Don't know where else to go to confess this. I'm too ashamed to go to my AA group with this. They are all so proud of me. Today I started a week off vacation from work. I have 80 days of sobriety under my belt. Well, didn't I think that I could handle wine again!!! Just two glasses with dinner to celebrate vacation and relax. Honestly, I don't know what came over me after making it through Christmas and New Years. Well, you know better than I that once I put that glass to my lips, I couldn't stop. Did I learn my lesson? YES. That liquid is vile and I can't handle it. I now feel like I let myself and everyone who has come to mean so much to me, down. But I felt compelled to test the waters. I got sucked in to the charms of the drink, in my thinking. What is wrong with me? I so wanted to make 90 days. I'm so sorry I did this, but I couldn't stop myself.
Okay lets go for 90 dry days one at a time. Great thread you worrying about 90 days and me with 31+ years having the compulsion standup and face me off again. It's real for both of us and it doesn't care how many "did not drink" days we've had. It looks like a glass of wine but it's much more cunning powerful and baffling. You took the risk and I haven't yet. Tell me everything you thought, felt, and did before you took that drink...That is what I need to know for me.
I don't need to know what you're doing after you took the wine...I need to know the what before you took the wine.
Being teachable....
-- Edited by Jerry F on Saturday 13th of February 2010 12:35:23 AM
Make sure at your next meeting you share this. I went almost 60 days my first time around and stayed away for a month or so and when I came back my group of friends at meetings welcomed me with open arms. They may be a little disappointed but its not like they havent been there or dont get urges. Dont be ashamed, chalk it up as experience. Your story may save someone elses life!
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Yes, we can get through the big events like Christmas, easy enough, but trip up on a little pebble. A drink can be a kick up the steps as well as a fall down the stairs.
I was told early on some things. A relapse ends with a drink, so it's useful to discover what you were thinkng and doing (or not doing) in the days before you picked up the wine lgass, and not to worry about the grizzly bears in the woods, it's the teddy bear under the bed that get's you.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Great that you came back. Those drinks just may move you back towards the steps, but not being straightforward about it could bite you in the ass later. I agree with the others, you can save yourself and someone else in coming clean, by sharing your experience. This is exactly how the program works. Ditch the shame and go with the honesty. You won't be sorry. We understand.
It is not about counting days really because we all have the same problem. But, nonetheless, those 90 day, 6 month, and 9 month increments meant everything to me at the time.....And then by a year, it was habit to be in the fellowship, working the program, and not drinking. When I say it that way, it does seem pretty simple. Your relapse sounds pretty standard, though I understand how demoralizing it can feel. I hear more people going out over little thoughts and that intention to have 1 drink rather than something awful that happened. Had something horrible happened, your thoughts probably would have been "I can make it through this without drinking" over and over again. So you drank to reward yourself and to relax it sounds like. Well...shift of thinking is in order. You need to reward yourself with something nice and not something poisonous to you. Also, as alcoholics, we often isolate when we drink....especially in relapse after having been to AA. Reward yourself by doing things with sober friends...that's extra safety for you. Not to discount 80 days because each day was work for me in the beginning...but the good news is, you can rebuild the quality of your sobriety now without reservations and with the lesson your learned the next 80 and another and another and another can come fast you'll be right there again. Don't worry so much about letting other's down. Tell on yourself ASAP. You are still giving into that drink as long as you hide it from your home group.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Hi Mal, and welcome back. Like Bill said, the relapse ended with the drink. How was the wine accessible? And when was the first thought about planning to drink during your vacation from work? When that first thought happened it was time to call the sponsor and tell them "hey I was thinking about drinking". Also time to call a couple of our buddies in AA and tell them "hey I was thinking about drinking", and go to our regular daily meeting and tell the group "hey I was thinking about drinking during my vacation". There is no vacation from our disease just as there is no vacation from breathing. Our defense against the drink is communicating with others in the program when we have an urge to drink, first time every time. Once we get in these habits of picking the phone and going to the meetings, the urge gets weaker and weaker and our defense gets stronger and stronger. The other defense is knowing our MO and our "Story" about the negative stuff that's happened in our life because of our drinking. We write this down on paper and carry it around with us for awhile. When we get an urge to drink, we pull it out and read it to ourselves- "when I drink, this , this , this, that, that,that, happens/happaned/will happpen, then we call the sponsor/friends and immediately get to a meeting. If we're NOT doing these things, relapse has a great chance of happening in the first year. Once we have 30 days, if we're going to meetings Every day ( you were on vacation with plenty of time on your hands) the chances of relapse are small. When was the last meeting that you attended? When is the next meeting?
