...not "Life Anonymous"...or something like that, lol.
I guess that I'm a slow learner (kidding), but I've finally just clicked what all you folks longer in the program have been saying -- thoroughly working this program means that we don't drink. It doesn't mean:
-- that all of our character defects will necessarily be removed; -- that our HP won't let us make mistakes; -- that people won't still do things to us that aren't very nice; -- that everyone in the Fellowship will be saints; or -- that the weedeater won't break, etc.
I finally, really just caught onto that last night. I guess that for a long time there I really was thinking that there was some form of magic in the Steps, that nothing will ever go wrong again or that I won't still be lazy, depressed, procrastinate, etc. sometimes.
I somehow kept tuning out when sober folks said at the end of when things went wrong or went right: "but I don't need to drink on it today" and that they now have the tools to do deal with the situation, without a drink.
I can see that in fact what that expectation of magic in the Steps really was was the cunning, baffling, powerful disease that we have trying to throw me off with the thought "see, things still went wrong, so why bother working this program or going to meetings" -- which in turn means, back to the beer.
Good to know that today. I may forget that tomorrow and go right back to the expectations of an AA fairytale -- but I know that today.
You can make changes overnight and that saying "life shows up" is always appicable. God and AA won't save you from everything, but it gives you the safety net to cope and not drink over things. Also working those steps allows you to be present for others when bad things happen. Life won't always be peachy, but it will always be better on the whole than it was when I was drinking. When drinking, I had no support system. If someone close to me got sick, I would get drunk. I wouldn't see them in the hospital... If a relationship went wrong, I would get drunk instead of learning anything and I would just find another dysfunctional relationship. If something was going wrong at work, I would get drunk and continue to go into work feeling crappy and spreading around my negativity. So, while problems happen, AA helps me live in the solution a lot better than checking out, making situations worse, and just being incapable of handling life. Thanks for the post Steve, it reminds me of why I stay sober even though life isn't always the way I want it to be.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
SteveP, You are correct: Life continues to happen once we are sober. the difference became that I had choices about how I responded. Funny thing, though: The longer I stayed sober the less frequently I had bad days. I was boing more responsible, I was caring for the relationships in my life, and I was learning from mistakes. I burned fewer bridges. For all of my pie-in-the-sky expectations of AA and being sober that were not exactly true...well, if I could have written the script for it I would have sold myself short.
hehehe. yeah I remember way way back i used to go to meetings at this hall where they had the twelve stops posted on the wall and I'd do them in my head. I figured by the time I got to step 7 I'd be as pure as driven snow, all my character defects would be gone, I'd start writing for the grapevine, go on a speaker circuit and every newcomer that crawled through the doors would immediately sense my spiritual gianthood, they'd beg me to sponsor them, we'd go to roundups together and they would brag in meetings about how sober I was getting them.
well it didn't work out quite the way I planned. I still have all my defects. no one has dubbed me a saint yet. I do write for the grapevine -- ok that part worked out -- and I do have a speaker circuit comprising about a 60 mile radius and only because those small towns don't have many members and they only ask me cause they're tired of their own guys, I do sponsor a few people but only because I belittled them into getting one like me so much that they agreed just to get me off their back, we do go to roundups together and they do talk about me a lot, but I don't think they're bragging.
so, you're right. heck I can't even afford a weed eater.
What an ephifany! I second the other replies. I do think there is a sort of "magic" in the steps, however it doesn't work as I design it. It's HP magic, which I don't claim to have any control over. Humanity still happens. When I work the steps there is more forward progress and my step is lighter, even when dealing with the bad.
After all of the new program stuff and the learing how to "walk it" became a habit the situation boiled down to one simple realization for me. "There is no law written that says I have to drink." I drank. I drank a lot and at one point it almost took my life. I drank and watched my livelihood and possessions and marriage and other relationships disolve and so I drank because it was usual and easy to do and I had gotten use to loosing and still there was no law that said I had to. I stayed stopped and stayed in the program because living life with this program instead of my own worked so much better. Now I'm not drinking, I'm staying while life keeps staying with me. There is no law that says I gotta drink.
I'm gratefull for the thread and the responses. I needed it.
Thanks all for the responses. I was yackin' with my sponsor about the same thing today and he seemed pleased that I had finally got into my skull (at least for today) what AA can do and what it can't.
I think that this is also where the meetings are really important for me. Although fortunately now I'm viewing through a different lens the "thanks to AA I'm leading a life beyond my wildest dreams" crowd -- in other words, I'm not going to expect heaven on earth as a result of AA, which I was starting to for a while there -- meetings help me to remember, vividly, what it was like when I was drinking every day.
It was a whole bunch worse than today, a day where I haven't had any beer and HP willing I can get through the next 4 hours and 52 minutes without one. And what will it will be like if I take that first drink.
The best thing about this 12-step programme for me is the ability to 'start my day over again'. I often get up feeling crap, you know that 'bloody lousy weathr' kinda feeling, and this can carry right on through my day, so I am restless, irritable and discontent.
IF I choose to NOTY be, I can turn the day into Happy Joyous and Free within minutes!!! Take half an hour out, do some meditaion, write a gratitude list, maybe call someone else in the programme, and then get on with the rest of the world for the rest of the day.
It happened to me this mornng, woke up to SNOW!!! Had to go into town to take Dad for his eyes testing, I was feeling pretty shite, was cold, tired (had to get up extra early) and whilst dad was having his eye test done, I popped into a couple of shoips, and on coming out of the last shop it was glorious sunshine!!! My day began again right there, so now I AM in the mood to go out for lunch with the family (2 daughters, 3 grandkids my cousin and my partner)
Knowing my 3 grandkids, once they get together, I might even need to restart the day again
I was once told that in order to not be disappointed if your days plans aren't possible (due to bad weather) make TWO plans for the da - one forood weather, one for bad weather. It works when I remember to do it.
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Serenity is Wanting what you have, not having what you want
Always remember non-alcoholic beers are for NON-ALCOHOLICS
