It's been a while since I've been on the forum and I am doing well. Going to lots of meetings and feeling some interesting changes happening on the inside... I've so much to learn about addiction!!
Someone help me please with this one.... my 22 yr old daughter is in her senior year at university, heavy in the party scene, loves to drink, admitted to me she has had 3 blackouts in the past 3 years, when I challenged her about her drinking habits, she readily admitted she did get carried away and hated (on) the last blackout she had and swears now she is hyper-vigilant about her consumption and assures me she is ok and paying attention. I am not assured. I need wisdom. (she and I are extremely close and I'd like to keep it that way). Without being a nag to her, is there a shortcut to getting her to take an honest look at herself.
Im not sure how far you are into AA as far as sobriety and or the steps. But Alanon is a great way to help One with anothers drinking/drugging. ( I only say that about your progress in AA cuz its hard to work 2 programs if you are not well established or stable in one before starting another ).
I have many loved ones that are addicts/alkies. And I waited until I was sober for a year to begin the Alanon program under some great guidance from AA and Alanon sponsors. Alanon has helped me so much.
Your daughter may just be going thru a 'party period' in her life . She may not have a problem with alcohol. But it still will have you concerned, I know.
Love her, support her without enabling her to drink more than she pays attention to her studies. If she knows of your involvment in AA, then let her know that you are there for her if she should have any questions.
And most importantly ... pray very , very hard that God keep her safe
Hi Carlotta, I think that she's gonna do what she's going to do. All that you can do is keep talking the "be careful" talk, pray and turn it over to your HP. Fear is just a lack of faith. Faith in your HP and faith in your daughter. The worrying is only going to make you old and gray hurt your heart, and not much else. Let it go.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Wednesday 20th of January 2010 05:07:28 PM
Agree with Dean, let it go.....it is not easy, but it is possible.
I was out to lunch with my Son, a practicing doctor here, and he asked me the question: Mom, would it bother you if I had a glass of wine with lunch? I thought that question a little odd as I have been sober for almost 20 years. With the Holidays there are some people that bring wine, and that is ok with me and he is always there too.
We have a close relationship, and if he ever has any questions he is very aware that I would be there, to support him, in any way....
Also the same question, how long have you been sober. That saying of "it is an Inside Job" is so right on the money.
Your daughter knows that you HAD a drinking problem, and now you don't, and she also knows about your involvement with AA and the Steps, right?
When I brought up my Son's question, I was not trying to change the subject, only to point out that each and everyone of us is on our own Path.....
Fear is a son of a bi-tch ...just don't let that fear control your thinking.....we cannot control anything other than our own actions and thoughts and for me that requires Prayers. a lot of them at times.
And as Jerry is always pointing out it represents. F alse....E....vidence.....A.....ppearing.....R....eal.
Hugs to you dear, it sure has been a long time, so good to see you..
Thanks for taking the time to read and think about my post, your feedback has helped me already!! You are so right, it is her journey ... not mine. Just to be there for her when/if she falls!! Carlotta
Aloha Carlotta...some great feedback already and your post reminded me that the strongest piece of information I have is my story which I have shared with my adult children and some of my grandchildren. Because "I know" what it is, looks like, sounds like, smells like, tastes like, feels like and did to my life I let them know that I know and I also know where to go if and when it became a problem with me including blackouts and toxic shocks (over doses) and all the insanity I am able to remember. I tell them my story and introduce them to the solution for me. They have met some of the fellowship and they know why I am wrapped with the fellow ship and am always available to a drunk or suffering family member reaching out for help.
Your experience is gold...don't keep it to yourself. Both programs a founded on AA's steps and traditions and the principles of recovery. If you attend Al-Anon you will notice that the focus is different. We don't focus on an addiction to a chemical but to the addiction to fixing chemically addicted others. Most meetings are open and you don't have to identify as a recovering drunk as it is preferred that we keep other affiliations outside. The texture of the program of Al-Anon is smoother and very inviting. Noners are lovers to a fault. It's the fault they are trying to rid themselves of. It's not the drunks fault at all. LOL
I have many adolescent clients who talk about alcohol lovingly even though one or both parents are addicts. I tell them that their genetics are stacked against them and playing around with alcohol is like messing with a ticking time bomb. I tell them there's about a 50/50 chance of them becoming alcoholics or addicts with parents who have the disease and to be very careful. I also say I know everyone their age parties and drinks and i did too, but just beware and be armed with the knowledge of their genetic background and also the fact that drinking and drugs have already gotten some of them into trouble which is the story I hear from almost every alcoholic in their shares as they discuss how drinking was never normal for them from the start. Now when it comes to you Carlotta...I think you need to practice step 3 as best you can on this one. Of course your will for your daughter is for her to always have the best in life. Gods will may be for her to go through what she has to in order to be whatever person she is meant to be (just as was the case for you). So, step 3 in practice would be to pray and give it over to God. You still love, you still be a mom, but the control is not there...she is an adult now.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Carlotta, I SO feel for you my love, even me at almost 20 years sober has a God-awful time of sober parenting (you might get something from my recent post 'Routine?? What routine?) NOT for what I posted, but the responses I got.
It ain't easy this 'Hands Off, Gob Shut and Mind Your Own bloody business!!' as I have just explained to Biker Bill on the phone, bless him, I bet he didn't expect THAT (or maybe he did - he knows me too well
My youngest daughter is 22 and has just lost (yet to be confirmed, but more than likely, she goes to hospital again tomorrow) her 3rd baby before 12 weeks of pregnancy. I didn't even know she was expecting again, because they lost the other 2 very early, so decided not to tell us until she had past 12 weeks, but due to the circumstances had to tell us, as she had to cancel some family arrangements. Now 'IF ONLY' she had listened to ME, this is her 3rd miscarriage in under a YEAR!!! She shouldn't keep getting pregnant so soon!!!
And this has WHAT to do with ME??? My kids are grown up, they have kids of their own, and the (un)funny bit is - I have to bite my tongue sometimes when I see them being mean to their little ones!!! SAYS ME!!! A bloody falling down drunk who almost burned my family to death in a house fire, and neither knew nor caed where the kids were at a very young age cos I was drunk as a skunk!!! and that was only half of it, a mother I definitely was NOT, ddn't even deserve the title, but the kids stayed with me, supported me in recovery and found their own recovery too, and so what if I don't think either of them has chosen a good enough partner, ( of course, I am entitled to think this, given that I married a child-abuser, a closet gay and a drug addict who robbed me blind!! - 3 different guys, not just one f****d up one) and both my girls have got more mileage out of their relationships than I did out of THREE marriages, so who am I to talk? They both have partners with good jobs, own a house a car and are doing pretty OK thank you very much mother, so I guess I'll just keep coming back and sharing about these 'problems' just as you have my friend, cos as you can see, the answers are out there, all I have to do is ask the questions. And of course these 'Problems' don't really exist, the problem is ME!! I LOVE THIS PROGRAMME
I am very familiar with alanon, in fact when I was living with an alkie, I went to alanon, up until the point where they sussedout that maybe I outa go to 'the meeting across the corridor' (AA) I was most indignant!!! Who do they think they ARE??? I now have a great love for alanon and alateen groups, for giving us a family recovery, but ya know, recovery has to be ongoing, and people are right on the button when they now say to me, 'Why not try alanon?'
No matter how long since the last drink I will never, ever be too old (or too sober??) to learn, and I have learnt so much from this site which is why I keep coming here whenever I can find the time.
KEEP ON KEEPING ON
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Serenity is Wanting what you have, not having what you want
Always remember non-alcoholic beers are for NON-ALCOHOLICS
