I've been drinking

Aquaman · MIP Old Timer

I've been drinking

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

Aloha AM...keep it simple...you've been drinking because you're addicted and it owns
you right now. You can attempt to put the cause on lots of stuff...the house, the
lonliness, your spouse and what ever else is in range and still you nailed it when
you said you don't wanna be drunk and don't wanna be sober...cunning, powerful and
baffling. I was a past master on the "tweeners" I fence sat and cliff dwelled for so
long it became second nature for me. It is why I took so long to admit I was truely
alcoholic...not a bad person...alcoholic. I have a life threatening disease of compulsion
accompanied with an allergy that could escalate to death.

I never said I didn't want to be drunk before and don't think I'll ever say it because of
my history. I do say I never want to drink again and that sobriety is the only quality
of life I now want to live. I am responsible for my sobriety and what it takes to get it
and keep it. I always have been responsible for that after I acknowledged that I was
also responsible for my alcoholic lifestyle. Yes I was born and raised in the disease
and didn't know it and yes more as I got older I learned more about the disease and
why I shouldn't drink. I drank inspite of what I knew until I arrived at the awareness
that there was no law that said I had to drink when the compulsion was running. My
HP has been more cunning, powerful and baffling than the disease lots of time and so
like the suggestion from the program and Big Book, "I abandon my self to God as I
understand God...admit my faults to HP and the fellowship...and press on as suggested.

Seems like you've done some of that here and might I urge you to call your sponsor
and run to your home group.   Don't drink while trying to tend the fragile ones. This
disease doesn't ever care whose life it takes...even children.      In support. smile

runnergirl · Senior Member

Rob-
I'm not really sure what to say, except that I'm thinking of you. To be honest, I'm in the same boat right now. I didn't make my 30 days, and last night I remember thinking (and voicing) how much I love a good buzz. I'm still away on my three week study adventure... the kids are at home with dad... I have no stress (except missing them all madly) and I broke down. As you know, I'm still having a hard time labeling myself alcoholic, but I will definitely admit that alcohol has amazing power... in good times and stressful times.
Be well...
Laurie

ljc · MIP Old Timer

I remember being in the same boat as the both of you ( Laurie & Rob ) . I also remember talking a good talk, doing the best I could to make ppl think I really wanted sobriety. Only because I had myself so fooled into thinking that same way. I was still into lying to myself, therefor lying to others. And I well remember having to walk back thru the doors of my homegroup and admit having drank.

Oh and tell my sponsor ? Shoot that was killer. I hated telling her and another thing ... she already knew !! she would tell me , " Lori, you aren't fooling anybody but yourself ".

I remember telling her that I really wanted to stay sober, I didnt want to drink. I couldnt figure out why I was drinking instead of staying sober. And she again would tell me, " Lori, you drink cuz thats what alcoholics do, they drink ". It took me a long, long time to figure that one out. She said when I was ready to do anything to stay sober, I would. It took a few more drunks to hit that bottom and that is when I realized that booze was in fact gonna kill me if I didnt stop drinking.

Thanks be to God, He stepped in and took the obsession to drink away from me. I had suffered and struggled long enough.

There is a sentence in the classic Acceptance paragraph on page 449 ( 3rd edition ) that says : Until I could accept my alcoholism I could not stay sober. When I finally felt it in my heart and my mind and my body that I would die if I took another drink is when I got serious about getting and staying sober.

It took some time for this drunk to 'get it'. Im so thankful that God allowed me to live long enough and heed His warning that enough was enough. It was in fact His power that rescued me. Until that point in time nothing or anyone could make me stop drinking.

bikerbill · MIP Old Timer

Aquaman wrote:

No, I haven't called my sponsor or told my homegroup. I don't want to. I'm too damned ashamed.

No - of course you haven't told your sponsor - you didn't want anyone to suggest that there might be a different way. sure you feel ashamed, it's another excuse to keep on drinking, isn't it.

The trigger this week was the lonliness. When we're together we're hardly a pair of first-blush lovebirds, but when she's gone I miss her. Right now this home is just...too much of me for my own good.

yep, that lonliness is a bitch ain't it. Another great excuse for a drink. What else could you have done? Talk to one of your many contacts in the fellowship, go out and be with other people, work with someone who needs your help, pray on it, read something out of the big book, take as bill sees it and find a reading or two on lonliness, go out and play with your children in the park, visit with relatives or neighbours, keep yourself busy, wash the kitchen floor, pick up the f@cking phone or as you have put it before, exercise several muscle groups and a lot of co-ordination and take a drink or several.

