I bought a mug early on in sobriety - a half litre, berghaus insulated aluminium mug. I toted it round the meetings to keep my tea hot.
One meeting I was bemoaning afterwards that my wife doesn't trust me, 'why can't she see how I've changed, why can't she see how well I'm doing?' that sort of thing.
A chap (repeat relapser, striaghtened out today) said, 'look at you're mug, there's the answer.'
So I looked and under the Berghaus Logo is their strap line
'Trust is Earned.'
Bugger! That'll be it then.
When active,the level of trust continually dropped (unless you count the fact that people would trust me to get off my tits at every oppertunity)
So now I believe that people will trust me all the way some of the time, some of the way most of the time but never all of the way all of the time. As each day goes by and each sober day adds to each sober day, more people trust me more of the time, this is what I'm earning now. Please God I never get to believe that evryone should trust me all of the way all of the time.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Hey Bill. Excellent post. I was lucky enough to have "moved away" from my past. My sobriety started with a fresh move for work and I was very lucky to start work with a clean record. I was lucky to only have to "earn" the trust of my immediate family--and that was not easy, but with those I hurt in the past I made ammends and started a new life. I found it to be a real blessing and I thank my HP for this easy path when I hear of others working a more difficult situation. Congrats on the trust you have earned. I trust you. Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
TG I moved away also, but time heals all wounds. Bill some people are addicted to fear, guilt, anger, and resentments. If they are prone to victimizing themselves (as al-anons and codependents frequently are) then not trusting plays right into make some one a villain, because you can very well be a victim without a villain. Not expressing a care about what those people want or think, generally takes that power away from them. Instead of trying to create a space for myself in their life, I give them the opportunity to earn a spot in mine. No effort on their part = "oh well" on mine.
Yes very valid Bill! Our 23 year old son ,a recovering Heroin addict ,is living with us and has taken us to the cleaners during active use.We have told him that 'Trust will have to be earned" and it may take a very long time.As it was for me, being around others.I know sadly to say "guards" will always be up.Until he moves out(soon with help of social services) we don't leave things around.I l also surrender to God my nature of "mistrust" and immediate blaming techniques I used so well when I was actiive.These shortcomings on my part were very large part of my 6th /7th step removal and humbly surrendering to God.process...To this day I still put my intials on "everything"MTF more so SO i wouldnt have your stuff.Back in active addiction,Notorius for keeping your lighter,cup,cigarettes,anything I borrowed or stole.I slowly am removing lot of these things,seems to be taken some time though ,like my lifetime!!!!!
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Yeah, I realised how true this is when at around 2 years 'sober' I was bemoaning the fact that my eldest daughter STILL checked for half bottles under the mattress!! It took a VERY BRAVE and very sober member to point out that although I KNEW I had stopped drinking, my kids saw nothing in me that suggested I had changed any, so how did THEY know I wasn't still drinking?
I think it took me up until 5 years without a drink to change my alcoholic thinking and behaviour, yet right from that first day off the drink I expected pats on the back, and sulked when I got none.
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Serenity is Wanting what you have, not having what you want
Always remember non-alcoholic beers are for NON-ALCOHOLICS
