, we considered its common manifestations.

Resentments

then a fear list:

We reviewed our fears thoroughly. We put them on paper, even though we had no resentment in connection with them.

and a sex list:

Now about sex. Many of needed an overhauling there.

We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it.

and a list of harms done:

Step 8: " Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all."

page 76: "We have a list of all persons we have harmed and to whom we are willing to make amends. We made it .... when we took inventory."

and this always caught my eye:

We went back through our lives. Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty.

But Tessa, don't worry about missing things

If you have already made a decision, and an inventory of your grosser handicaps, you have made a good beginning. That being so you have swallowed and digested some big chunks of truth about yourself.

If you can make that decision (step 3) and inventory your grosser handicaps(step 4), you have made a good beginning, you just do the best you can.

 

It's funny when the fourth step is a topic at a meeting I see 3 basic opinions:

 

1. The fourth step is scary and difficult and/or impossible, and me never doing it is why I drank. People with sharing their opinion about an experience they have never had.

2. Do it EXACTLY the way the BB says or you will die a slow miserable death and will be doing it "wrong". Truthfully these folks are wound a little tight for my taste, their veins bulge in their foreheads, and they seem angry quite a bit of the time. (this was me for quite a few years)

3. The only way to do a fourth step wrong is not to do it, just do the best you can, and if you can get some of your grosser handicaps down you have made a good beginning. (I am learning how to be like this)

 

I was at a step study meeting once, there were a few dozen Alpha Males in the room, like meetings attract ( I am an alpha male, I am not being derogatory) and my sponsor at the time was sharing about the fourth step.

He said "Any job worth doing is worth doing poorly"

You could see every single alpha male lurch upright in their seat, we are POUNDED with the idea that we not only need to do a job well, we need to be the BEST, we need to be PERFECT, you could hear pacemakers clacking and smoking as heart rates shot up and blood pressures reached dangerous levels.

Alex continued, "My sponsor told me that when I was balking on my fourth step, I was so intent on doing it perfectly that I couldn't even get started, and I noticed that was a pattern in my life, I was so intent on only doing good at everything I would get overwhelmed with fear and never get started. What I learned was it's OK to just do the best you can, that it doesn't need to be perfect, and if it's incomplete I will be doing it again. Allowing myself the possibility that I wouldn't be doing a perfect fourth step gave me the freedom to get started, it gave me permission to do the best I could with the knowledge it needn't be perfect, that I could always do another one later. That The Big Book gave me permission to just get some of my grosser handicaps written down and that as time went on, "More would be revealed" and that between redoing the steps and doing step 10, I would catch more and more as time went on. That my fourth step would NEVER be perfect and that was OK."

 

Over the past 20 years there are people in the meetings that drove me CRAZY because they didn't work the program "correctly" -read "my way" since I am a Big Book Joe and Charley fundamentalist- and they all stayed sober, not only that, generally speaking they are happier and generally more well adjusted then I am, and that they smile a lot.

 

Tessa, you just do the best you can and put pen to paper, and if it's not perfect, we'll catch it next time. Good luck and Good Job!!!!

-- Edited by AGO on Friday 19th of March 2010 02:13:27 PM