For the first time today I found myself testing my tolerance towards my AA Homegroup brothers & sisters and it felt icky. As soon as I saw some of them walk in my thought was "aww hell, here we go again" and during their 8-10 minute droning shares (the "woe-is-me", "constant-repeater" & "profound-misquoter-with-long-dramatic-pauses") I turned my energy toward a gratitude list (thanx, Bill) inspired by some shared gems and I got a lot out of that.
Am I falling dangerously out of Unity? Have any of ya'll ever just wished you had a "mute" button at a meeting?
Some (small mtgs., usually) have gotten so bad (over time, for real---not just a lack of tolerance/patience on my part) that I had to find some new meetings in order to stay sober (now isn't that a sad story!). And in all honesty, I am exceedingly grateful to add online support, because sometimes that serves as the healthiest alternative (for me) to the same-old-same-old, when it just gets to me too much.
What you are feeling is in my opinion very predictable. This is your only meeting, at noon, right. Always the same time, place, and facinating from here in California, what you sited as your main "feeling out of sinc" for those reasons, the same identical reasons apply all over I suppose.
That saying of the new person is the life-blood of the Program seems to come to mind. And many times there is so much talk about the energy that is so very high, at any Newcomers Meetings, always seems to center at the energy that the new person brings.
I cannot think of any circumstance, or feeling of discomfort that is worse that sitting in a meeting, tuning people out, that we love, and feeling inside not good about ourselves, because many times it was these same people, the beloved brothers and sisters that were there for us when we needed comfort from any of our pain from the consequences of this Disease..personally I don't think we have to be drinking or coming off a relapse to have just life on life's terms problems still be connected to this disease, that we all share.
The solution for me would be to do just what you titled your Post....as a refresher, and keeping of course your Home group the same...
Newcomers Meetings are almost always looking for others that can help these new young people out.....just a thought I had.
Happy to hear that yesterday's speaker time worked out well.
Remember Rob, we are human, not Saints, and listening to the same words every day, well...think we would all come to the same conclusion. Do not believe you were really voicing any judgement of others, but we do have a perfect right to make an internal judgment of ourselves. as in I am uncomfortable right now, and as with any discomfort, we always have the right to simply leave, sure does not mean we are not planning on coming back...just going out for some "fresh air"
I mix it up every few years, also have gone through periods where every Friday night a few of us would attend a meeting we had never been to before, even if it meant a drive of an hour or two. A road trip with sober buddies which includes dinner is always fun, I have also periodically gone through phases where I have found a meeting an hour away that I liked and attended it for a few years. I have about a 30 mile meeting radius, although when I was new and living in the isolated outback, twice a week I drove 2 hours each direction on Mondays and Wednesdays, because those meetings had sobriety and solution, and I needed those things at that time.
It's funny, I moved again recently, and it took me awhile to find a good group, it's, IDK, 10-15 miles away, takes like 15-20 minutes, not too bad, and EVERYONE in the meeting is like "you drive ALL THE WAY from THERE?"
?????
I just googled it, it's 10 miles.
To me 15 minutes is close, even North of San Francisco we drove all over the Bay Area to find good meetings, it was fun.
For me the miracle of AA is sometimes hearing the same guy say the same thing every week for 20 years and not murdering him.
-- Edited by AGO on Thursday 11th of March 2010 08:10:52 PM
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Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a night, light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
I've also felt the same way. My car's not trusty enough to travel too far & I hate driving at night. Something I used to love to do but my sight isn't as good now for night driving. The glare gives me a headache. So, I haven't been able to go outside my area to new meetings. Wish I could!!
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Rheinhold Niebuhr
Yep, I want to hit the mute button alot at meetings. This is why I very rarely attend open discussion meetings. My home group is a BB meeting and I now usually only go to speaker meetings, and step and tradition meetings.
However at the meetings like you described, sometimes I just never know when I need to be there. Might be a new gal there who needs phone numbers.
ARGH! Droners drive me round the bend. (Not talking newbies to the fellowship)
I find myself sitting there getting more and more frustrated and just wanting to scream or openly SNORE.
When it's my turn to chair (she says GLEEFULLY rubbing her hands together!!) I politely interject if the usual suspects are hogging too much time. For God sake! I'm sorry but some of these people just need to GET OUT more. God ....could drive anyone to drink.......
I find myself sitting there thinking.........ha! bet his/her husband/wife is CONSTANTLY having to tell him/her to shut up at home.............all SORTS of dreadful things I sit there thinking! NOT GOOD Louisa! ! (YES! I know I'm taking other's inventory but the selfishness of these people drives me nuts........some may be unaware and need it pointing out but others ARE aware yet persist in it as if they are the cabaret for the evening........)
OK Louisa shut up! Blood pressure is starting to rise.............
Seems like after a while of droning on the message seems to lose it's importance & others tune them out after a few minutes. I try not to do that but can't help rolling my eyes & just wishing they'd shut up! I say quickly what I want & get right to the point & then shut up so someone else has time to speak.
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Rheinhold Niebuhr
(the "woe-is-me", "constant-repeater" & "profound-misquoter-with-long-dramatic-pauses")
What a funny way to look at it! We have those three people at a ton of meetings. I personally think "man I could never work their program or I'd be drunk." God bless them though. We are all miracles in this program! It's really easy to close my mind when people talk and I have to think that maybe I might miss something that could save my life! Have to practice the H.O.W. of the program everywhere I go. No what's really interesting.............? When I go to different meetings for a while and come back to the meeting where these three personalities are, I find myself glad to be at another meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous! And I actually find myself glad to see those three people again. I don't know if this helps, but it sure has helped me! Love and Tolerance................peace..................
