I posted this in the story section but figured Id post it here for the replies to advice so it dont take up room in that section... THANKS
I am 28 years old (born may 1st 1981) and here is my story leading up to today. I remember my first drink being 15 years old. It was champagne in Canada on New Years. My family was visiting relatives there and once I took that drink I was hooked. I never drank a lot but it was always there. When I was 17 I was smoking pot saily heavily I continued this for about 9 years when for some reason it started making me really paranoid. I tried quitting and substituted drinking alcohol daily instead. This is where it began going downhill. I remember a few months after quitting the pot and drinking heavily I checked my heart rate and it was beating very fast. I went to the hospital and they said I was dehydrated, I had two doctors actually tell me if I was to quit anything it should be the alcohol not the pot. I didnt listen and ended up in detox in July of 09 for alcohol. I need to now mention that my girlfriend at the time (whom I was with for 9 years and we have a 6 year old son together) worked and still does at a liquor store. Even though she never drank nearly as much as me she did drink (and continues too) and told me that this was my last chance to quit drinking, so I reluctantly went to detox and emerged 4 days later feeling great. During this time I never been to AA or anything. I quit on my own and felt I dealt with my problem. I went 9 days and figured I could drink normally. That was a big mistake also. I ended up drinking daily again. I had a part time job during this time and my drinking was so bad that even though I only worked 4 hours in the evening, I still drank before and took 3-4 shots of vodka mixed in my gatorade to get through the shift. Fast forward to October 30th 2009, my ex gf and I were drinking a half gallon getting our preHalloween party on when we started arguing and she called the non emergency police line. I didnt believe that she did so I hung up the phone, they called back and I said shes fine and hung up. They called back and sent 2 cops to my house. The cops arrested me for "interrupting a police report" I had to detox again in jail and it was bad. I was on 23 hr lockdown for 3 days and this was my first and only time ever in jail. For the first time in my sons life I did not get to take him trick or treating. I waited til monday when I was supposed to see the judge and sat in my cell praying and crying when a officer came in and told me to get my stuff as I was being released. There was no charges and basically no further action would be taken. Once I got home my ex told me to get out. I agreed and moved about 30 mins away to my parents where I am staying now. I started going to AA meetings and did real good. Got my 30 day coin, got a sponsor, almost went 60 days but I ended up at my exs on new years and I dont know what I was thinking but I took a shot and ended up going on a month bender. It got so bad that I would tell my parents I was going to a meeting but I would just go buy some beers and walk around town for a hour and come back and say it was a great meeting. My ex still didnt want anything to do with me but I would always weasel my way back to the house etc... 21 days ago I was drinking and had 2 beers stashed in my backpack, my ex was coming to pick up our son (i get him here every weekend) and I lied telling her my parents were having a fight and asked if I could stay there the night, she reluctantly agreed but said she had to use the restroom. While she was in the bathroom my parents came home and heard I was leaving, she said I told them they were fighting, they all pretty much had a intervention and looked in my bag and found the beers. My ex left mad, and my parents almost kicked me out. I had finally hit my true rock bottom, facing being homeless I begged and pleaded for them to let me stay the night. The next day I went to 2 meetings and confessed what happened there and told my sponsor who thank God remained my sponsor. So fast forward to today (2-21-10), I am 20 days sober and have been to 26 meetings. During this time I have spent the best weekend days with my son ever. It sucks that I dont get to see him everyday like I did but I figure its better to see him the 2-3 days a week sober then everyday drunk like I used to. I finally got a good job with benefits and start monday and hope to get my own place by the summer. Things are finally looking up and I am taking this program very seriously. I have lost any desire to drink though I know it can creep up anytime. My only problem now is that I miss my ex so much and we were together for 9 years. I cannot believe she kicked me out because of my disease but I do understand. Last I heard she was starting to "see" someone else but i am not sure if shes just saying that or what. I would really love any advice on what to do here. The only thing I can think of is keep striving myself and if it works out then let God take care of that end. Thanks for reading and any advice would be great!