I don't want to drink, but I don't want to be sober, either. I know AA is the right way for me...it's just so f**king hard sometimes.

Have you noticed that your periods of not drinking are getting shorter - this is a progressive illness, it get's worse, never better. I feel for you, but YOU know what YOU need to do. Rebuild that stack of things to do before taking a drink and make sure that taking a drink is right at the bottom. Review those actions as often as necessary to make sure taking a drink is still right at the bottom. Back to basics, you are at Step 0. Get hold of Step 1 and believe it, both parts of it. It's so f***king hard you say - well as has been said to me many times, if it was easy we wouldn't need to do it. Now, do you WANT to do it?

Thanks for being a truly anonymous avenue for this share.

Peace,
Rob

rob, i'm sorry if this sounds hard and harsh, but this attitude of mine (no matter what, i will not take a drink today) sees me through and will see you through, long enough for the mists to clear and for you to get back on track. Sympathy won't help you. You don't need someone to hold your hand while you drink yourself out. But when you are ready to do anything and everything to not drink, man that's when people will hold out their hands and say come on brother, WE can do this.

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Aquadude , the only thing you can do now is learn from this and move on. Shame and blame is only your disease trying to keep you from going back to meetings. I had the same problem in that when no one was watching I'd get compulsive. I called it my "dark side". Now that you know this about yourself you need to work on it. "To thine own self be true". Think about what that means. Next time that you're going to be in this situation (wife gone for awhile) have a plan, tell your sponsor the wife is leaving, tell some of your AA buddies, go to a meeting the day before and plan for more while she's gone. Chances are that you thought about this (drinking) before she left and haven't been to a meeting lately. I know, that when I was relaspsing, there were quite of few things missing from my program. When I got really serious about staying sober I did everything that I'd ever heard of, that people were doing in order to stay sober. I didn't miss a daily meeting for 3.5 years. Meeting makers make it. I had two home groups and both were 12 step meetings. One was on Monday at 5:30 right after work, to get my head right for the week, and the other was 8pm on Friday to get my head right for the weekend. I attended noon meetings most week days and a lot of days doubled up with a nightime meeting. Saturday and Sunday I went to 7am meetings so that my day would be free to be with my family. The more hard core I was about my sobriety, the more secure that I felt about the continuation about same.

-- Edited by StPeteDean on Tuesday 12th of January 2010 06:23:34 AM

turninggrey · MIP Old Timer

Hey AM and Runnergirl,
I agree with all the above posts, but here is another input. You are both still relatively new to the program and that the standard is not to quit once and life is beautiful. That happens to a rare blessed few. The standard is what you both are going through. It is not out of the norm. Not to bore you with me, but I lapsed after 20+ years, I went right back to where I was as a drunk, (I really don't subscribe to the theory of counting my days, but I think it was over a year ago) and the program and the love of sobriety kicked in and I am again sober 24 hours a day. By the way, the more sobriety you get, the easier it is to see how good sobriety is by contrast. Just follow the program. AM, get with your sponsor and get back to the basics. No one will look down their noses at you. Runnergirl, you need to realize that when you go away like you have done, it is real easy to just take a vacation from the program and your higher power. Just get back on your horses, and ride slowly. Learn the lesson that it is really easy to fall and that you need the program/ your HP to keep you in the saddle.

louisa · Senior Member

Hello,

One of my favourite pieces of writing regarding slips comes from page 11 in As Bill Sees It. Below are the extracts that helped me the most.......

"About this slip business - I would not be too discouraged. I think you are suffering a great deal from a needless guilt

God/HP is not asking us to be successful. He is only asking us to try to be. That you are surely doing and have been doing.

So I would not stay away from AA through any feeling of discouragement or shame. It's just the place you should be.

Above all Take it One Day at A Time."

(I inserted HP after God as that is what I use)

much love,

Louisa xx

mikef · MIP Old Timer

Hey Aquaman! looks like back to step 1,2,3,etc.....There is no shame in relapse,only shame is not making it back!!! Dig in Robb,BETTER TO BE ASHAMED THAN DEAD! smile

Dodsworth · Senior Member

"I don't want to drink, but I don't want to be sober, either" - Pretty much sums up my last 2 years. Just here to say I've been there a hundred times in the last 18 months especially: drinking despite knowing everything about my condition. Keep yer head up.

jasperkent · Senior Member

Rob and Laurie, I can definitely relate to where you are as I've been there many, many times. You are not alone. Most people don't "make it" after the first, second, or third try. We are alcoholics. The fact that we stay sober any length of time at all is a miracle.

