Been in the program for a while now and it is just now occuring to me as of late how important having a higher power in my personal life is. It's real easy for me to go to a meeting and talk the talk. Bringing it home in my own personal life is a different story. As i read the Big Book now all I see are references to staying sober through the help of my H.P. Dr. Bob makes a reference in his story as to the rest of the stories in the Book that these continuing stories all have to do with how these alcoholics found a God in their lives. Not how they necessarily got here or stayed sober but how they found God. I look at it this way. I don't come to meetings or work the steps to white knuckle it. It's the spiritual awakening that appeals to me the most. If there is one thing in life that I desire the most it is this spiritual awakening. And maybe a drivers license. Just kidding. Haha. This spiritual awakening is finding peace and living the program in my daily affairs. God as I understand him is constantly evolving into more and more of a necessity in my personal journey through this program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I would like to hear other peoples thoughts on this subject. Appreciate it.
Truth, when I turned on my computer, always check my emails first and when I saw that you had sent me an MIP message, I swear, my heart just woke up and I could feel it smiling.... (just like that) like OMG! There he is, my precious wonderful long standing friend, that had wondered off, and he is here, Justin, you are one young man that has occupied a space in my heart always.
About finding a Higher Power, it has been and probably for all of us the most personal of sobriety needs, and for me it was a "want" for just about a year, my first year, was so focused on not relapsing, and I used that little beloved 24 hour Book, took it with me, and used it always during the day, as you know it is a very small little book, with a Thought, Meditation, and Prayer for the day we are in always, and I used it like it was a four volumn guideline reference encylopedia. As the days turned into weeks and the weeks into months, inside I began feeling it was difinitely instumental in my continuing to not Pick up a drink, one day at a time.
And that "want" was like a thirst for inner piece,and to find that connection to a HP, that I now definitlely choose to call God, it was so much stronger than any desire to use alcohol again.
It has taken me many years to understand that what I found at first was a God that was NOT of my understanding, and the day came, when I celebrated my one year of Sobriety with my wonderful and amazing group of friends in my AA Meetings in Portland. It was on that day, I recall it like it was yesterday, YES, there is A GOD, and it is that GOD that has saved me from an Alcoholic death.
The Journey to that revelation started when I begged a God, NOT of my understanding to please show me a different way, and my compulsion for alcohol, the compulsion that had controlled my entire existance was REMOVED.
So now perhaps I am one of those people you could call a Poster child for you don't have to believe in God, JUST ASK HIM ANYWAY......
In a PM, I will send you my email, want so much to catch up, and find out about where you are living, still with those awesome parents, and a lot of other items too.
The only thing that MATTERS Justin, is YOU are here, and I Pray that you will stay here, on MIP. You were a piece of the weave of this fabric that has been missing.
Ok, dont want to get soppy, too late for that, haha. Just know how you have been missed my your sissy, ok?
Love and a big fatter that I can even imagine, hug to you!!!
Had to read and read an re read in your first paragraph, this part, and i quote.
"As i read the Big Book now all I see are references to staying sober through the help of my H.P. Dr. Bob makes a reference in his story as to the rest of the stories in the Book that these continuing stories all have to do with how these alcoholics found a God in their lives. Not how they necessarily got here or stayed sober but how they found God. "
Initially, my take on your last sentence is this: They are interconnected, not seperate. Will limit this to my own experience with Alcohol, it was the driving force of my life, went through so many years with the compulsion to drink, being stronger than any compulsion to ever stop, no matter how much I how much I "desired" to quit drinking.
I experiened that compulsion like a 80 mph hurricane, no stopping it, until that day that all I wanted was to end my own existence, did not want to continue living as a drunk that could accomplished nothing but get drunk. I wanted out, and when I failed at that attempt is when I did ask that God, not of my understanding to show me a different way. They call it now the Gift of Desperation, I was a desperate person.
The 80 mph hurricane stopped blowing, I began going to one meeting a day at 600 pm, and my only thought was to get to the one the next day. I had done a lot of damage to my body, and needed some time to allow my body, my mind, and firstly my spirit to heal.
OK, just had some thoughts that I need to share, so glad you are here Justin, cannot tell you how much....
Justin, Nice to meet you. Looks like you've been around awhile. Please come back and help us stay sober. My Spiritual Awakening was a progression. It came and I didn't even know it. I'd been in AA for about 1 year, worked the steps with a sponsor, went to meetings and prayed in the am & pm like they told me too. I changed and my life got better. I meditiated on this subject several times and picked up the book: A Spiritual Awakening (AA Lit) and read a story in there that changed my perception. The story was mine, I just hadn't heard it yet or realized it. A Spirtual Awakening is being able to do things that I could never do under my own devices. Like: staying sober, having peace & serenity, be happy with me, not people pleasing, not being codependent on others etc...... This cleared my mind and established my relationship with God. Fear turned in Faith.
Aloha Justin...The way it happened for me was that the fellowship reintroduced me to God. The fellowship got me to stop running and when I stopped I felt that gentle bump against my back which my sponsor and the fellowship told me was God catching up to me. I "knew" about God but not thru experience and the mind that I "knew" God in was going away. I "knew" alcohol better and deeper and at one time trusted it like people trust in God. I substituted because of the effect and in effect thought of alcohol as my/the higher power. Of course that was irrational, cause and effect thinking and rationalizing and I needed to be in the fellowship to stop and unlearn what I was practicing. Today I practice what I learned with another sponsor; 24/7 meditation. I cannot not be without God. It is impossible. I can run fast and long and never get out of sight of or mind of or love of my HP. I am where HP wanted and wants me and am doing what HP wanted and wants me to do...I don't run anymore.
