I thought my recovery was going well - employment has been looking promising, I attend regular meetings and recently completed 8 months of opening a meeting - I still attend that meeting occasionally, but have others too.
My diet and exercise are good - I do relaxation exercises for the panic attacks I mentioned in a previous post. Winter has been good - although the coldest in 30 years here.
A few weeks ago I noticed a new meeting was opening up on a Saturday, and I decided to attend - I like to give support for new meetings. The time, and the venue appealed to me, also. I know a meeting is a meeting but this makes a difference to me.
At this meeting the format is to read a piece of AA literature then share on it, then the meeting opens up to everyone.
I'll cut to the chase - one of the women who opens, well, I like her. Probably too much and not in an entirely spiritual way. I feel bad for saying that.
Tonight she asked me to share, so I chose to read the last part of Dr Bob's Nightmare, then shared on it. The whole meeting was very intense - it happened to be her favourite part of the BB, she said, and perhaps it is - I don't know.
The bottom line is I feel guilty for having thoughts about her - she has more sobriety than me - I should be getting on with Dr Bob's message of passing it on, when all I can think about is her.
Early in the week I got out my old Neil Young CDs and listened for hours and hours. I started smoking again, too.
What should I do? - I want to be a good AA but I also want her, can't help thinking about her.
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The past is never over; it's not even past yet. William Faulkner, U.S. writer
Hello again Dream9. So what's so horrible about being attracted to someone in a meeting? I'm assuming that both of you have more than a year and are available. You mentioned that your program and routines are strong. It's not why we're supposed to go to meetings, but stuff happens. Personally, I never did any serious dating in the program. I take that back, I did date a nice girl for almost a year but it never got to a deep committed relationship. I'm very happy with my non-alcoholic wife though if that says anything.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Saturday 30th of January 2010 08:52:03 PM
Yah, nothing wrong with attraction and that is one of the things we are powerless over. There is no reason to feel guilty over it. Accept it and have a crush of sorts, or bust a move :) If you are not over a year yet, or don't feel like you are really ready for a relationship, you can wait...bet you this woman isn't going anywhere. If she is already married or taken, well...again we cant control our attractions, but you can accept she's taken and not feel guilty. She will just become a friend that is nice to look at :)
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Likely due to you being a new person and developing attractions and relationships in a new way. Also not a bad thing, but I understand it being a scary thing. You don't want to rock the boat of your recovery, but on the other hand, you need to live life outside the rooms and and relationships are a part of that. Just know that whatever happens with another person, it's you that needs to stay the focus...Recovery before all else. A solid program will get you through taking risks and feeling good about the results and also maybe not having the outcomes you want...but you live and learn. When drunk we just repeated the same dumbass mistakes over and over (at least I did).
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Your post made me smile. I really relate to it. It's so easy to feel unsure about such stuff...as in ...."I shouldn't be feeling this way....and so on........"
It's not as if you're jumping into a relationship as a newcomer. You seem very aware to me -which is wonderful.
I am in a relationship after many years of waiting. I waited through fear. I really did feel like a teenager - even the basic protocols and ways to behave on a date - well I hadn't a clue - that was why I put it off for so long.
Oh God! I'm sure there were (still are) teenagers with more knowledge and confidence in those areas than me!
I think it's wonderful you have shared your feelings here.......helps me remember I'm not alone in these emotional 'dilemas' which I can find SO confusing.
I am a very 'together' person in so many areas of my life but on the intimacy/boyfriend/girlfriend front...........well.........
Anyhow, when this 'relationship' came along I finally decided to say yes! I just take each day at a time and enjoy our relationship just for today as it is............he is an AA too which I find helps enormously - we speak the same language and there's less explaining to do !
I was almost afraid of the powerful feelings I had/have for this person. I seemed to have no control over them and that frightened me.
Today I accept them and walk hand in hand with my Higher Power - and also occasionally with my boyfriend!
Not sure if my share is totally relevant to your post - but it does come from the heart!
certainly the smokes were not good for me when I relapsed on them and then went into treatment rather than just try my program which was maybe a little soft in some places. I can do little with the human side of me except keep that second to my Higher Power and I don't want that to be anyone else in program not matter gender or appearance. We are not perfect and there is no good apology for that or regret I think. For me I mold my relationships with the principles of AA as I have been taught and the awarenesses of how I use to practice them. It use to always be me first and my compulsions before them and their reality. Today it is always "help" others not "hurt" them. Use the principles. (((((hugs)))))
Louisa, what you wrote gives me strength - I probably have a tendency to over-analyse things, and I know I am too sensitive but only really in the past couple of months have opened up to people in the fellowship. Give time, time I think applies here.
Also, this past December and January have been good for me - I've felt so well in contrast to the acute panics I was having last summer. I have put work in, and have been guided fairly well I think.
Some of the old-timers in the fellowship here, I think, would advise me to... well, I'm not sure, but they're pretty old-school, 12 and 12, tough-love type. Not that there is anything wrong with that, of course.
