Without a sponsor, I doubt I ever would have recovered. I am equally as doubtful that my sobriety will continue if I do not sponsor others. After all, our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics achieve sobriety. I have sponsored many alcoholics in the twelve years since I recovered. Most of them are still drinking. But, one of us managed to stay sober.
I am fortunate because I made a decision to work in the field of alcoholism. I was at one time employed in a transition home for men in the early stages of recovery. No, I am not an alcoholism counselor. I just like working with drunks. In the AA Guidelines entitled For AA Members Employed in the Alcoholism Field, there are some suggestions about whether or not someone in my position ought to act as a sponsor for our clients. I have had some first hand experience dealing with that situation.
As I mentioned, I have been a recovered alcoholic for quite some time. I like to think my sobriety is stable and that I am enjoying the new life I have found in Alcoholics Anonymous. I try as best I can to apply the 12 Steps, 12 Traditions, and sometimes even the 12 Concepts to my life on a daily basis. Apparently, it showed through when I was at work. Also, although I do not live in a small town, its not exactly a major metropolis either and my clients saw me at A.A. meetings.
Every now and then, a client would ask me to sponsor them. My first impulse, as an A.A. member, was to say yes. Perhaps we saw each other at meetings, weve seen that our stories are similar, Im sober and I appear to be enjoying life, he has decided he wants what I have, etc. etc. etc.
And then, reality sets in. The first and foremost reality is that it was against company policy for a staff member to have a relationship with a client. Sponsorship is a relationship between two alcoholics. To be effective, we must walk day by day on a path of spiritual progress. We would spend a great deal of time together during the first few weeks or months. As a result, we would become very close. I would drive him to meetings. I would want him to attend the weekly step study that I attend. We might have lunch together. I may even invite him home to have thanksgiving dinner with my wife and me. I may help him find a job. We will likely develop a rapport that the other clients do not have with me and that he does not have with other staff members. For, we have become friends. And this will be noticed.
Eventually, one of us will be spoken to. If we are working an honest program, we will not be able to lie about it. In fact, one might conclude that we were already lying about it, since an act of omission bears the same weight as an act of commission. And what message am I carrying then? That it is OK to be dishonest when it suits me? Like many forms of lying, it starts with one little lie and gradually becomes a bigger lie. When the truth comes out, we will be told that the relationship must come to an end. There may be hurt feelings, resentment, maybe even a defiant refusal. In a worst case scenario, he may be looking for another place to live and I may be looking for another job.
The simplest solution is to say no. In fact, an A.A. member once said to me, Why sponsor one of them when you can sponsor all of them? At first, I didnt understand what he meant. But, if a client has a question about A.A., he can certainly ask me the question. If he picked up some resentment at an A.A. meeting, he can certainly talk to me about it. If he needs a hard to find A.A. pamphlet, he can always ask me about where to locate one. If he wants to hear how I got well, I will tell him before I begin my shift, after I end my shift, or during one of my breaks. In my story he will hear me mention my sponsor numerous times. If he decides he needs a sponsor, I can explain to him how to go about getting one, direct him to literature that might help such as the pamphlet Questions and Answers on Sponsorship. I may even give him a few leads. After all, Im not the only sober A.A. member in our city and it is only an ego-feeding supposition that I am the one who ought to sponsor him.
Incidentally, both my wife and I are recovered alcoholics with about the same number of years in A.A. Whenever I think it will help someone, whether an AA member or a client, I always tell the story of how we met, how we have enjoyed ten years of marriage without any arguments, how the honeymoon is far from over, etc. (By the way, we invited you to the wedding in the December, 1999 issue of the Grapevine).
One day, a member of AA who is also one of my clients, asked me what our secret was. He said whatever it was we should put it in a bottle and sell it. I told him our secret wasnt really a secret. It is the daily application to our life of the 12 Steps, the 12 Traditions and the 12 Concepts, that putting it in a bottle wasnt necessary, that it was already in a book and millions of people all over the world were already sold on it.
He looked at me and smiled. In a low voice, he said For a moment there, it felt like you were my sponsor. I just winked and replied, For a moment, I was.
-- Edited by Wolfie on Saturday 30th of January 2010 04:39:09 PM
I have had the MIP aftercare recovery homes in Wilmington, NC since 2004. I have never agreed to act as a resident sponsor, although my daily communications with them arn't much different than I have with my sponsees. When they ask me to sponsor them, as many do upon first entering the homes, I simply say, "No, thats not a good idea, because one day you will probably need a sponsor to talk about me with." I then let them know I am willing to help them find a good sponsor, refer them to a few people who might be better suited for that role in their recovery.
I do know of someone who houses, sponsors and employs his residents. It rarely turns out to be a beneficial arrangement. When one part of the relationship collapses, it truly damages the stablity of the other areas of the relationship. Suddenly there is a newcomer that doesn't have a sponsor, a job or a place to live.
I strongly believe that I am responsible for the boundary management of the relationship between myself and my residents, and my sponsees. For much the same reasons that it is a part of the professional clinical communities code of ethics. When a defined role is changed in a relationship, the relationship is thus changed.