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
I do not have much experience on this board, or much experience being sober for that matter....but I can say that I have had experience going through break-ups and dealing with the repercussions that an immense change can bring.
First of all - Thanks so much for sharing your story. A few comments you made (lying to your ex....lying to your parents....pretending to be doing something else, but you're actually sneaking beers....) really hit home for me, so my heart goes out to you.
Second of all - then you made it THIS FAR, and have really leaped over so many obstacles....then you can make it through the break up and you can make it, being yourself and being confident, and being strong.
Losing someone can be one of the worst feelings ever. But often, when you lose the person, you end up FINDING yourself. And a NEW self! And often, a new and improved (and now, sober!) self as well.
Keep on trucking. Go to the meetings. Find new things you LOVE to do. Concentrate on your son. Really strive to get healthy, and stay sober. When you can do these things, being single and finding a "new life" on your own will come much more naturally. And maybe eventually, once things settle...and once you feel more comfortable in your own skin....you and your ex can be great friends.
Thinkin' of you - and thanks again for sharing your story.
All I can suggest is try to channel all that remaining love for you ex into love for yourself. I did not do that and it made my first year and a half harder and I didn't make the progress in the program I could have. YOU are your 1st priority. You already see the benefits of staying sober for just a short time and your are really embracing the program. We can get through these losses with help from each other. We let each other know we are valid and loved. So Steve, you are valid and loved by us here. Just take that in and focus on a healthy you, new friendships, a new life, and recovery. It will all fall into place as God intends.
With support,
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Thanks everyone, its just that my heart is set on her. I have this vision of us together with my son and me being sober although I know deep inside for it to truly work I think she would have to quit drinking as much and perhaps get a new job as the liquor store is not the best for her to have if she is with me. I pray every day for God to allow us to get better or for her to see my changes but its hard for her to see them when she is barely speaking to me. I know actions are greater than words and this will take a long time but I admit I have little patients and that is one of my biggest character defects. I know that God will allow it to work out if it is meant to be. In the meantime I will focus on me and my son and starting my new job tomorrow. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I will keep you all in mine.
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Thanks everyone, its just that my heart is set on her. I have this vision of us together with my son and me being sober
Steve, My concern for you is that you may be "bargaining" here: It seems that you have an agenda, i. e. getting back into a relationship with your son's mother. I've seen it many times before, someone getting sober for the purpose of winning back a lost love or a job or something else. Around AA we talk about letting go, turning it over, getting out of the results. What happens if she doesn't want to resume a relationship with you, Steve? Will you drink again? I remember putting all these conditions on my sobriety---finding a boyfriend, getting the right job, making enough money. Those things didn't happen right away, but fortunately I had come to like being sober. I also had healthy people in my life who helped me to keep my priorities in order. So you asked for advice: Keep you eye on the prize, and know that the prize is your sobriety. Your ex, the new job, etc....those are not the prizes. Stay sober & you will get exactly what you need to be happy joyous and free.
Going through sort of the same thing now steve...But what you stated about "the vision of..." That is what you are in love with more than the reality and that makes things hard to accept and makes it hard to stay in the moment. I personally was/am so set on the "happily ever after" that I could not see the forest through the trees. I was more in love with the vision than the reality. Now, the reality is that I have a lot to be grateful for even though this relationship is kaput. That false vision I had that I was chasing is no longer and there is a tiny bit of relief in that. I can focus on just me getting healthy. This doesn't mean I wont have moments of loneliness and crying and a few "I wish he would call" times....I am human. But I will move on. God, AA, my sponsor, these steps will help me....and you too.
If we stay sober through painful and uncomfortable times, we learn from them. If we do not, we stay child-like and needy....We are growing up in AA Steve...it's hard, but worth it. I know there is rambling involved here...another important message....you are not alone with this. Others on the board here have situations similar to yours even more than me (with kids being involved and so forth). Stay strong and pray for your health and growth. God will always give you what you need, but not always what you want...and sometimes that is actually a good thing.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Counting the time after our separation in 2008, my wife and I have been "together" for 7 1/2 years. In 2008, I was "functionally alcoholic" (though didn't consider myself to be alcoholic) and so was she - we'd been together married 4 years and together 6 years at that point.