Speaking personally, the desire to drink has been lifted but the desire to "feel different" has not gone away completely. Maybe it never will. I do know that I want to be sober more than I want to be high. That has not always been the case.

I could not think my way into acting sober. I had to act my way into thinking sober.

I also know that when I'm alone I am all by myself in a bad neighborhood. Talk to someone. Get to a meeting. At the very least, keep in touch with us here.

We love you and we understand.
Please keep coming back.

Azul · Member

Rob,

Any updates? Hope that you have put down the drink, called your sponsor and gotten back to a meeting.

Azul

Just Toni · MIP Old Timer

Hi There Rob,

Have you been drinking the whole week, or just started a few days ago, like the week end? Just curious.

You mentioned that the Trigger was your wife's absense, as in How much I miss her.

My own inner thinking was that the real trigger was your Disease saying hey, she is gone, great excuse to come back to me, and let me have you, (the cunning, baffling part of the life threatening disease)

My own experience when my drinking was so out of control, got into the Program for myself, but mostly my husband, to make him feel proud of me for trying so hard, then the relapses were there, and he would always be loving and forgiving and say, ok, Toni, just start over.

Back then I did not really understand the cunning, baffling nature of the disease, but I was living IN the cunning, baffling nature of the disease.

I recall it like it was yesterday, and that is a real great tool to remember. I had a very life threatening disease that would ALWAYS tell me I did not have a disease, just cut back, use the moderation, and any other rationalization that my truely alcoholic part of my brain could come up with.

Felt bad for you, just as we all did.

Your first drink came at the end of the relapse Rob, not before(When you read that Gorsky book, it explains all of that.) Well if you read it.....(see below)

As a 10 year chronic Relapser can tell you honestly that every time I relasped, it started getting so much harder to go back, and today my own interpretation of that was that the Disease, the Progression of the Disease was gaining strength...the Progressive part of this disease, in my little opinion has a complete living and breathing life of it's own.

Dean is always talking about that Gorsky Book, I want to call it Relapse Prevention, but I do believe the title is Living Sober, a Guide to Relapse Prevention. I have had and read that book, and Gorsky is brilliant in how it breaks down the moments, the thoughts, and how one goes about "setting himself" up for a slip, (personally I dont like that word 'Slip") it has such an almost gentle feel to it, and the Drunk, in any given Relapse is back on his way to getting drunk and staying drunk

We do not have any human defense against picking up a drink, no sponsors, no loving spouses, nor any great and loving rooms full of other recovering drunks, or anyone else to keep us from picking up.

Your Sobriety is based on a Spirtual connection to a HP, whom I choose to call God.

And Rob, May you find HIM..... NOW.

Hope to see you back soon with the news of crawling back in the boat, with this new lesson, well learned.

Praying for the above my friend.

Toni

Bill said it all.....We don't drink, no matter what or if our ass is falling off, and in Recovery, just doing life and Sobriety one day at a time, and on Life's on Life's terms, have lost my ass a few times. biggrin

Toni

-- Edited by Just Toni on Monday 11th of January 2010 08:37:39 PM

Avril G · Senior Member

GREAT POST BILL - I can't think of anything to add to that love. After MY last drunk (at least I HOPE it was my last) having been 'loosely connected' to AA, and oldtimer told me, 'Avril, you know a binge can be a kick UP the steps, rather than a kick DOWN them.

michaelchef1 · Member

Hello friend, I think you were gonna drink anyaway whether she was gone or whatever the reason because the obsession to drink hasn't been lifted yet for you. I wanted to yell at you but yelling at me never did any good. I'd had a priest come visit me in a hospital and offer up last rites AND still drank later on bout 8 months later. You have to take the steps if your gonna stp drinking and you won't take the steps UNLESS YOU WANT TO STOP DRINKING. Otherwise you're just full of shit like me. Everything in life starts with a decison (see step three) if you don't make you don't make a decision a decision to stop drinking you won't stop drinking. I know lots of folks who are as full of it as I once was. I know lots of people who come in and out of the swinging doors of AA and are ever remorseful but not really serious about it. You will drink if you don't take the steps if you are alcoholic. And the doors will always be open whether or not you are still full of shit or serious. No one know who will get sober and who won't. Personally I don't care if you drink I don't care if anybody drinks. I only care whther or not I drink and today just for today I did not drink. love Michael

Aquaman · MIP Old Timer

Update:
Thanking my HP tonight for a sober day today. Today's Daily Reflections was great. "Admitting I am powerless over alcohol" and practicing that step 100% of the time every day. This disease sucks.

