I am having the hardest time controlling my emotions right now, especially with my boyfriend! I know it's because I'm fresh off a relapse and things are still kind of crazy, but I HATE acting like this!!
I completely lose it on him and turn into a total psycho bitch - throwing temper tantrums like a 3 year old! I always know when my mind is headed in that direction and every time I try to talk myself out of it, but I can't stop it!!!
It's like an out of body experience where I'm watching the dumb girl in the horror films who goes searching through the house for the killer/monster and you are thinking, "Don't go there!!!" But she does anyway!!!! UGH!!
I'm talking about it in meetings, with my friends and my sponsor; but I am so frustrated! I hope it will get better, otherwise I'm going to run my (already weirded out) boyfriend away!!!
If anyone has experience with this, please share!! I need encouragement that it will get better!
Go for a walk and talk to God before you talk to your boyfriend. Think it out before you say it, once spoken, it can't be taken back.
You might ask your boyfriend to attend some alanon meetings so he can learn what this disease is all about and what it is doing to you, so he knows that it's not you, it's the illness talking. At the very least, have him read the chapter "To the Wives" pp 104 and "The Family Afterward" pp122 in your big book.
KEEP US O LORD,FROM PETTINESS. LET US BE THOUGHTFUL IN WORD AND DEED. HELP US TO PUT AWAY PRETENSE, AND FACE EACH OTHER IN DEEP TRUST WITHOUT FEAR OR SELF-PITY. HELP US TO GUARD AGAINST FAULT –FINDING, AND BE QUICK TO DISCOVER THE BEST IN EACH OTHER AND IN EVERY SITUATION. GUARD US FROM ILL TEMPER AND HASTY JUDGEMENT; ENCOURAGE US TO TAKE TIME FOR ALL THINGS, TO GROW CALM, SERENE AND GENTLE. HELP US TO BE GENOUROUS WITH KIND WORDS AND COMPLIMENTS. TEACH US NEVER TO IGNORE, NEVER TO HURT, NEVER TO TAKE EACH OTHER FOR GRANTED. ENFRAVE CHARITY AND COMPASSION IN OUR HEARTS.
try this: PRAYER OF A HUSBAND AND WIFE KEEP US O LORD,FROM PETTINESS. LET US BE THOUGHTFUL IN WORD AND DEED. HELP US TO PUT AWAY PRETENSE, AND FACE EACH OTHER IN DEEP TRUST WITHOUT FEAR OR SELF-PITY. HELP US TO GUARD AGAINST FAULT –FINDING, AND BE QUICK TO DISCOVER THE BEST IN EACH OTHER AND IN EVERY SITUATION. GUARD US FROM ILL TEMPER AND HASTY JUDGEMENT; ENCOURAGE US TO TAKE TIME FOR ALL THINGS, TO GROW CALM, SERENE AND GENTLE. HELP US TO BE GENOUROUS WITH KIND WORDS AND COMPLIMENTS. TEACH US NEVER TO IGNORE, NEVER TO HURT, NEVER TO TAKE EACH OTHER FOR GRANTED. ENFRAVE CHARITY AND COMPASSION IN OUR HEARTS.
Thank you ... I'm going to write that down or maybe even make it into one of those "pocket prayer"-like cards and keep it with me.
Ouch! I remember this so well. I was an angry lunatic when I first got sober, often stunning myself and sending myself into tears of absolute frustration with myself and the way it used to all unroll...scaring my kids with insane rages....freaking out at the simplest or most non-sensical things. I remember knowing it was coming too...the feeling of "Ah don't go there"...but knowing I would and was all ready on my way anyway.
Without the grog, we have to learn to cope with life and all that entails...learn to live life on lifes terms. It's hard work, but we do it a day at a time, step by step.
I went to my sponsor, absolutely hating myself.... Hating what I was doing...with no idea how to stop it, but desperately wanting to.
She did what all good sponsors do and directed me back into the steps.
1. Life had become unmanageable. Not only could I not live with alcohol, I was making a mess of it as well.
2. I needed to be restored to sanity and honestly believed there was another way to do things and live. I'd seen it - others could do it, so can I.
3. Was I willing to make a decision? Was I sent here to carry on like this? If I was to die tomorrow would my contribution to this world be worthwhile?...........What is my understanding of why I am here and what is my primary purpose?
4. What do I want to change and why do I want to change it?
5. I had to share (just as you have done) that I was a psycho bitch who didn't want to give up hope. I made a promise to others that I WAS going to change this. I verbalised it to set the decision in concrete. I needed others to help me see the warning signs...help me try different ways of coping.
