Finally getting through step 4

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Finally getting through step 4

mikef · MIP Old Timer

Way to go Mark,what was really cool for me was finally realizing what 'the exact of a lot of things that occurred in my life were and how some of things I did really had those repeating underlying things going on that I really wasnt aware of until it kept"poppin up on the page"!!!!I defintely suggest"all " secrets have to be brought to light"(for me there were things I hung on to from early days as a young boy telling my confession to a priest and leaving the "hard parts" out.)Carried them and built on them for many years.Right now only think of what the inventory is ,not about telling it,it may keep you from putting it down..DO THE 4TH AS IF THERE IS NO 5TH.......Identify characteristics you may want to keep and those you need to change and continually ask the God of your understanding for the strength to be completely honest.Remember 'fearless " means going ahead despite our fear.And even though the 4th step is an inventory of ourselves,when we begin writing and looking at resentments,fears ,behaviors,beliefs,secrets etc,we will see that most may be connected to others. or organization or institution etc.Its okay to write about others as long as it brings us to 'our part in the situation.Sometimes its a little hard to separate the parts...Free yourself,the blessing is overwhelming smile

These are some of the things that helped me,I believe thru God's guidance you will find the things for you.......peace........

murrill · Veteran Member

Mark,
I think that the word "freeing" is an appropriate one. Like you, I delayed working on this step. I'd write a little, put it aside...not making much progress until I was into my second year. I chose to use the format suggested in the BB: I'd note resentments (for example) that I had for someone & recognize what was at the bottom of them. I discovered that I wasn't a bad person; I was someone who operated out of a lot of fear.

Someone told me that they thought the journey amounted to a step a year---although they didn't mean to wait that long before working them! Point was that they believed that spiritually they were at that pace. I've had to do more than one fourth step. Sometimes I remembered things, or perhaps I could see things with a clear point of view & understand the significance.

I'm glad you are having such a healing experience and that you are sharing it here. I'm sure many people can benefit from it.

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

It's progress not perfection on the 4th also Mark and if you're doing the best you can
with what you have and also have patience and openmindedness this first 4th will
lead you to the "more will be revealed" which has worked in my journey. Let your
sponsor and your Higher Power have the best you can and when it seems to be done
go on to the forth. I have heard more than a few members say that there is only one
4th in recovery and then I've heard them say lots of other stuff too. I've done progressive 4th steps...each one more searching and deeper than the one before it.
Each one guided by a sponsor and HP. My first one was the split page good on the left
bad on the right AA model. That was a challenge enough. Doing the 5th on those
4th steps revealed how the good in me and bad in me were connected to the events
in my life that I needed to help grow and make amends on. Let your sponsor and
your HP be your guide and don't for get to ask questions when you feel confused.
When you're done...own it all and open the next door.

I wish you success on this journey in getting to know who Mark is. smile

-- Edited by Jerry F on Monday 15th of February 2010 06:11:55 PM

Aquaman · MIP Old Timer

Congrats, Mark!
I found step 4 humbling and liberating...like shaving my head, but instead of my head, it was my soul.

Peace,
Rob

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Hey Mark, sounds like you're doing a good job. The worst thing you can do is get way to perfectionistic, obsess and agonize over it, which would of course triple the time to get it done. With that said, pick a date a couple weeks from now to sit down and do your 5th step, to prompt you to get it done sooner. Remember that you don't have to remember or write down everything because the object of the inventory is to establish patterns of behavior that translate to character defects. So don't worry about missing details. It's probably more important to include more positive assets. I don't think that I put any in my 15 page inventory. Goes to show how low my self esteem was at the time. sad.

newcomer · Senior Member

I am on my fourth step at the moment, but just six months sober, am happy to do this sooner rather than later, some of the speaker tapes here have some tips on the steps and one of the tapes I listen to at the moment is really great, I find it very useful,

newcomer · Senior Member

here is the link to the speaker tapes
http://www.aaspeakers.org/AA_Speaker_Tapes

-- Edited by newcomer on Monday 15th of February 2010 07:51:23 PM

ljc · MIP Old Timer

Follow the guidelines in the big book and You cant go wrong.
Do you have a sponsor to help you with this ?

Yeah .. 1 and 1/2 yrs sober is a long time to wait . I dunno how you stayed sober this long without continuation of the steps . They are meant to be worked in a timely manner.

