.............bloody complacency! I was away in Birmingham yesterday and today. Good meeting with my new boss, very mutually supportive. Checked into the hotel then went for a walk along the canal. Daydreams about living on a narrow boats finally laid to rest - looked bloody cold and where would I park the motorbike?
7 p.m. set off to meet with my workmates at the restaurant, had an excellent curry and a good evening. Gelled pretty well with the new guys on the team.
10 p.m. we all leave the curry house and go to cross over to the hotel, but three of the guys I've been working with for 10 years are going for a last beer. To the Tap and Spile, a real ale pub and one of my old time favourites.
My immediate reaction? Not for me I'm off to bed.
By the time I got to my hotel room, I thought 'aw, c'mon, one beer won't hurt.'
Boy, it was like a bolt from the blue. Where the hell did that come from? What do I do about this?
Damn, damn and damn again. Play the tape all the way to the end. One beer is too much and a thousand not enough, I know where it goes, I know where it ends, I know where it took me already and I do not want to go back there!
Gratitude list, read something, where's my book? Not packed it have you fool (complacency) but wait, we've got Gideon's Bible and the AA diary, talk to a brother AA about recovery and a serenity prayer and a bit more.
11 p.m. Bed and sleep like a baby. Foul tempter - didn't get me this time, did yer? I have no natural defence against the first drink, but my higher power will kick your arse, provided I spot the problem, put the work in and remember to ask for the help.
Ey, HP, thanks for the pressure test.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Good job Bill, That is the craziest part of this disease to me! Sobriety and our HP turns our lives around, shows us the way, but we still pressure test our selves! Excellent example of putting the program to work. I had a small pressure test this week myself involving some tree work I was doing. I was loading some cut trees onto a trailer while clearing a lot we own, and I kept thinking how good a premium beer or a rum and coke would make the work go easier. It is frightening when it hits you, but my new defense is to simply look to the skies and thank God (my HP) for all that has come from my trust in the program. The strength came, the fowl tempter fled, I lived another day.
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Yes Bill,its always lurking,,complacency is definitely the enemy..Saw a cool joke in a publication. guy sitting at a bar with a full beer in front of him and says to bartender"pour me another one Joe,them AA'ers say its the 1st one that gets ya!!How many times do we think well maybe we got this now,,"WRONG!!! not to violate our 6th tradition I will say,, Sneaky,Mindboggling and Deceptive!Good job seeing it coming,thats the"work kickin in
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Aloha Bill...good work. I know where you were at and it is indeed a "where the hell did that come from?" Good program; good practice. Thanks for bringing it home.
Bill, I appreciate the post and honesty. This diesase is baffling some times. I used to beat myself up over having these thoughts. Like I shouldn't have thoughts of a drink while in recovery. LOL I've learned that I don't have control over my initial thoughts but it's more important what I do with them. You put your HP and program to work. Nicely done. I try to do the same. Thanks for the reminder.
This happens to me every day. My mind will tell me " Go get a beer man,you can have a few". But Damn I know I cant. Its rediculous how my mind works against me like that.I have to catch myself and talk myself out of taking that first drink. Man Its messed up that I actually have to fight against myself and argue with myself to stay straight.
thanks for the post...I needed to hear that from someone else today.
It took me like a month to stop automatically heading to the beer and wine part of the store... I agree it feels real messed up ...especially at first, but we all have a disease of self-sabotaging and fatal capacity. That arguing you are doing with yourself is saving your life...it's called thinking it through and playing the tape forward. Those are tools you learn in AA and apply frequently.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
It is said that at times we have no defense against the first drink. The defense must come from our Higher Power. Obviously it did as you turned to the Gideon Bible for help and to AA. Great to hear your story. Keep doing the right thing and no matter what DON"T PICK UP! if you don't pick up you won't get drunk. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When God is holding your right hand and AA is holding your left, you have no hands with which to pick up a drink.
GOOD FOR YOU! Great stuff and great ESH too!