Hi everyone, my name is Andrew, and I am an alcoholic.

I have been reading this forum off and on for a few years, I was initially introduced to web based programs through my studies of codependency actually.

I have been sober and an active member of AA most of my adult life, initially getting sober in 1992, drinking after 3 years, getting sober again, then drinking again starting maybe 2.5 years ago, getting sober again 2-24-08

I realized that more or less both of my "relapses" had to do with codependency, or not paying proper attention to step 3 in one form or another so began studying that, when I came across this site.

The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good. Most people try to live by self-propulsion. Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wish ed, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrangements our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous. He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. But, as with most humans, he is more likely to have varied traits.

What usually happens? The show doesn't come off very well. He begins to think life doesn't treat him right. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying.

I call this "The Good Actor Blues" and it has tripped me up more then anything else living a spiritual life.  I find in the past, I have used good qualities, such as integrity, humility, and honesty to manipulate those around me, and the attendent suffering has been incredible. I use "gifts with strings" and "Love with strings", if I do this, I expect this in return. This happens on such a subtle level I don't realize it's happening.

I had to learn that virtue is it's own reward, because when it's not, it's not virtue any more, it's manipulation and control. Our literature in The BB and 12 and 12 is pretty specific about what happens then, my experience abundantly confirms this.

Whats Bill say? Something like some us have been especially stupid and stubborn?  That alcohol is the great persuader? that this process is a tedious one?

This has been me on more then one occasion, I have stupid and stubborn and tedious process wired, if anyone needs any help on those give me a holler.

Anyway, enough about that, I am a by the book AA alcoholic that eats granola, talks about his feelings and codependency, and hugs people.

AA over the years has become my "community, about 90% of the people I used to drink with have gotten sober, and I have acquired wonderful friendships over the years with sober people. Almost everyone I know and am close to is sober, part of this stems from the fact I seem to have an utter inability to form close relationships with people who aren't sober, they seem to have an operating system I can't relate to, and don't seem to live by the same principals I do,  since what these people all have in common is me, I am sure that somehow it's my failing, but the truth is I am comfortable with only having people willing to evolve and actively evolving as my friends, as the BB says, I saw a fellowship grow around me, and I love all of them.

This is enough for now, I am sure as time goes on more of my story will come to light.

Thank you for allowing me to participate on this forum, I look forward to it and learning as we walk side by side towards that happy road to destiny.

-- Edited by AGO on Tuesday 2nd of March 2010 03:04:13 PM

-- Edited by AGO on Tuesday 2nd of March 2010 03:06:49 PM