Get your mind out of the gutter... I'm wondering what it was like for you all the first time you said out loud, "I'm X and I'm an alcoholic." I might be ready to say those words soon and I'm afraid. Very afraid of what that will be like.
Yes, I was very afraid too but when I kind of got there it felt SO natural and it was amazingly 'freeing' and a tremendous relief. Lots of love Louisa xx
It didn't bother me too much to say because I'd been saying to myself (and joking about it with my drinking buddies since Jr. High school). It's about the same as saying "I'm Dean and I'm hungry". Hungry for knowledge about how to get away from this monster.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Friday 15th of January 2010 11:24:08 AM
1. Relieved that I could say those words out loud. I thought, "Yep. Jim that is indeed the issue."
2. Hopeful that I could start to get a handle on this after a lot of denial along the way.
3. A bit angry/disappointed with myself for that denial as alcoholism crept further and further into my life. It is not like the signs were all that subtle.
Think about what instinctually brought you to this board and these discussions. I suspect that this may help guide you toward that first step. Best of luck.
Finally a relief on what I KNEW FOR A LONG TIME!!Never could surrender though until then......Funny story,may have told this,my first sponsor,gruff old man in mid 70's takes me to my first meeting and I m still twiching and kicking from my last alcoholic stupor and I sit thru the meeting in a coma like state and when were done sponsor said "well kid ,whadda you think? This is 1984,and I said I dont know Bob people semed a lot different than me and really strange,,so he gets angry ,pulls out meeting list and then says "oh sorry kid,we just attended and open gay and lesbian beginners meeting ,we should made tueday night!!We both cracked up and moved forward until he passed soon after.Tell you truth I wasnt really aware of any "gay" scenarios everything was different..I'll never foget that and always remember that blessed ,hard core old alcoholic who took time out to help someone lost but crying out for help....My definite idea of what we should all be about!! anyway thanks for lettin me share that it was the best thing that ever happened to me thru Gods Grace(His unmerited favor bestowed on me) peace
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Feeling the fear was normal...natural and it took me a bit of time to get the words out of my mouth and still they stopped the meeting until I identified. It was an open meeting so I could have identified as a car salesman or choir singer or anything else but then lets get real Jerry F...I was there because I was alcoholic and If I didn't get some very serious help from people who knew the disease in and out; up and down and from practice, "the next time you drink you die" was the result of my assessment and I had no wiggle room for pushing my luck. I knew everyone in the room at that first for sure AA meeting. I counseled them and their children and knew their stories from angles most others didn't. I loved them and they loved me and I was afraid because normally I was always afraid of the unknown. Be afraid...do it anyway. Stop Running Chick. (((hugs)))
For me, it felt like a stupid thing to say....cuz I didnt believe I was one. LOL, but true to my nature, Ill go to any length to fit in...so I said it. Haha, I know better now.
Hey runnergirl, It just occured to me that you're concerned about going to the meeting and having to say "I'm runnergirl and I'm an alcoholic" (there I said it for you lol, just kidding) But no you don't have to do anything. You don't have to speak at all and if you do you can say "I'm runnergirl and I'm glad to be here" or whatever. Say something funny (like you did in the beginning of this thread, we all like a good laugh. Generally speaking people will receive you in a manner that's mostly reflective of how you see yourself. That's human nature and something that I didn't realize until I got here and being in sales. Meetings are pretty informal aside for the format and the nomenclature (AA speak). Just think of us folks as people that you liked to drink with, that now have found a way to have more fun without it.
I never felt like I fit in anywhere in life until I said those words at a meeting and became a part of something. Can't put it into words but I know it's saving my life.
Laurie, At my first meeting I was the strange, new face - so I was greeted with warmth and handshakes and shown where the coffee & food was (my homegroup is a noon meeting, so there's always good grub. 1/2 of the regular AA's are retired or stay-at-home whatevers).