I feel a need or desire to be more creative, musically, artistically, writing, I'm not sure. And this woman - she's a bit like Julia Roberts, looks-wise - and her friends and a few of the AA groups seem to have a more new-agey feel to them (I don't think I wrote that too well). I feel attracted to that, too.
The principles, Jerry - absolutely. I'm a great believer in perseverance - sticking around and trying my best has got me this far.
Richard
-- Edited by Dreamnine on Sunday 31st of January 2010 06:15:03 PM
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The past is never over; it's not even past yet. William Faulkner, U.S. writer
I guess I'm just scared, remembering previous relationships and feelings of jealousy and possessiveness I had. I don't want to go back to that.
I'm 2 and a half years, now, and this is the first woman I've been attracted to - in or out of AA.
But it's strange and almost brand- new to me - like a teenage crush.
Richard
One thing I forgot to mention. Most of us don't chose very well. The one's that we're generally really attracted to are the one's that we should steer clear of.
I've been sleeping poorly and had obsessive thoughts, not about harming myself or drinking again - just random nonsense and I'm getting pretty obsessive with my music again - listening to a 1971 Who album over and over again.
Yesterday I saw my doctor - she wants to put me on a mild anti-psychotic, gave me the prescription, but I don't want to take drugs.
I was at an early morning meeting today and felt good walking 4 miles there in 21f weather. I shared a lot about my mental state but not about my feelings for this woman.
I feel I'm in danger of losing things quite rapidly and I'm not sure what's going on.
I'm going to a meeting tonight - in about 6 hours time, not that I want to go to an AA meeting but just because she will be there.
-- Edited by Dreamnine on Wednesday 3rd of February 2010 08:08:16 AM
-- Edited by Dreamnine on Wednesday 3rd of February 2010 08:10:08 AM
__________________
The past is never over; it's not even past yet. William Faulkner, U.S. writer
I have been told that there is never a bad reason for us drunks to go to a meeting. It's when you stop going that it's a problem. I have the same obsessive thoughts and still have a fairly constant annoying dialog going on in my head. To a degree, I think it is our nature. It has calmed down and my response to it has changed drastically due to AA. I also have a recurring obsessive thought that pops in every so often that I am fucking every thing up, about to drop the ball, and am not handling things right. This likely comes from actually being a fuck up in the past. At these moments, I really need to step back and take it all in. It is okay to have crushes on people...you have a fair amount of sobriety time and that is great, listening to the same record a lot hurts nobody and if you like it...oh well. Perhaps you are bored with your routine a bit and the idea of a potential relationship makes you anxious and makes you think you are flipping out and might ruin your sobriety. Perhaps it is also time to start dating and your mind is telling you that but you are scared. Either way, it is okay Dreamnine. Don't make yourself sick over all of it. Take a breath. We are still growing up all over again even after a few years sobriety. Also, for me, I have a pretty rigid routine that has kept me sober for a little while now and any proposed change to that is anxiety provoking. I don't like to rock the boat, but sometimes the boat needs to be rocked.
Mark
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Hey Dream 9, a couple things come to mind. Our minds are very affected by the power of suggestion and media. In my first 2 years I didn't watch any TV at all. Some people go to sleep with the TV on and have no idea what their brain is absorbing while they are asleep. I also looked carefully at my music collection and sorted the positive from the negative and only listened to positive up lifting music. I stayed away from negative people (as much as I could) and I didn't allow myself to dwell on negative thoughts. You can't control the thoughts that pop into your head but you can control how long you dwell on them. We all have crazy thoughts. It's going to happen, it doesn't mean that we're in trouble mentally. Our mental health and attitude is also directly related to our diet, exercise, and quality of sleep. Without a good balance of these 3 we are not going to function at our best. I'd also throw vitamins in there as essential for recovering people. How much caffeine are you using a day? I've been off caffeine for almost a month now and have noticed a huge difference in my attitude and mental function. Feeling of agittation, stress, irratibility, negative emotions, fear....are way down. I'm almost apathetic and I know that part of that is my body adjusting (adrenelin gland is waking up soon I hope lol). Can you give us some more info like how long have you been sober, how many meetings are you going to, diet and exercise? Pets, hobbies, social life with other sober people?
It's bizarre - she was asked to share at the meeting last night; it's a big meet, 30 or more. I just felt kind of tired and numb. Tired because I'd walked miles yesterday and had a busy afternoon at work. The entire meet felt surreal.
Today I was asked to share at a lunchtime meet and I was pretty honest about my mental state, mentioning it at the beginning and reverting to it at the end of my share. I felt good getting things out, but didn't mention her.
Dean, you must be psychic - I got rid of my tv just last Sunday. I decided that watching Andy Murray in the Aus open final was going to be the last thing I ever watched. It felt kind of cathartic getting rid of the tv, and I was just a bit sad that Andy lost.
I'm keeping up my routines, have cut back on coffee; I just feel this sense of loss somehow or grief although nothing has happened.