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Saturday 13th of February 2010 07:28:45 AM
Hey Mal ,glad your here!! Kinda sounds like bill w's stop at the roadside,thought he would just take a little with lunch then 'how did this happen again!!Sober time does not equal recovery.We are all 'NEWCOMERS" next day as no one has reached that day yet.Relapse is never an accident! As jerry said,what were you thinking before vacation came up?This disease lurks,whispers to us,sometimes screams at us,no matter how long we havent picked up.You may need to see if you have a reservation in your program somewhere.An inside job..I would not be so concerned of what the others will think when you get back to a meeting.This has to always be 'ABOUT YOUR RECOVERY"When you share whats going on believe me others will ;identify;and learn.There is nothing wrong with you except you are an alcoholic,struggling with disease that gets the best of them 30 minutes or 30 years!!We all think at times "now we got this"!!! I'll do it different this shot!WRONG!!! In our first step we realize we are powerless over alcohol,but we must really 'ADMIT IT' AND LET IT SINK IN,TOTAL SURRENDER.For you ,THIS CAN BE THE JARRING EXPERIENCE THAT BRINGS ABOUT A MORE RIGOROUS APPLICATION OF THE PROGRAM... Glad you made it back here,get back to your 'home'.I am getting on my knees as soon as I sign off and Thank the God of my understanding for His mercy and grace and ask again for the strength to live ;JUST FOR TODAY and know that I also am just 'ONE BAD DESCISION AWAY FROM DEVASTATION no matter how long I haven't had a drink..... PEACE
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
WOW guys! Thank-you, thank-you for your responses. All your posts really helped. I'm going to look at this as a positive experience and learn from it. I absolutely hate how I feel and look this morning. O.K., here's what I was thinking before I grabbed hold of and drank that bottle of wine. You are right, I'd been thinking about a drink for awhile. Lately I haven't been feeling very peppy - my usual self. I've been sluggish and achy. Nothing seems to be helping the aches and pains in my neck and shoulders. I sit down at night to relax with my ginger ale and watch a Netflix while I crochet and can't get comfortable. I'm used to being very active walking/running, horseback riding for hours etc. But at 59, I guess the getting old body is showing signs of wear. So I'd been thinking, "gee, this didn't seem to bother me when I was drinking." (irrational thought, huh?) Also, yesterday this thought kept building that gee, what's one or two bottles of wine a night compared to other stories I hear. Other thinking went like this - "I've made it 80 days, I've proven myself, I think I can now learn to drink responsibily." At my 4:00 massage therapy session I was told that I definitely have fybromyalgia. At least I know where all the discomfort comes from, but I was mad that I wasn't told before this. I've been in treatment for years. So leaving that appointment I thought about a couple glasses of wine to get comfortable. I walked into my local convience store to stock up on ginger ale and asked God to help me do the right thing (not buy a bottle of vino). Made it home with just the gingerale. But I got home and started rationalizing with my hubby about thinking I could handle a few glasses and that I thought I needed to test the waters. He was hesitant but said if I thought I could do it then he'd go buy some wine for us. (He's still an active alcoholic, by the way). Not the right person to be asking for advice but I knew I could convince him. Also, memories of sharing a bottle over a lovely Valentine's dinner at a restaurant was lurking in my mind. I kind of had a self-talk tantrum. "Why do I have to give up all the things that other people do?" Yes, lots of thinking going on. In retrospect, it seems that indeed I was quite a busy bee thinking of all the reasons I SHOULD drink! What I'm realizing this morning is that I need to recommit to the program and WORK it. I've been sliding by with one meeting a week and two daily readings from those little bitty daily reflections books. I'm going to another meeting tonight and at my regular meeting on Tuesday, I'm going to ask a woman to be my sponser. I need one! To quote a Neil Young song, "Everybody Knows this is Nowhere." I really don't want to go back. Thanks for the advice to swallow my shame and tell the truth at my home meeting. I will. With time off from work I do have the opportunity to go to more meetings. I have other issues going on as well that I need to work on with some diligence. My home environment is extremely important for my well being. It's gotten so out of control with clutter and junk that I can't feel any energy except anger when I get home. Anger at my husband and myself. Myself for being a shopaholic and at him for not having ANY neat gene whatsoever. There's not one surface that isn't covered with newspapers, mail, and stuff that won't fit in a closet. Trying to clean it up seems overwhelming to me - like a Mount Everest to climb. I can't seem to find the energy to tackle it. This issue makes me crazy and dealing with it is another key to staying sober. Thanks for listening and responding. I love this board and do come here between meetings. MAL
Re-read the 1st step and mull it over. If you are so caught up in shame, or guilt, or pride, that u can't go to AA and say you have a desire to not drink (yes, again) maybe u r still thinking you control this thing. Posted with love-just in case that's unclear.
