As I am about to start reading a free version of an online version of the Big book (Thank you StPeteDean!). I have been thinking, all afternoon, about how I have to/want to/need to go about doing this, how I can "work the program" (as I've heard many of you have discussed), and a few questions popped into my head. One of the questions/thoughts I had was how I am going to handle basically living a new kind of sober lifestyle, when I'm fairly young (mid/late 20s) and most or all of my close friends, as well as my partner, can handle alcohol normally.
I know that several people have mentioned that oftentimes, when entering into sobriety, you have to sever ties with a lot of the enablers in your life, and kind of cut yourself off from those who drink. Two reasons: 1) because it's hard to be around those who drink and go to the bars that a lot of people go to, and 2) because it's simply too tempting and easier to say yes to a friend, offering, because, well...they are a friend.
So i guess what I'm asking is this: is it possible to still stay close to your friends, while you're trying to get sober?
I'd imagine that most of you are going to say that the best thing would be to just be honest....and tell my friends about how i'm feeling and what i'm going through. I'm 10000% sure that they'd be supportive, of course, limiting the drinking while I'm around, but i'm also very nervous and extremely embarrassed. It makes me feel ashamed, especially being so young, that I think I have a problem. I also don't want people to "not invite" me places because they may feel strange about drinking in front of me, and i certainly don't WANT them to feel that way.
I think the hardest part might be to fully admit it to my partner, and to let her know that since we're in a healthy, loving relationship, this is something i need to do. I know she is aware that I may have had a problem, and I've shared with her that I have family history with it. I suppose it'll just be A) sticking to it, and B) not wanting to disappoint her. It is also - again - the fear, and the embarrassment.
Does anyone have any stories that might help me with my journey? Any advice? I'd appreciate it :)
Hi ET. In my experience, it depends upon your friends. If its your friends that you used to drink with, I would find it tough to hang with them, at least at first. If it's people that you were friends with when you were drinking, then prob. not -- if they're real friends, they'll support you.
I'm struggling, for the most part, internally with alcohol. No one has ever "forced" me to drink or chanted me on to black out. I have good friends - it's me with the problem. I guess this will just be something I will handle, as time progresses.
Keep the friends that you had much more in common with than drinking...the ones you just got trashed with out of habit can go cuz you will find out they aren't that great friends anyhow. One thing that will hopefully happen when you go to meetings and get involved in the fellowship is that you will make new friends who are sober. You will attend sober events, go to activities with fellow AA's. Your true friends will understand that this shift in you needed to take place in order for you to get sober. It's okay to focus on you and shift your friendship for a while. You need the help of sober people right now, not your non-alcoholic friends. It it is meant to be with you partner, you two will work it out and compromise as needed. Do not feel the need to drink for others. You have to accept you are allergic to alcohol and it is that simple. In support,
Mark
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Aloha ET...The biggest reality I am grateful for in program was that I knew absolutely nothing about alcoholism and neither did my family and friends who made up the people in my life. Those who had a smidgin of awareness were not talking about it and so when I got here, "I didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know." Every thing I learned came after I got into recovery. When I stopped drinking more than a few of those I drank with got angry some very and I learned that their anger was because my sobriety reflected what they knew and feared about for themselves. We were all suffering the increasing losses that come from the addiction. The one that was supportive of my recovery (my drinking alcoholic sponsor) did not let my sobriety interfere with his drinking and fatal decline. He got sober in 1991 the hard way while I kept participating in my own recovery.
Your drinking associates and family don't know what you know and they might not be ready. Being sober will be different...some won't like that. For me they all didn't like it and some still don't like it even after I continue a long history in the program. It is natural. It is understandable and it is a reason for me continue on with what has saved my life than what had nearly taken it.
My early sponsors suggested that I put no barrier up in front of my recovery or one between my sober experience and the newcomer. "I cannot give away that which I don't have or experience what it is that I won't do."
I don't hang with drinkers anymore not because of them but for my respect for this most cunning, powerful and baffling of diseases which like water will pass thru the smallest of cracks or holes to get back into my life. Besides I have learned how to use fear in a positive way.
No I don't think you can hang onto old relationships & why would you want too? I've completely started a new life outside of my old using friends...who weren't really my friends after all!! JMHO
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Rheinhold Niebuhr
For me it has, but only because I work in the bar hosting karaoke. I have to say, however, that I feel increasingly as though I have very little in common with them and I wouldn't mind too much if they were not in the picture. I have begun to recognize those relationships as being shallow, and I value the friends I am making outside the bar much more.
