Well after having a pretty calm life recently, there are many changes on the horizon. My husband has been interviewing for a new job in our hometown, which is 100 miles from where we are now. He has a very specific job so it's amazing that there is even one opening right now, but he's talking to three companies about positions they have, and one pays $12k more than he's making now. It looks like there's a very good chance we'll move. Which will also mean selling our house, buying another house, and finding out about work for me.
Which brings me to the next big change: I'M PREGNANT again. I won't go into the amazingly long story, but I had a child in December 2007 and have been trying for #2 for about a year and a half. I've had two miscarriages and recently have been having problems with chronic hypertension so I was thinking of giving up. Oh, and I'm turning 42 this month, yeah. In September my doctor had put me on a medicine to help my fertility that is also needed for testing, but it threw off my cycles so he then put me on the pill to fix that. After the pill I didn't get my period back, they gave me a blood pregnancy test and it was negative, so they put me on a medicine to get my period back. It never came, so I went to the doctor thinking it was really bad news and BAM - I'm pregnant. I defied nature and got pregnant without ever having a period. Shocked the doctors. And funny, I had just given up on the thought of another child. Hahaha God!
This is all very good news, wonderful life changes. Still, my mind turns to the negative possibilities. What if I'm put on bedrest, or in the hospital because of my blood pressure? What if there is a problem with the child? What if I end up with a preemie or stillbirth? What if moving becomes a huge financial strain and I don't have a job in the new city? I could go on and on. So here, I pray:
God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change The courage to change the things I can And the wisdom to know the difference
I think I have a strong faith, until I am faced with change and the truth of the variety of outcomes life often has. I have weathered so many storms in sobriety, and just as important, stayed sober and happy through many many good life happenings. I'm excited but not allowing myself to really see how wonderful my life is (because the moment - that is what matters). I pray but I have to add "and help me mean it" to the end - something I've had to do on and off since early sobriety.
So that is my update, sorry its so long but I'm so glad you are all here! (especially because it doesn't matter where I live with all of you!!!)
Thank you for sharing your great news here@MIP, Jen. Your new miracle growing in your inner truly is a gift Godwilling & you must be so overwhelmingly pleased. I hope you may bloom & enjoy both your children together, having had some practice already! I'm excited for your partner & this arising new beginning. It is brave to allow ourselves to dare enjoy the possibility of new experiences of happiness & security though of course we aim to live in each day wholey & fully whilst surrendering the fears of projection.
Somewhere in the middle of this I always think I need to worry just a little about future happenings so that I may prepare.. I don't know how useful this is because when situations occur I can & will do for them then. I say this because I was frightened this morning & today's daily reflections reading regarding faith brought tears to my eyes as I wasn't feeling very faithfilled at all. I was worried about my future, my employment, my relationship, my sanity, my abilities. Yes despite my prayer they were piling up on top me in the light of my recent mistakes.
I'm new to Coda recovery & it seems that all of my traits & behaviours in that area are hitting me in the face with recent slips. I know that really this is simply pre-recovery stuff as I am coming to understand & learning how to be able to work Step 1 around it so I am going to be messy in this way for awhile. Just like I was when I was new to sobriety & found it hard to stay away from the first drink in my first few months. I slipped several times before I began to learn how to use the program.
You might think I can just work the AA steps around this issue for me but there are more insights & another Step 4 in the Coda program for me to do to realise how, when & why I'm acting out or misbehaving so it isn't as easy as that. I'm sure I'll be able to consolidate the two well in a year or two's time. I have an open mind about how long or what it may take & I know it might even click sooner.
I guess the point I'm making is that I fluffed up a few times in the last week or two & it's undermined my confidence which taps into my shame & affects my sense of worth. This is dangerous for me with my head as pretty soon I can be giving my power away to the world & thinking I'll be rejected, abandoned, annihilated, disempowered, decrepit & all other such feared imaginings. This is where my lower power can take me. Reading your post & my faith in knowing that, come what may, all will be & could even be right now ok for you, gave me courage to know that (perhaps!) even for me this must be & can be true.
Having faith for you renews my faith for me & keeping my love in God. I feel like my fear & the things I can be afraid of disqualifies me from this love & that all my worst thoughts could come true by self-fullfilling prophecy especially because & if this fear meant God would forsake me. I know God will not forsake me. The God of your understanding will not forsake you either. Even if in my self doubt I couldn't feel or know this, my unconditional love for you teaches me again that neither of us will be forsaken. Just for Today.