I had done some pretty mean things to her, when drunk or sober, but especially often when we were out together in a bar singing karaoke; and she began to stop going out with me to sing. But she kept going out on her own. She met a guy who asked if she was married and invited her to breakfast - she said she was married but sure, she wouldn't mind going to breakfast. The rest is history, she cheated on me for about 4 months and though I knew the guy and suspected SOMETHING was going on, I had no clue that she was physically cheating or the full extent either. I was as in love with her as you are with your ex.
Anyway, at the end of that four months, one night I was drunk, went by his house and saw her car parked there once again. Though it was still completely suspicion and fear that something COULD happen, no clue that it already WAS, I threw a huge rock through his picture window, went home and threw all her jewelry-making equipment out onto the lawn - thousands of dollars worth of stuff, damaging most of it - this was her life, what she loved to do. Needless to say, we broke up the next day. But before this, she had already been talking about moving out because of my anger, and I had been trying to convince her to stay.
After she moved out, I still didn't know she was having an affair with the other guy. I kept seeing her, we talked almost daily for another year and a half. We still talk. I got sober 6 months after she moved out thanks to a DUI. She got sober 9 months after that thanks to her own DUI. This was November 2009, and we had still been seeing each other and having sex semi-regularly, all the time she was still seeing the other guy and neither of us knew she was seeing both of us. Then I met somebody new in November. Suddenly my wife felt the urge to tell me about the full extent of her cheating - to "protect" me from this new person I was with, since she had gone through my cell phone messages and saw that this new person was doing the same thing she was doing.
Anyway, end of the story is not much of an ending. I've been seeing the new person off and on for 3 months, and seeing my wife off and on too. At times I think I've forgiven her and we're going to start a new life together. At times I think it's just not meant to be. But I'm finally starting to be able to detach from her. And I think she is detaching from me too, and that it's also difficult for her. (Of course, now a third person has come into the picture). It's been a long difficult decision to make. Nothing comes easy when it comes to relationships, at least not for me; and one thing I know for sure is that right now I don't have the slightest clue how to have a healthy relationship with anyone. But I've got a better chance of learning how if I stay sober. This idea that my wife and I were meant for each other, that we were meant to be together, it's a very strong, powerful idea that takes over me (and I think it sometimes takes over her as well). But it may not be TRUE. I may not really know what God (or Life, or Fate) really has in store for me and for her. I do believe that we'll be very good friends no matter what when it's all over. I believe a recent quote I saw here may apply:
When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. -- Helen Keller
Hope this helps, and good luck!
Glenn
-- Edited by FlyingSquirrel on Sunday 21st of February 2010 07:21:01 PM
Steve, you know what, I was pretty much set on getting my ex back when I came into AA, and until I let go of HIM, along with some other 'old ideas' I didn't want to let go of, I couldn't get sober.
Today I can say that if I had got what I thought I wanted back then, I would have lived a very miserable life, and doubt I would have stayed sober for all these years. You see, I was told that I didn't have all the picture, but that there was one with all power who DID have the fuller picture, and who knew what I NEEDED, and all I had to do was let go and let 'GOD' (in any way I wanted to understand it) get on with MY life.
GOOD IS THE ENEMY OF THE BEST I was also told, and this I CAN tell you is very true. My list of 'Things I will do when I get sober' did not materialise THANK GOD for I was selling myself WELL SHORT of what I really needed and deserved once I learnt what living sober was all about.
-- Edited by Avril G on Monday 22nd of February 2010 10:29:36 AM
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Serenity is Wanting what you have, not having what you want
Always remember non-alcoholic beers are for NON-ALCOHOLICS
I guess she had the new guy at my old house sunday... he met my son... :( not much I can do though, ... 23 days sober and started my new job yesterday.. gotta keep striving and give the rest to my HP...
