I've been thinking about making a bridge between me and him. He is the type of guy I would want to be friends with, in short- he had what i wanted. He is an artist, a very "cool customer", a person that truly exudes inner comfort. Long story short- he was my sponsor for two years and then fired me a couple weeks ago. I completely understand why he dropped me, and I'm not mad at him. I just know that we had a connection and I don't want to leave it like it ended. I've been thinking about sending him a hand-written letter etc....i dunno, is that not the thing to do? He was a very close friend for about 2 years and I just don't want it to end on a drunken conversation. Let it be or .....?
Hell, if everyone's sponsor fell out with their sponsee nobody would ever talk to anybody in meetings!! Have you actually seen him in meetings since? If you have and he's blanked you, then he's maybe not as well in recovery as he seems to be.
I always tell potential sponsees that I need to speak to them about the sponsor/sponsee relationship before saying yes to sponsoring them. I explain that if at any time either they or I feel it's not working we call it quits, with no hard feelings, I still talk to my old sponsors and sponsees, regardless of whether hey drank again or not.
I also tell them that the minute they pick up a drink, I am no loger their sponsor, until such time as they get back to meetings and show some effort in recovery, and then they need to get a new sponsor, or ask me again if they wish to.
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Serenity is Wanting what you have, not having what you want
Always remember non-alcoholic beers are for NON-ALCOHOLICS
I would let it be for a bit longer Dodds. I can tell in your writing already there has been a shift back to your improved thinking and I am guessing it's because you've not drank for almost a month? Is this right? Your old sponsor became part of the problem even though neither of you intended it to be that way. He is still your friend...just focus on recovery for now and hopefully finding or working with your new sponsor. When you get to step 8 and 9 months down the road or even after a year, then focus on that relationship with more clarity. He isn't going anywhere. All the people who were wrapped up in your prior patterns were also people you tried to manipulate and get to enable you (yeah I know you didn't do it on purpose and I did the same thing so I'm not judging). Let the new you emerge and then reapproach. To be in close contact with him now could send you back to old ways of thinking and acting. Now, I am not saying for you to totally dis him and ignore him. Be grateful and thankful if you see him. If you seriously did something that bad to him, apologize and move on, but I think letting go and letting the new Adam emerge is your primary focus. I read clarity in your posts now so just keep working the program.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
There is no rush to do anything....its just that last time we talked, I was really high and we didn't talk like I wanted to..Im not really sure what I was hoping to get across with my "letter" idea...i suppose I just wanted to tell him that I really loved/appreciated his friendship, that he meant a lot to me (corny im sure) because he did......i dunno, it meant a lot. It really did, even though I ended up drinking, he was a positive "thing" in my life for the two years that I knew him. That is special, or was anyways..
Hey Dods, maybe it's time to get a new one. You had that sponsor for a couple years with mixed results. In the two years that I floundered, I found that I chose sponsors that wouldn't challenge me. I finally choose an old timer that would call me on my stuff. In your first year (speaking for men) you're not looking for a friend. You want someone to kick your butt a bit ("do this or don't call me..."), one that you'd feel very uncomfortable with calling while your "really high", especially if you're prone to relapses (which I was). Find yourself a cranky old sponsor, in a step meeting, that will put you to work. You've had it too easy for too long, all the way around. Get busy.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Thursday 28th of January 2010 09:07:27 AM
Dods, Good to hear from you. Good feedback with the above post. Let it go for now. God will reveal more when your ready to handle any conversations you need to have with this ex-sponsor. A sponsor is not a friend but someone who can save your life. Someone who will tell you what you need to know not what you want to know. Someone who can be honest with you and not worry about your feelings. You can see why a friendship woud not work. It took me 3 years to finally ask the guy I wanted to be my sponsor but was to afraid to ask and worried he'd require me to work. I knew he required work and would want me to do it his way which I wasn't ready for. Guess what, when I surrendered I asked him to be my sponsor. The gift of desperation...
Mike, that's exactly how it went for me. There was this older guy, who was in one of my regular meetings when I was new in the program. I wanted to ask him to be my sponsor but was concerned that he'd tell it like it is (that's they way that he shared in meetings) and make me work. So I choose a younger guy who wasn't direct enough and didn't stay sober. Then, when I hit several bottoms at once, I was willing to find this guy, which wasn't easy because he had moved. I spent a couple weeks asking around to no avail. Then a friend of mine on the other side of town (20 miles away) invited me to a meeting at a church. I walked down into the basement a few minutes early and there was John and I he agreed to sponsor me. He'd never been to that meeting and was also asked by a friend to go there that night. My higher power was doing for me, what I wasn't able to do myself. Dods, pick a crusty old step nazi and obey lol. Then you can continue your friendship to your former sponsor. There were times in early sobriety that I had two sponsors. One traveled and wasn't always available (were talking before cell phones now lol), so I had a back up sponsor, who also "had what I wanted".
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Thursday 28th of January 2010 10:15:57 AM
Whenever I hear that in relation to a sponsor, alarm bells sound for me. I don't deal well with 'muddy waters' and for me the experience of a sponsor being a friend to me as well as a sponsor smacked to me of an unhealthy codependency. I got unnerved & unsettled by it. It may be different cos I'm female - I don't know.
Program stuff became lightweight........ bloody useless it was.............I felt a far greater sense of security, growth and boundaries from my first sponsor in early recovery (which I eventually got from my Higher Power) who was a nightmare. Must have been a Sgt Major in the Army at one time in her life I reckon.....but my God there was no messing about..........no buts.........no messing!
Regarding Dean saying........."Find yourself a cranky old sponsor, in a step meeting, that will put you to work." Yes, for me, I needed a cranky one...........I'd have 'played' anybody else ! !
I did find it necessary to move on from my 'cranky' one after about a year but my God looking back she was EXACTLY what I needed at the time and I thank God for her.........hated her sometimes though! Argh!
Well, Well, Getting a little meat on the bones. Some where in all this a familiar phrase is appearing, " a desperation only the dying understand".. Something about "a fatal progressive disease". That would make any body cranky.
If you want to send a letter saying what you just stated, don't see how it could do any harm.
If you mentioned that you were gaining some sobriety, pretty sure he would be so happy for you.
Just like Mark, I see such a great change in you.
Just happy to see you here today.
When you have some time, tell us how things are going, ok.
Big Hug, Toni
PS. About the "good friend" part, reminded me of when I began my successful relationship with a very strict sponsor, I said with a smile, "I am really looking forward to becoming friends" her response "Well I don't know if we will ever be friends, but being friends is not why I am here, I am here as you Sponsor to work the Steps with you!. (Well I got the picture, no people pleasing was ever going th work with her) Big learning lesson.
-- Edited by Just Toni on Thursday 28th of January 2010 04:23:46 PM
Id pray about it. If the Spirit moves you to continue any type of conversation or relationship with the old sponsor, then you will know what to do and the answers will come. If He ended it, then accept that and move on. Time to find a new sponsor. Keep it simple