And somehow she knows, or I have convinced myself she does. I have to keep a watchfulness on my manipulativeness - or hers.
I feel like asking her 'Will you fix me?'
Dean, I have been sober 2 and a half years. I don't have many friends outwith AA, my job is dull administration work- although something better may be cropping up. I like reading and music, occasional movies. I eat well and take plenty exercise, mainly long walks.
Trying not to be too hard on myself, I'm also helping to start up a new meeting which is positive, and I am grateful for what I have. Probably I need to do more step work. I did write things down and concluded that I wanted a relationship but was just scared.
This hyper-vigilance or slight mania or whatever disturbs me though, although I reject the doctor's advice of mild anti-psychotics.
-- Edited by Dreamnine on Thursday 4th of February 2010 01:20:36 PM
-- Edited by Dreamnine on Thursday 4th of February 2010 01:21:06 PM
-- Edited by Dreamnine on Thursday 4th of February 2010 01:26:37 PM
__________________
The past is never over; it's not even past yet. William Faulkner, U.S. writer
What I am seeing in your last post is fear. You might want to do a fear inventory on the whole situation surrounding the possibility of getting into a relationship. What are your fears, why do you have them, what might happen if you are relying on yourself, what could happen if you rely on God or a Higher Power instead.
Also - it's healthy that you're examining your motives, but on the other hand you don't want to let fear be the deciding factor as far as whether to attempt a relationship, or whether to avoid doing so. Praying for your higher power (if you have chosen one) to reveal the best course of action -- particularly with regard to the other person -- may help. If you are as focused as possible on avoiding self-seeking motives, and instead looking to see what you could bring to a relationship that would be beneficial for the other person, it may be less likely that you would end up causing harm (or being harmed yourself).
All just suggestions from someone who is definitely NOT a relationship expert! Actually, that might be a good step to take - talk with someone who IS a relationship counselor, before even moving forward towards the possibility of getting involved.
-- Edited by FlyingSquirrel on Friday 5th of February 2010 01:58:09 AM
Dream9, thanks for revealing more. 2.5 years is good amount of time. But I didn't feel really comfortable with myself and my sobriety till about 5 years. I'm not trying to discourage you, more like saying "you're right where you're supposed to be". I remember that time, spending a lot of time in my head and going over past incidents like I could find a way to change them. Even remember talking out load to myself and not really knowing that that wasn't really something that I wasn't supposed to be doing till I heard a meeting about "self talk" and specifically negative self talk. It was then that I focused on breaking that habit.
Sounds like you really need to get involved with some friends in the program, and pick up a hobby or club and perhaps some volunteer work. Just stay so busy that you don't have time to be up in your head playing "what's wrong with this picture". The fellowship is the most overlooked aspect of AA, and one that I missed the first 2 years when I was floundering and not staying sober. Then I began attending a lot of meetings at one AA club (a couple actually). Seeing the same people there almost daily helped me to get to know a hundred or so of them pretty well. The place had dinners and dances, open mic music nights and a couple of lounge areas and a juice bar with food and people hung out there till about midnight every night. There was no excuse for me being lonely, and being lonely is no position to be in when contemplating a new relationship or even just dating. Your life should be full of social activities and those should be maintained while you're dating so that we don't rely on that other person for our social and entertainment needs. That's what gets us into trouble. So before we go and try and find a relationship, we need to have "a life" first. Hang in there is gets better.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Friday 5th of February 2010 12:01:06 AM
Yes, I think I've been living too long in my own head - I find socialising difficult, my father was the same and I've probably got his type of personality.
There is fear, and having done the inventory, I'm scared I might not be good enough for her, or she will see the same things I don't like about myself. So I must just hand it over. Whatever happens will happen.
Richard
-- Edited by Dreamnine on Saturday 6th of February 2010 06:09:48 AM
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The past is never over; it's not even past yet. William Faulkner, U.S. writer
Yeah...I was about to comment the same thing you seemed to have realized on your own. When you consider a relationship, then you start thinking "Oh I'm not good enough for" the other person and then you start going crazy yourself...been there, done that. I try to stop thinking when I get to that point and listen to oldtimers...
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Dreame 9 it's a process not an event. Getting that stuff out in the open might not always feel good at first, but it's the action (changing the way the we act/react) that will bring about better feeling. We tend to believe that it's the other way around, that we can think our way to better feeling, but that's not real. It's a program of action. This uncomfortable feeling is probably an indication that it's time to be working harder on the steps and resolve some of this stuff through steps 4-9. Where are you in this process? How does your sponsor feel about all this?
Men for Men and Women for Women, right? That's just the thing - this woman wants to sponsor me, now, and I really don't know how I feel about it. That is what I can't get my head around.
My recovery comes first but I am seriously sidetracking atm...
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The past is never over; it's not even past yet. William Faulkner, U.S. writer
I've enjoyed browsing the forum this Sat night and now Sun morning. I feel a little better after reading other posts and quieting myself down. Tomorrow is another day.
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The past is never over; it's not even past yet. William Faulkner, U.S. writer