Get a big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Read the first 164 pages. Then find yourself a God, a woman sponsor who is capable of guiding you thru the 12 steps and get busy. Pray, dont drink, work the steps.
All the other stuff like the stuff that is bothering you can be taken care of and addressed at a later time. You need to focus on staying sober at the moment. If in fact that is what you want to do ??
This is my first time into the program & I'm 2 weeks from having 2 years. I've never relapsed but know that it's possible. Honestly that's how I found this website about 2 weeks ago is because I was ready for a drink & didn't want it although my sick mind was telling me to go ahead & have one. As a friend once told me. I only look down on a drunk when I'm extending my hand to them to pick them back up. Don't be so hard on yourself. Maybe it's one of those times when you had to go back out to truely realize that you may have a problem with alcoholism. Start over 1 day at a time. Don't count the days...make the days count!!
-- Edited by Tessa on Saturday 13th of February 2010 07:32:30 PM
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Rheinhold Niebuhr
Just back from a meeting. I was able to share about my mistake last night and it was good to talk. So many people were talking about what a hard time they're having right now - really struggling. Some little thought ran through my head - "maybe someone sitting in this room needs to hear what you have to say." I also ended up staying around after the meeting talking to another woman. I made a mistake last night thinking I was in control. I do need to get in a step meeting and will look for one in my area. I think there is a women's step on Thursday evening. I love that saying "don't count the days, make the days count." The obsessive part of me likes keeping track. I have a journal where I right a little about each day and give myself a sticker for another sober day. But somedays I wasn't really living, just trying to get to 8:00 so I'd have another day. Also, I got really sidetracked for awhile, focusing on my husband's drinking rather than my sobriety. ONE DAY AT A TIME
Let me tell you a funny story. When I had my last relapse, many moons ago, I was on a train headed for Montana. None of you all were with me when I took that drink and when I finally walked back through the swinging doors of AA, I already had a week or so. So, I didn't tell anybody I slipped. I didn't want to disappoint them. When I picked up my one year medallion, I only had nine months. By this time, a handful of people knew the truth. I couldn't keep it bottled up inside me. It was making me sick. So, I told my home group the truth and a funny thing happened. Nothing happened. Nobody said anything out of the way to me. Nobody looked let down. And most importantly, nobody judged me. The most natural thing for an alcoholic to do is to drink. Its when we don't drink that people start to take notice.
Great to see you MAL and great to see you too Steve. How many days is it now?
Good for you for coming back. I've been there. Oh yeah. All we can do is work this program.
Somebody told that me that they've never heard of someone drinking again who was going to meetings, praying every day and actively working the steps. Works for me.
Let me tell you a funny story. When I had my last relapse, many moons ago, I was on a train headed for Montana. None of you all were with me when I took that drink and when I finally walked back through the swinging doors of AA, I already had a week or so. So, I didn't tell anybody I slipped. I didn't want to disappoint them. When I picked up my one year medallion, I only had nine months. By this time, a handful of people knew the truth. I couldn't keep it bottled up inside me. It was making me sick. So, I told my home group the truth and a funny thing happened. Nothing happened. Nobody said anything out of the way to me. Nobody looked let down. And most importantly, nobody judged me. The most natural thing for an alcoholic to do is to drink. Its when we don't drink that people start to take notice.
Great to see you MAL and great to see you too Steve. How many days is it now?