I started meetings in July, so the Daily Reflections & the topic was about Step 7 - "Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings." I was 1/2 way around the room, so I heard stories about people who had identified the worst parts of themselves and learned to live in peace and sobriety with them. Every person who spoke was like a slice of my character; the liar, the thief, the cheater, the coward and the angry-boy. Each one made the connection to those character traits and their alcoholism, and their ability to sequester them to AA. When it got 'round to me I had no hesitation at all.
"Hi, I'm Rob and I'm an alcoholic," and described briefly the six previous days that led me to find AA in the yellow pages.
It felt good, Laurie. It felt really, really good to know that I wasn't a fuc*-up...just fuc*ed up.
Rob, sounds like you found a really good meeting. I hope that's one of your home groups. I've been skipping lunch a lot lately, where did you say that meeting was?
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Saturday 16th of January 2010 06:57:19 AM
I shared bits of this in my response to the "How we get here" thread below. For me, it was a huge relief. It came after a speakers meeting that I had a hard time finding. I raised my hand and it just came out...along with a gut busting share that it took all my strength to get there, I had just crashed my car drunk, I had no friends, was coming off a break up of a 7 year relationship, having to move...etc. So, I literally got mobbed with support, phone numbers, big book, and all kinds of kind words. I have never felt I was with such kind people before in my life. I was raised and still go sometimes to a liberal and very friendly church and the people there are similar, but it is still nothing like AA because they don't all understand my alcoholism and they can't help in the same way.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Dean, It's in Decorah, Iowa in the front annex of Northeast Iowa Behavioral Health Center. It's my lunch hour. I don't know if it's just our group, but I notice a behavioral pattern in recovering, middle-aged women. The majority, when they stop drinking...start BAKING!!!!! Woo-Hoo!
In early fall, once a week I'd bring in a poached trout or two stuffed with shaved carrots & lemon zest (my favorite way to do 'em) and some of those thin Jewish flat-breads that start with an "M" (I can never remember the name). Early winter some of the guys brought in grilled venison cubes...from the backstrap! There's nothin' like wild game in my book; no antibiotics, 100% free-range, and unless they're living on corn from gen-mod or 'round-up-ready' seed wild game is 100% organic AND all the critter proteins are represented...red meat, fish, poultry and in some parts of the country...pork! I like a big fat Mississippi River water-snake a couple of times a year, too. Tastes just like pork tenderloin and doesn't take but two or three minutes to butcher!
Heck Dean, ya'll got plenty of free critter-meat down in Florida suburbs! Gator-tail is good and all you have to do to fish for them is tie a big hook to the collar of a poodle and take it for a walk by the retention pond on a good strong leash. Gator'll practically catch itself!
You've also got armadillos in the T/SP/CW 'burbs. Armadillo is just God's way of serving possum on the half-shell!
But seriously, early Spring tarpon fishing in the gulf flats is on my Bucket-List. 6' silver missile of a fish hooked in 3' of water! O....M......G!!!!!!!
lol -- great topic and great topic name runnergirl.
It was a bit of an out of the body experience for me. I heard myself saying it, but kind of felt nothing, like I was watching myself saying it. On the other hand, it also meant that I didn't feel any shame. In the end, after I said, it felt right.
Easier than I thought. A huge relief. First I knew I was an alcoholic, later I fully accepted that fact. Right away I wanted the promises, and I saw that, "There is a solution". Saying it out loud enabled me to begin earnestly working the steps. I never said it just because everyone else did. It felt right. I have trouble saying anything "deep" in front of others, so I left it at that for a while.
Hey, I thought you were referring to the first time drinking! That's how I know I fit in, cause I'm totally focused on the booze.
-- Edited by angelov8 on Monday 18th of January 2010 03:56:54 AM
It was surreal. Like my brain was screaming at me while I said it or something. "Noooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!! Now I can't be in control anymore!" lol But then of course I felt relieved. And fearful. And angry. And uncertain. And comforted. A zillion different feelings. Don't know if I could possibly describe them all. Sometimes my brain still rebels so I make sure and say the first step out loud every morning.
I'm wondering what it was like for you all the first time you said out loud, "I'm X and I'm an alcoholic." I might be ready to say those words soon and I'm afraid. Very afraid of what that will be like.
