Hey All... Gotta share my way through this... So, as many of you know I'm yo-yoing through my first year and I consider it a success so far. Before The Program I drank almost every day, whenever possible, for 28 years and caused lots of pain and trouble. In the last 7 months I've drank five days and got right back into meetings and learned a lot from each relapse, like do Steps 1-3 out loud every...single...morning and stick to those basics. I now see my counselor once a week instead of bi-weekly. I perform a Step 10 inventory every night and thank My God for another day of freedom and sobriety.
The Metallica album, 'St. Anger', was written and recorded after some members of the band went through re-hab and while ALL members of the band were in group therapy together. There's a track called "Sweet Amber", through which James Hetfield anthropomorphizes booze into a phsycologically abusive woman in his life. I like that. That crazy, manipulative, cunning, baffling, powerful, sexy-as-hot-summer-rain b*tch that keeps calling me even after I put her stuff on the curb is named Amber.
So today my wife & kids are gone for the weekend to visit Grandma and I have a few home-improvement tasks to tend to. Times like these were mine and Amber's times. She must be missing me badly, because she called several times last night, first thing this morning, and again just a few minutes ago. She's persistent...I'll give her that. Most of the time God screened her calls but Amber's last message said "Baby...get to the bank before noon. That's the only way your nosy, oppressive wife won't know that we hooked up and I gave you everything you needed...just like when we were kids together. Remember those days? No? That's okay, I do and trust me Honey...you were great! Call me!"
It's 11:09 right now. I knew Amber would call this weekend, so I made sure to only have enough cash on hand for a pack of smokes (that's Nikki - she's getting kicked to the curb, too...just not today). I have one check, already made out to Sears, for nail-gun nails. I have to go to a company Holiday Party this evening and the owners already have me covered; club soda and lime. We're exchanging secret santa gifts and the rules are that it has to be something laying around your house that you don't want any more. I put my Mr Boston's Bartender's Guide, my double-ended stainless-steel jigger, two pour-tops, my bartender's knife, my favorite corkscrew and four beer-cozies into a gift bag. I couldn't find my cocktail shaker/strainer...but that's still good for chilling tea. It's 11:21. Amber hasn't called again...but I have a feeling she hid a nanny-cam in the house someplace. Crazy 'bunny-boiler' ex-es do that kind of sh*t. I feel like I'm being watched. She's saving up for that 11:45 call. Last Call. After noon the most I could buy is a 40 and she & I both know that's not what I want. It's not enough. It's never enough just to kiss her. It starts that way. It's the rabid-babboon-all-night-bareback-no-holds-barred Dirty Love that I want. Badly.
But then what? The work I have to do won't get done. I'll have Amber's perfume on me when I go to my boss' house. I'll have to drive drunk to get there. I'll have to hide all evidence that Amber was here. I'll have to lie to my Wife and Kids. I'll have to tell my shrink that I did Amber again. I'll have to tell my Sponsor that Amber's dysfunctional love was greater than his. I'll have to turn my back on the hand of God that's tattooed on my chest and who knows what else. I could succumb to the guilt and do myself harm. I could get a DWI and lose my job. Amber doesn't have as much power over me when I write about her. When I can read my own words and clearly see what she's done to me. I have a restraining order against her; my meetings, my 12x12, my Daily Reflections, My Big Book, MIP and I even have a talisman...my 24 hour coin. 11:48 - I sit here in front of a computer in my pajamas and slippers. Even if I hurried, put on some pants and outerwear, kennelled the dog and found my wallet & keys...I couldn't make it to the bank by noon. Amber, you can't have me Today.
Peace, Rob
-- Edited by Aquaman on Saturday 30th of January 2010 12:57:09 PM
This is what I like about you... You are honest to the core, can leave me teary-eyed or laughing my butt off. Love the visual and love your writing. Hope you're keeping a file of all this stuff... Might be worth publishing some day!
