I *know* I can enjoy just one drink... a glass of red wine or a single, thick beer. I *know* I can, so what do I have to prove? I *know* I can have one, but I have one and immediately decide I'll have two. If I make that decision right away, it's conscious, not associated with the affects of alcohol, and totally not problematic (right...). Do normal people know that one isn't worth it? Isn't an option, really? Two doesn't seem like much, 'cept I'm all of 110 lbs, so it's certainly to the point where I feel it. Once I feel it, I can float with it and hit the sack. IS THIS NORMAL? It's what I've seen my mom do for the last 30 years. Bothers me for her, but seems like a decision and not a problem for me. (Yes, this is the rantings and questions of a person who drank last night and fell asleep early as a result.) I really hate ambiguity.
Laurie, I think for normal people (not alcoholics) it's not such a struggle. If you look back on your drinking history, how often and how long do you really keep it to 1 or 2 drinks? For me and many other alcoholics, we have tried controlled drinking over and over again with moderate success and then ultimate failure afterwards cuz it always wound up going back to binging, overindulgence, self-medicating, and tuning out the world and our emotions. In working step 1 to perfection...because it does have to be done perfect to stay sober...You have to be honest with yourself and your drinking patterns. Truly and deeply, do you really think you can control it? If the answer is no....then you fully surrender to that and have no more reservations in your mind that you are powerless over alcohol. At that point, you will know alcohol is poison for you in the short term and the long term. I can't and nobody else here can make that decision for you. You have to make it and with that total surrender, will come some freedom from the obsession and cravings for alcohol. If indeed, you have no battle going on and can totally keep your drinking that limited without any cost to your sanity or spirit...then maybe you don't need AA... Your worries and concerns and the thinking you are describing leads me to believe you sort of are leaning in the direction of accepting that you aren't a normal drinker. If that is the case....surrender. Full acceptance of alcoholism and what alcohol does to you will begin to lessen it's grip on you. Immersing yourself in AA and the steps and all AA has to offer is the medicine to keep you sober so you are not constantly plagued by the disease of alcoholism and you can put recovery in it's place. Also, I wanted to say that recovery is 3 fold..spiritual, mental, and physical...it is so much more than just not drinking. By the time I got to AA, alcohol had done damage to me on all 3 of those levels...severely. This helped me take step 1 without reservation. I wanted to heal because I felt so broken. I have some messed up thoughts sometimes, but I know they come from Alcoholism so it is not that hard for me to ward them off using the tools I have gotten from AA. For today, I know alcohol is not the answer to any of my problems. Hope this helps some.
Mark
Mark
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Laurie, Yes, I've been in your shoes. I used to play a similiar tape over and over in my head. The fact is normal drinkers don't even have the tape or play it. For me playing that tape meant I was pre-occupied (obsessed) with the drink. Step one was the hardest for me. It took years to surrender and some severe penalties: institutions, jail and near death. I used alcohol as a solution to my problems. I found this out after going through the steps. I was a troubled individual with or without the drink. Like Mark stated the diesase is Mental, Physical and Spiritual. AA and the steps have provided me with a better way of life so I don't need to go back to alcohol or drugs to live. It's definitely a gift...... Wishing you well.
Yes, I have been in your shoes also, until I finally hit bottom and it all had to start making sense.
I was one that for various reasons would hide in a bottle when the going got rough. Bad day at work, stress of family or friends, or stuff you see on the news that got to me the wrong way. You know clear the head type of thing.
Before I hit bottom, at times I was drinking almost a Gallon of Wine every 2 days, or on the way home from work a Pint of Whiskey mixed with water.
But then after really starting to follow the steps and have a sponsor the light finally came on.
I now have 7 1/2 years, 8 in June.
So you see if you put your mind to it and work the steps you too can make it and you will have a better feeling about yourself also.
Laurie, the obsession over "1 or 2..." is the indication. Substitute a drink for a ham sandwich or an iced tea, for an example. If you were obsessing, daily, about a ham sandwich or an iced tea, don't you think that would be abnormal? Well non-alcoholics don't obsess about a drink anymore than they would a ham sandwich. They can take it or leave it, or have one and not think about having another for months or a year. It's very hard for us to understand that because we couldn't imagine it. Obsession is 90% of the addiction, because after 72 hours, the physical addiction is not a factor, it's the mental obsession that drives us to drink again.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Wednesday 27th of January 2010 11:20:54 AM
We often define "normal" by what the people around us do. But since alcoholics and problem drinkers tend to gravitate toward the same kinds of drinkers (or in the case of family, it may be hereditary or learned behavior)... well you can see how that turns out.
Head Vs. Heart....Let's Get Ready to RRRRRRUUUMMMBLE!
I'm betting that Head will go down (get that mind out of the gutter, Laurie!) in the 7th round because Heart is more resilient and sticks to the basics.
Head tends to change up it's game right in the middle of the fight and can't keep it's strategy together, becoming an unreliable loose-cannon of a palooka, not a boxer.
Heart, while vulnerable to confusing combinations thrown at it by Head, is more reliable in the long game thanks to its endurance and the honest simplicity of its form.
But can Heart stick to a sound strategy and proven tactics? Yeah, I think so. I'll bet a ham sandwich that Heart will win. You have a strong one.
Laurie, thanks for the post. It struck a chord. Obsessing about having 1 or 2 is one of the things that has scared me about drinking. It would be easy to do, and that voice telling me that it would be okay is so seductive. Rationally I know that I am better off not drinking, and I can tell myself that I do not want to drink. Yet, that idea of having 1 or 2 is out there lurking. The fact that I can be obsessed about drinking and have this inner dialogue is clearly a sign that something has gone wrong. I am just glad that today is another day that I shut out that voice and did not drink.
Thanks Azul, I couldn't have said any better. It's like I can't have a carrot cake or key lime pie or iced cream in the frig and leave it alone. It wakes me up at night and I find myself getting real sneaky eating it several times a day till it's gone. There is definitely a two party dialog going on about these sugary deserts that's insane.