Justin, thanks for sharing. Also thanks to everyone for the great responses.
Finding God has been a tough road for me and no doubt my many relapses reflect that difficult journey. As a teen I was militantly atheist. In my 20's I was a confused agnostic. Through the years I've explored many religions and philosophies, learning much from them all but never feeling a personal relationship with God. I still struggle with that at times.
When I first got sober I used Group Of Drunks as my HP. Later, it was Good Orderly Direction. Sometimes I think it's Mother Nature; sometimes it's Love. Usually it is a combination of all these things and more.
All I know for sure is that my HP has been with me all my life whether I knew it at the time or not. If you knew how many times and in how many ways I've cheated Death you'd understand that conclusion. My Higher Power wants me around for some reason.
I try to remember to pray even when I'm not sure what I'm praying to. When I pray, things go better. I am grateful for my life and everyone in it. It is hard to define my HP but it's there. My faith may be fuzzy, but it is true faith nevertheless. Definitely bigger than a mustard seed.
Hi everyone and thankyou for your responses. I can relate Jasper about why I'm here and not six feet under. We do have a purpose, a greater purpose. It starts with getting sober and being able to live without being under the influence. Now, as a good friend of mine says, it's about God demonstrating through me a genuine need to help others and be a living demonstration of the Big Book. I just got done reading We Agnostics. A little more reading left to do and my sponsor has given me the go ahead to start my 4th step. I've done a couple before so it's not as scary as it once was. Once again, thankyou friends!
Justin, it says CAME TO BELIEVE, not "found". This has been important for me.
It was not until I realized that I did not have to DEFINE God, that I truly found him.
Every human characteristic I would put on God would leave room for error, as when I put human characteristics on my HP which I call God, on some level those characteristics will not make sense, as there are limitations to ALL human charatceristics, emotions, motives. And for me to stay sober, I need "One who is ALL powerful, may you find him now". Let me explain.
I think to myself, "Ok, my HP is all-loving, loves everyone". Then why are children born without limbs, highschool kids coming down with HIV/AIDS from blood transfusions? How can one Tsunami be allowed to wipe out millions of people in a matter of hours? Putting this "human chanracteristic", of the emotion of Love as I UNDERSTAND LOVE, makes for an imperfect God, who does not have the power to help me stay sober. If there is a chink in my explanation of God, then I can find a way to rationalize stepping away from my HP for long enough to get drunk.
Another example, is thinking to myself, "God is forgiving". But I can only understand, with my finite mind, the concept of HUMAN forgiveness. There is always something I can think of that just can't be forgiven. At least not by me. (Things that just go beyond my OWN human limitations). So I put the concept of forgiveness, only as far as my mind can understand it, upon my HP, and my HP will fall short somewhere. I need to have an HP that has unlimited power. And I have FOUND an HP that is unlimited, simply by no longer trying to DEFINE my HP in human terms. "There is a power out there greater than me, PERIOD." It is finally OK for me to say "I don't know and haven't seen, but I believe. Period."
I am coming from a position of being human, and only being able to relate to characteristics and rationalizations that are human. I cannot even begin to think of being able to understand the ways of a Higher Power that is so powerful, he/she/it is able to help my friends and I in AA stay sober. For me, at some point, I had to stop trying to define a Higher Power, like when they ask you to draw your family in kindergarten. Because if I have to "draw" my HP, then I limit him to what I can comprehend or imagine or understand. I have to HAVE an HP of my understanding. Nowhere does it say i have to be able to make YOU or anyone else "understand".
The closest I have ever been to "finding" my HP is when I realized that defining him is not a requirement of having one. I believe in a God that is a powerful "something", and I give myself the advantage of not having to be able to express or explain that something, OR the limitations of it's power. Which frees up that something to work miracles beyond my understanding, or even my imagination.
I might often pray something like this:
"God, I thank you that I don't HAVE to understand you or 'find' you because you have always been here, and that you are so great and powerful, I can trust you without having to have a human understanding of you. That I can have faith in you by simply believing that you exist, and by understanding that you are the reason I am sober today, however you made that happen. I don't have to know the reasons for the way things are, or the reasons you would want to help me. But I know that you have helped me, and I am satisfied with that, and thank you for it."
God "as I understand God", is there, and is the reason for my sobriety, and that is all I have to understand about him/her/it. This God is the reason I am sober, period. And somehow, when I pray for guidance, it comes, and I need not ever be able to describe the source.
It is what faith is, Justin, and I believe you already have a HP. If you have ever prayed, then you have done an act on faith, and you have found a HP. If you have ever recognized a small miracle in your life, then you have recognized the evidence of a HP. It is that simplistic, in my opinion.
MY opinion, my 2 cents, not shared to convince anyone of my own personal ideas.
Thanks for the topic, Justin.
-- Edited by jonijoni1 on Wednesday 6th of January 2010 11:31:10 PM
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
It did not occur to me until recently that for my whole life I had been trying to rationally explain and intellectually define God. Only now do I see that there can be no rational or intellectual explanation for something spiritual and that is why they call it faith.
Also, like others told me...the first year is just about living without alcohol...I know I did more footwork in the program than that, but...that was really my biggest accomplishment in a year. The longer I am in AA, the more I realize how sick I was when I came in and how slow my recovery is. I am grateful there is much more to learn and now the journey is starting to become more about being a healthy person rather than just not drinking. It took a while though...similar to Justin...I think God was with me the whole time in different ways. I can't believe sometimes I am still sober and I really really thank God.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
(just like that)