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
It's pretty hard to compete with the excitement of infatuation, when you're the old standby and there are so many bad feelings to deal with, while the new guy hasn't done anything bad yet. It sucks, I know. And even now, for me, it's been nearly two years since she met this guy and somehow she can't dump him even though she knows it's unhealthy at this point. Not that I'm sure I'd want her back anyway - I'm just letting you know, there's a good chance that your relationship with her as you knew it is now over and as hard as that probably is to swallow (sometimes it's even hard for me still) life does go on. And at some point, you may get to experience the excitement of infatuation once again with someone new - hopefully someone you can have a healthy relationship with. But there's a lot of work to do first (for both of us).
Yes I know its just 9 years is such a long time that we were together.... I dont know how she can just give that up
I gave up 21 years with my husband. In the beginning he tried everything to get me to to leave my abusive BF & get help. Even put me up in a motel for a week & was going to get me an apt & pay the bills, etc until I could get back on my feet. I ended up going back to the BF & ended up in jail & rehab. My DH threw his hands up & we haven't spoken since 2007. I had to accept that it was over. Currently we're still married but been seperated all this time. I've went on with my life dating & he's seeing someone now also. I'd filed for a divorce & wasn't notified of the court date & the divorce fell through. Just never took the time to re-file. You've got to get help for yourself & nobody else or this won't work!!
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Rheinhold Niebuhr
Yes I know its just 9 years is such a long time that we were together.... I dont know how she can just give that up//
Mate, I feel for you but do you really expect the chaos and damage of your active alcoholism to a - be repaired in just a few days and b - expect the repair to bring your girl back?
stay with the programme and see what happens. Sobriety first, last and always. Do it for you and you alone.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Any more advice? On what to do like should I call her, text or just leave her alone? I got 30 days sober today, a good job and everythings falling into place. I know I need to let thy will not mine be done but I cannot help the way I feel about this.
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
I don't think these things can be rushed. Remember those around you has to see the changes you're yet to make & learn to trust you all over again. From experience I feel it's too soon to start making amends with your wife...just yet. I don't see anything wrong with you keeping in touch like asking how she is doing & how your son is doing, does she or your son need anything, etc. Make sure she has $$ to care for your son, bills, etc as well as you can afford to. I wouldn't neglect your responsibilities. I'd try keeping the line of communication open without any pressures. I wouldn't run up & hug her telling her "Hey, honey I've got 30 days & a new job...how about I move back in" Probably not a good idea...yet!!;) I went so far down the path that I failed to keep any communication with my husband & while I was in jail & rehab he apparently started to move on with his life. Had I kept in contact things may have worked out differently. I'll never know. I have no idea how things will work out with you & your wife. But, had I done the things above I may have had a better chance reconciling. When me & my husband split I totally fell apart, getting involved with an alcoholic/addict/abuser within 2 weeks & my life went from bad to horrible. I'd become trapped into a lifestyle I couldn't get away from. I'd neglected my entire family including my kids. At least with you you are holding your head up & doing what you need to do to stay sober! I'm proud of what you have accomplished so far!! keep perserveiring!!!
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Rheinhold Niebuhr
I guess she had the new guy at my old house sunday... he met my son... :( not much I can do though, ... 23 days sober and started my new job yesterday.. gotta keep striving and give the rest to my HP...