You need to put Amber on your do not call list. My analogy is my disease is in prison and it keeps making collect calls telling me how things will be different this time, my disease is out in the yard everyday pumping iron and getting stronger just waiting for me to grant it parole. I just think the drink through and remember the insanity, when my disease calls I don't pick up. If I don't pick up I can't get drunk, if I don't get drunk I don't do all the things that filled me with remorse and shame. If I don't pick up when I wake up in the mourning I remember what I did and said the night before, I no longer have that sense of foreboding. Bob.
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Work like you don't need the money
Love like you've never been hurt, and
dance like no one is watching.
Sorry dude, but you think wayyyyyyyyyyy to much. Forget about the tunes from the past and stay in the day your in. Uhhh ever heard of Keep it simple ???
LJC, Uhhh, ever heard of "the more you judge, the less you love"?
Anyway, the company holiday party went fine. I put down a quart of club soda and watched other people get drunk. My boss kicked my ass at Wii Boxing...twice, and my billiards game has suffered badly since I've been staying out of bars. This town only has public billiards tables in the bars.
My secret santa give-away went to someone who willl use it responsibly and I got a paradoxical mix; secret santa gave me a vegetarian cookbook and the company gave me a box of grass-fed organic bacon & steaks!
When I first got into recovery I was told to let go of everything associated with drinking drugging...drinkers, druggies...everything and I knew that if I didn't I'd die with an old audience. I let it all go; the people, places, things, music what ever. I walked away from my drinking partner who was also known as my wife. I wept like a baby for turning my back on it. I was grateful for the opportunity and ability to weep which came with the opportunity to stay alive as suggested by a program of recovery.
Amber huh? Can't remember ever meeting her.
Metaphoric thread glad most of my sober perceptions have been restored. Shiver!!
Theres a difference in trying to help someone , and judging. Considering that you obviously have been struggling over the last year with slip after slip it might prove helpful if you weren't so analytical of some song about Amber ??
You have shared thoughts of getting a dui. That means you are entertaining the thought of drinking. Be a real tragedy if you did drink and drive and kill someone now wouldn't it ??
Rob, consider it critisizing in a loving way. If you cant do that, then maybe you should take a look at the program you are working ... or not working in your case.
I like the analogy Rob and it is a good comparison. However you do need to make room for a change in thinking. It is not good to romanticize drinking for an alcoholic. I don't think you are working a bad program though. Some people have a simple religious (though they call it spiritual) conversion and that is the crux of their program. Others do need to figure things out, let our brains settle down and let simplicity sink in over a period of years. Others need a higher power to develop out of observations and reflections and it doesn't happen over night. Importantly, the program is working for you a day at a time. I think you are fine just where you are. Just don't indulge yourself in too much thinking about drinking :)
P.S. LJC - I am the type to overcomplicate things too and at first when you came to these boards, I didn't identify with you. Turns out you were the one who responded to some of my posts with what I needed to hear the most. It often works that way. So don't think I am judging you.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 31st of January 2010 07:54:30 AM
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I failed to effectively communicate the intention and direction of my original post. Please allow me to address a couple of things and maybe clear some things up.
The song I referenced was not an "Oh my GAAWWWDD that song...is...so...ME! I used to LOVE that band - RAWK ON!" pathetic attempt to cling to the distant past. It came out in 2003, after a group of artists underwent a recovery experience together. I respect that. These artists are the same age I am; early forties and unlike many bands or their era they developed, grew and sincerely expressed from new places and new experiences. If a relationship with psychologically & emotionally abusive person is "romantic" to someone then well...there are support groups for that too. I've heard that the album that followed it up feels like a throwback to their original work...but with more mature thematics. Maybe like recovering AA & Al-Anons who re-discover the joys of life before 'it all turned to crap'. Just a guess.