6/7. I tried not to do it again. I did it again. I sat on the floor in my kids room, defeated...with tears streaming down my face. I looked at the ceiling and spoke into the silence. "No *#%#%more. I need help. I can't do this". (Not talking to anyone in particular...just humbled and at the end of my rope)
8. Something changed in that moment. I can't really explain what it was...but I sat there and thought about my kids, my family and friends and all the people that had worn my rages (both drunk and sober), and those who just couldn't wear it and had walked away...the ones who had tried to help me and had given up...the ones that had knocked me down because they had no idea how else to deal with me. I realised that it wasn't the grog that did this. It was me. I recognised the same look on all their faces...fear.
I had no idea where to start to turn this around so I bumbled along for a bit. I can share some of what worked. When I realised that their fear actually fed my rages, I made an effort to diminish that fear whenever I saw it. I used little steps...practicing speaking softly, and not letting my voice or tone rise. It was difficult, and still today I can find my voice is aggressive in certain situations. I also practiced moving gently, the words I used to encourage myself were "step lightly". Rather than respond quickly or what I thought was efficiently and sometimes roughly, I took my hands off for a bit. I stepped backwards, instead of forwards, when I met challenges and reminded myself to slow down and look at the big picture.
9. When situations arose that could lead to one of my rages, I would speak...not about what was happening in the situation, but what was happening in me. Learning to communicate was and is one of my ongoing and most powerful amends. I began to name my feelings. I began to express my desire not to hurt, scare or "lose the plot". I would say, "Right now I am feeling (name it) and I don't want to end up a screaming lunatic...please listen to what I need/feel right now or I will have to find someone else to talk to." I began to notice that a lot of people actually like arguing...and many were used to arguing with me. I learned to leave situations long enough to find peace in them.
10.There were times I failed. When I ended up back in a situation that I found difficult to change or participate in. I learned to acknowledge my progress and admit my failed attempts, looking always at my improvement before counting up ways I failed, and things I had forgotten to practice. The rages didn't dissappear over night - but they were diminishing...they were occurring less often and lasting shorter periods of time.
11. Somewhere in all this, I'd found a nice part of me...a peaceful part that had lots of patience, love and laughter to offer. I found it easier to share with kids at first and I kept practicing with adults. I spent a lot of time thinking about it...how I could offer it...what I could and should offer, and I just kept trying to focus on it, and asking the Universe to back me up.
12. Something happened. Others were beginning to comment on the nice facets of me. The most common adjective used to describe me when I was drinking was probably wild. My sponsor suggested that I was a wild baby rose. Thorny, hard...but soft and beautiful when others get up close...slowly opening and getting more and more beautiful as I grew. I held onto the thought of a rose bud for a long time. Maybe you are a rose bud too?
I've been on the receiving end of a relationship where the girl would go "psycho" in sudden trantrums.
In all honesty, it was scary. The slightest thing would send her off into a screaming, cursing rampage. She'd throw clothes and destroy her own place. Completely ransack it.
She knew she had a problem, and she was making strides towards fixing it. But ultimately, it was too much for me and I had to leave the relationship. It wasn't jsut because it scared me, but the love wasn't there, that's what is important.
I'm not sure how long you've been with this guy, but if the love is there, he will not only be able to tolerate it, but care for you and help you through it. Even if the love isn't there, if he thinks you are special enough, he'll be by your side.
The good thing is you are reconizing that you are acting like a psycho B. and as long as you are willing to work to change the behavior it can be done. It does not happen overnight, so again, let time take time. Nic had great advice and insight. Cheri's suggestion to tell boyfriend about Al-anon is good, he needs to get as much education about alcoholism as possible, especially if he wants to be with you for the long haul.He could go to some open AA meetings too.I liked the prayer also, prayer always helps.
I was a tornado when I first got sober, but the serenity did start to become the norm. I looked at all the people in the program who had what I wanted, peace, joy, love,compassion, spirtuality,I started hanging around them, before the meeting, after the meeting, calling them when I felt like I was about to explode. I still seek out these kind of people, I don'rt spent much time with the explosive people, even the newcomers I sponsor know I will excuse myself from the area when it happens. I tell them to get out their journal and write about it, go hit a pillow, or go scream at God, He can handle it, He's bigger then me and doesn't have high blood pressure.We have to become the people we want to be, it is not going to magically happen, it is a choice.
My alcoholic husband has never chosen peace over strife and it is hard to live with, I walk away. It works for me.I learned that in Al-anon.
We have been together a year. I think the love is still there, but I think he feels like I'm not the same person right now that he fell in love with.
I am really working on it. It's just so hard! After one of my "episodes," I always want to try and fix it and apologize, etc ... and I feel like that sometimes might even make it worse, because he probably just wants to be left alone.
I know it will get better. It's just driving me crazy! I'm trying to be strong, it's just hard right now! All these actions are fear-based and I just need to work on that right now.
Hi Peach. This will all pass in time. I found that without the mentally munbing effect of alcohol, other people really annoyed me.
After time I realised that I just needed to be more tolerent of others as it was me that was at fault not them.
Walking away from any conflict situation until I had had a chance to calm down helped.
Best wishes.
Chris.
__________________
"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music." -- Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989"
