How do you handle family?

nutmeg022 · Newbie

How do you handle family?

Avril G · Senior Member

nutmeg022 wrote:
I've been seeing a counselor, who has been very helpful. She suggested AA, but she knows that I'm very shy and have a hard time meeting new people. She suggested this message board.
WOW, counsellors recommending this messsage board!!! I LIKE THAT!!

Hi Nutmeg, I am in UK, and I am a member of Alcoholics Anonymous in the real world, which most of us on this board are, but it's not a requirement for using this board that you attend AA, but I can tell you, I HATED being in groups of people, meeting new people was never easy for me, which is probably one of the reasons I liked alcohol so much, gave me confidence, but after a few years the little bit of confidence it gave me initially, it took it all away and more besides.

You mentioned your family and alanon, well this recovery site has other areas, one of which is an alanon board, so why don't you pass this on to your family? If you were to contact AA by phone, you would meet people just like us, who know you are scared of going to a meeting, hell, I never yet met anyone who ever woke up, clapped their hands and said, 'OH HELL, I am sick and tired of bloody drinking, I think I'll join AA'

One girl I know from another recovery-related site I used to use stuck around that site for 12 months, during which time she started to enjoy getting to know us cyberpeople, that she decided to try an AA meeting. She's still around and 10 years sober, so you never know, you may or may not eventually go to a meeting, and it really doesn't matter, but we recommend meetings because they work for US, and part of our recovery is to pass on the AA message, but AA isn't the only way to get and stay sober, so stick around, you will learn more about alcoholism, and can share your problems with people who have been there, done that and got too many T-shirts.

Looking forward to seeing more posts from you, andthere are some really good women on this site (I am assuming you are female??) and feel free to send private messages if you have something to share which you'd rather not go into the public domain.

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Hi NMeg, welcome to the board. Hey just because people are suggesting that you go to AA meetings doesn't mean that they are wrong. Obviously they care about you, not making excuses, just saying don't use it as an excuse to keep on drinking out of defiance. As far as being shy, none of us tap danced into our first few meetings with a top hat and cane. But we did make it harder than it had to be, in our minds, and were pleasently surprised at the relaxed atmosphere, warm welcome, and friendly people in the meetings. Remember that these are the same people that you used to like to drink with, that now have found a way to have a good life without booze. I'd suggest that you call the local AA number in you phone book and speak to a recovering person that you can ask questions, and get a referal to a good meeting in your area. You can begin reading the "Big book" here free. http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm

-- Edited by StPeteDean on Tuesday 26th of January 2010 06:53:46 PM

mikef · MIP Old Timer

Welcome Nutmeg! Congratulations on 1 day.There is a process here,starting with surrender and admitting you are powerless of this disease.I'm telling you being shy is much better than being dead and I highly suggest you get around people working recovery.We are definitely here to share our ESH(experience ,strength and hope)but there is nothing like face to face especially early in surrender.Yes "you' must want this and no matter what others may think or say It has to come from you.Your focus needs to be on your recovery and what the family chooses to do will be their choices.As you come back "to life" in next few days with alcohol working its way out of your body I would suggest you get to a program.,listen for a sponsor and do the work it takes to keep you sober..People around us usually mean well,are mostly frightened and think they can fix us but sometimes we have to let them know where we are at and start to get honest with our feelings.Remember dont get caught up in resentments now about others,what they are doing etc,if you have gotten sober before than you know the road you need to follow.Like we say its not as hard to put the drink down as it is keeping down...Thanks for reaching out I will keep you in prayer,,stick around let us know how its going.... smile ....

louisa · Senior Member

Hi Nutmeg,

WELCOME ! smile

Love Louisa
xx

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

Aloha Nutmeg!! Welcome to the board. Alcoholism is an equal opportunity disease
and will it affects shy people as it does the outgoing so does AA welcome shy people
also. I was and isolater, shy and pretty well kept arms length from the rest of the
world if I could. I hated AA when I first got there and that has flown away mostly
because of the unconditional love I found in the rooms.

A counselor recommending MIP in lieu of meetings!! I was wondering when that
would happen. This is a very very nice place to come and read and discuss and
interact with without going face to face with the pesonalities.

What we do to the family and how they react in consequence is a part of the reality
of this disease. I don't even want to get into that part of a story however you have
done a good thing with the referral to Al-Anon...if they go and if they stick it is their
choice...just like it is your choice what you do with suggestions and drinking.

This disease is reactive at best and you can't be shy or isolative enough to stop
others from being inquisative or caring so get over that.   You are on your own so
you are 100% responsible at the same time reaching out for help. You are concerned
for your life and AA and MIP can help. Stick and stay and listen and learn and practice
or? The family here knows what works and doesn't work.  Keep coming back if you
are willing to get another 24 hours without drink. You can learn how to be sober
here too.    (((((hugs))))) smile

FlyingSquirrel · Senior Member

Just have a drink or two before the meeting, you'll be fine.