I was living in the day...in the moment...with a single goal "do not drink, even if your ass falls off" as I was in a trigger situation and a slippery environment; alone in my house with my wife and kids out of town for a day and a half. Before ever logging on and sitting down I read, I prayed, I recited my Steps 1-3 and meditated upon them and called a WE-list person who knows me well. He said "go write about it until after the bank closes". So I put a paper cone into my tempestuous brain and the analogy of an abusive relationship stuck to it...like making cotton-candy and the candy was Metallica-flavored.
I'm a writer, and a writer writes. I'll give up analytical thinking and imaginative expression when my 6lbs. of electric brain-jelly succumbs to Alzheimer's or death.
I went to this forum, which is perfect for me...sort of like a meeting where people write their shares...and I can still count on AA Unity, provide AA service and continue my recovery...one day at a time. I work my program every day. Almost every waking hour of every day is a littany of AA slogans, prayer, meditation, keeping a close watch for triggers & slippery situations and "playing the tape to the end." Playing the tape to the end is what the whole get-a-dui thing was about; remebering and projecting the consequences of getting drunk into the here and now.
I will take a closer look at the program I'm working. My sponsor gave me a gentle warning when I told him I was supplementing my 5-meeting a week schedule with MIP. He said "be careful of those on-line groups. I've found that without a chairperson and a reading of the Preamble, How It Works, The 12 Principles, guidelines and a reading to focus on...the dialogue easily goes from "experience, strength and hope" to "this is my advice to you." so I can't say I wasn't warned.
LJC - I'm sure that you mean well...but you hurt my feelings. I read sarcasm and condescension in your response. I'm sorry that I was overly-defensive and allowed that to manifest in Wrath. I will read steps 6&7 thoroughly today.
All I was doing was sharing my experience...as it was happening. A couple of people gained a little strength from it. Excellent. I gained Hope. Also Excellent. I got to put another daily struggle behind me in the WIN BOX instead of the LOST BOX.
All things considered...it was a good thing; just complicated. I could start appreciating the simpler but still incredibly effective writings of Hemingway. He loved the six-word story. I can imagine him in his house in the FL Keys, looking into his liquor cabinet.
So how long did it take to write that share? However long it took, it helped you to avoid succumbing to the temptation to drink.
I had pet names for my obsession with alcohol. Now it's just booze or poison. It's been a fair long time since I had the obsession to drink like a normal person and even longer since I had the want to drink to blackout.
I hear people say things like my alcoholism is in the car park doing press ups, it's just waiting to get me if I let my guard down. I can't live in that sort of anxiety or pressure (well it would be for me) so Poison is just that, poison.
I had to hear many times that a good booze up won't make anything better and sure as shit will make it worse, before I understood it.
I'm grateful that for today, poison is way down at the bottom of the pile of good things to do. But, although I don't feel that alcohol has a hold over me todday, it might be different tomorrow. When that particular tommorow comes, I'll dig way down deep in the toolbox, way past the tools I use every day, way past the tools I use every week, to get to the big mill hammer type tools and use those. Mind you, if I use all the tools in the box, chances are I'll not need the big mill hammer.
So I guess that I'm in a place of neutrality, safe and protected. Mind you, I don't spend hour after hour belly up against the bar, so shall drinking (you're having one, so shall I), I don't walk down the booze aisle in the supermarket, there's nothing there I want to buy, I've chucked the hip flask and tankard out, I have an insulated mug with the slogan Berghaus - trust is earned. So I have changed the way I do and think about things. Who'd a thought it?
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
H2O guy---u wrote "I'm a writer, and a writer writes." Well, I say "thank you.", and want to add that you are a thinker and therefore you think. As in having a nicely working brain that you generously share with others. Your posts jhave certainly helped me.
One of the things I like about cybersobriety sites is the high percentage (at least as seems to me) of people who seem to really think about what they share and not just go on and on with the same old (dare I say this?) phrases, which are too often robotic, and emotionally and intellectually empty.
I don't think you were romanticizing booze in your post, I think you were just trying to make it through the night. Glad it worked!
