Wow, I was a footstep away from a drunk/high. I was totally exhausted after work, and came home and fell asleep on the sofa. I woke up half asleep, with the biggest meanest worst craving for alcoholic side-dishes on the planet, and was almost getting my shoes tied to go out and get drunk and high, when I said aloud, "God, don't let me do this... I do not want this!!!!" And I knew I should take my shoes back off (10pm) turn around, and sit down to this computer, read something positive and get on here and tell on myself. This disease is a real bitch!!!
To think of what has happened before when drinking and using, my whole life has crumbled and I had brought those around me more pain and misery than anything else in the world could cause. What my disease was trying to tell me is that I could go out and just spend $30 on alcohol and drugs, and come home within 2 hours, safe and sound. YAH RIGHT!!!!!!!! I would be gone all night, freaked out and afraid to come home, I would spend every penny that is in my bank account that I have worked SOOO hard for, I would turn everyone around me's lives upside down and give out ulcers and panic attacks the way I did before.
And you know what? I am SICK of al that, I am sick of the lies and the corruption of this disease. And it makes me sick that there is still a part of me that would even entertain believing those lies. I have not forgotten where I came from tonight.
I have soooooooo much more to lose now that I have been sober for long enough to accomplish some things in my life. And I have to be GRATEFUL, so grateful, that I would not take all these gifts and throw them back in God's face by doing a fool thing like screwing up. I don't know how, but something stopped me from going outside and getting in my car tonight. I am so so so grateful.
Miss you all, and I thank you for letting me come here form out of the blue and let all this out tonight.
Joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Hello JoniJoni!! What an Aha moment. I've been around for a bit and I still get surprised by this disease. It must still think I'm as easy as I use to be because the last time it wanted me to dip my ladel into the pot it wanted me to dialog with it about what beer would go good with a fig newton!! LOL Beer doesn't go with fig newtons silly I thought coffee at a meeting does. It was too late so I went to the morning meeting and there were no fig newtons just coffee and Oreos.
Crazy is entertaining but not when you're drunk. Glad you took your shoes off, it helps. (((hugs)))
Came to believe in a Power greater than ourselves that could restore us to sanity.
hmmm... now thats what I call a awesome power... restores us to sanity....
BEFORE we act on the Insanity.
I once had a HP that always restored me after the fact.... Today I am grateful I have a HP that restores me before I act!
Maybe, just maybe your HP and my HP are working for the same boss. LOL
Three tenants of a disease. (American Medical Society)
1. Chronic (It will rise its ugly head from time to time, how far up it rises is usually in proportion to how well its being treated)
2. Progressive (Only gets worse, never better in the absence of treatment)
3.) Potentially Fatal (Kills more in a year than wars between countries)
An alcoholic that says they don't ever think or even entertain the idea of a alcoholic beverage, may have come to AA in a moment of hysteria, not because they are a real alcoholic with the dis-ease of alcoholism.
When my alcoholic brain stops farting ideas of alcohol... it's probably because I took a drink, and then I have a case of the runs. Run from myself, run from my responsibilities, run from those that love me, run into the law... LOL
I have been here for 20 years... not a drink in all that time, but I can't say the same for a thought about it.
What my disease was trying to tell me is that I could go out and just spend $30 on alcohol and drugs
Now, that's one heck of a cheap drunk!! Glad you came to your senses!! I've had times like that. No problems or nothing really bothering me other than just wanting to go get drunk or high for no reason other than my disease telling me it's ok! The insanity of it all rearing it's fat/ugly head!
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Rheinhold Niebuhr
Weird "coincidences" in this Fellowship:I came close to some *similar* thinking last night. Left the meeting that I usually go to on Thurs and noticed that it was a bit of a wait for the train. Somewhere, deep within my brain, Mr Disease tugged at my coat gently and said "quick pint at the pub to kill time?". I hadn't had gentle tug in a while now.
B/c of the power of the AA programme, I was able to think "not tonight, thanks" and got a Pepsi and got the train.
Have you tried daily journalling? I used to do it years ago, and have recently gone back to doing it again, as someone posted on here about it. I must say I feel a lot better with myself through doing it.
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Serenity is Wanting what you have, not having what you want
Always remember non-alcoholic beers are for NON-ALCOHOLICS
Joni, It's really nice to hear from you. I've missed you on here. Thank you for the honesty. It reminds me that my initial thoughts are normal being an alcoholic and now I have tools to not react to them. One of them being talking or writing about the them. Thanks again.
Hi Joni, This is a good reminder to me that this program works. Without a Higher Power you would have taken that trip. It just reinforces the fact that good things come to people that stay sober. To drink is to die. Die spiritually. Anything that cuts me off from the Spirit can prove fatal once I go down that path. That scares the living daylights out of me. You are right. You have worked too hard to let this disease recapture your life. And I am so glad you posted. Helps me remember that Alcoholism is cunning, baffling, and powerful! Way more powerful than I. I guess, if anything, this proves a good reminder on how important it is to stay sober, and grounded in the fellowhip! Great to hear from you Joni!!!!!!!!
