Back towards the end of November I sat down one night putting my thoughts on paper & have found this to be an ideal way to help keep me focused on my recovery. A friend told me this was a sort of freestyle poetry,. Anyway here's one that I think was my very best & expressed my feelings when I came into the program & the act of surrendering to my powerlessness & unmanagability. I still feel this way sometimes. Just thought I'd share. What kinds of things do you do to help you stay focused in your recovery from alcoholism?
November 29, 2009
I stand alone...
I go into a room full of people who are just like me. They understand exactly what I am going through. But, do they really? Can they see the pain in my eyes, the hurt in my heart, do they know what I am really thinking, how I really feel, Can they hear the pain I try so hard to keep hidden whenever I speak? I stand alone...
I sit down hoping no one will notice I am there, so I can hide. Hide from what? I do not know. As I listen to others tell their stories...Tears well up in my eyes, I try to slip away unnoticed, I wipe away the tears so no one will see me cry. I come back in hoping I wont be asked to speak. So, others wont get to know...the real me. I stand alone...
Is my pain so different than the others in the room? Am I any different than those who've spoken before me? Is my pain real or have I created my own Illusion? How long can I hide before someone breaks the barrier inside & finds me? I stand alone...
I find myself in a big dark tunnel with all paths leading to darkness. I hear my new friends calling me, I see a faint light. I back away. I am too scared to move forward, I stay there in darkness paralyzed. I remain motionless so they wont know I am there. I stand alone...
They tell me to hang in there, to keep coming back that itll get better, just wait & see. I feel so dead inside. Is this the real me? Lord, god...dont let this be me...I dont like what I see...This isnt who...I want to be. I dont want...to stand alone...
Tessa
Recovering
alcoholic/addict
-- Edited by Tessa on Friday 5th of February 2010 12:16:59 AM
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Rheinhold Niebuhr
That's awesome Tessa and it so illustrates how we all feel when we get here, but I hope that you'll finish this poem as it is a work in progress. "now We stand together so no longer do I stand alone"
(((Blushes))) Never thought I'd make a sticky post so soon! lol These writings are so much a part of how I've felt at many times before & after I've come into the program. I haven't shared them with but 2 friends. But, maybe posting them will help me & others to relate to the desperation, etc of alcoholism. I've actually stopped writing for awhile & really should get back into it as it helps calm me down when I'm edgy.
November 29,2009
I can't leave him, he's all I've got...
I find myself in a tunnel of total darkness. No light, no way out. I'm totally defenseless & scared. I can't get away from him. I can't leave him, he's all I've got...
If I try to get away he'll find me & I can't take the wrath of his pain. I can't do without him. I can't leave him alone. There's no escape. I must do as he wants to survive. There's no way out... I can't leave him, he's all I've got..
He controls me. He won't let me go. He keeps me drunk so I'll stay. I'm afraid of him & i won't tell anyone. I can't ask for help. I can't leave him, he's all I've got...
He gives me pleasure, he gives me pain. He keeps me warm on a cold winters night, I sleep with him, i wake up with him, he goes to work with me, I hold him as I cry. I take him everywhere I go. I can't leave him, he's all I've got...
I try to hide him from my family & friends so they won't know. I sneak him where ever I go. I can't leave him, he's all I've got...
Is this a friend or foe? He's my bottle I took with me everywhere I'd go 21 months ago!!!
Written by: Tessa Recovering alcoholic/addict 21 months
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Rheinhold Niebuhr
The courage to change the things I can...You're still coming. It's past November 29th and you're still here and trudging forward. Thanks!! that helps. I relate to your words also...like the others and can hear the voices of my early sponsors giving me a new set of eyes and nudges forward. Don't look for the differences...look at the similarities. When I fully realized that those is the room were mostly the same as me I felt I was home. When I felt I was home with family the fear started to subside and the gaity of recovery started to surface and that long dark tunnel finally had a light at the end of it and my sponsor told me that he had been in that tunnel for a long time also and when he got to the end of it he found it opened into the sea and the light at the end of the tunnel was actually the light on the end of a tuna. I still fall down laughing at that alcoholic imagination. Stay and learn to laugh. It's okay not to be afraid. (((((hugs)))))
Brilliant - I also wrote a lot in early days, and a couple of years ago I wrote a song which my partner wrote music for called Alcohol Blues. Many alkies find an unseen talent when they sober up.
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Serenity is Wanting what you have, not having what you want
Always remember non-alcoholic beers are for NON-ALCOHOLICS
Thank you for sharing Tessa. I'm really glad to see you adding your input and thoughts here. Letting people get to know you is scary and you are doing it here :) so good job. It helps you and it helps me as you seem to know. Thanks Tessa.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