And yep - it ain't no big deal to do the 4th.
I know it helped me tremendousley to find out what my character defects were. Cuz' I wasn't sitting around the bar with my friends boozin it up talkin about fear, anger, resentments, jealousy, critisism and the like. Nope, we didnt talk about those things.

AA is a learning experience for me and my sponsor is the teacher and Im the student.
Never to old to learn

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

My first sponsor was adamant about staying on the first 3 steps for my first year, as those are the foundation and I recognize that now. I have had a sponsor since day 6 of sobriety and called my sponsor daily. When I came into AA, I was so broken and with such low self esteem, I would not have been capable of doing this 4th step and seeing any assets at all. In the first year, I focused on building a support network and plunged myself into the middle of AA with service and such. Through that, I saw healing in others, I saw miracles of recovery, I saw myself changing some and coming to believe. Those first 3 steps got stronger. However, I did wait too long cuz I have had this feeling of "I'm sober but still crazy" for several months and now I do see the reason for progressing faster. I've been sitting on all this knowledge of my defects and not taking as much action to pray for them to be removed and to act differently. Hence, I've repeated some old dysfunctional patterns even into sobriety (i.e., relationship dependency, sloth, distancing self from family). My first sponsor only had 14 months sobriety when I started with him and he hadn't worked all the steps yet. In retrospect, I believe he was the perfect sponsor for me for the span of time that he was my sponsor, but I had to change sponsors to someone with more sobriety time and experience in order to really work these steps right. So when I changed sponsors, I started over from step 1 again. It has been going well and he is a great sponsor. Thank you all for the encouragement and I am not afraid of doing this inventory (it is mostly done actually)...I know AA is there for me. My support is there, and I can work through this stuff and change more a day at a time without drinking.

Thanks all for being here for me as I go down this road of change.

Mark

angelov8 · MIP Old Timer

Mark, I found this step great for self-insight and knowledge. Even if someone as introspective as you does this step, and for me, thought I knew myself pretty well, I found doing the work revealing in a new way and ultimately freeing.

At the first meeting with my sponsor on this step I told her, "I don't think I have any resentments." I still get a nudge with a chuckle from her about that one. I free-wrote some things, like you described, going through my life. Then I wrote out a worksheet that followed the instructions in the big book, but we added assets.

The other funny thing is that when I recognized that I do have resentments, ha! my number one was a big giant "SOCIETY IN IT'S ENTIRETY". I then assumed that they would once and for all be wiped away immediately- (not always). You don't need to even think about the next step, imagine it doesn't exist, like suggested, but just keep in mind, the steps include tools to constantly re-examine and address things as they come up, forever after.

This took the pressure off me to get absolutely everything perfect the first time. I am a bit of an over-acheiver, a worrier(attempting ex-worry wart status), and I truly wanted relief from my disease, so I followed instructions. I kept saying "confused-how exactly do I do it right" regarding this step, and my sponsor and I kept talking until there was a point at which we mutually said, it's time to move on. I was surprized, that, when I remained open, the feeling of "time to move on" came easily and naturally.

You've spent solid and invaluable time on the first three, which I consider (in my immature length of sober time), to be the most important and essential. From this point on, all in HP's time and way, you know it's working and just keep plugging away and enjoy "clearing away" the cobwebs. This is my suggestion based on my experiences.

Congratulations on your success,
Angela

Just Toni · MIP Old Timer

Hi Mark,

I think that recommendation of staying on the first three for the first year, a great one....making that Third Step the main thought, and I also really needed to really digest the first three in my own 1st year...

You have been and of course still all such an inspiration to so many people here, and sure that you offer that same solid support system to you fellows in your Meetings.

I never want to miss your imput..

So great work my friend.

One hundred big ole hugs,
Toni

Oops. had to come back and say I love your new Avatar, perfectomundoe :)

-- Edited by Just Toni on Tuesday 16th of February 2010 03:04:55 PM

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Thanks Toni :) I dunno why I didn't look for a good avatar sooner...I saw that one and it ruled!

Anyhow, to anyone new on here...that pink chip was symbolic for 60 days of sobriety. It is the color they hand out at the newcomers' meetings I went to and still go to a lot. When I found MIP, I had about 60 days sober. I am still pretty new and am okay with where I am at today but wanted to pass on that I am now over 500 days sober and this site has been a big part of that journey. Stick around guys and gals (and get involved in your local AA too if you haven't already!).

Any announcements for the good of AA? AA is good.