I have noticed that sometimes I can wake up from an afternoon doze (when I have accidentally fallen asleep as opposed to gone to bed for a doze deliberately) with a sense of panic, doom and the thought of a drink.
Thanks to AA I have never acted on it - a day at a time, but it has often bemused me as to why it only seems to happen - in those circumstances - when I have accidentally dozed off. I don't analyse it but My God it fills me with a terror for a few moments till I get my equilibrium back. Horrible horrible feeling.
It only happens maybe 3 times a year but I don't like it one bit.
My closest friend - another AA gets the same - to the point where she can be afraid of dozing off. Oh well!! Don't pick up a drink Louisa and the feeling will pass.....it does.....but it's frightening at the time.
Thanks buddies, and so nice to "see" you all again!
This was no fleeting thought last night, it was a die-hard absolute (Absolut?) CRAVING from hell, and an OBSESSION full out, to where my stomach started hurting and I started sweating and getting glazed-over mentally!! Left to my own devices, I am POWERLESS over this thing when it gets that strong. And indeed, thank GOD for reprieve, even in our weakest moments. HE did it, I didn't. My recovery worked on auto-pilot for a few seconds long enough for me to throw down the keys and take the shoes back off and get on the computer and TELL ON IT. That moment right there is what was missing before recovery. That moment of sanity in the midst of total helplessness and insanity. That is the "STOPPPPP!!!", and it only lasts for a moment sometimes, just long enough to say NO where we couldn't before, and then the moment after, get back to work and take more of our recovery medication. We can still jump off the rollercoaster, even in the seat, until it leaves the hub and then starts downhill. After that, it is too late. Up to the moment we partake of that first hit/drink/whatever, we still have a chance. Though we would prefer not to get that CLOSE to the fire.
It was still on my mind this morning when I woke, not the picking up but the MIRACLE of last night, and the total GRATITUDE for waking up in my bed where I belong, lazy sweet dog next to me, sun shining brighter here than it has all winter, a nice day off, some money still in the bank, my underwear still on, no shame, fear, smoke-filled crack houses or backs of cars or wandering the streets while the sun is coming up "In Search Of"....
God is good, all the time, in every way imaginable. Here I go now, off to school online for a few hours, what a great day it is. I still have my LIFE as I know it, due to one moment of God's hand taking mine. I was not alone. I am never alone any more.
Whooppppeeeee!!!
Thanks for all your wonderful comments and understandings, we speak the Language of the Heart, indeed. And your words John, very clever and I am going to hang on to those, thanks.
Love and hugs to my family, (((((((((((((((((((joni)))))))))))))))))) xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
__________________
~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Thanks buddies, and so nice to "see" you all again!
This was no fleeting thought last night, it was a die-hard absolute (Absolut?) CRAVING from hell, and an OBSESSION full out, to where my stomach started hurting and I started sweating and getting glazed-over mentally!! Left to my own devices, I am POWERLESS over this thing when it gets that strong. And indeed, thank GOD for reprieve, even in our weakest moments. HE did it, I didn't. My recovery worked on auto-pilot for a few seconds long enough for me to throw down the keys and take the shoes back off and get on the computer and TELL ON IT. That moment right there is what was missing before recovery. That moment of sanity in the midst of total helplessness and insanity. That is the "STOPPPPP!!!", and it only lasts for a moment sometimes, just long enough to say NO where we couldn't before, and then the moment after, get back to work and take more of our recovery medication. We can still jump off the rollercoaster, even in the seat, until it leaves the hub and then starts downhill. After that, it is too late. Up to the moment we partake of that first hit/drink/whatever, we still have a chance. Though we would prefer not to get that CLOSE to the fire.
It was still on my mind this morning when I woke, not the picking up but the MIRACLE of last night, and the total GRATITUDE for waking up in my bed where I belong, lazy sweet dog next to me, sun shining brighter here than it has all winter, a nice day off, some money still in the bank, my underwear still on, no shame, fear, smoke-filled crack houses or backs of cars or wandering the streets while the sun is coming up "In Search Of"....
God is good, all the time, in every way imaginable. Here I go now, off to school online for a few hours, what a great day it is. I still have my LIFE as I know it, due to one moment of God's hand taking mine. I was not alone. I am never alone any more.
Whooppppeeeee!!!
Thanks for all your wonderful comments and understandings, we speak the Language of the Heart, indeed. And your words John, very clever and I am going to hang on to those, thanks.
Love and hugs to my family, (((((((((((((((((((joni)))))))))))))))))) xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
THAT was a GREAT post. So true. Thanks God for helping Joni and by her sharing that story, giving me greater faith! Isn't that how this program works? Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
You've been absent...and honestly...it shows. Please lean on us. That's what we're here for. You're not alone Joni. ring it here and we an work it out. Even if it's just someplace for you to type and vent....we're here for you.