I don't know what the big difference is because sometimes things will & do go wrong but if I can keep my hope by reaching out in love & fellowship to another alcoholic, it is one of the many tools to keep me brave & encouraged for another moment & perhaps to even be of use to another.
I am grateful to be sober today. I wouldn't be if it was not for this program. I can see that you've worked continuously & consistently hard to work & keep this program in your life. You deserve to be & to keep your happiness today, Jen & to be unafraid. I love what you've shared with us today. You have helped me to share my heart & the needlessness of my fear too that I may let it go a little more & move back into God's love. We are both worth it & I love the wonderful things that are coming up for you.
Please keep us posted & sharing your ESH with us. I respect your sobriety & I hope that I may grow & have what you have as I grow too. Thank you for your fellowship & your example. It's good to be sober today. Thank you. In faith for God's love & each other, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
"Having faith for you renews my faith for me & keeping my love in God. " -
Danielle that is so powerfully true! Thank you for sharing your own journey, just reading your post helps me to get out of myself and think of the joy of someone else's life path. And funny, I've been going to a few more Al-Anon meetings myself recently which has given me strength in yet another way.
And as a side note, I love that you said you "fluffed" some things up. I like that wording so much, not only because it is acceptable, but because it puts a light, humorous spin on it. Go ahead, fluff up! We'll all still be here and love you just as much!
It never took long after receiving really good news for my mind to turn to all the what if's.
Thank goodness, since the program, it happens a lot less but it does still happen! Kind of a default setting for me!
After each event, I can honestly say that I say to my HP everytime "HP I promise I won't doubt you again. You have really showed me I can trust you 100%"
Problem is, the same pattern happens again and again! Like I say alot less now though ! !
I recognized myself so much in your share! !
Nowadays, I try to take each day as it comes , not project and have faith in my HP! Note the words 'I try' ! ! ! Not saying I always manage it! But I do feel less overwhelmed if I do do that.
According to Bill W - freedom from fear is a lifetime's undertaking and none of us truly achieve it totally ........so............Progress not perfection Louisa!
Congrats Simple, I'm praying for a healthy delivery. I took me awhile to get around to commenting on your post. I read it a couple times on two occassions and was not understanding my feelings about it, which felt negative. Turns out I guess that I still have some unresolved issues with the subject and after thinking about it, I know why. About a year and a half after my son was born my wife informed me that she was pregnant. She didn't know how I was going to take it but I was over joyed that my son was going to have a brother or sister close to his age. A couple days later my wife (now my x-wife of 20 years) tells me that she wants to abort the pregnancy due to a few rough patches in our marriage and that her mother was insisting that she do so. I pleaded with her on several occassions and thought that I'd swayed her away from her mothers wishes but her mother began threatening her that she would cease doing day care for our son (which was crappy but fine by me), and quit paying for the wife's college courses if she didn't have an abortion.
I maid some inquiries and it turned out that husbands don't have any say so in the decision of whether or not the wife has the baby (but we sure are committed financially and otherwise if they do). I'm also a Catholic so that was another issue, spoke to a priest about it. Needless to say she went ahead and terminated. It wasn't long after that that we separated for the last time (within a year). My son must have asked me a dozens of times why we never had another child, and I waited till he was 19 to tell about his wonderful grandmother's influence on his mom. Don't know if that was the right thing to do but it sure felt like it. Well it looks like I have some forgiving to do. Sorry for hijacking your thread.
Me too ((((Dean))))s Being male often times isn't the same as being superman or God. We have compatible genders but not the same power. Sorry with you on the loss of dreams. Had it happen once also with much the same color and texture as your story and then some but it's all turned over and let go.
Simple...God has a bunch of it hit the fan!! I read your thread and asked myself if I can ever remember having such an out of body that I got that far ahead of myself. I can remember the last time I couldn't catch up to myself. I know that I've done it before program because I was more fearbased then, than now. Thanks Bill and Bob!
One Day at a time...Stay in the moment. What a concept to keep JerryF inside of his own shoes. Can you identify with a blown up balloon being released into a room with the knot untied in its filler? I wish you peace of mind and spirit and soul. I wish you and your husband success. I wish your new child to reflect the image of HP into your life. Pure innocence only comes at the beginning of life and we all get to touch it all over again. Yay!!
Like I say alot less now though ! !