I feel myself coming closer to this edge. When I look over the side, I see a really big word that starts with an "A." Last night, my husband had to work late so I decided to finish off some beer in the fridge. To me, it was "an experiment." I have all this doubt and uncertainty, so someone told me the Big Book suggests going out and drinking if you're not convinced. That was my brilliant thinking at the moment. I was 100% aware that it was not a smart move, that my husband would get mad, that it would not help my confusion. But. I. Did. It. Anyway. Is that what this is all about? Knowing, and just not giving a shit at the moment? Wanting it enough to do things your know are dumb?
Funny thing is, I was hoping to hit a meeting, but since I couldn't go, I just drank instead. My intelligence is simply amazing!
good morning dear, i have been right where you are. by admitting i have a problem and letting that idea of not being able manage my own life sink into my brain and heart and if i start calling an AA friend instead of finishing off the beer in the fridge, i took a big step towards living sober. asking your hubby to not keep beer in the fridge for awhile might help, too, if he is willing. IT TAKES WHAT IT TAKES.... keep being willing to accept help from your higher power and AA friends and reach out to them. if you don't want sobriety more than anything else in the world, ask your HP to grow that desire in you. the only way it worked for me is to treasure my sobriety. it is the most important thing in the world to me today. i can be the real me, now, with my HP's help, because i cannot do this on my own, without help. take care and just be willing to be willing.... ;) so far that has helped me for a year.
RG, when you get serious about continued sobriety, you'll really need to avoid having alcohol in the house. It's naive for your husband to expect you not to drink his beer, that he keeps in the house, when you're trying to work on this problem. It's typical. Even new members that live alone don't want to remove the booze from their house. I've heard all kinds of excuses like "I keep it for friends that come over" or " I keep in the frig to build my will power". It doesn't work like that, as you're seeing. Relapse happens in a fraction of a second when alcohol is near by. I avoided all stores that sold alcohol in my first year, which is hard to do, but at that time there were grocery stores in Va that didn't sell beer or wine. These kinds of issues are what sponsors are for.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Thursday 28th of January 2010 12:01:59 PM
" Is that what this is all about? Knowing, and just not giving a shit at the moment? Wanting it enough to do things your know are dumb? " __________________
Yes, this is why they call it a diesase. It's the mental obession part of the disorder. Our diesase tells us we can handle it this time and that we don't have a diesase. Some would also call this insanity- doing the same thing expecting the results to be different. I even took it a step further- I did the same thing over and over knowing the results and did it anyway. That's insanity for me.......
This type of thinking- which I also had, was another indication of how powerless I was over the booze or substance. I did it even though I didn't want to. At the end alcohol made all the choices for me.
Relapse ends with a drink, it doesn't start with one. And besides, drunks are pre-planned. Wondering ... do you have a sponsor, going to meetings, reading the book, working the steps, and do you have a God of Your understanding that will help you NOT take the first drink ?????
Id say you're back to step 1 cuz you obviously forgot you were powerless over alcohol ??
Good luck, and I would second Dean's advice not to have any in the house, at least in very early sobriety. In the big book of A.A. they talk about keeping some on hand to entertain guests or help sober someone up slowly (but that was a long time ago, there are plenty of detox centers about now). But that's for A.A. members who have a very solid program going. I personally would not have it in my house right now and I'm nearly a year sober. If your husband is not willing to do this for you, you may have to make a really tough decision - you may have to answer for yourself to what lengths you're willing to go to get sober.
-- Edited by FlyingSquirrel on Thursday 28th of January 2010 09:59:16 PM
RG you surely sound clear as to what its all about. Yes it is about drinking in spite of...It is drinking with the awareness that the bottle owns you. It is complacent slavery as I remember it. When I got to that point of awareness I was also aware that it runs full circle all by itself. It needed a body to participate and I was that body. Any body would do and it was mine at the time. Now its yours. You can like most here arrest the run, break the circle at some point and not let it turn back intoward itself. First the man takes a drink...then the drink takes a drink... then the drink takes the man. Bet you're not happy about it...
Another sign of progress I see....AA is really making your drinking not fun eh? Even if it's just these boards and the counselor you met with and a couple of meetings...It's not going to go back to you being able to enjoy it now RG...that is why you now are drinking with an attitude of "I know it's not good but whatever..." attitude. That is demoralizing now and you don't need that in your life. My suggestion, step up the meetings, get a sponsor and dive in.
Mark
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
RG- I remember when drinking used to be a habit and not an obsession. I used to just drink and not even think about whether or not I was giving in to anything. Then, after becoming aware of my alcoholism the situation devolved into what you are describing- knowing the score and opting to drink anyways. It's par for the course with most of us I suspect.
"My intelligence is simply amazing!"- intellect has nothing to do with it, but I'm sure you KNOW that ;)
Hey runnergirl. I can relate. I think that what I've found is my disease is cunning enough to take those words in the Big Book and twist them away from what the writer intended. It can whisper to me "see, just try it out if you're convinced, the BB even says that."
Fortunately, I now know that the BB is NOT saying that, but I really need my HP to help me through those times.
I had to remove all alcohol from the house. I also had to ring my sponsor when I found any. At first it bothered me to dump it, but then I simply ran with it to the skip. Not something I could have handled in the house.