When I go to different meetings for a while and come back to the meeting where these three personalities are, I find myself glad to be at another meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous! And I actually find myself glad to see those three people again.
Yes, I have to admit that I find it oddly comforting to see those same people that drive me mad again! Strange .....but yes I somehow feel safe and secure!
I first read the responses to your Post Rob, when I sat down with my coffee, at one point, I was laughing so hard, I almost couldn't swallow my coffee for laughing.
We all do need to have a real Bitch session once in a blue moon, I suppose.
It was last year that I stopped completely going to a noon meeting, the reason was a woman, that has over 30 years, we were friends, so I thought, would make the identical same share, but in kindness to her, I would tune her out, and silently say the serenity Prayer, had to do that a few times before we moved on to the next person.
Here's why I left, after the meeting she would find me, and insist that I have a listen to what she had to say, she would begin her analysis of who in the rooms had a Good Program, and then would comment on someone souls struggles, well she would put it that "she has a really terrible Program". When saying good bye and heading for my car as fast as I could :), I would give her a little smile, and say, M......., for me "I make such an effort to not judge others, it creates a little prison in my head", and off I would go.....then in my car, I would be fuming, for what had I just done, made a very critical judgment of my friend for being so judgemental!!!
When I could clearly see that I had become completely hypocritical....had to get off butt and find another meeting....
I see her at other meetings and we are friends, but not active friends, I remember someone saying once, that everyone is the rooms of AA were her friends, some active and some non-active......:) diplomatic way of putting it.
suppose I needed to get that out, if anyone is still reading.
LOL....Toni
Rob, personally feel this does not happen in Step Study and BB Study Meetings, the focus is on the Readings......
-- Edited by Just Toni on Friday 12th of March 2010 10:26:19 AM
Do you need a change of meetings or a change of attitude?
I was told that to recover I need a sponsor, a step meeting, a home group, the steps and a higher power. Oh and 1 meeting a week, but as I didn't know which meeting that would be, I'd better go to plenty.
Sure, sometimes I 'tune out', but every last droner and moaner gives me something - even if it's a desire to NOT do it like that.
There is a guy at one of the meetings I attend and my guts flip when he comes in - he does long, esoteric shares like he's practicing for a public speaking contest - but - listen long enough and I get the nugget of wisdom that I need.
I am having a rest from one particular meeting, actually the one with the droner, to support a new meeting that has kicked off in my area, but I will go back.
I find it healthy to go to meetings that I don't know, I love the Scottish ones, they do it a bit different to Barnsley, in that everyone shares, even if it's only to introduce themselves and then say Pass.
So maybe stick with this meeting but supplement it wioth others. Talk to your sponsor about it maybe?
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Rob, been there. There are some meetings where I knew *exactly* what the person is going to say and for how long they say it. Especially for those folks who are going to do their scripted 23 minute share about everything under the sun that and then wrap up with the ol' "but the meeting's not over until everyone's shared." One guy yacks on for a very long time indeed and then even says if you don't want to listen to him, there's the door. lol
It's been really great for me in order to teach me just how much torture I must have been inflicting on others with my own long-windedness. lol
I guess in the end, I've decided just to keep coming back, even if I just tune out sometimes. There's always the chance that there's a newcomer there who needs us there, at the meeting, who maybe, just might identify with our own journey...which in the end, is how we stay sober.
I often find myself getting annoyed with individuals. And then I'm more annoyed when I think of the program suggestion that the annoyance really relates to a defect within ourselves. Then I try to move on to a suggestion an oldtimer in my area will sometimes share: That when I don't feel like going to a meeting or can't see what good it is for me, it can be important to remember that I might need to be there for the good of someone else. My presence at a meeting might be just the thing that provides for someone else in the program and then despite annoyance, I am giving it away to keep it.
Of course, if a meeting is downright dangerous( some have told me they stopped going to a particular meeting b/c of personal attacks or repeated unwelcome romantic advances) and challenging my sobriety, then I'd move forward or at least expand my meeting base. I'm told each meeting is autonomous, we take what we need leave the rest or leave and start a new meeting. They seem to evolve and change all the time, rarely are they alike, and as I change, I perceive same meetings and similar shares differently.
I loved reading this post, at my last meeting I was bitching in my mind about every single person there. I guess I needed that challenge or something, at least it was an indicator that all was not serene although I was thinking I was just fine before I went.
After only a few meetings I felt that my intense fear of speaking was fear of judgement and directly related to my own inclination to judge others despite self-proclaimed open-mindedness! Still need to work on that, more meditation?
-- Edited by angelov8 on Friday 12th of March 2010 05:37:14 PM
Phew...I'm not alone. I skipped my nooner today and went on sales re-con out of town instead. Had some great soup at a nearby town and enjoyed having energy leftover when 1pm came around. I didn't feel drained. Sometimes after the nooner I'm so exhausted that I have to find a shady quarry or park and take a meditation & cat-nap just to keep going for the rest of my work-day.
Ya'll are right; I have to stick with my homegroup because someone someday will come in and need me, and I need the droners, too. The same points being hammered day after day are what they find to be the strongest and most enduring parts of their journeys.
Of course I respect these people; they all have more sober time than me. I just need a break sometimes.
Some of them get funny, actually. Misquoter said that Amazing Grace was written by a former captain of a slave-ship (true), Francis Scott Key (not quite true).
Oh well, I guess you can't make your cake and sleep in it too.
) I politely interject if the usual suspects are hogging too much time. For God sake! I'm sorry but some of these people just need to GET OUT more. God ....could drive anyone to drink.......
