I was at my home-group today, and a lady I'd never seen before said something that got me thinking. Paraphrased, she said, "I don't like talking about my time 'out there, so I'm just going to tell you about my day..." and she proceeded to tell a story about how she slept late and had to drive her son to school, because he wasn't up for the bus in time. She didn't even mention booze or anything... LOL! It kind of made me think that maybe I should spend less time telling war stories like I usually do, and follow her example. I mean, it's not like I tell war stories all the time, but sometimes it just seems like I'm living in the past and am kind of stuck there for some reason.
Have any of you ever come across people like that lady in the rooms? Do you think it's okay to just talk about the trivialities of life in meetings, or should we stick to topics related to alcoholism? I think that some AA'ers get all bent out of shape when people stray from the topics of booze or recovery... What are your thoughts?
Yes...but usually it's newcomers sharing about trivialities because everything is so hard to handle at first...In that vain it is related to alcohol cuz in the first few months we flip over everything and could drink over it if we don't learn to hand it over. Now a person with some sober time...yes...but only at less formal meetings that are small and everyone knows each other.
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For me,dumping our problems without tying them to recovery or trying to make it clear what the message is doesn't really further the primary purpose of our groups.,but we can always carry the message by pointing out that whatever our issues are no matter what we are not drinking over them and we are making meetings to further our recovery.We still reach newcomers and they also see that 'all areas of our lives " are affected,even after we put down the bottle, but we continue to work and recovery thru the 12 steps(spiritual principles)is our goal. Less formal meetings among all friends may be covered by "more trivial" stories but we always should remember who we are and where we came from.....my 2 cents is in:) :) ..........
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
YES, of course, we don't really like drunkalogues at every meeting, but whenever there's a newcomers meeting, we need to share something they can identify with, which is not what I did today, from getting out of bed, what I ate for dinner and tea etc.
It ought to be a good balance of What it was like, what happened and what it's like now. As it says in chapter five ..'Our stories disclose in a general way, what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now'
As a newcomer myself, I used to go to a step meeting where there was a bit of a clique of long-term sober women who really hadn't got it right, they discouraged sharing of problems, and spoke only about the steps, quoting them and the Big Book, and I didn't find it helpful at all, so I sought out other meetings.
Eventually, a few people who had also been to other meetings started asking why this meeting wasn't like the others, which caused a major resentment, which resulted in 5 of the 'sober' women leaving the group with a major resentment. Over the years, 3 of them got back to AA having gone back drinking, and one of them died, and no-one knows the fate of the other girl.
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Serenity is Wanting what you have, not having what you want
Always remember non-alcoholic beers are for NON-ALCOHOLICS
K, that's an example of a poorly lead meeting. Of course our comments (shares) in meetings need to pertain to having trouble with alcohol or staying sober/helping others to do the same. That's why discussion meetings are kind of a crap shoot. I prefer step meetings, As Bill sees it meetings, and Big book study meetings. Even a speakers meeting is going to be better than half of the the discussion meetings these days. If you're wanting quality discussion meetings, look for older established meetings, that are usually found at churches. Yes there will be a bunch of old timers there but that's a good thing.
Have to say it drives me mad and I have very little patience and tolerance for that kind of monolgue about tinniest detail of somebody's day - unless it is perhaps someone who is newly sober. (Then, for me it's a different thing - then it's lovely to see how different their days have become.)
I can get to hear that kind of 'self indulgent monolgue stuff' in loads of places - certainly don't want it in an AA meeting. What the hell am I going to learn from that? May aswell just sit at a bus stop and drone on to a stranger as far as I'm concerned.
I'm not talking here about sharing things that have happened/are happening to us and the AA tools we are using to deal with them - be they good things or bad.....but the 'droners'.......Oh God! hope I never become a 'droner' and if I do I hope the Chairperson shuts me up !
OK Louisa! Point made! Calm down !
Much love L xx
P.S. Yes, I find the step meetings far more focussed.
"What it was like, what happened and what we are like now."
If someone's daily triviality illustrates some aspect of the above...great. That's E/S/H. If it's just using the meeting as free group-therapy, It's irritating...but better in a meeting but at the bar.
Yeah, I see what you mean, but I figure if talking about the trivialities of her life helps keeps her sober, then who am I to judge. She's been sober a lot longer than I have so I guess it works for her.
In some cases Life gets in the way and makes people think differently about day to day happenings.
There are times when I think--what if I had been drinking--or if I was still drinking, would things have been different.
For some things if I had not--certain events would not have turned out bad--but still if they had turned out good, other events may not have happened.
For some it is just a reason to vent--and without taking a drink, to makes it easier to cope, if this person had done all these things while still drinking, would it have been the same way.
I have heard shares like that only a couple times. The chairperson reads something at the start of every meeting around here, something like- "Confine your discussions/comments to such issues as they relate to alcohol or alcoholism"....
I don't know, generally when I hear someone share about stresses not related to their drinking, somehow they come full circle and touch on how said event threatened their sobriety, etc...so in that context I think most of the time there is some relevance.
You know I think it shows how peaceful her life has become and how serene. She is not creating drama. It might show how well she is if she is sober a long time. I personally need to hear the consequences of alcoholism as I am quite thick in ways and if I don't hear it, I think that it might not happen to me. I need the sadness at times because its wonderful to watch the miracles in place, which happen to some,
I find that if I attend too many meetings that are filled with trivial whining sessions that drone on, I have to focus on the "Live and Let Live"principle in our program, keeping in mind that some are sicker than others and we are all at different locations in our recovery. That focus can be helpful for me in and of itself. These meetings don't usually have a strong, focused chairperson in my experience. There is a noon meeting everyday where more than 50% of the attendees show up more than 1/2 hour late. I figure this is passive way of failing to acknowledge the preamble or topic, because the late people are often the ones who drone on.
I have the luxury of being able to choose among many different meetings, and I avoid those that are consistently the way of the drone. I agree that this is often normal for a newcomer to share in the way you describe, and it's fine. Among a group composed of individuals with more than a year and much more...., I'd rather move on and go with the meetings focused on literature study, and where people stick to the topic. I attend one discussion meeting that can be a catalogue of what happend this week, but most people tie that into their recovery from alcoholism. If the home group is unified and solid, I've found that these and other issues that relate to the traditions get dealt with in a respectful and loving, but firm and decisive way in each autonomous meeting.
I will say that it's humorous how certain people in my disscussion meeting can take any topic and turn that into a catalogue style share of their doings for the week. What does that mean? OK, I have to add that this share is coming from someone(AKa Me) who at nearly 8 months can barely squeek out a few sentences to share. So I'm a little in awe in a way of those that can blab fluidly, whatever their subject matter.
PS- I think this site is a much better place when one needs to get it off the chest and go on about the day/week/year as others can choose to read or not read, compared to at a meeting where there is captive audience.
-- Edited by angelov8 on Monday 25th of January 2010 02:48:31 AM
-- Edited by angelov8 on Monday 25th of January 2010 02:51:10 AM
-- Edited by angelov8 on Monday 25th of January 2010 03:21:29 AM
It's all about experience strength and hope. If a new comer talks about how good or bad their day was it just that that's where they are right now and all they know. As an older member of AA I feel if I just tell about my day and how great my life is a newcomer might be thinking, if it's that great then he couldn't have been that bad to begin with. So whatevere the topic is I try to tell where I was what I did and where I am now to let them know there is hope if we work the program.
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Tell me and I'll forget. Teach me and I'll remember. Involve me and I'll learn.
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