Steve, I went through the same exact thing. my sobriety began when my wife and I separated for the last time. I wasn't ready to accept that until I had about 3 months. Then my parents, who are divorced from each other, each made a profound statement. My father said, "Loneliness is better than misery", and my mother said, "The greatest revenge is Living Well". Then my mother addressed the "new guy" that my x-wife jumped right into a relationship with. She said that a great deal of her attraction to him depended upon my wanting her back and being unhappy about her being with him. It took a couple of days for those ideas to sink in, but when they did I was no loner going to give my wife the satisfaction or the luxury of the option to believe that she could have me back. What sucked was I had to see her a couple times a week to pick up and drop off my son. So I told her to drop my son off at either my mother's or her mother's house and I would do the same which would make it uneccessary to have to see her, and with a set schedule and an hours difference between pick up/drop off I didn't need to speak to her very often and when I did, I limited it to one or two sentences, no mater what. I told her that I wished her and her newbie the best and all the happiness in the world and that my only wish was to have as little to do with her as possible. Once I did that, and let go of the idea of every being with her again, I experienced a great freedom like I was just released from a million pound press squeezing me to the point I thought for sure that I was going to pop.
Of course this didn't sit well with her as she lost control of me immediately and the option of returning to a relationship with me which left her feeling very vulnerable with the newbie. As my mother predicted (she had 15 years of sobriety at the time) my x-wife dropped the new guy in a month or two after and began persuing me. Natural I didn't want what I knew that I could have and I never looked back. I regret admitting that I did enjoy watching her agonize, like I had once done, over the realization that it was over, and for her it took many many years to get over it. On the "living well" side. I began my own business a few months after she and I split up and that was an immediate success and I have enjoyed a couple decades of way more income than I could possibly need or use, on the average ten times what my x-wife made on a good year (sorry that I don't fully understand humility yet lol). And again, I never rubbed it in, but when I took my son on 4 or 5 great vacations each year around the country and around the world, she got the picture. I also thoroughly enjoyed being a bachelor for 6 years. I did all those things that only a single guy with resources could do. I indulged myself with the things that my x-wife told me I couldn't buy, even though, when we were together, I worked two jobs while she went to college for 5 years (figure that one out).
During that 5 years, I made it a goal to learn how to be a healthy person and how to recognize and attract another healthy person for the prospect of a long term relationship once I was done with having such a wonderful relationship with just myself. I wrote requirements that "that person" would have to have in order to qualify to be in a relationship with me. I abandoned all the notions and rules and preferences (my old ideas absolutely) in favor of "the new deal". Then about a year after moving to a beach in florida, I was introduced, by a old friend's wife, to a wonderful but fiercely independent woman. We dated only a few times in a period of 3 months. There was no fireworks (and no sex) and we were both quite busy with the "Life" that we each had. I introduced her to scuba diving and we began diving that summer. At the end of the summer we stopped seeing each other, the relationship didn't seem to be getting off the ground, do to lack of interest on both of our parts. This was so opposite of a typical codependent relationship where two people bond over a weekend, telling each other their life story and fusing together like welded metal. There was still a lot that we didn't know about each other, and she didn't understand my sobriety, and why after years of abstinence that I attended AA meetings regularly. She couldn't drink either due to her diabetis (you think I'd remember how to spell it after 16 years lol.) What had happened over that summer was I noticed and had intense appreciation for this woman's moral compus, character, honesty, and her ability to take care of herself and her finances. And she never complained, in fact when I asked her why she never complained (it was noticeable and delightful) she taught me about the 3 C's - "Don't criticize, don't condemn, and don't complain". I'm thinking that's about all that my x-wife ever did. So during the month that we didn't see each other, at the end of that summer, I was thinking that I could learn to love this great woman and perhaps she could learn to love me, but it would be different than any other relationship then I'd ever been it, and rightly so as she was a different person (more on that later).
So what ever happened to my x you might ask. Well our son, who was a 2 yo when we split up, came to live with me at age 12. She had met and married some random biker guy, who didn't want to work, but was the a replacement for me in the drinking/smoking department. Their marriage was similar to our previous one, with multiple separations (her way of trying control) and his leaving for the last 3 years. She got a call around Christmas that he was in a coma in an ICU in New Orleans (the poor bastard did for me, what I couldn't do for myself, someone had to do it I guess). They wanted her to come to the hospital and pull the plug because she was still legally his wife. Run Steve Run
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Wednesday 3rd of March 2010 04:10:24 AM