I counted days all the way up to 365. It was kind of fun in a way cuz it kept me focused and it suited my nature I guess. I also attended 3 newcomers' meetings a week and they wanted to hear daycounts and clapped after them so....(me=like attention). It was only just a bit of an adjustment to stop doing it after a year and redifine sobriety a bit based on my emotional growth and making each day a better quality like stated above. Whether you count each day or not doesn't really matter because you already are making each day better by simply not drinking and working AA. What I did to get to a year is so backwards from old school AA which would say take the cotton our of your ears and put it in your mouth. I blabbed and blabbed at those beginner's meetings cuz that was the place to do it...not at speaker meetings or regular meetings as much. I complained a lot in the beginning and cried and whined a lot too. People told me they saw a transition in me at about 5 months sobriety in which I started laughing at my "problems" to the group. Nobody ever judged me. Some people did tell me to keep it simple, some stressed finding God. I was trying that...it just took time to sink in. So Steve and MAL, however you do it....just do it!
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Hey Mal, Its great to see you back in the saddle. Just put it in your experience bag for your next vacation! The same thing happened to me. After that, I just looked at vacations a little more cautiously. Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Great encouragement for me from these posts. (and wisdom too). SoberSteve, thanks! 19 meetings in 12 days - good for you. I heard someone say at a meeting that the Program takes the fun out of drinking. I really found that to be true. It wasn't fun Friday night. Even with the first half glass I felt my brain getting all fuzzy and confused and it felt uncomfortable. When I woke up after a great sleep this morning with some refreshing REM rebound, my first thought was - How on earth did my poor body EVER adjust to all that booze? I will still count days, guess I can't help myself, but in a new way. First, thanking God and then assessing whether it truly was a day spent recovering. I do have a question about counting. Do I really have to start all over again? Last night, one woman said, absolutely yes. To me it feels so sorrowful, like all my hard work, up until a week or so didn't count. I'll always think of my anniversary date as November 25th. It has so much meaning for me. How hard and fast are these rules? Are they rules or suggestions? Two women each invited me to go to a different meeting with them this week and one wants to go out for tea and scones after at an English Tea Shoppe that I love. Yippeeee! This vacation came just in time - a chance to dig back in to recovery with some new experiences. MAL
-- Edited by MAL on Sunday 14th of February 2010 06:37:42 AM
-- Edited by MAL on Sunday 14th of February 2010 06:39:04 AM
Great question, are these hard and fast rules or just suggestion?
Well I would look at the bigger picture of the disease, and if you hold onto your November 25th date, the answer to the above will surly pop right out to you.
Say you keep that Nov. 25th date at your Sobriety date, that sends a big message to your own Disease, that we all share here, IT IS O.K. TO DRINK IN BETWEEN SOBRIETY BIRTHDAYS AND THE CURRENT DATE....simply does not add up right.
It would not matter what others thought, well of course it would, at some level, but on the inside, you would be living with the truth of the matter.....it is an inside Job, and this is a great place to contemplate the Rigerous Honesty that is not a rule, or a suggestion really, but a personal choice.
Sobriety Birthdays are very special days, a day of celebration of continueus sobriety...a very humbling day to Thank God for helping myself and others to have another day of freedom from a Disease that came really close to taking my life, and just one day at a time.....that Cunning, Baffling and oh so very powerful Disease has continued to be arrested, with complete abstenance.
Happy you made it back with just two glasses of wine, for many it would mean no coming back at all......
Hope you asked this question to your sponsor.
Take care of MAL
Just my 2 cents on your question.
Thought over my response and need to add that YES it is a Suggestion, a strong one at that. But as you know we don't ever tell anyone what to do, just suggest.
Re read your Post, and I see that you are still looking for a Sponsor, hope you find one soon. That question could have easily been answered by her. That also would be a great topic to bring up at your meetings...
Wishing you the best, Toni
-- Edited by Just Toni on Sunday 14th of February 2010 03:06:44 PM
Toni, I really see your point. I'll start over. I'm still learning SO much AA wisdom. It's terrific to have all the support, advice and encouragement from long-timers. I'm hoping to have a sponser by Tuesday night. I really need one. I have a very good friend who I horseback ride with who is an addiction counselor. We have talks but we both agree that she should not be my sponser. We also go to meetings together. Thanks, Toni
