I know I said I wouldn't be around much, but I'm not sure what to do right now

runnergirl · Senior Member

I know I said I wouldn't be around much, but I'm not sure what to do right now

soberdrunk · MIP Old Timer

I am in the process of going through out-patient treatment. Mainly to be able to get my drivers license back. Was going 9 hours 3 days a week and I think it was helpful. I still had to go to meetings so it made my schedule pretty full. Now I am only going 2 hours a month so I am doing more meetings now, which is good.
Inpatient treatment is always an option. Beats cutting anyways. Those kind of behaviors are pretty serious and require seeing health care professionals (counselors,therapists, psychiatrists, etc.) and I'm sure you already know this.
A big thing about being in the program is doing the next right thing. If your not sure what that is, it is time to ask for help, in whatever fashion you choose.
Taking care of yourself is priority #1. Getting out of your head should also follow soon after!!!
Do the next right thing!!!!

louisa · Senior Member

Hi Runnergirl,

All I can say is that it's a process but AA truly truly works. - however you may be feeling at the moment.

I have been where you're at and today I rarely if EVER feel the need to self harm. In fact the thought I don't think ,ever enters my head....and it was pretty constant at one time......well for a long time......to be honest, even as a young teen....

I'd be lying if I said I NEVER thought of a drink - I just don't drink One day at a time.

It really is a process. It was as if I seemed to want to sabotage my recovery on so many occasions.

I was honest with my doctor - told her I had stopped taking my anti depressant. She told me to not even think - to just take them - that I needed them. I did.

I remember saying to her, yes but I don't want to have to rely on medication/drugs, I'll never forget her face! confuse

.......er Louisa ....you have been nearly killing yourself for years with alcohol smile

! ! That was how fuzzy & unclear & insane I was. Still don't understand it today really! confuse

and I don't NEED to.

Anyway, I started again, One day at a time, taking my meds and immersed myself in AA. I remember one member saying to me 'Louisa, you're drinking again cos you haven't done Step 1 properly as in you've not admitted you're powerless over alcohol'

My reply was "I have admitted that I'm powerless - it's just that I will use any tool to harm myself and I know alcohol is really good at that." So with the knowledge I was powerless I chose to use it to harm myself. Insanity.

I don't know if the above makes sense - have had a very exhausting day to day - just really wanted to say Hi again and let you know I identify. Keep coming back ! It's lovely to have you here.

lots of love,
Louisa xx

-- Edited by louisa on Wednesday 3rd of February 2010 12:14:14 PM

newcomer · Senior Member

Runner girl, can you download the speaker tapes available through a link on this site? I have found them invaluable. I put them on an mp3 player. I was completely housebound for five weeks due to weather so could not get out at all.

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Hi Laurie,
you know that most of us take a little time first thing the morning and say a little prayer to help us to stay sober for this day followed by a couple minutes of meditation. And then we say thanks in the evening. It works well and I know before mid day, by the kind of day that I'm having, if I forgot to do it. I know that you said that you had some issues about HP, but maybe you can put aside and give this a try. What do you have to lose? The speaker tapes are a great suggestion. Take a listen in the sticky thread at the top of the page. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll understand, and you'll feel understood.

-- Edited by StPeteDean on Wednesday 3rd of February 2010 02:13:05 PM

mikef · MIP Old Timer

Hey Runnergirl,if you need to be here ,excellent its better than in a stupor somewhere.Stay focused ,you know the drill,call sponsor if you have one and do something to get out of your head..get thru this and it will reenforce the next bout and so on,I will be praying for your strength to carry you thru..I told this before but I heard a person share that 'tomorrow they are going to get loaded ,but just for today they will remain sober.That person has done that for 18 years of sobriety.Find things that will work for you and if you need to be here,then so be it but continue to 'WORK" peace...... smile

......

