I have sort of learned not to pay too much attention to the thoughts that run through my head cuz they are so nutty most of the time. However, as more time passes, I do sometimes get scary thoughts that I know is my disease talking to me. This would come in the form of "You were only drinking so much then because of that crappy relationship you were in. You can handle it now." "Going to a bar and getting a little drunk would be fun." "Maybe you wouldn't smoke cigarettes so much if you weren't kicking alcohol" "You never got fired or lived in the gutter....go ahead and drink." "Your job is so stressful, just drink and relax." I just wanted to share this cuz they are not cravings per say...but just thoughts that come into my head that I have to deal with. I come on here and say a lot of stuff, but I have the same freakin disease everyone does here and my thinking is busted to the point that I scare myself sometimes. So, what do I do with this? Go to meetings and talk about it with my sponsor and fellow AAs. Sometimes I pray for healthier thinking to enter my mind and stop obsessing or having whack neurotic thoughts. What would happen if I didn't? I think we know the answer to that right?
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Hey Pinkchip!Very pertinent and you know why they say 'Complacency is the enemy of those with substanstial clean time" if complacent for too long recovery then ceases and manifests itself in all areas of our lives....After 20-30 years(or whenever) you may think well 'that was then ,this is now,i'm older I have learned better,wont let it take me there I wont drink whiskey ,just wine all the insanity,,WRONG!!!!!This disease is always lurking and wants you back! Even when it is telling you your tired of kids,tired of marriage,holding a job,always working to do the right thing,paying the bills,taking care of others,this is where your sponsor can remind you to 'see yourself comin"and get to a meeting,share like your life depended on it(it does) so you dont end up waking up 2 states away,coming to in someones garage with no shirt on and a sick feeling in your stomach!!!Thanks for starting my day after I spent time in 'my daily office' with my God reenforcing 'WHY ARE WE HERE! Have a blessed day
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Pinkchip, thanks for sharing that. The tape in my head plays some of those same lines, so it was good to see a reminder of just what they represent. Most helpful. Regards.
Glad you're ignoring those stinking thinking thoughts, Mark & recognising them for the obsession they are. John Barleycorn & his lies 'it'll be different this time'. I'm glad you feel you can share them. I had the obsession on me for a few months before Xmas, all about pride, ambition & what else I could do & drink aswell! I am greedy. I thought that would be my having my cake & eating it too as if sobriety & the gifts of recovery weren't enough! It had a right hold.
I shared it all like hell & was so grateful when it lifted. I had to keep on being honest with myself & working this program. Sometimes these thoughts come before a breakthrough & then I see the light again. I had my spiritual awakening just last week after this illness sorely attempted at getting hold of me again. It can be as hardworking as me lol I'm glad I have the solution today & I practice it with diligence. The freedom from these thoughts I have today where I'm not even thinking them is amazing. Keep it on its toes, Mark. Continuing on your way 1Day@aTime ;) Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
I heard something at an AA meeting last night that sort of applies to what you said pinkchip. It was the first time I ever heard someone at a meeting say it (paraphrased)- "In my early sobriety I thought that since I had crazy thoughts and mad cravings that I wasn't ready yet, so I drank and used. I learned that is false, that if I didn't drink or use, went to meetings, listened, and worked a program those cravings would die out and those crazy thoughts would become further apart and less intense."
A relief to this alcoholic that clarity isn't always bundled in the brevity of a moment, but can be realized with time and effort.
Pink...just went thru some of this a couple of months ago for a couple of months and was faces with the working definition of "Cunning" as in cunning powerful and baffling. My solutions were same as yours...take it to the meetings, speak with other especially those who have relapsed to get hints and tips I may not now have in my tool box and of course pray for the follow thru...My thoughts got bizarre and a bit funny. Around Christmas or just after I looked into my refer for a snack and saw a pumpkin pie. I don't even like pumpkin pie all that much but there it sat and as I reached for it and was pulling it out my subconscious (I didn't think this from an intention or desire) asked, "I wonder what beer would go well with pumpkin pie." I knew it wasn't done (the disease) and I wasn't either...took it to a meeting. Thanks for the honest share.
Mark, I don't have all ya'lls measure of dry-time, so I can't offer any suggestions...sorry.
But I can Thank You for showing me that this disease is a life-long condition, like a bacterial infection of the brain & soul that's in dormancy, but actively seeking it's growth medium so it can re-infect.
Your Post reminded me so much of that saying..... "When we are sitting in a Meeting, feeling safe, and "comfortable", it is the Disease that is right outside in the Parking Lot, doing Push Ups!"
The fact that i have not had such thoughts, well for one long time now, does not make me feel safer, it makes me feel more fear, like Holly Cow, my own Disease is doing his Push ups in secret.....
Thank God, this is just a one day at a time Program for I can and I do start each new day with a Prayer that He will help me stay Sober, just for today.....
Great Post, great reminder of how cunning, baffling and oh so Powerful our disease truly is....
Yes it is always there. I find I have less dis-eased thinkin when I'am not thinking so much about me.
That means it's time for me to pump up my program, maybe sponsor a newcomer, or just go down to the homeless shelter's and volunteer my time. Maybe I need to speak and share my story. There are a number of ways this wonderful program can keep my mind busy. It's not all about me, and when I forget that piece I lose my serenity, and no peace can be found.
Just pray for the willingness to go back to ground zero, just to see how grateful you need to be today. Graditude is an action word! So get to work!
There is hope, I heard early on that if you pray for the obsession (to drink) to be removed, it will. I prayed for that every day and at about 7 months, and right after I finished my 5th step it was, I've never had another serious thought about drinking. Oh sure I have those pina colada moments. When I see someone with a fruity drink and my disease says to me "wouldn't that taste good", which is automatically countered by "stfu you moron" lol. Pray daily for the obsession to be removed.
Thanks for the feedback guys. Met with my sponsor last night. I am going over the steps now in the detail they should have been done to start. My current sponsor has 14 years sobriety and I am learning a lot. All negative thoughts do seem a result of what Token Girl said...too much time spent sitting around just thinking about me.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