Just kidding of course. If you can get a schedule of meetings and find one that is listed as a "speaker's meeting", that means that there will probably be a lot of people there and you can sort of lose yourself in the crowd a little. Since it's a speaker meeting, you can be sure you won't be called on to share - you'll get to hear one or two people with some sober time speak about their experiences. I lucked out, I was clueless and somehow ended up at a speaker meeting my first time. They will probably ask at the beginning of the meeting if anyone is new to A.A., but if you're not comfortable speaking up it's totally ok.

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

It had gotten so bad and I was so miserable with my drinking that what my family thought was of no real relevance. I had a partner at the time that was drinking all the time and I could not stay sober with him so I left him on day 2 of sobriety. My family has been supportive, but they did enable me in the past. It sounds like your family is needling you some and it isn't helping. Nonetheless, it doesn't need to hurt you either. This recovery is for you and you only. Pleasing family will only be a byproduct and they do not have the power to wish you or keep you sober. Dig deep and search for how bad you want this for yourself. For me, I wanted to get sober more than anything. I had almost no friends before going to AA. I have learned how to socialize normally again and have friends. At one time, I was an extraverted person and drinking made me a recluse. I now have reverted back to being the social extravert that I always was. We have to start somewhere and, in my opinion, AA is the perfect place for a shy person to be because we welcome each other and support each other as we are united in a common purpose. Another part of getting sober is doing things that you know are good for you, but they are uncomfortable. You need to do these things in order to change and to get sober. If you stay isolated, that is not going to be enough support to really have quality sobriety. You might abstain from drinking, but real healing can and does take place in the rooms. Trust me. Besides, change doesn't have to happen overnight. It can be gradual...a day at a time as they say. Either way, welcome and I look forward to seeing more of you on here.

In support,

Mark

Aquaman · MIP Old Timer

Welcome Nutmeg!
You don't have to do or say anything in a real-world AA meeting that you don't want to. As members of AA it's our duty, honor and a neccessary part of our recovery that we welcome with open arms anyone who comes to a meeting and wants to stop drinking. There's no secret handshake, AA decoder ring or clandestine initiations. We're just fellow alcoholics who want to help others, and be helped, to stop getting drunk.

I alone have to do it, but I can't do it alone.

You're seeing a counselor - that's awesome! You're on the right track to not just abstinence; but a healthier way of living.

Keep Coming Back - that's what we're here for!

Thanks for keeping me sober tonight,
Rob

nutmeg022 · Newbie

Thanks everyone for your advice and your knowledge. I think I could like it here... smile

I am talking myself into getting to a meeting this week.

msujmccorm · Member

Welcome Nutmeg. If you were looking online for meetings in the area it's a start. I looked online for meetings in my area, called the number listed and was told "you are in luck there is a meeting tonight 6:00 pm". Damn, I was only half heartedly looking for a meeting but thought this must be a "sign" so I went expecting to be miserable. These crazy people were laughing, joking, and having a great time. They got me involved and suggested 90 meetings in 90 days and I thought " I enjoyed it and I'll see y'all next month". That was December 7th and I have been at least once a day since, usually twice. I haven't had a drink either. It's getting easier and so far it's an awful lot easier than coming to every morning dreading the day.
Welcome here and Good Luck. If you have any questions just ask and someone will be happy to help.
Jeff

runnergirl · Senior Member

My answer to you're question is... "I don't." My husband knows about what's going on with me (which is still admitting Step 1 and stopping the drink), but my family of origin has no clue. I don't intend to tell them, either. We don't see each other too much, even though we live very nearby. (Baa, baa, I'm the black sheep.) Anyway, I just want to say that I admire you being open with them... I not nearly so brave! Congratulations and keep up the good work-- it inspires me to keep going with this too.
Laurie

nutmeg022 · Newbie

runnergirl, my family has always been close, but still if I had to do it over again I would have gone to AA first, and tried to get some help there before I told them. I feel like they all look at me differently and handle me now with kid gloves. But we have a lot of family get togethers, and someone would surely have noticed my not drinking...

Just Toni · MIP Old Timer

Hi Nutmeg,

Just wanted to say Welcome!

Hope to see so much more of you...

Toni

ljc · MIP Old Timer

Welcome Nutmeg !!
Do the best you can to keep the focus on you and staying sober. I would highly suggest you begin attending as many AA meetings as you can . Find a same sex sponsor, get a big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and start working the steps asap.

As for your family .. tell them you appreciate their concerns and that you are doing the best you can to get yourself healthy. And yes ... be very thankful that they are trying to babysit you 24.7 -- cuz there are many in our fellowship whose families have written them off and wont have a thing to do with them.

SteveP · MIP Old Timer

Welcome Nutmeg! I was too scared to make it to meetings Face to Face at first, so I started on on-line forums (not this one, I only discovered this one recently). I realized that I wanted more and the online forums gave me the confidence to go to a Face a Face. I'm really glad that I did that. My only regret is that I'm not very good at finding the time to come here as often as I should -- some really great folks on here!

Steve