I just had an interesting conversation with a friend and thought I'd share it. But first, some background information.
When I was newly sober, I dated a guy for a few months and it ended when he gave me herpes and then denied that he gave it to me, judged me for it and broke up with me. Yeah, nice. But on the other hand, I was pretty much just dating him because my friend had a crush on him and he had a motorcycle. So I wasn't too well either. But he had bigger issues - he got to AA because he had killed his best friend in a car accident. Well, after he broke up with me he started dating "the prettiest girl in AA" - and as I recall that was her official AA nickname. He immediately told her about giving me herpes and feeling bad about it, so she told my best friend who told me. He never made amends, but I guessed he cleansed his guilt by telling her.
Now, skip ahead 24 years. We are both still sober, but rarely see each other. I have another friend (Mary) whose husband is friends with him still. Mary calls me last night to tell me that he started dating someone who now has 4 months (let's call her Jane). So he and Jane both have herpes and did the "talk". Then this guy starts telling Jane all about me, how he gave me herpes (and he gives her my full name), says he owes me a huge amends and has always felt guilty about it. Then he goes on to tell her about how I was "the one that got away" and how in love with me he was, and how he could have seen us making a family together (btw we were both 18 at the time). My friend was shocked at all of this and was wondering what the F is wrong with this poor guy. I've always wondered how he has stayed sober since he never made amends for that, but now I'm thinking he's just told every new girlfriend about it to ease his guilt!
Anyway, I haven't really thought about him in years and when all this came up I realized that although it was truly devastating when it happened, I have been completely free from all resentments or worries around it for a very long time. I'm okay with having herpes and could care less if he makes amends (except maybe for his own freedom). It's even a funny coincidence that when Jane was telling Mary about having herpes, Mary told her she has herpes too. Mary told Jane about a good friend (me) who was very helpful. Mary told her how I tell other women all the time to get them through the guilt, and how it helped me in the long run to build healthy relationships and stay safe. Right after saying that Jane told her the conversation she and the boyfriend had about me, and then Mary said "that's the friend I just told you about that helped me through my herpes worries!". Such a small world, it cracks me up.
So I hope this story wasn't too confusing, but it made me really thoughtful. I have always wondered how he stayed sober without making amends, but I also now realize that it has eaten him up all these years. That makes me sad, but it is also a lesson to me for when I don't want to make amends. I know that I am risking drinking when I don't make amends, but he has always stuck in my mind when I want to think that's not true. Well, it may not ALWAYS be true, but if I don't drink, I'm pretty much not happy and free either.
And funny, I'm not even angry about him telling so many people about me having herpes, maybe because I freed myself of that by telling so many people myself! Gotta LOVE sobriety!
I found your story truly amazing....at the lengths some will go to. What is that old saying, "Six ways around Sunday" or something like that. Think your old bf might have misunderstood that part of the Program when it teaches us to go to any lengths,
I had a dear friend that really 'fell' for this guy, and on one occasion they did not use a condom. She was not, nor did not need to be the Program....but would watch her go throught some very hard times with this new Herpes, she was single, and just like your old bf, he broke up with her, when she talked about the new diagnosis, and his remark, was "Well I guess I should have told you, and was going to, but I forgot".
Well just like you, she moved onto into a wonderful and loving relationship with a man that was positive with the same virus. And they got married several years ago and still very happily married, just like you....
There was a book on the best sellers list for years, many years ago, you have probably heard of it, "Men Who Hate Women, and the Women that Love Them"....truth, it was a truly amazing read, I did read that book several times, cause I thought I just might be one of them, but my point to this was that in both cases, that both of these men that give out the virus like an offering of a candy....those guys are surely in that book......my opinion.....
Thanks for sharing that story.....
Happy sober day to you and happy for you that you are so inspirational to all of us.
Wow! Your better than me on that subject...Well in a way he felt he was doing service by telling all the women after you! Knowing he had maded that mistake and lost you for lying by omitting the truth. He felt if he shared about you and his herpes women would see him in a better light? Don't really know but that's what I go out of your story.
God's punishment can be worst than any us humans can give, just continue to forgive him and help others!
My take...God doesn't punish (not to be argumentative or split hairs w/ Token girl). I think he punished himself by not doing god's will. Then of course he confused god's will with desires for sex and companionship...tricky subject. I would pity that guy, but I'm not the person he gave herpes to.
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