Well I have a grudge that I can't seem to purge, no matter how many times I 'turn it over'.
My two oldest kids are in the local Mentoring Program, kinda like Big Brothers & Big Sisters. My daughter has been with her Mentor for three years and benefits tremendously from having a relationship with an adult who has no requirements or expectations of her, like a parent or teacher does. It's a totally unqualified role-model relationship. We want our kids to have adults in their lives to which they are not 'accountable' and can just be themselves with freely.
My son's first Mentor was Mr. Cool and my son adored his time with him. The Mentor abruptly terminated the relationship without explanation or closure of any kind. The Mentor got a new family of his own and simply didn't have time. I understand, but my son was crushed...in his silent, sullen, "I'm okay...really" way. His second Mentor is female and they just don't click.
Tonight was the Mentoring Program annual banquet. My daughter & her Mentor were recognized together and my son's mentor didn't even show up. He was the only Mentee without his Mentor.
I am having a HELL of a time forgiving my son's first mentor for not having the stones to show up and make damned sure my son knew it wasn't about him. My son feels like crap and despite what me, his Mom and the Mentoring Program director tells him...he still thinks it's something wrong with him.
Mr. Cool hurt my son deeply and I can't fix it. I asked Mr. Cool to just call him or stop by and explain why...give my boy some closure, and he won't do it. I don't know why. He seems like such a nice, reasonable, mature person.
I have the wisdom to know that I can't change this...but I'm having a hell of a time accepting it. My son was fighting so hard to hold back tears tonight. I'm trying SO HARD to forgive Mr. Cool...but he hurt my cub, and once that biological circuit breaker is popped...I don't know how to re-set it.
Aquadude, the guy is a dick for sure and I'm certain that he's got issues, but you're letting that dick live rent free in your head. Spend that energy figuring out how to explain to your son that Mr. Cool is not so cool and must be having some problems to have just disappeared like that. Turn a negative into a positive and teach your son how to deal with abandonment issues.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Tuesday 16th of February 2010 10:01:57 PM
I can imagine the anger you must feel right now. He's not even my son and it pissed me off just reading that story. Wish I had some great response, but I don't. What do you think about saying a prayer for the guy? He's obviously got something going on... anyone nice enough to volunteer for something like that would have to be in a real bind to bag out and then do something that results in the exact opposite feeling the program is geared toward. You know? Maybe send him a card saying you hope everything is okay. How's that?
Not that you asked for the analysis...but...here I go... These mentors don't get enough education in termination. What I am guessing happened truly is not a reflection on your son, but really a lack of nuts on the part of the mentor. I am guessing he probably felt he was getting too close to your son and to spare his own ego he just vanished and let go. I don't know if your son is going to understand the idea that the mentor probably liked him too much (not in a sick way either, but starting to think of him as family and maybe that scared him). That is my best guess... But like Dean said, it is a chance for your son to learn about abandonment and loss. There are all kinds of reasons why people vanish from our lives and 99 percent of the time it has more to do with them than us....Just reassure your son how awesome he is and that nobody else needs to know that as much as he needs to know it himself (and that it's okay to miss someone for a while).
Mark
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Aquaman, You're right: It sucks. I grew irritated as I read your description of the mentor's behavior. I won't even try to justify or explain it, since I wasn't there, but I'm very sorry your son was hurt. I am the adult child of an alcoholic, so I know a little something about being let down. I understand what it means to do everything "right" and being disappointed anyway. You have an opportunity here, however difficult, and I hope you will read this in the spirit that it is intended. If your drinking days were anything like mine, then you lied and failed to follow through. Perhaps you didn't keep promises or respect other's feelings. My point is that this mentor probably is not the first person who has let your son down: He has had this experience before. You are fortunate that your children are young enough so know you as a sober parent. I am 51 years old, and still have never had a parent in recovery. Your anger is understandable, and I can appreciate that you may be communicating to your son that you believe he deserved better. But maybe---in a round-about way---you have a chance to start making some amends....and to forgive yourself.
-- Edited by murrill on Wednesday 17th of February 2010 12:49:46 PM
In your note or call to him, did you tell the Mentor that your son was really suffering from a feeling of being abandoned?.
Second, can you call the Mentoring Program, and see that he gets another male mentor..(personally, if it was me, I would want to talk to the Director of the Program and talk about how this guy just dumped my Son, without warning.....do they take the time to match up personalities, like they do in Big Brother, Big Sister.
I share all that has been said about the jerk, one hard lesson for a child, as in the trust arena.......my thinking on this Post when you mentioned a strong grudge......well I immediately went in my memory to that saying of Resentments KILL.
Keeping your Recovery in FRONT of everything....this would be one of those times, my take....
Something that has worked for me and hundreds if not thousands of others is that Prayer when a resentment is stirring in us. That Prayer is that for two weeks you Pray for this man, wishing him everything in life that you ever want, and the Prayer is that HE has all these things first.....
You don't even have to believe it when you begin, but doing it anyway, it is nothing less than a small miracle, that when you keep saying this Prayer for him, EVERYDAY, I have found that way before the two weeks are up, the resentment has vanished. and Completely.....it has never failed to amaze me.
So wishing you and your son and family all the best.
have to add, I think you are one GREAT DAD!! Rob, good work!
I would have difficulties with this mentor because he could just go and do this to another child. I think he had responsibilities to your son as he took on that role. By all means he had the right to withdraw from the relationship but he needed to do that in a proper fashion. This is not an adult he was dealing with so I would call the director if it was me, or I might write to the director outlining what happened but not from anger and not to pay him out but as a direct action to protect vulnerable boys like your son. I think this mentor needs your prayers but I do not think he needs to be enabled, ignored or let off. I might discuss it with my son first and respect his wishes. I had a situation like this with my son on a teacher matter and my son asked me not to proceed. I respected that but my son knew he could count on me to do what was right and we could let it go if we chose but not choose too if that was the decision.