While I haven't done everything "perfect"...I have stayed out of bars and not associated with people that frequent them for about 17 months. Go figure, I have about 17 months sobriety. Still learning a lot...still make mistakes, but I haven't and don't intend to drink or go to a bar to try and solve any problem today. That's all I can really state based on my experience with trying to keep old friends and go to old drinking haunts.
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Sure you can keep your old drinking friends. Just dont drink with them, its that simple. It may be difficult at first while you're trying to get sober, but after time you will most likely be able to be around them while they are drinking .
There is a spot in the book that talks about this kinda stuff, and I cant say it verbatum , cuz I dont have my book near. But it says we are not to avoid drinking places, and parties, weddings, etc, stuff like that. If we are spiritually fit and have good reason to be there, then its okay. If we are shakey, we either take another AAer with us ,or stay away. We meet these types of conditions every day and if we cant, then we still have an alcoholic mind.
And yes, by all means be honest with your friends. If they understand and still include you on events and things like that, then they are true friends. If they shun you or avoid you, then they weren't really friends at all.
This is how it has happened for me, its my experience. Doesnt mean yours will be the same, but I just wanted to share with you that you dont have to give up your old drinking friends. But most likely you will if that is all you had or have in common with them is drinking at the bar. It would not be a good place for you to be early in sobriety.
Read the book, it will answer any and all of your questions.
Yes, I agree with the above post, though I had to avoid all my old playmates as I probably would be drinking if I engaged in the same environment. I'm not sure if the relationships I had in pubs had quite as much depth as I imagined as those that I did not drink with are still my friends and these are deep friendships. I talked a lot of BS when drinking so that might be the problem. Look I too needed to let my partner know that I was in difficulty. He knew already. It came up yesterday in conversation where he said, 'I think your brother maybe gets depressed when drinking TOO' I was very grateful for the too bit. Last year I would have gone off my head with denial, so I think your awareness is great, get to meetings, get a sponsor you won't regret it.
Thank you, everyone, for your comments, concerns, and advice. I really appreciate it. It was good to hop on the board this morning (at work!) and read some kind words of encouragement :)
No I don't think you can hang onto old relationships & why would you want too? I've completely started a new life outside of my old using friends...who weren't really my friends after all!! JMHO
My experience exactly, in fact it is 20+ years since I was seen out in the usual drinking haunts I used to meet up with all 'me mates' and yet - I have never, to this day, had a call to say, 'Hey girl, not seen you around for a while, where are you? You OK?' Yet if I miss my homegroup meeting without letting someone know I won't be there, I inevitably get phone calls or texts to ask if I am doing OK.
That said, my partner, also in recovery, has kept close contact with his drinking buddies, all except one of them, who drank as much as he did, but never got on with AA, and shot his liver to bits and died around 10 years ago) His friends are brilliant, and although all of them like a drink or ten, none of them ever got out of control with it, and they know JC (my partner) doesn't drink, and they are very protective of him if anyone tries to push a drink on him. Another friend of his stopped drinking over 10 years ago after the doctor told him he was damaging his health, and he just did it - just never drank after that, no AA, no other help, he was just able to stop and stay stopped, so I guess JC was the only alkie in the gang, but is still very close to them, in fact he lives with his best friend in Belgium.
I only have one old schoolfriend with who I am in contact, but not regularly, she could, and still can, take it or leave it, and my very best friend at school I had to let go of when I stopped drinking cos she drank (and still does drink) alcoholically, and I can't afford her in my life - besides - I HATE DRUNKS!!!
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Serenity is Wanting what you have, not having what you want
Always remember non-alcoholic beers are for NON-ALCOHOLICS
Thanks Avril - and thanks to everyone else, again.
I think for the most part, it's going to take a lot of, well....GUTS.....to ADMIT to these people that I have a drinking problem. I think that it might be easiest for me, right now, to focus on me, and if someone asks, "Hey - haven't been out in a while with us, what's going on?" Then I can just gradually just tell people that I'd like to avoid the bars these days, and that I am not interested in a lot of the usual drunk spots I used to be.
When I got sober I found out who my true friends really are. The ones whom I considered friends that still drank eventually stopped calling. Imagine that? I can honestly say that almost all of my friends are in the program. Best friends I could ever ask for. When I came back I decided to follow suggestions and stick with the winners! Surrounding myself with people who have multiple years and have worked all the steps is so awesome. Can't describe it. Just awesome!
