I was thinking about the last time I drank a couple of weeks ago and why that scared me. I simply could not stop. It was almost like an out of body experience except for the hangover and embarrassment the next day. Somehow made it back home (no driving, took taxis) and fell asleep on the dining room floor. Fortunately my wife got up early and dragged me upstairs and into our bedroom. It is bad enough that she saw me in that state. I would have been doubly mortified had my son (11 years old) seen this. Looking back, there are definite gaps in that evening and the idea of so totally losing control and mentally checking out is what scared me to death. Even I could figure out that this is a problem over which I have no control. One of the definitions of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Keeping limits, moderating, etc. have clearly not worked. The only solution for an alcoholic such as myself is to admit the problem and to not drink ever again. My experience quitting smoking 25 years ago suggests to me that the process of making even positive changes can be challenging and at times highly unpleasant. So far, that is the case with booze. I am getting a little tired of obsessing about alcohol. That said, I will succeed in making this change. I just cannot let this issue screw up my life.
Hi James. Your story sounds a lot like mine. I knew full well that I could not drink safely any longer but I continued to. I hope that you're able to make use of this great program and members to quit while you're ahead. Many of us couldn't until "all of all our score cards read zero". I was lucky that I only lost a marriage, and a good job and was able to bail out at age 29. The first year was a challenge but it's been a wonderful life, better and more complete than I ever imagined since. I'm working on having a big 50th birthday bash in about a month and a half and you're invited.
Dean
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Sunday 10th of January 2010 01:28:17 PM
I used to sit in utter shock and shame after some of the things I had done in my drinking and THOSE were the things I remembered !
I went to AA- felt at home right away but I thought, Mmm! these people went far further down the road when they were drinking than I ever did, I haven't in prison, I haven't done this or that ........
So I didn't commit to this programme and put down the drink till 6 months later - by that time I had put someone in hospital. I was the most peaceful placid gentle person till I picked up a drink. I was horrified. The shame - the not wanting to die but not wanting to live - a shell.
Finally I thought I can't live like this any longer so I said to myself ok Louisa, commit to the program for 3 months and if you're not happy you can always go out and have fun again .FUN ! ! ! What fun??? How insane! ! The fun had ceased years ago - It seemed no matter how much I drunk - it wasn't enough. Paramedics constantly attending my home.
Azul, giving myself those 3 months was the best thing I ever did. Yes, it was tough at times but nowhere near as tough as drinking had become with all the hell that came with it. The panic attacks.......the paranoia........that feeling of utter desperation.
I now experience joy that I truly know I never ever experienced before - even BEFORE my drinking days. Took time for me to accept an idea of a Higher Power so I made the AA groups my power and my first sponsor. Eventually changes in me started to happen and nobody was more suprised than me.
Divorce, unemployment, car wrecks, jails, hospitals, mental wards...again and again and yet I relapsed many times. I would pick up that first drink knowing exactly whatwould happen, and still drink anyway. THAT is true insanity.
I like Jasper's side of the story because it speaks of my bottom...the point of no return as I experienced it. I related to the drinking journeys because it took away my uniqueness which made me different and kept me running; and not any longer.
For me the absolute bottom and sign that I truely had had enough was when I reached out to another drunk and said, "Please help me". Had I not done that I would have died in a state of insanity that was appaling and then later revealed unnecessary.
Practice standing, or sitting, or kneeling or laying on the ground and reaching out beyond yourself toward another recovering alcoholic and saying these words, "Please help me" and then follow where that fellow leads you. You know how to be and stay drunk. Use someone elses sober brain to get sober. In support
You know nothing stopped me from drinking but drinking. Until I horrified myself enough I just still felt I had another one left in me. Many times I took breaks from drinking cause I didn't have any plans or designs ready for the next scenes...I needed players, actors, behind the stage people. Oh need a place where all my plans could be laid. When I stopped getting the players and seen I wasn't running the show....then I got SCARED!
It's hard to say but it happened this way for me....keep drinking, and drinking. Cause if the consequences don't stop you, our family or jail...Alcohol will surely do the job!
A spiritual awakening is needed, in order for you to get the spiritual part of the program which will keep you willing to do whatever it takes to not drink one day at a time.
-- Edited by tokengirl on Monday 11th of January 2010 10:40:27 PM
Yeah...that is the truth Token Girl...I horrified myself on my last drunk. I was so out of control...all ending in what could have been a fatal car crash....
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
