The following article was published in this month's Share magazine & I loved it so much I thought I'd post it for y'all to perhaps enjoy too. Ps. For our newcomers.. It is recomended that we work each step in succession & with a sponsor before running around making amends before we're spiritually ready! My living amend is that I have actually changed & continue to do so by staying sober & working this program on a daily basis. It means little if I'm to profess apologies & go back out there repeating the madness. I love that I continue to be ready to make amends & that every now & then another opportunity arises for me to carry this message further into my life as more is revealed. Thank you all for being here in your willingness to stay sober & help one another in recovery. Love, Danielle x


When I completed my Ninth Step - and had made amends to every person I was conscious of having harmed that I could find - a curious thing happened.

I was fifteen years sober and had 'worked the Steps' before (so I thought), but I had never made every effort possible to make amends for every possible harm I had done. The word I had missed in Step Eight was 'all'. There were a couple of minor thefts from when I was a child, one of them for the equivalent of two pounds, some items I had borrowed but never returned despite being implored to do so, and there were ex-partners who well-meaning sponsors had advised me I did not need to make amends to, because these individuals had harmed me more than I had harmed them.

But the universe does not care whether the people I harmed first harmed me, whether such people are good or bad. All the universe knows is that I have harmed a living thing; the judgement as to whether I am treading on a flower or a weed is no more than a judgement. Harm is harm. What I learned from making the final amends is that everything is connected, there is no such thing as a small or insignificant amend, and changes in one part of my life can have a profound effect in another part of my life.

Back to the 'curious thing'. The curious thing was a feeling of complete freedom. I had experienced much freedom from the many amends I had made, but, however happy or contented I was on the surface, there was always an underlying disquiet and anxiety, like a distant rumble. Only once the disquiet and anxiety were lifted did I become aware that the fabric of my existence had been shot through with them. There was an extraordinary exhilaration too; the world seemed entirely new, vibrant and almost quivering with aliveness.

This changed consciousness was not limited, however, to pleasant insights and sensations. Immediately, some destructive behaviour patterns I despaired of ever solving myself were lifted out of me. Immediately, worry and concern about money and success at work were lifted out of me. Immediately, people started coming into my life who did not want my help but who wanted me to point them towards that which had helped me.

To paraphrase page 45 of the Big Book, a Power greater than myself had solved my problem. Problem, singular; my problem is selfishness and the resultant spiritual disconnection, disconnection from myself, from others and from God, and once my actions in Step Nine removed the block between me and others, the block between me and God was also removed, and I felt on truly solid ground.

Now, this was only the start. The first Nine Steps light a fire that starts to destroy my ego. Steps Ten, Eleven and Twelve fan that flame until it consumes everything my ego has created, all of the false images of myself, all of the attachments to everything around me that I falsely believe define me ('pride', 'self-esteem') and from which I falsely believe I can wrest satisfaction and happiness ('security', 'pocketbooks') if I only manage well (see page 61 of the Big Book), all of the opinions, all of the judgements, all of the demands I make of myself ('ambition') and others ('personal relations', 'sex relations'). These three Steps are continuous because the ego is constantly growing back.

And the spiritual awakening in Step Twelve which results from this ongoing process has to be experienced to be believed and is almost beyond description. So, an example:

I was at a meeting this week and shared about the life-changing experience I had had through applying the Steps as set out in the Big Book. Another member then shared and fulminated against the Steps, against the Big Book, and against the presentation of a solution to the spiritual malady. She was extremely upset. My alcoholic ego immediately responded, saw her as a threat - to me, to newcomers, and the group - and stared filling my mind with argument, retaliation, self-justification and other self-righteous thunder.

As she shared, I examined what was going on inside my mind, prayed, and at once started to see the truth; if I define myself by the program, by the Big Book, even by the gift of recovery I have been given, when these are under attack, I will also feel under attack. If I am detached from these things, nothing can hurt me. And, as I turned back to what this member was saying, I simply saw another human being in pain for reasons I cannot know and saw a mirror image of myself. The sense of threat and disconnection was gone.

If I could sum the spiritual awakening, it is the burning away of all ego-driven illusion and delusion until I can see the truth; I am a spiritual being (as are we all) trapped in a 'ten dollar bag of chemicals' (to quote a talk of Bill W). My only true asset is my experience - everything else being a temporary gift - and my only mission is to become what God would have me be and to act in the fulfillment of that.


I want what she has.. What inspiration! Keep on doing as I am doing & I know I'm in with a chance. I have recently taken up with a sponsor to help me work my Coda recovery & I believe this will help me reach the depths of surrender I am willing to go in order for my spirit to continue to awaken :) I love recovery. It makes everything in my life possible. Thanks to you all for being here too. God's Love, Danielle x