ElectricTwist- I never could successfully keep my drinking/drugging friends and keep long-term sobriety. As long as that door was open and I wasn't working a good program it was like a quick escape hatch out of sobriety, and the thing was I'd be surrounded by "friends" while doing it so it was like a sick support group for my debauchery. If you drink and drug long enough, you won't need to opt out of their friendship, they will do it for you- that is my experience. I'm 27 and I can understand about being embarrassed to tell friends that you have a serious problem, especially if your friends aren't alcoholics but still drink and drug recreationally.
Im not sure how Im going to handle this either. Im going to have to steer clear of alcohol for a while, Including family and freinds. Eventually Id like to be able to control myself around drinkers though.
I had a talk with my partner about this, and we discussed the fact that i'm way more fun (not to toot my own horn ) when i'm NOT drinking. As some of you may relate, once I have one, i must have 10....and once I have 10....I'm certainly no longer "myself," but a disgusting drunk.
Though I'm struggling....I think it might be FUN to struggle a bit, and start to gain a new taste of the "different" kind of feeling I can have this weekend with my girlfriend, and with my friends being sober, and enjoying the taste of food, and the scent of fresh air, and how it feels to have a good, sober conversation, rather than forgetting my entire evening, as the next day arrives.
I can relate.people generally like me utill they see me drunk. I cant have just one or even 10,I have to drink a case to get drunk and half a bottle of Brown whiskey in between.I drink really fast and really hard.I turn on people after Im really lit. I get sloppy and irrational, but I never get sick,I never throw up,Infact I keep on trucking untill my lights go out. I black out now after just a few drinks, I only remember bits and pieces. I have 2 cracked ribs Im Healing from now.-and I hate going into a bar sober and getting the scoop of how crazy I was the night before. Im 4 days sober now,and the struggle F'ing sucks for me...Its alot harder than I thought it would be.However I can already see how happy my kid is to have me on the couch at night watching TV with her instead of the 20 minutes I used to see her in the morning before school.I went to her Volley Ball game Sunday and found out her team is #1, I never knew that and the season is almost over... I can relate because I too am a disgusting drunk.
I looked at each and every friendship/aquaintence and reviewed it. (I solve a lot of stuf by flow-charting...I think in triage) Was the relationship based upon or dependent upon substance abuse? Yes; terminate. No; proceed. Was the non-substance dependant relationship steeped in activities we usually pursued under the influence? Yes; terminate. No; proceed. (people-pool got a LOT smaller at this point) Are they associations based upon a business or parenting (kids friend's parents) relationship? Yes; proceed with anonymity and just say "No Thanks, Not today." when alcohol is presented.
Are they associations based upon true connections and solid friendships? Yes; tell them everything except what is said and seen in the rooms. No; tell them I'm in AA and see where it goes.
Know what? I still have friends, I still get out to play pool once in a while and I still go to movies, go fishing and take my kids to the park. I do not, however, go to bars to see a band, go to house-parties, or go on big group campouts.
You'll find your way, and you'll also make new friends in AA. I made a new fishing buddy in AA. He passed the most important fishing-buddy tests; he knows how to tie his own knots and he doesn't talk too much!
i would say that the answer is 'yes'... but, you will not get the answer straight away. if you're serious about getting sober, then you are entering a new phase of your life were YOU are the most important person. the real support will be from other recovering alcoholics... they understand how you are feeling. your friends, drinkers or not, may find it hard to relate to your problems at hand. of course, everybody's experience is different, but, for me, i had to stay away from 'influences' that may cause me distress... eg, old friends whom i boozed with, places that i partied in, etc. i took it very easy for a number of years. by this, i mean that i went to a lot of AA meetings, so that i could hear the message...over and over and over again. i had ingrained habits that needed to be changed. i think, though, that jumping straight into our old social lives is stupid... it's our old habits reeking havoc with us. all i say to you is, if you want sobriety, stay close to people who are strong and wise!
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...suffer what there is to suffer, and enjoy what there is to enjoy...
Electric- That is a great attitude to adopt- to enjoy the struggle, or at least appreciate what it is. As my brother used to tell me, and still does on occasion when I need to hear it- "Embrace the suck"- kind of a crude way of saying what you said...
) when i'm NOT drinking. As some of you may relate, once I have one, i must have 10....and once I have 10....I'm certainly no longer "myself," but a disgusting drunk.