Thanks ya'll! I really appreciate all your input and so much of what ya'll said is spot-on. Talked to my shrink today, and after getting a history and de-constructing my feelings, she said pretty much what you guys said, but not for free
We (he & I) have to accept that other people can & will disappoint us, that Mr. Cool didn't intend to hurt my son, Mr. Cool had a lot to deal with and most importantly... 1) make time for him to express his feelings to me 2) show my son that I am not angry with Mr. Cool 3) fully explore all the spin-off feelings; guilt, regret, rejection, inferiority, anger etc. 4) ask my son to if I have ever disappointed him and how should we deal with that today
When I talked to him and said "You know you're awesome right?", he replied "If it weren't for my modesty, I'd be perfect!"
Amazing. Absolutely amazing. Now...I think I can forgive Mr.Cool. Still, I wish I had the divinity to have forgiven him unconditionally, without having to do something about the harm done. Oh well, like a friend of mine from the Southern U.S. used to say "Can't all be perfect man...ain't enough crosses to go around."
Thanks...Friends!
Peace, Rob
-- Edited by Aquaman on Wednesday 17th of February 2010 08:22:59 PM
Your post caused me to shed a tear. I really felt both for you and your little cub. Physical pain.
Clearly some stuff I need to look at.
To be completely honest, I struggle with forgiveness in situations like that. I really do.
But that is where I need to grow. I realise that.
Love to you and your cub and good for you for taking on board the very wise suggestions made.........I hope I can have the wisdom and growth to turn a situation around like that when I need to.
Well, I'm willing to be the nay-sayer and maybe start a whole new debate: I think there are times that the quick ability and willingness to forgive are over-rated.
Maybe because other things just need to get worked out first, or maybe just because.
Sometimes I need to hold back on the forgiveness because I am trying to force something to happen before I am through being mad/hurt/whatever. When I do that, I'm not really being genuine, which is not good for me or anyone else. Sometimes I focus so much on the "I should forgive" so I don't have to deal with everything else that gets kicked up.
I bet if you just love your kid, everything else will fall in place when and how it should.
Something I've learned through working the 12 Steps is how much I DON'T know about just living.
You Brits will get this metaphor and maybe some Yanks who've experienced them. Roundabouts.
If you're driving along, encounter one and have no idea how to negotiate it, you'll end up in the middle going in circles until ya figure your way out. Alcoholism and recovery is kinda like that. When we're drinking, we don't know how to travel through these roundabouts. As we recover...we learn how to navigate these things without getting stuck going in a circle.
Oh, that's good - look kids, there's parliament etc.
And as for the instant shift to forgiveness - well that would be nice provided it isn't forced, sometimes one has to live with the pain to learn.
When I feel that one of my kids has been hurt, I get ready to rampage, then remind myself that this is old behaviour, that I used to behave like that to my own kids when I was active, that it hurts everyone and helps no-one. But it takes time to get there.
Similarly my trait for rescuing people. A buddy comes to me with a problem (OK usually a woman) and I'm polishing up the shield and sharpening the sword and strapping on the armour and getting the white horse out the stable and then I realise that they haven't asked for my help (rescue), so here I am clanking around in my armour, with my shield and sword and no where to go and nuthin to do. Take it all off again and put the horse away. Lot less effort to leave the horse in the stable and leave the sword, sheild and armour getting rusty in the cupboard.
Taken me a long time to realise that in general blokes want your ideas and solutions, but women want to share their feelings but don't actually want any solutions. (bit of a generalisation there I know, but men are from Mars aren't we.) [Ooooh, I feel i'm gonna get flamed now.]
__________________
It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Taken me a long time to realise that in general blokes want your ideas and solutions, but women want to share their feelings but don't actually want any solutions. (bit of a generalisation there I know, but men are from Mars aren't we.) [Ooooh, I feel i'm gonna get flamed now.]
BB - yes, even as a woman I tend to agree with you !
I also agree that men do seem to like ideas and solutions........er.........as long as they don't come from a woman! ! ! ......HOWEVER brilliant those ideas or solutions are ! *giggle*
A woman at my meeting last night told how she forgave a close friend of 25 years for now taking up with her recent ex-, after a torturous break-up. It boggles my mind. She says the key was staying tight with HP.
Well, I'm willing to be the nay-sayer and maybe start a whole new debate: I think there are times that the quick ability and willingness to forgive are over-rated.
Maybe because other things just need to get worked out first, or maybe just because.
Sometimes I need to hold back on the forgiveness because I am trying to force something to happen before I am through being mad/hurt/whatever. When I do that, I'm not really being genuine, which is not good for me or anyone else. Sometimes I focus so much on the "I should forgive" so I don't have to deal with everything else that gets kicked up.
Leeu I gotta call bs on that. If you immediately forgive/accept the situation, you won't be getting "mad/hurt/whatever" in first place (unless you want to ) and there won't be an unresolved issue to deal with later. I'm not talking about stuffing feelings, I'm talking about pause, followed by rational thought to negate the feelings before they manifest themselves. Feelings are not facts, are most often they are inappropriate, assuming, self victimizing... When we get all worked up about something, we're creating baggage. The more that we do this, the more messed up we get as the associated baggage piles up, after awhile, every situation seems victimizing to us. Believe me I understand the allure of using the right side of the brain, but that's the side that beat me up, where the feelings are. The less that I let my brain figure out about situations the better off that I am.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Sunday 21st of February 2010 10:58:52 AM
I have a grudge that I can't seem to purge, no matter how many times I 'turn it over'.