Avril G · Senior Member

Here's a link to those speaker tapes mentioned earlier

http://www.xa-speakers.org/pafiledb.php?action=category&id=2

mikeL27 · Newbie

I have found for myself that habits especially seem to stab at you when you are trying to stop them. For example, I am a smoker, but have stopped on numerous occasions and have gone weeks and months without smoking but without telling myself "I am going to quit smoking"... but the day I set to my mind that I am going to quit smoking, I seem to not be able to think about anything BUT smoking. This has been the same thing for me and alcohol when I decided to myself that I needed to stop drinking. Anyways, even without listening to speakers, if you have a Big Book, just read through it. I have found it to be very relaxing at times and almost comical in the sense that as I read it, you realize a lot about yourself that your inner most self knew was true, but needed to read in order to actually realize (I don't know if this makes sense.. but I'm trying). I remember with my old sponsor when we would go through the Big Book, he'd have me stop and underline/highlight things and would ask questions, or would point out things and often times it would have us laughing because as in song or in novels or in other literature, you read the storyline and so often you sit there and you are able to say -- "WOW! I can relate to that." Just as you are able to do in meetings themselves. From here, know where the story takes you, call someone just to get your mind off of it, go on a walk, go exercise, just do something to take over your mind for a little so that you're no longer thinking about drinking. After a while, you may find you have forgotten all about it. As they say, "it works if you work it.." Nobody ever said it was easy, but it's a sickness that is stronger than the devil himself, but as a human look to a higher power and ask for help to beat this devil.

bikerbill · MIP Old Timer

I would suggest taking the meds as prescribed, getting a daily routine with regard to AA - reading, speaker tapes, just for today card, living sober and big book. And remeber you only have to do this one day at a time.

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

RG, quit lurking lol
and respond to your thread. biggrin

"Last Access 3h, 4m ago "

smile

runnergirl · Senior Member

Dean, you just might be a bit of smart ass, huh? :) I of course like it. Thanks for the replies, everyone. I am feeling much better today. The other morning was bad, made a couple of choices I wasn't too happy with. No drinking, but didn't answer the phone when a friend called cause I was wallowing in self-pity. Anyway, I knew she needed to talk (she had to put her dog down and was very upset... hearing her cry on voice mail made me feel pretty crappy), but I didn't answer. Another friend called, the co-author of the book I wrote. She knows something has been up for the past year or so, but I've yet to fill her in. Avoidance seems to work quite nicely, thank you. The third call to interrupt my wallow (a.k.a. nap) was a sober friend. I answered. She helped a lot--got off the phone smiling, took my AntiDep and kicked myself in the ass. She also got me to call a woman from my women's group and ask her to be my sponsor. Anyway, she said yes. I'm very happy cause she's wonderful. Talked to her on the phone today and I think it's going to be a really good thing. Meeting her next week to start working the steps with her. Realized something today, too. I keep thinking I should just try to drink again, to see if I'm really, really sure about this. But, when I think about drinking, the picture in my mind isn't a glass of wine. It's a bottle. Kinda answers my question.

Dean, you mention the HP issue. I am trying to work on that. It's really hard for me. I feel pretty positive there is a God, just not convinced it's a God that cares. It's hard cause I was very into my faith as a a teen and in college. Guess I can give it a try... My husband is a pretty big agnostic, too, so after a year or so of going to church with the family, he's stopped. I still go sometime, but it's generally alone now. Last weekend I decided I want to bring the girls again. Might have to work on my husband about it too. I think it's important to share it.

I'm rambling, I guess. Thanks for checking in, Dean. Feels good to think someone might care. :)

-- Edited by runnergirl on Friday 5th of February 2010 03:57:07 PM

-- Edited by runnergirl on Friday 5th of February 2010 03:58:19 PM

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Hey there she is. aww

RG don't sweat the HP thing. This is different from anything that you've experienced before. You know it's not about church or religion (that's optional), it's about a daily conscious contact with a power greater than ourselves of our Own understanding. Maybe it's just a room full of positively charged ions, charged with love and understanding. It begins with just the littlest bit of open mindedness and ends with a custom made vision of a loving and supportive HP that you can feel is always with you. We say "fake it until you make it" about these aspects and don't sweat the details (how, why, where, when). We just put our faith in the people in the program that we see have reaped the benefits and follow in their footsteps, which is "how it works". Glad to hear that you found a wonderful person for a sponsor. I'm sure that you'll get see how her HP is working in her life. Look for the "glow".

newcomer · Senior Member

This is very positive stuff, well done, 'the courage to change'

Avril G · Senior Member

Someone told me to open a 'Sobriety Bank' account, into which I put every GOOD day in sobriety, sothat when I had a bad day, I had plenty in the bank to draw from. Writing a gratitude list each day is good for me. I am grateful for the small things in life which have changed since getting sober, such as 1. I manage to wake up in the morning, which is a good start to my day 2. I can clean my teeth without throwing up every morning and 3. I can fart safely. Everything else is a bonus.

A grateful alcoholic will never drink again.