Yes, I called my sponsor. I got his voicemail. That was 12 hours ago. I think I need a new sponsor.
Yes, I went to my homegroup meeting and 'fessed up to a four-day relapse. The hands and hugs were there. So were some politely couched stern warnings as well as acknowledgments that I'm doing the right thing in coming...right...back into the rooms of AA.

Thanks for your tender concerns, heartfelt responses, solid encouragements, experienced opinions and even the drill-sargeant-esque brow-beating...I Love You too, Bill.

I was just thinking....

Every ancient culture has it's own form of martial arts. Very few people know this, but the ancient Anglicans have a specially effective form of martial arts. It's call FahkYaMa't and it has one brutally effective combination of moves. The only combination of moves, actually. The FahkYaMa't Master moves to within a hand's length of his opponent's face, smiles disarmingly, yells "FahkYaMa't!" and then stomps on his opponents instep with the heel of his Doc Martin's while simultaneously head-butting him on the bridge of his nose. 100% effective. 0% subtle.

I am willing that my HP may bless me and help me to be well,
Rob

louisa · Senior Member

Great stuff Rob! smile

love
Louisa
xx

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Rob, I'm glad you made it back...though a 4 day drinking spree is longer than the last relapse...echoing what was said before...Don't let sobriety take a back seat to anything please...ever... If your ass falls off, pick it up and go to a meeting. How many meetings do you go to a week? At this point, I would suggest 7 at least not because I'm telling you what I think will work...just that it is what I know worked for me. I reached a point at around 5 months of sobriety where I had to start doing service too or I thought I might stop taking the program seriously. I haven't done everything perfectly in this program at all, but drinking just hasn't been an option. Yeah...people say it's always an option....but I am not going through that demoralization again. My sobriety means more to me than anything and I just want you to have the same...truly.

Mark

Avril G · Senior Member

Ayup Rob, good to see the big difference in you, put yesterday behind you, and leave tomorrow in front of you and carry on with what you are doing TODAY.

To put it another way - If I have one foot in yesterday and the other foot in tomorrow, I am pissing all over today.

Simple · Senior Member

Rob - I have nothing new to add to the great comments you have received, except for yet another voice with that sometimes annoying saying, keep coming back. I'm glad that you called your sponsor and told your group. Alcoholism is cunning, baffling, and powerful. So now you have a lesson learned and another sharp piece of knowledge about the power of this disease. It may help you stay sober in the long run, if you are honest, openminded and willing.

Just Toni · MIP Old Timer

Hi There Rob,

So very happy to see you back. Felt yesterday that possibly I was one of the
"hard asses" to your Post.

and my comment about "We will experience a time when we will have no Human Defense against the first drink", hindsight, perfect right? Wish so much that I had followed that thought all the way through.....as in when left to our own devices.

Anyway, just happy to see you with all the We stuff, calling your Sponsor, even if you did not get ahold of him, and going back to your meetings, and really studying the part of the first step.

And what Avril wrote, just want to ditto: no matter what, Keep Coming Back.

Hugs, Toni

-- Edited by Just Toni on Tuesday 12th of January 2010 02:16:19 PM

Aquaman · MIP Old Timer

No matter what...keep coming back, because I AM AN ALCOHOLIC and this is where I belong. No human power can manage this disease. I must be willing to join in God's mysterious circle of Faith...as it is passed back and forth like the tiny mysterious space between God & Adam's hands on the ceiling of the Cistine (sp?) Chapel.

Another sober day. That's what matters most.

Peace,
Rob

bikerbill · MIP Old Timer

Rob - glad you're back, Brother. remember that your honesty helps you and helps others. a drink can be a kick up the stairs as opposed to a fall down the steps.

carlasober · Senior Member

Welcome Home, Keep Coming Back!

newcomer · Senior Member

Good stuff, glad managed to get back so quickly, yes, get another sponser if they are not there for you. My sponsor has been fantastic while I was snowed in. She rang, or I rang, we had hours of conversations, many of the frustrations I felt passed because of her service work. I am truly grateful as that is really needed with this dreadful disease. Every day, I get the little voice going, "you weren't so bad" yes I was. You weren't ill, I was really ill. My career had gone down the toilet, its still there but I'm sober. Get and do whatever it takes. Today, the roads were still bad for me, so bad, my son's school bus went into the ditch, spun around the road but he walked home safe. HP was looking out for him and me. You will be gone for your wife if you proceed with this disease. It will remove the person she loves and needs, that is the very nature of the disease because alcohol will always come first. I pray for you and hope that you can stay sober today.