Well it was last week, I was in the middle of a conversation with someone that i had met a few weeks ago, and she is not in the program, does not need to be.....and so in this long conversation that we were having and I was really enjoying....then made a big old fat mistake....when talking about something else...that is were it got sort of "stetchy".....in retrospect, my very old people pleasing skills kicked in and made a statement that involved someone else, and I....simply put ---- just told a lie......at the time I rationalized it as sort of a little "white" lie, and ever since, that little supposed "white lie" has been in the forefront of my brain and absolutely have to make an amends and I will do so, this week, but what bothered me more than anything were my actions, why would I do such a thing, when I realllllly do know better.
I am writing this cause of the horrible feelings that came about, shame, feeling like an absolute..............just feel in the blanks.
But on the other side of this, thank you GOD for helping me over the years to GROW a very clear conscience.
"It's am inside job", gees does that emcompase just about everything in our behaviour.....
When I was getting ready for the day, I was thinking so much of how this old behavior just used to be second nature.....and how with the time in the AA Program, and rather than continueing to keep flogging myself with the shame in me, as in you should know better!!!!!my thoughts went to "this is just a one day at a time Program" I am feeling better, and making clear plans to make that amends and will do so the next time I see this person, in three days, feeling to do it on the telephone would just be a cop -out.
Such a clear reminder of how that Rigerous Honesty keeps our side of the street clean, and always feels so great.
So I ask my fellow friends here, how you view this, and on occasions - ever - been stuck in your own old worn out bahaviors. ....ever?
Thank You God, that this is just a one day at a time program, and today is just one hour at a time for me to regain how I felt about my own Recovery, and the moral fiber I would have sworn I had grown.....
Thanks for reading this depressing Post, well depressing as heck to me.
Hi Toni! I have something similar with myself when I begin to curse and swear.For years it was like how i spoke you know eff this and eff that.Then when I accepted the God of my understanding into my life and heart I said I would not curse and definitely not take His name in vain.I do not want to cross over to religion here but I do believe that if that happens to me(and it does cause im human) then I can stop and take a look at whats maybe going on with me and better check myself.Sometimes(but more rare than ever) I may just flat out lie,cheat or steal because I did for no special reason,but I will know I did. By the grace of God their is an awareness that we may call spiritual awakenings,the God of your understandings voice in your head or just your more astute conscience..You are correct ,you can't beat yourself up and like our 6th/7th steps tell us,these will be life long workings and if we are progressing in these areas we are doing the'work"What helps me most is I immediately ask for forgiveness from my HP and am willing to make amends if possible..Thanks for sharing from your heart and freeing yourself but most of all feel blessed that you are now in a state of recovery to even have these feelings!!! I wish you peace
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Been there and done that!! The word "promptly" means a lot to me for several reasons; one being shortening my stay in guilt and shame and fear. I'd use the telephone if I knew the number...if I didn't I'd do it your planned way. Why do I do it..."compulsion of the mind...allergy of the spirit". Aren't you glad it wasn't a drink? Do the very best with what you got and turn the rest of Toni over.
I had the compulsion to say, "Say 12 Hail Marys, 10 Our Fathers, 8 Glory Be's and make a serious act of contrition" but I won't act on the compulsion.
Sometimes white lies protect others from hurt...Like when answering "Do I look fat in this dress" and the person really does... I'm sure you know the difference though Toni and if it's bothering you, than you know the routine. Remember the part of how it works that says "Of course none of us is able to maintain perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints." You are human like everyone else so no need to fret and be down on yourself.
Love,
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I agree with all of the above, especially "we are not saints" and want to add "we claim spiritual progress." and it sure sounds to me like you take step 10 to heart.
I don't have a lie, but a daily secret that I have to protect at work; my compensation differs from my colleagues of longer tenure and experience than myself. If they found out it could cause great harm to the whole organization, so, if the subject were to ever come up I would have no choice but to lie to them.
Decided after ready Jerry's recommendation, I picked up the phone, and called and talked about it, owned my own stuff and acknowledged that it was untrue....a lie...
Conversation went well after that, this person is not in the Program, but never the less seemed very bright and was very forgiving....
Yep, first I called it a 4th step, cause of the horrible shame out of nowhere that I felt, that OH so LESS Than feeling, but as you said AM, it was just a street sweeping, now my side of the street is very clean, no dibris at all. Thank God for the 12 Steps, and the Blessings that God has bestowed on all of us, on how to live with ourselves, and His Grace.
Back to Just being Humble little Just Toni,
And THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR LOVE AND COMPASSION in this post, is was very very very appreciated!!!!
PS, TM, if that day ever came, could you not refer to it being something between you and your Boss....? just curious. Somethings is life are personal....as one example, I have a Son that works as a Pychiatrist in San Diego, know he is doing very very well because of the taxes he talks about, but Hell would freeze over....before I asked him how much he makes, and he is My Son.....
-- Edited by Just Toni on Tuesday 26th of January 2010 08:19:29 PM
